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THE TRUE BROTHER
by
Abigail Crabtree
Part Three
As Starsky pulled away, Jake sat in his car, watching him. He had begun to worry that maybe Starsky wouldn't leave his precious partner. But finally, he was going to get his chance to finish what he'd started. And finally, he would get Nick Starsky off his back. He wondered sometimes how he had ever become involved with Nick. They had such different ideas. He couldn't help but grin thinking about just how different. He wants the blond cop dead; me…I just want the blond cop. He was getting excited just thinking about it. It wouldn't be long now.
Within a few seconds, Jake had managed to pick the lock and silently enter Hutch's apartment. Closing the door behind him, he moved silently through the room. Knowing Hutch had to be in pretty bad shape, Jake knew he most likely would be in bed. Just where I want him, Jake thought as he made his way to the bedroom. A quick glance assured him that this was the case. Hutchinson appeared to be sleeping. Not knowing where Starsky had gone or for how long, he knew he had no time to waste. He just hoped he would have time to thoroughly enjoy himself before he had to kill Hutchinson.
Quietly entering the bedroom, he moved to the night table. Not taking any chances, he yanked the phone cord out of the wall. Now anxious to get on with it, he sat down on the edge of the bed. Looking the blond cop over, he thought, He really is a looker. Blonds had always been his favorites. He reached up and moved the covers down a few inches, taking in the hard muscled chest and arms. He moved his hands down Hutch's chest. It felt so good to touch him. Hutch stirred, but did not awaken. Jake then moved the covers down further. He laid his hand on the waistband of the white briefs that was Hutch's only piece of clothing. Suddenly, Hutch's eyes flew open. Jake quickly put a hand over Hutch's mouth. Hutch stared in horror. Jake laughed, seeing the panic in his eyes. Leaving his left hand firmly on Hutch's mouth, he moved his right hand further down the white briefs. Hutch struggled, causing Jake to laugh even more. When Jake's hand arrived at Hutch's groin, the blond swung his good arm, hitting Jake in the face. No longer laughing, Jake threw a punch of his own that connected squarely on Hutch's face. Instantly, blood was running down Hutch's face.
This can't be happening, Hutch thought as he desperately tried to think of a way to overpower the huge man who was still holding him down. Just stay calm and think...there has to be a way out of this situation. But what that might be, Hutch hadn't a clue. With only one good arm, he was at a severe disadvantage.
Jake brought his face closer to Hutch's. "You know you can't win this one cop. But that's okay, I like it rough, so you just go ahead and struggle. That really makes me hot!" And he moved his hand once again down to Hutch's briefs, this time sliding his hand inside.
Hutch made a strangled moan, "Please...why do you have to do this...? Please don't." Jake laughed as he eased his hand back to the waistband of the briefs and slowly pulled them down. Hutch began kicking. He might have had only one good arm, but he did have two good legs. He thrashed around, trying to escape the hand that was tugging his briefs down.
"That's good, cop, keep fighting me like that. Like I said, it makes me hot." Grabbing hold of Hutch's good hand, he placed it on his own bulging erection. "See, I told you, you're making me want it really bad." He moved Hutch's hand in a caressing motion across his own erection. "That's good...so good." Hutch's stomach churned. He tried to jerk his hand away, but Jake was too fast for him. "I told you that feels good!" Jake removed his hand from Hutch's mouth and leaned closer to him. "You should want this to last, you know, because when it's over, you're dead."
Hutch looked into the eyes of his tormentor and knew he was serious. For the first time in his life, death sounded like the better choice. But to die like this.... Hutch struggled some more. If he could just break free for even a second, maybe he had a chance of getting out of there.
Jake allowed him to struggle for a while and then, wanting to remind him who was in charge, he slammed the heel of his hand into Hutch's bandaged shoulder wound. Hutch screamed as the pain consumed him. Laughing, Jake pressed harder. Hutch could feel the wound tearing open. He felt the bandage becoming soaked with his blood.
Hutch's eyes filled with tears, as he struggled to restore his breathing.
"You can fight me all you want, but you best remember who is in control here." Raising his hand, Jake struck Hutch full in the face. Hutch felt himself beginning to lose consciousness. Jake, not wanting Hutch to miss any of the fun, slapped him again. "Stay with me here, the fun hasn't even started yet." Hutch kept his eyes closed, willing his mind to blank out what was happening. He knew he didn't have much fight left in him and what was the point anyhow? He was a dead man. Starsky was going to come home and find him dead.
Oh God, Starsk...I'm sorry. I really wish you didn't have find me this way.
Hutch, with his eyes clenched tightly shut, could feel Jake moving around on the bed. Not wanting any more surprises, Hutch opened his eyes to find Jake straddling him. Jake moved up so that he was on his knees and reached for the zipper on his faded jeans. Deep down, a part of Hutch wanted to beg...wanted to beg this scum to please not do this, but he wouldn't give Jake the satisfaction. He could hear the sound the zipper made, as it was being pulled down. Once again he found himself squeezing his eyes shut, while his hands clutched tightly to the bedding. Hutch couldn't remember a time he had ever felt so much fear and helplessness.
Hutch could tell Jake had slid his jeans down, then he felt the man's naked body as he lay on top of him. Disgust filled Hutch. "Open your eyes, Blondie, I want you to watch." Hutch could hear his own ragged breathing, his heart was pounding like it might leap out of his chest. He didn't want to watch, he just wanted it to be over. He kept his eyes tightly closed, the weight of the larger man on top of him was crushing his broken ribs. Jake repeated, "Open your eyes!"
Hutch shook his head, "Just...get it over...with."
"What kind of guy do you think I am, huh? I'm not going to rush into this. I am going to savor every second. We're going to enjoy lots of foreplay here, friend."
Hutch felt his pounding heart sink. The scum wasn't going to just do it and get it over with. Jake's hand slid down between Hutch's thighs, he found what he was looking for and began stroking Hutch's unwilling penis. Hutch felt sick to his stomach. Then Jake grasped hold of his own hard penis and held them together, stroking them slowly.
"Come on, you can do better than this," Jake snarled as Hutch failed to respond. "You know you like it. Guess I'll have to work harder to get you in the mood."
Oh, God, no... Hutch tried to move out from under the sweating body that was on top of him. Pain shot through him as his shoulder was suddenly slammed back onto the bed. Rage took hold of Hutch and he thrashed and heaved his body around, trying to dislodge the heavy body on top of him.
"Remember, I told you I like it rough." Jake started slapping Hutch's face over and over, while at the same time, he kept rubbing his erection against Hutch's limp organ. Jake was breathing faster now, he continued to hold Hutch down, while his other hand found his own penis and was furiously stroking himself. Hutch could hear Jake moaning. For a brief second, Hutch thought he might get lucky and Jake would bring himself to orgasm. But then Jake slowed his stroking, and with the hand he was holding Hutch down with, he began exploring Hutch's chest. Moving up a little, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Hutch's. Once again, Hutch struggled and his stomach churned with loathing and disgust. Jake continued his battering of Hutch's already broken body. By now, the blows really didn't matter to Hutch, he continued to struggle. He couldn't just let this happen to him. Despite Hutch's continued resistance, Jake continued his assault on Hutch's body. His hand slid beneath Hutch and started massaging his buttocks. Then he slid his hand between them, and his finger traced the opening there.
Hutch started to scream, totally out of control now. "No...no." Jake then slid his penis between Hutch's legs and began thrusting, while at the same time, he shoved his finger into Hutch's tight opening. Hutch screamed even louder this time. But the screaming just seemed to excite Jake further. His mouth started roaming over Hutch's chest, licking and sucking. Finding Hutch's nipples, at first he sucked, then sank his teeth into one and then the other. Feeling Hutch thrashing underneath him, Jake once again bit Hutch's nipples. This time even harder. Hutch's body went limp, he couldn't continue this any longer... Let him do what he wants...when he's done he'll kill me and it'll all be over. Hutch found himself actually beginning to look forward to dying. No more pain, no more humiliation, no more being degraded by this perverted punk. Just peace...
"Have you had enough foreplay, cop?" Jake grabbed hold of Hutch and rolled him onto his stomach. Hutch knew what was next. Don't think about it, block it out. It's almost over. Soon there will be no more pain. Don't think about it... Hutch tried to make his mind cooperate. He wanted so much to distance himself from what was about to happen. He felt Jake get to his knees. Then Jake slid his hand under Hutch and lifted. Having no fight left in him and just wanting it over, Hutch did as Jake directed. This was total humiliation. Once Jake had Hutch on his knees and had positioned himself behind him, Hutch realized he had reached total and complete degradation. Hutch had never felt more like crying in his life. He held his breath as he felt Jake part the cheeks of his buttocks and run his finger along the opening. Then he heard the sounds of Jake stroking himself again.
Hutch, finally unable to help it, began to sob. Tears streamed down his face, as he felt Jake ram his finger once again into the opening. Pain...and then he felt hard, blunt thickness push into him. He screamed in agony. He was surely going to be ripped apart. As tears continued to stream down, and amidst Hutch's anguished screams, Jake began his final assault on Hutch. Don't think...block it out... Hutch just kept repeating these words to himself. Panting heavily now, Jake reached under and grabbed Hutch's penis. Angry at Hutch not responding to him, he tighten his hold and jerked and squeezed until Hutch thought he would die from the pain and save Jake the trouble of killing him. Then he felt Jake tense and he knew the man was finally going to reach orgasm. He pulled out and came all over Hutch's buttocks. Then he went limp and fell over Hutch's body, forcing Hutch back down onto his stomach. Within seconds, Jake recovered and rolled off the bed. Hutch curled himself into a ball and just lay there waiting for the end of his life. He welcomed it. His only regret was in the realization that Starsky would be the one to find his body. None of this is your fault, Starsk. Don't blame yourself...please don't blame yourself.
~~~
Starsky parked the car in front of his apartment. He was anxious to check on Hutch. His trip to the station had not been very successful. No one had had any luck tracking down the suspects. Starsky had mentioned to Dobey about Jake's threat to come after Hutch. He had left out the reason Jake wanted to come back, to spare his partner any embarrassment. Dobey had offered to send an officer to guard Hutch. Starsky chuckled at the stricken look on Dobey's face when he had flatly turned down his offer, explaining that the last guard assigned to Hutch "had not been worth shit."
Starsky put the key in the lock and quietly entered the apartment. He didn't want to wake Hutch if he had been lucky enough to fall asleep. As he moved silently toward the bedroom, he froze. He could hear someone talking. He flattened himself against the wall and peered into the room. His stomach lurched. Standing next to the bed was one very big man, and he was...oh, God, he was pulling up the zipper on his pants. Starsky's eyes went to the bed, almost afraid to look. Hutch was curled up on his side. Starsky thought he could hear Hutch crying. The guy leaned over the bed and Starsky heard him say, "maybe I should wait around and give your partner the same as I gave you."
He heard Hutch whimper, then shout, "Get the hell out of here!"
Starsky quickly became filled with an uncontrollable rage. Without even thinking, he stormed into the room, yelling, "I'm here right now, you BASTARD! If you think you're tough enough to stick your filthy dick in a man that can fight back, I'm ready. Come on...I'm ready for you." Starsky was now totally out of control.
Jake looked up, a stunned look on his face. He reached behind him for the gun he had placed there earlier, but he wasn't fast enough. Starsky hurled the larger man to the floor. Driven by anger, he slammed his fist into Jake's face again and again. Jake fought back furiously, finally managing to get Starsky off him. He attempted to get to his feet, but once again Starsky had him on the floor. Rage was driving Starsky and it gave him the advantage. He was relentless in his punishment of Jake. "I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! I'll kill you!" At that moment Starsky, for the first time in his life, actually wanted to take a life and knew if he tried hard enough, he'd even be able to justify it to himself.
Hutch, trying to clear the pain-filled fog he seemed to be trapped in, thought he had heard Starsky's voice. "Starsk?" It came out as a faint whisper, but it was enough that Starsky heard it, and it gave Jake an opportunity to take the upper hand, as Starsky turned toward the sound of Hutch's voice. Jake struck Starsky a powerful blow to the head, stunning him briefly. Starsky tried desperately to clear his head. His vision blurred. He was afraid he might lose consciousness. He couldn't leave Hutch alone with this animal.
Watching the struggle through a fog, a dazed Hutch made it to his feet, "Starsk..." Hearing Hutch behind him, Jake whirled around. Jake panicked as he saw Hutch coming toward him, and angrily shoved the already unsteady Hutch back against the night table. As Hutch hit the table and slid to the floor, the gun Jake had left there landed on the floor by Hutch's feet. Jake, not realizing the gun was in Hutch's reach, headed back toward Starsky. In Jake's mind, Hutch was no real threat. He needed to take care of Starsky, and then he could deal with killing the blond cop.
Starsky was getting to his feet, trying to reach his friend, when Jake hurled himself at the still dazed, dark-haired cop. Starsky went down. Jake slammed his right fist into Starsky's face as his left hand reached for the cop's gun. As Starsky and Jake struggled, Hutch reached for the gun lying on the floor. Holding the cold metal in his hands, he managed to get himself to his knees. He sat there on his knees, his mind racing, images flickering in and out. In his mind, he could see Jake's naked body...could feel Jake's body as it took possession of his own...he felt humiliated and degraded. Hutch blinked his eyes trying to focus on what was going on around him. Starsky needed him. He couldn't let Jake hurt Starsky. I can't let him hurt Starsky the way he hurt me. Hutch's hand trembled as he brought the gun up and took aim.
The sound of two shots echoed loudly through the room. Starsky, who had just managed to get control of his gun, watched in horror as Jake's body fell forward toward him. For a second, he sat there in stunned silence. Then he was jolted back to reality by the sound of Hutch's ragged sobbing. Starsky quickly felt Jake's neck for a pulse. Finding none, he shook his head slowly, finding it hard to feel any sorrow over the man's death. How could he feel anything about the death of this man who had caused so much hurt to Hutch? Hutch! Starsky moved toward his partner, who remained on his knees, still holding the gun.
"Hutch." Starsky reached out and slowly eased the gun out of his friend's hand. Hutch didn't move. Laying the gun back on the night table, he turned his attention to his partner. Hutch was huddled over, his head down as if somehow trying to avoid facing Starsky.
"Hutch. Look at me, Hutch." Hutch still remained with his head down. Receiving no reply, Starsky reached out and slowly lifted Hutch's chin until they were face-to-face. It nearly broke Starsky's heart to see how battered and bruised his partner's face was…but it was the look in his eyes. Almost like that of a trapped animal, with no way out.
"Hutch, talk to me." But Hutch remained silent. Starsky knew he had to call the shooting in, and once he did, questions would have to be answered. He didn't feel like dealing with questions right now. He needed to take care of his friend. Starsky was worried about the Hutch's mental state, that and the shoulder wound that had been reopened. Taking a good look at his partner, he shuddered, thinking of what Hutch must have gone through. Starsky took a deep breath. First things first. He needed to get Hutch cleaned up some, get him dressed and settled down. Then he would call Dobey; maybe this whole situation could be handled in a quick and easy manner. But there would still be questions. Questions he wasn't sure how to answer. He didn't think Hutch would want anyone knowing what had happened here. He knew he should get him to the hospital, too, but he also knew what Hutch would have to say about that.
Starsky left Hutch briefly to get some warm water and first aid supplies. He returned to find Hutch sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at Jake's body. He looked up as he heard Starsky enter the room, "I'm...sorry...I don't understand..." Hutch's bruised and swollen face was now filled with a look of total confusion. Once again, Starsky found himself wondering about the mental condition of his best friend. But he was relieved that Hutch had finally broken his silence.
"It's okay, Hutch. I'll take care of everything. Come on now, and lie down here so I can clean you up. I need to get you taken care of so I can call Dobey." Hutch quietly did as he was told.
"You know, Hutch, we should get you to the hospital." Starsky said softly as he wiped the blood from Hutch's face. I think I can take care of your shoulder okay, but you know he might have hurt you... I'm not a doctor, there is only so much I can do for you."
"NO! I won't go! Please, Starsk. I don't care if I'm hurt. Damn it, I wanted him to kill me! He was supposed to kill me! This was all supposed to be over now. Don't you understand? I wanted him to kill me when it was all over, that's all I thought about while he was..." Hutch was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Please calm down, Hutch. I'll take care of you. I won't take you to the hospital. I promise, buddy, just please calm down." Starsky caressed the bruised face gently as tears continued to fall. Hutch wanted to die. Does he still want to die? Oh, God...Hutch, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you.
Hutch's sobs finally slowed and his breathing started to even out. Starsky pulled himself together as best he could and continued wiping Hutch's bruised body. He had a lot to do, he couldn't fall apart now. He cringed when he noticed the bite marks around Hutch's nipples. With shaking hands, he reached for some bandages. Pressing them against Hutch's shoulder, he reached for the tape. Hutch didn't react to any of it. He just lay still while Starsky tended to him. "Okay, that's it for now, buddy. We'll do a better job later. Let's get you into some clothes now."
After much effort, and some pain on Hutch's part, Starsky finally had Hutch in some sweat pants. Not liking the thought of Hutch spending any more time on the soiled sheets, he led Hutch to the couch while he stripped the bed and replaced the sheets. He made sure to put the dirty sheets in the hamper. Once he had accomplished all of that, he moved a quiet Hutch back into the bedroom and settled him in the bed. Not wanting Hutch to have to deal with any questions just yet, he made the decision to give Hutch something to help him sleep. He knew that may not be the right thing to do, but it was the best thing for Hutch right now. He knew Hutch was in no condition to deal with any questions. Once Hutch had swallowed the pills, Starsky sat beside him, waiting for them to take effect. Hutch didn't say anything, but kept his eyes fixed on Starsky. Starsky, in a soft voice, kept repeating over and over, "Everything is going to be okay." After a while, he wasn't sure if it was Hutch or himself he was trying to convince. Once Hutch had drifted to sleep, Starsky got up and went to the living room to make his long overdue call to Captain Dobey.
Hearing Dobey's gruff voice, Starsky took a deep breath. "Cap'n, it's Starsky. I have a touchy situation here. I could use your help."
"What kind of situation, Starsky?"
"Well, I have a dead body in my bedroom."
"You what? What's going on, Starsky?" Dobey's voice rose in volume.
"Cap'n, that scum, Jake, came back for Hutch."
What happened, Starsky?"
"Could you just get over here Cap'n? And can we wait to call the coroner until you get here and hear what happened. Captain, Hutch is in pretty bad shape here. I'm really worried about him. Please just get over here."
"Okay, Starsky, I'm on my way." The line went dead.
Starsky sat on the bed beside his sleeping friend. He hoped that Hutch wouldn't be too upset with him, but he was going to tell Dobey everything that had happened. I don't know any other way, Hutch. I need some help. You know we've always been able to count on the captain. I promise you, buddy, I 'm gonna take good care of you. We'll get through this somehow. I'm sorry, Hutch. I'm really, really sorry that I left you today. It will never happen again
Hearing Dobey knocking on the door and calling his name, Starsky pulled the blanket around Hutch more securely. "It's almost over, buddy."
Dobey strode into the room as Starsky opened the door. "What the hell is going on?"
Starsky led the way into the bedroom. "Cap'n, I want you to meet Jake Tyler." Starsky pointed to the body on the floor.
"What happened?" Dobey asked.
Starsky glanced over at the bed where Hutch lay sleeping. "There's something I need to tell you. And I need this to just be between the two of us. I know Hutch wouldn't want anyone else to find out about what happened here today."
"Starsky you know I'll do what I can." Dobey's eyes went to the bed. "Is he okay?"
Starsky's voice trembled as he replied, "I'm not sure he'll ever be okay, Cap'n. Oh, God, it's all my fault. I knew what Jake wanted. I never should have left him alone."
"Starsky!" Dobey 's tone got firm. "What happened?"
Starsky sank down onto the bed. "That animal there on the floor...he..." Starsky could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. "He raped him...Cap'n…he raped Hutch. He beat him and he raped him! I'm afraid of what this...has done to Hutch. I'm scared, Cap'n…I'm scared that Hutch won't be able to handle this. What am I going to do?"
Dobey looked as if he had been struck. "Oh, my God." Dobey moved closer to the bed and looked down at the bruised face. "Starsky, I'll do whatever I can. You know I will. And as far as what you're going to do...you'll do what you always do. Just be there for each other."
After Starsky had filled Dobey in on what had happened after he had arrived home, Dobey had called the coroner. Dobey had assured Starsky that it sounded like Hutch had fired the gun in defense of his partner, and he felt Internal Affairs would agree with that. He told Starsky he would explain that Hutch would be unavailable for questioning for a few days due to the beating he had received.
Feeling somewhat better now, Starsky walked Dobey to the door. Dobey turned toward Starsky, "You and Hutch can both consider yourselves on an indefinite leave of absence. Take care of him, Starsky. Maybe you should get him to a hospital."
"Captain, Hutch hasn't said much since any of this happened, but he did make himself pretty clear when I mentioned taking him to the hospital. Don't worry, if it looks like he needs a doctor, I'll see that he gets one."
Dobey patted Starsky's shoulder, as he walked through the door. "I know you'll do what's best for him. Keep me posted, huh?"
As the door closed behind Dobey, Starsky sank down onto the couch. Part of him felt an immense sense of relief that he had gotten through everything with the coroner and Dobey, but he knew the hardest part still was ahead of him. Sighing, he got up and went into the bedroom to check on Hutch. He wished he knew what to do for his friend. He'd feel better if he could have a doctor examine him. He eased himself down on the bed next to Hutch. He hoped that he would be able to help him, but he hadn't a clue how he could do that. He didn't want to say or do the wrong thing. He knew Hutch was in a real fragile condition right now. He sat there for a long time, deep in thought, struggling with all his feelings of rage. Rage toward Nick and Jake. Nick...when I get my hands on you...God help you! Rage at himself that he had left Hutch alone. Rage at the whole unfair situation. Hutch didn't deserve this.
Starsky reached out and took Hutch's hand in his. The feeling that he needed to touch his partner had suddenly become so overwhelming. Hutch's hand felt warm in his, reassuring him that his partner was alive. Hutch is alive, that's what's important. Tears came to Starsky's eyes, when he felt Hutch's hand tighten on his. He looked up to see Hutch silently watching him and a single tear ran down his face. Starsky tightened his hold on Hutch's hand and leaned closer, "I'm here for you, Hutch. I won't leave you again.
Hutch nodded weakly. "I'm sorry, Starsk...so sorry."
Starsky shook his head, "You've got nothin' to be sorry about. Don't you ever forget that. None of this is your fault." Hutch stared into Starsky's eyes, wanting to believe what he was hearing. He nodded again and his eyes slowly closed. Starsky reached over and gently wiped the single tear from Hutch's face. As he did so, he realized that Hutch seemed awfully warm to him, and his face seemed flushed. Panic began to set in. Hutch is running a fever, he needs medical attention.
Starsky pulled the covers down and slowly started to remove the bandage from Hutch's shoulder. Looking at the wound, Starsky realized he didn't have to be a doctor to know it didn't look good. Hutch let out a soft strangled moan, a tortured look on his face. "Sorry, buddy, I didn't mean to hurt you. Oh, Hutch, I don't know if you can hear me, but you need help." Starsky gently replaced the bandage on Hutch's shoulder. Reaching for the bedside phone that still lay on the floor, he whispered, "forgive me, Hutch." Starsky slid down to the floor and plugged the phone back into the wall. Glancing quickly at Hutch, he picked up the receiver and began dialing. After several rings, the phone was answered. Hearing Huggy on the other end, Starsky took a deep breath. "Huggy, I need some help."
"All you have to do is ask my friend," Huggy replied.
"I need a doctor, Hug. I need a doctor who won't ask any questions and who won't report anything."
"What's wrong, Starsky?"
"It's Hutch, he's running a fever and his shoulder is infected."
Huggy was puzzled now. "Starsky, I know I may not be the smartest person around, but why don't you just call Hutch's doctor?" Huggy heard only silence at the other end of the line for what seemed like forever. Then he heard what sounded like crying. "Starsky what's wrong?"
"Huggy...something bad has happened to Hutch. Really bad, Hug." Hearing the anguish in Starsky's voice brought back memories of another bad thing that had happened to Hutch. Huggy knew neither he nor Starsky would ever forget the horror of watching Hutch as he went through the agony of withdrawal from heroin. Huggy braced himself. He knew if Starsky sounded this bad, Hutch must be in real trouble.
"Talk to me, Starsky. You know I'll do anything I can to help Hutch."
"Huggy...he's been beaten and raped. Can you find a doctor? Please, Huggy, help us."
Huggy sank onto a nearby barstool. He felt sick to his stomach. "Starsky, I'll make a few calls and get right back to you." The phone went dead before Starsky had a chance to say thanks.
Starsky pulled himself to his feet, set the phone back on the night table, and staggered to the bathroom. His whole body ached from the fight with Jake. He splashed cold water on his bruised face, then wet a towel, and staggered back out to Hutch. He wiped Hutch's face, wondering if he should look for a thermometer to take Hutch's temperature. He seemed to be even warmer than before. Hutch lay quietly as Starsky wiped his face and neck with the cool towel. But that changed when Starsky moved to his wounded shoulder. Even though he tried to be as gentle as possible, Hutch still moaned in pain as Starsky removed the bandage. "Easy, Hutch. I know it hurts, but it needs to be cleaned. It looks like it's gotten infected."
"Starsk...I don't feel so good." Hutch's bleary eyes opened, watching Starsky as he cleaned the wound.
"I know, Hutch. I promise you'll be feeling better real soon. Just rest."
Hutch's weary eyes closed briefly and then suddenly opened. "Starsky...I'm going to be sick. Oh, God...I feel sick. Help...me up." With Starsky's help, Hutch just made it to the bathroom. Hutch immediately bolted toward the toilet, warm fluid gushing from his mouth.
Starsky managed to keep one hand on Hutch's chest, and one hand rested gently on the warm forehead, holding it steady. "Easy, Hutch." Starsky felt his own stomach lurch as the remaining contents of Hutch's stomach came spilling out. Hutch sputtered and gagged, the acid taste burning his throat.
Hutch moaned softly and fell back against Starsky. Starsky pulled him close, being careful not to squeeze him too tight, but it felt so good to have this contact with him. He hoped the close contact felt good to Hutch, too. The ringing of the phone shattered the peaceful moment. Starsky hoped it was Huggy with some good news about the doctor. Starsky maneuvered Hutch so he was leaning against the wall. "I'll be right back. Just sit quiet."
Starsky breathed a sigh of relief when he heard Huggy's voice on the other end of the line. "Starsky, the doctor should be there in about an hour. His name is Dr. Logan. He's good, and he won't say a thing to anybody."
"Huggy, I owe you one."
"Yeah, well, right now you just worry about taking care of Hutch."
"Thanks, Huggy."
"Starsky, if you need anything else, just give me a ring. I'll try and stop by later after I close up."
"Thanks again, Huggy." Starsky hung up the phone. Now the hard part--breaking the news to Hutch that a doctor would soon be here to check him out. Even though he knew he had no choice, he hated to go against Hutch's wishes.
Starsky found Hutch standing rather unsteadily at the bathroom sink. "Hey, I thought I told you to sit quiet."
"Starsk." Hutch turned toward Starsky. "I need to clean myself up. I feel..."
Starsky moved toward his partner. "How about I give you a hand?" Hutch shook his head as Starsky picked up a washcloth and a bar of soap.
"No, I need a shower, Starsky. I need to scrub myself...I need to get rid of the feel of Jake." Hutch's face took on that same look it had had just after he had shot Jake. That trapped look.
"Okay, buddy, but I don't think a shower is such a good idea. Even if you didn't have a cast on your arm that shouldn't get wet, you're not too steady on your feet. How about I put some water in the tub and you soak for a while. I can put something on the cast so it doesn't get wet."
Hutch nodded his head in agreement, his eyes meeting Starsky's. Starsky hated that trapped look that seemed to stay with Hutch. But after what Hutch had been through, what else could be expected? Starsky busied himself gathering towels and running the bath water. Hutch had turned back to the sink and was making a clumsy attempt at brushing his teeth.
Starsky was still trying to get up the nerve to tell Hutch that a doctor would be arriving shortly, as he helped his friend ease into the tub of warm water. "Feel good?" Hutch nodded, but grimaced as he sat down. Starsky cringed inside when he realized what had most likely been the reason for Hutch's pain. Starsky had been trying hard to avoid giving much thought to what Jake had actually done to Hutch. "Need some help getting washed?" Starsky asked, as he wrapped a towel around Hutch's cast. He had situated Hutch so his broken arm could rest on the edge of the tub.
"No, I can manage," Hutch replied, as he struggled with the soap and washcloth with one hand.
"Are you sure?"
"No, I guess I do need help. Pretty pathetic, huh? Can't protect myself and now I can't even wash myself." The defeat in Hutch's voice was more than Starsky could bear.
"That's what I'm here for, partner." Starsky reached out and took the washcloth from Hutch. "We'll have you nice and clean in no time." Hutch leaned back and enjoyed the feeling of being taken care of, although he hated the thought of having to have Starsky wash him. He wasn't sure he wanted someone's hands on him right now, but he had to admit it did feel good to let Starsky take over. Hutch closed his eyes, as Starsky continued his gentle washing.
"Hey, you're not gonna fall asleep on me, are you?"
Hutch opened his eyes.
"Hutch, there's something I gotta tell you. I know you're not gonna like it, but I thought it was the best thing to do."
"I don't like the sound of this, but let's hear it." Hutch watched Starsky's face, trying to decide how bad this was going to be.
"Well, uh...I called, and…well."
"Well, what, Starsky?"
"Okay, okay...I called a doctor for you," Starsky blurted out.
Hutch stared in shock at his best friend. "Why? Why, Starsky? You knew I didn't want a doctor...I don't want someone poking around where they don't belong. I don't want any of this to get out. Damn it, why?"
Starsky took a deep breath. "Hutch, I know you didn't want a doctor, and if I thought I had a choice I wouldn't have called one. Hutch, your shoulder is infected and you're running a fever. I couldn't just sit here and let you get worse. I know you don't want anyone poking around at you, but you might be hurt. When Jake...well...you might be hurt."
Hutch, trying very hard to stay in control, replied in a bitter tone, "Go ahead and say it...you can say it, Starsk. Jake raped me."
"Okay," Starsky replied in an equally controlled tone. "Jake might have seriously hurt you when he raped you. I think it's just a lot smarter to be safe than sorry." Starsky grabbed a towel from the rack. "Come on, let's get you out of the water before you turn into a prune."
Hutch silently stood, swaying slightly, but Starsky reached out and steadied him. Once out of the tub, Hutch was wrapped in a large towel and Starsky helped dry him off. Hutch remained silent, as Starsky helped him step into a clean pair of sweat pants.
Still feeling betrayed by his partner, Hutch made his way back to the bedroom on his own. Starsky watched him leave, feeling like he had just lost his best friend. Starsky cleaned up the bathroom, trying to avoid facing Hutch again for as long as he could.
Not able to put it off any longer, Starsky went to check on Hutch. He found the blond standing in the middle of the room. He looked exhausted. Being up and around appeared to have taken a lot out of him. His face was flushed. Starsky walked over and led an unresisting Hutch to the bed, easing him down. "You need some rest, partner. And I better get this shoulder bandaged up." Starsky ran his hand lightly across Hutch's face. "You're still running a fever."
Hutch caught Starsky's hand. "I'm sorry, I know you were just doing what you thought best." Hutch tried to give Starsky a smile. He knew that his attempt had been feeble, but it did seem to make Starsky feel better.
Starsky returned the smile. "Thanks."
Just then, there was a knock on the door. Hutch groaned and rolled his eyes. "Starsky, I don't want this. You're going to pay for this."
Starsky headed toward the door, "I'm sure I will." Letting the doctor in, Starsky shook his hand and briefly explained the situation. Dr. Logan assured Starsky that Huggy had given him the details and had stressed the need for everything to be kept in complete confidence. "We really appreciate this. Oh, and I should probably warn you, the patient is not too happy about you being here," Starsky said as he led the way into the bedroom.
After introductions had been made, Starsky started for the door, only to be halted by Hutch demanding, "Where do you think you're going?"
"Well, I thought you might be more comfortable if I left the room."
Hutch shook his head weakly. "Not on your life, partner. It's 'me and thee' time." Hutch patted the side of the bed, "Have a seat, Starsk."
The doctor finished taking Hutch's pulse and moved on to take his blood pressure. Seeming to be fairly satisfied with what he found, he then began removing the bandage Starsky had just finished placing on the shoulder. Starsky reached for Hutch's hand as the pain in Hutch's shoulder flared. Hutch gasped as the doctor poked and prodded the wound. Dr. Logan glanced up at Starsky.
"you were right, the wound is infected. Good thing you had sense enough to call someone before it got any worse." Starsky was tempted to flash a triumphant look in the direction of his friend, but thought better of it as Hutch moaned when the doctor applied ointment to the wound. Once the wound was bandaged, Hutch's temperature was taken. "Just a bit on the high side, nothing to worry about at this point. We'll get him started on some antibiotics." The doctor worked quickly, running his hands along Hutch's ribs, taking in the bite marks on his chest, then up to Hutch's battered face. Noticing the arm in the cast, he inquired, "The arm doing okay?"
Hutch nodded, "Yeah, it seems okay."
Starsky felt Hutch tense up, as the doctor pulled the blanket down and slid down the sweat pants. "Okay, detective we need to get you on your side." With Starsky's help, Hutch was soon settled on his side, hands clenched tightly to the sheet. Starsky was beginning to feel very uncomfortable and wished desperately he could think of something to make this easier for Hutch. At the same time, Hutch wondered why he had insisted Starsky stay. He knew this had to be making Starsky uneasy. What was the point in both of them being uncomfortable?
"Starsk…you don't have to stay."
Starsky laid his hand on Hutch's shoulder and squeezed lightly. "I'm staying right here, buddy. We'll get through this together. Hey, it will be over before you know it."
"Okay, detective, I'll make this as easy as I can. But I have to warn you, there will be some discomfort." Dr. Logan pulled on some latex gloves and parted the pale buttocks. Hutch swallowed hard, his whole body tensing.
"Easy, Hutch." Starsky rubbed Hutch's back slowly, hoping to get him to relax. Starsky studied the doctor's face, hoping to get a clue as to how bad it might be. A frown crossed the Dr. Logan's face briefly, as he continued his exam.
"This is going to get uncomfortable now, try to relax." As those words were uttered by the doctor, he slid his finger into the swollen opening.
Hutch gasped and struggled against the intruding finger. Starsky held on tightly to his friend. Sweat ran down Hutch's face, hands gripping the sheets.
"Starsk...please." The words were uttered in a low moan. Starsky felt his throat tightening up and suddenly felt the urge to cry. Starsky watched as the doctor reached for a tube of cream, wanting to tell him to hurry and get this over with. The finger was withdrawn briefly, but a gasp from Hutch indicated that it had been inserted again.
"This ointment should make it feel better," the doctor said as he worked his finger, spreading the ointment around the inner walls. The finger withdrew and began spreading some of the soothing cream around the bruised opening. "That should do it for now." The doctor peeled off the latex gloves. "I am going to give you a couple of shots, though. One for infection and one just to make you feel better."
Starsky pushed the damp hair from Hutch's forehead. "Almost done, buddy." Hutch clenched his teeth, but made no sound as the needle hit its target. When the second needle was withdrawn, Hutch gave a little sigh of relief and closed his eyes. As the doctor had promised, the one shot was making him feel much better. He felt his whole body begin to relax. Starsky patted his arm and got up to walk the Dr. Logan to the door.
Once outside the bedroom, Starsky asked, "How is he?"
The doctor took a deep breath. "He'll be fine in time. Keep him in bed and quiet for a few days. Give that shoulder time to start healing."
Starsky looked questioningly at the doctor, "What about...?
Dr. Logan, knowing what Starsky couldn't bring himself to ask, made it easy for him. "He's been torn up some, he's going to be sore for a few days, but he'll be okay."
Starsky found he had been holding his breath. "Thank God. What can I do for him?"
Dr. Logan paused, "probably the most important thing is to just be there for him. He's been through a lot, and he is probably going to have a lot going on emotionally. Just be patient with him. As far as the physical, call me if he should take a turn for the worse, but I think that's unlikely. I'll call a couple of prescriptions in for him. Something for pain and something to help him sleep. And I left the ointment on the table in there, that should ease the pain and swelling." The doctor headed out the door, then paused and turned back to Starsky. "When he's feeling better, counseling might be a good idea."
Starsky nodded, but the thought that Hutch, of all people, might need counseling was a bit overwhelming. "Thanks for everything. Be sure to send me a bill." Starsky closed the door slowly. He hadn't given much thought to what Hutch might still have to deal with after the physical injuries had healed.
Starsky stood for a moment, feeling very exhausted. A quick check on Hutch, and then time for a shower and something to eat and, if at all possible, a few hours of sleep.
Starsky stood in the doorway of his bedroom, watching Hutch sleep. The pain medication had done its job. Even in sleep, Hutch appeared somewhat lost and frightened. Starsky had a sudden urge to wake Hutch--he needed to let Hutch know that he was not alone and never would be. But common sense prevailed. Hutch needed his rest. There would be time when Hutch was feeling more rested to let him know how much he cared for him.
Realizing the smart thing to do while Hutch was sleeping would be to take care of his own needs, Starsky headed for the shower. The hot water flowing onto to his aching and exhausted body felt wonderful. He let his mind block out all the bad things that had happened in the last two days. He concentrated only on how good the shower felt. But soon another need took over--his stomach demanded to be fed. After quickly drying off and pulling on a pair of jeans, Starsky headed toward the kitchen. Not having the energy to fix anything that required much effort, he made a sandwich and grabbed a can of soda. Once settled on the couch, the sandwich and soda were soon consumed. His brother not having been completely out of his thoughts for some time now, Starsky reached for the phone. He figured he'd try his mother one more time. Maybe Nick had gone back home, assuming that Jake would have completed the job by now. Starsky let the phone ring a dozen or so times. No one seemed to be home. He glanced at his watch, hard to believe that it was only a little after eight. Starsky gave up and hung up the phone. Knowing his mother, Starsky figured she was either at a neighbor's or visiting one of his many relatives. He thought about calling Dobey, but decided not to bother him. He was sure Dobey would have notified him if there were any word on Nick.
After checking on Hutch one more time and finding him still asleep, Starsky grabbed a blanket and pillow and headed back out to the couch. With a little luck, he would be able to get a couple of hours' sleep before Hutch woke up.
~~~
Hutch opened his eyes. Shadows moved around the dark room, the only light coming from the streetlight outside the window. He looked around, feeling confused. For a brief second, he wondered where he was. Then reality came swiftly crashing in on him. As the horrifying events of the previous day passed through his mind, he moaned softly in anguish. Fear washed over him, his body trembled, and he fought the urge to scream. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, hoping to block it all out. But even with his eyes closed, Jake's face loomed over him. Jake's hands roamed over his body. Hutch's stomach churned, he felt nauseous. The images rushing through his mind seemed so real. It was as if it were all happening again.
"Starsky! Please help me, Starsky!" Hutch twisted and turned on the bed, as if to get away from the cruel hands of Jake. "Starsky...Starsky...where are you?" Hutch began screaming, panic setting in. Had Starsky left him alone? Had something happened to Starsky?
Suddenly Starsky was there, pulling Hutch close. "I'm here...I'm right here, Hutch." Holding his partner tightly, Starsky could feel Hutch's perspiration drenched body tremble. Starsky ran his hands soothingly up and down the blond's arms. "Easy, Hutch. It's okay now, I'm here." Nothing seemed to help his tormented partner. Agonized sobs wracked Hutch's body now, as the dark-haired cop tried to pull his friend closer to him.
After what seemed like an eternity, the sobbing began to ease up. Hutch turned his head so he could see Starsky's face. "I was so scared. I'm...still scared...and then I didn't know...where you were. I'm afraid he'll be back..."
"Hutch, Jake is dead." Starsky held Hutch's chin and tilted his face upward. "He's dead. It's over Hutch."
"NO! It's not over, I still see him, I still feel him." Hutch tried to move out of Starsky's arms, then suddenly stilled his movements. "Starsk?" Hutch swallowed hard. "Starsk...I killed him. I killed Jake. Oh, God..."
"Hutch, please calm down. It's okay." Starsky hated to see Hutch getting himself all worked up again. "It's all being taken care of, Hutch. You just need to get yourself some rest and heal that shoulder. I promise you that everything is going to work out okay."
Starsky continuously stroked Hutch's good arm, trying to ease his partner's fears. Thinking back to his conversation with Dobey, he realized how true the words he had said might be. Hutch might very well be destroyed. Hutch had always been one of the strongest people he knew. He had never known Hutch to be afraid of anything before. Nick, what have you done?
Hutch calmed down, but lay with eyes wide open just staring. Starsky's hand slid to Hutch's face and gently pushed the sweat-dampened hair back from his forehead. Hutch sighed, it felt good to have Starsky close. But, as much as he hated to leave the safety and comfort of Starsky's arms, a trip to the bathroom was much needed. "Starsky, I need to get up." Hutch struggled to sit up, wincing slightly as the movement reminded him of his injuries.
"The doctor said you should stay in bed," Starsky said, as he tried unsuccessfully to ease his partner back down.
"I don't care what the doctor said, "I need to use the bathroom, and I intend to do just that."
"I don't suppose you would consider an alternate plan, would you?" Starsky asked hopefully, as he reached to turn on the lamp.
Hutch glared at him, "Not on your life, buddy. I am perfectly capable of going to the bathroom under my own power." Finally on his feet, Hutch headed to the bathroom, Starsky not far behind. Reaching the bathroom door, Hutch turned, "I've been humiliated enough for one day, Starsky...I can do this alone." Starsky stood in silence as his partner slammed the bathroom door behind him. Taking a deep breath, Starsky shook his head wearily. He had a feeling things were going to get a lot worse before they got better.
Once his task was accomplished, Hutch took a good look at himself in the mirror. He looked like hell. He knew in time, the bruising and cuts would heal and his outside appearance would pretty much return to normal. It was inside that concerned him. Inside he felt even worse than the outside looked. So much had changed in such a short time. His life would never be the same. He had so many emotions charging through him. Fear, shame, anger, rage, guilt... How could he possibly continue to be a cop? He couldn't even take care of himself. The thought had crossed his mind several times in the last few hours that he actually felt cheated...cheated out of his own death. Death, the end of his pain. In the back of his mind, he knew that his death would have only been the beginning of Starsky's pain. But it didn't matter. Right now, he just wanted to end his own pain. Hutch's good hand tightly gripped the edge of the sink. Looking into the mirror, he hated the pathetic creature looking back at him.
"Hutch...Hutch are you okay?" Not immediately getting an answer, Starsky pounded on the door. Panic filled Hutch. He stared at the door, trembling as he watched the doorknob slowly turn. Not taking his eyes off the now slowly opening door, Hutch began slowly backing up. Having retreated as far as he could go, Hutch felt trapped. The door swung completely open. "Hutch?" Starsky stared at the sight of his terrified friend. "Hutch...it's me." Keeping his tone soft, he moved toward his partner. "I'm sorry if I scared you." Hutch felt his knees give way, as relief now replaced the panic he had been feeling. Starsky grabbed hold of his partner and slowly eased him down to the floor. "You okay?" Starsky asked, his voice filled with concern.
Head down, Hutch mumbled, "Sorry. Guess I'm kind of a mess in more ways than one, huh?"
Starsky slid down and sat next to his partner and, putting his arm around Hutch's shoulder, he pulled Hutch close. "Hey, I promise you everything will be okay. You believe that don't you?"
Hutch looked into Starsky's eyes. He knew Starsky believed what he was saying, or at least wanted to believe it. "No, everything is not going to be okay. Everything has changed and it can never be the way it used to be." Hutch's voice trembled. "So please quit trying to make me feel better. There's nothing you can do." Starsky sat quietly, at a loss for words. Somehow he would make things all right. That much he knew for sure. He would not sit by and let Hutch give up.
They sat on the bathroom floor, Starsky with his arm still tightly around Hutch, saying nothing. Finally, Starsky moved to get to his feet, " I don't know about you, but I think we'd be more comfortable if we moved out of the bathroom." He reached down and gently pulled Hutch to his feet. "Hutch, you feel like eating something?"
"No. What time is it anyway?"
Starsky glanced at his watch. "it's a little past midnight. You really need to eat something, Hutch, you haven't had anything since lunch."
"I'm not hungry, Starsky." Hutch moved past Starsky and wandered slowly back into the bedroom. Starsky went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and made his way back to the bedroom.
"Time for you take your pills," Starsky said as he entered the bedroom. Hutch, who was sitting on the side of the bed, took the glass of water and swallowed the pills Starsky held out to him.
"I'll be out on the couch if you need anything. Just yell," Starsky said as he took the empty glass from Hutch and started to leave.
"Starsk, would you mind sleeping in here?"
"Sure, partner, guess we would probably both sleep better. I'll just go get my pillow."
Starsky grabbed his pillow and blanket from the couch and turned off the lights. Standing in the doorway, watching Hutch as he struggled to get comfortable, he wished there was something he could do to help. He hated this feeling of helplessness. "Hey, buddy, you sure I won't disturb you?" Starsky stood next to the bed looking down at Hutch. The look in the blue eyes that stared back at him gave him his answer.
Hutch pulled the blankets back. "I don't want to be alone. You won't disturb me. I'll sleep better knowing you're here with me."
"Good, I didn't wanna sleep on the couch anyway." Starsky slid under the covers and reached up and turned off the light. "You let me know if you need anything, and no getting up in the dark and stumbling around. You hear me?"
"I hear ya. Now shut up and go to sleep. You don't look real good yourself, you know." Hutch reached out and patted Starsky's stomach.
Starsky, in turn, placed his hand on top of Hutch's. "Yeah, but you still look worse than I do. Go to sleep."
Starsky lay awake long after the pills had taken effect on Hutch. His mind was a jumble of thoughts. Why had this happened? How could his brother have been involved in something like this? Where was Nicky? But one thought kept coming back again and again... How do I help Hutch? Starsky knew no matter how bad he imagined it to have been for Hutch, it would never come close to the reality. Starsky's stomach twisted into painful knots, just picturing what Jake had done to his partner. He couldn't think of a thing he could say to Hutch that would make it better. There were just no words. All I can do is be here for him.
Hutch stirred restlessly in his sleep, mumbling something Starsky couldn't decipher. Starsky, reacting to his need to take care of Hutch and wanting Hutch to know he was safe, laid his arm across Hutch's chest and carefully pulled him tightly to him. Hutch snuggled into Starsky's side, and settled back in a restful sleep. Starsky, too, was soon fast asleep.
~~~
Starsky stared sadly into a cup of coffee. He had been sitting at the kitchen table for almost an hour now. His thoughts centered on his partner. It had been three weeks since the assaults on Hutch had taken place. Physically Hutch was just about healed. His cast would be coming off in a few more weeks. The shoulder had healed with no complications. Even though the physical pain was pretty much gone, Hutch was far from well. The last three weeks had been like riding on a roller coaster. Most of the time Hutch stayed quiet and withdrawn, speaking only when spoken to. But the times Starsky had tried to get Hutch to talk about his feelings, Hutch had flown into a rage. His anger getting so out of control that it had taken Starsky quite a while to get Hutch calmed down. And when it was all over, Starsky had still not succeeded in getting Hutch to talk, and he went back to being withdrawn. It seemed that all Starsky could do now was try and take care of Hutch's basic needs, making sure that he at least attempted to eat and sleep. Starsky knew for a fact that Hutch didn't sleep much. And getting him to eat was not always an easy task. Starsky also knew that Hutch was not able to keep much of what he ate down. He was at a dead end here. He had no idea how to help someone who wouldn't even make an attempt to help himself.
Just as Starsky got up to pour himself another cup of coffee, Hutch silently entered the room. "Good morning," Starsky said as he poured a cup of coffee for Hutch.
Hutch took the cup offered to him. "Morning."
It was obvious that Hutch had not slept very well. He looked awful. It hurt to see Hutch like this. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Fine."
"Yeah, right. I know better than that Hutch. Don't lie to me." Starsky could see Hutch tense as if ready to do battle.
"What makes you think I'm lying?"
Starsky knew he should be careful here, but he was so sick of what had been going on. Maybe it was time to take a stricter approach with Hutch. "Just looking at you, hell, a blind man could probably tell that you're not sleeping. You look like hell!"
Hutch's eyes met Starsky's. Starsky could tell Hutch was about to explode into one of his rages. Maybe the best thing would be to keep pushing him. Maybe if pushed hard enough, he would get some of his anger out.
"I can tell you all about your sleep habits." Starsky moved closer to Hutch, who, at the same time, attempted to back away.
"Sure, you sleep for about all of two, maybe even two and half, hours. Then around one o'clock in the morning, you start tossing and turning...I'm guessing nightmares." Starsky paused briefly, then continued. "Then after tossing and turning for a couple hours, your body drenched in sweat, you crawl quietly out of bed; you pace around a while, and then you sit there in the dark. How am I doing so far?" Hutch glared at Starsky, not saying a word. "And then about six o'clock you crawl back into bed and pretend that you've spent a peaceful night."
"Back off, Starsky! Leave me alone." Hutch's tone was filled with cold anger. Starsky reached his hand toward Hutch, but Hutch wanted only to get away from Starsky. "Please, Starsk...just leave me alone."
"Can't do that, buddy. You need help. Why are you always pulling away from me? Are you blaming me? I know I should never have left you alone that day. Believe me...I blame myself enough for that." Starsky wanted so much to reach out to Hutch, to pull him close, but just looking at Hutch he knew the gesture would not be welcomed.
"I'm sorry, Hutch, I never should have left you alone that day. Forgive me. Just let me help you." Starsky paused briefly, hoping to hear some sort of reply from Hutch. "Hutch, do you blame me because Nicky was involved? I promise, even though he's my brother, I'll make sure he pays for what he did to you."
Hutch turned imploring eyes back toward Starsky. "Don't be stupid, Starsk. I don't blame you for any of this. Just drop the whole thing, would you please? None of this would even matter now if..." Hutch turned his back and walked out of the room.
"If what?" Starsky followed Hutch determined not to let this drop without finding out what Hutch was talking about. "Hutch, if what?" Hutch had slumped down on the couch, his head in his hands. Starsky knelt in front of Hutch, "please tell me."
"You won't like it," was the soft reply.
"It doesn't matter, just please, tell me," Starsky implored the blond. "Talk to me."
With his head still in his hands and his voice so low Starsky could barely hear him, Hutch replied, "If only you hadn't come home when you did."
"I don't understand," a puzzled Starsky shook his head. "What do you mean?"
Hutch lifted his head, staring at Starsky with tormented eyes. "Starsk, I had reached a point...I mean I was just waiting for...him to kill me. It would have all been over. Why did...you have to come home then?"
The stammered words of his friend stunned Starsky. He sat frozen, trying not to believe what he was hearing. "You wanted to die? Hutch?" Starsky knew his voice was trembling. He just wasn't sure if it was from anger or fear. Fear that Hutch still might want to die. He moved up and sat next to his friend. Putting his arm around Hutch, he pulled him close. "Please tell me you don't feel like that anymore."
Hutch was now quietly sobbing, his breathing ragged, "I don't know...I don't know, Starsky." The sobbing intensified, as Hutch brought up his good arm and held tightly to his best friend. Starsky soothingly ran his hand down Hutch's back repeatedly, attempting to calm his friend. After several minutes of soft reassuring words and close physical contact, Hutch's sobs eased.
"Starsk...I'm so scared. I can't get Jake and what he did to me out of my mind. Every time I close my eyes, it's happening all over again." The anguish in the soft voice caused tears to form in Starsky's eyes. He had never been able to handle seeing Hutch in pain. But this was even worse. Worse, because he couldn't just hand Hutch a pill that would take away this kind of pain. There was no great medical cure for this kind of suffering. He struggled to find some words of comfort, but the words eluded him. All he could do was pull Hutch tighter in his arms and do his best to make him feel safe. They sat with arms wrapped around each other, Hutch's ragged breathing gradually evening out. Starsky, realizing that Hutch had fallen into a somewhat peaceful sleep, eased his partner down onto the couch and, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch, carefully covered his sleeping partner.
Settling into a chair next to the couch, Starsky studied the sleeping form. He wondered if he would've been looking forward to death if he'd been in Hutch's place. No matter how hard he tried to put himself in Hutch's place, no matter how hard he tried to imagine what it must have been like, he knew the horror of it all was worse than he could ever imagine. And maybe, just maybe, he would be feeling the way Hutch was feeling. Hell, no maybe about it. Starsky knew he wouldn't be handling this any better than Hutch. Somehow Hutch would know what to do for me. Why don't I know what to do for him?
Leaving Hutch on the couch getting some much needed sleep, Starsky returned to the kitchen. Clearing away the few breakfast dishes took only a few minutes, then Starsky began making a shopping list. Huggy would be calling soon. Huggy had been doing their shopping and running any errands that needed to be done. Starsky had only left Hutch once since the attack, then leaving him in Edith Dobey's care. Hutch had slept the whole time Starsky had been gone, and wouldn't even have known Starsky had left if Starsky hadn't told him later. Hutch didn't feel comfortable around the Dobeys or Huggy, and Starsky felt badly about that. He realized Hutch felt uncomfortable because he knew they knew what had happened to him. But Starsky at the time had had no choice but to tell them.
It was time to try and get things back on track. How could Hutch get back to normal if they didn't start living normally? Staying in all the time and having someone run their errands for them was not normal. Starting now, they were going to change all that. Picking up the phone, Starsky made a quick call to Huggy and explained that they would be doing their own shopping from now on.
"Starsk...I'm sorry."
Starsky turned around to find Hutch standing forlornly in the doorway. "Sorry for what?" Starsky asked.
"How about for being a pain in the ass? I know I haven't been the easiest person to get alone with lately. I don't mean to be so difficult."
Starsky could see the pain in the blue eyes and hear it in the wavering voice. "I know that Hutch. Things will get better." Starsky squeezed Hutch's shoulder, trying to reassure him.
Hutch reached up and squeezed Starsky's hand in return. "I promise I'll try harder. Don't give up on me yet." His eyes were pleading.
"You know I'd never give up on you." Starsky smiled and received a strained smile from Hutch in return. "Hey, buddy, if you really meant what you said about trying harder, what do you say we get out of here for a while? We could use a few groceries, maybe stop somewhere for lunch."
Starsky could see the uncertainty in Hutch's eyes, but Hutch put on a brave front, "Sure, why not?"
~~~