Comments on this story can be sent to: t6166@aol.com
THE TRUE BROTHER
by
Abigail Crabtree
Part Four
Forty-five minutes later, they were on their way out the door. They had decided they would do the grocery shopping first, bring the groceries home, and then go back out and have lunch. Starsky thought Hutch actually seemed to enjoy the shopping trip--even placing a few things in the shopping cart himself. Starsky hoped that was a sign that maybe he might start eating more. Upon arriving home, Starsky put the groceries away, while Hutch rested on the couch. Starsky could see that the trip had been tiring for Hutch. Starsky had even suggested that maybe Hutch would rather forget about having lunch out today and rest, but Hutch had given him an emphatic "No!"
A few minutes later they were back in the Torino, the sun streaming through the windshield, heading for one of Hutch's favorite restaurants. Glancing over at Hutch, Starsky thought he looked more relaxed and seemed to be enjoying himself. "Pretty good idea I had, huh?"
Hutch turned and smiled, "Yeah, I have to admit that this is one of your better ideas. Feels good to be out again."
Hutch noticed a park up ahead on their left. Motioning toward it, he asked, "Mind stopping for a few minutes?"
Starsky grinned, "I don't think you're quite up to jogging yet."
"No, but a short walk sure sounds good," Hutch replied. "The sun feels really nice."
Starsky parked the car, "A walk it is then, partner." They walked in silence for a few minutes.
Finally, Hutch spoke. "This is nice. I'm glad we came out today. And I think once this cast is off, I'm gonna get back into my morning run." Starsky suddenly felt that maybe everything was going to be okay. This sounded a lot more like his Hutch.
"Sounds good, but I think we should get going to lunch. You don't need to overdo it and I'm starving!"
Hutch laughed. "Okay, let's get going. I sure wouldn't want to be the cause of you dying of starvation." As they headed back to the car, Starsky couldn't get it out of his mind how good it had sounded to hear Hutch laugh.
The good food was enjoyed by both of them. During lunch, the conversation had been light but lively. Nothing too serious was discussed, but at one point Hutch did inquire about some of the cases they had been working on before the attack. All their cases had now been turned over to other detectives.
After the waitress brought their bill, Hutch excused himself to use the restroom before they left for home. Starsky watched as Hutch walked off toward the back of the room. It had been a good afternoon. Things were looking up, that was for sure. Starsky sat and watched the comings and goings of the other restaurant patrons.
As Hutch stood at the sink washing his hands, he heard someone enter the restroom. Glancing in the mirror, his stomach lurched. Behind him stood a large man...a large man that looked like Jake. It couldn't be. No, Jake was dead. Hutch could feel himself breaking out in a cold sweat. The man who looked like Jake stood for a second longer adjusting his tie, then moved closer for a look in the mirror. As the man got closer, Hutch could feel the panic setting in. Then the man turned and went out the door. Hutch stood frozen, struggling to catch his breath. His hands grabbed the sink, holding on tightly, afraid that his knees would give out on him.
~~~
What was taking Hutch so long? He glanced at his watch. Hutch must have been gone for at least fifteen minutes. Starting to get just a bit nervous, Starsky anxiously watched the back of the room, but no sign of Hutch. Not being able to stand it any longer, Starsky headed toward the restrooms. Maybe Hutch was sick or something. Starsky knew he was being silly, but he just had to make sure Hutch was okay.
Starsky, seeing Hutch at the sink, felt an immense sense of relief. But the feeling was short-lived when he looked into the mirror. The sight of Hutch's panic-stricken face told him that something was very wrong.
"Hutch, are you okay?" Starsky reached out and touched the sweat-dampened face. "You feeling okay? You don't look so good." Starsky took in the sight of the hands tightly clenched onto the sink.
Hutch turned to face Starsky, "I'll be okay. Just give me a minute." Hutch's voice was shaky, but Starsky could tell that Hutch was trying to pull himself together. Hutch splashed some cold water on his face and then turned to Starsky, "just get me out of here." Starsky nodded and, with his hand lightly supporting Hutch, they left the men's room.
Several minutes later, Hutch was settled in the Torino and they were headed home. "You sure you're okay, Hutch?" Hutch still appeared to be quite shaken.
Hutch took a deep breath, "Yeah, really, Starsky, I'm okay. I just got a little scared back there."
"Scared? What happened?"
Hutch gave a soft laugh, "Nothing happened, absolutely nothing. It was stupid. A guy was in there...he looked like Jake...well, at least to me he looked like Jake. Stupid, huh? Scared the hell out of me, though."
"Not at all stupid, Hutch, not after what you've been through." Starsky leaned over and patted Hutch's leg. "It'll just take time. It was still a good day, don't you think?"
Hutch smiled, "Yeah, it was a good day, thanks." Hutch leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes.
"Wore you out, huh?" Starsky asked. He smiled as he realized Hutch had already fallen asleep. No matter what, it had been a good day.
As exhausted as Hutch was from the day's activities, sleep was something that still eluded him most of the night. After tossing and turning for several hours, Hutch got out of bed and wandered out to sit alone in the dark living room. Several minutes later, Starsky silently walked through to the kitchen, returning to sit next to Hutch. In his hand was a glass of water and several pills. He held them out to Hutch.
"Here, take these." Hutch opened his mouth to protest, but Starsky wasn't about to listen to any excuses. "Take them. You need the sleep. I know you don't like taking them, but do it anyway." Hutch took the pills Starsky held in his outstretched hand, and swallowed them. Starsky took the glass back to the kitchen and when he returned to the living room, he reached down and pulled Hutch to his feet. Without saying a word, he led Hutch back to the bedroom.
Once they were both settled in the bed, Starsky pulled Hutch tight against him. "Now, just relax and let yourself go to sleep. I'm right here and nothing is going to happen to you. I promise." Hutch snuggled even closer, and soon Starsky could tell by the soft, even breathing that he was sound asleep. Only then did Starsky drop off to sleep, his arm draped across Hutch, holding him close.
~~~
Starsky paced around the hospital waiting room. The time had finally arrived for Hutch to get his cast off. A celebration would be in order. During the last few weeks, Hutch had shown quite an improvement. They had been going out more, although Hutch still didn't feel much like socializing with others yet. They had taken in a few movies and spent time just walking in the park. There were nights that Hutch still had problems sleeping. On those nights, Starsky would make his trip out to the kitchen for water and the sleeping pills. Then once settled back in bed, he would pull Hutch tightly to him and assure him that he was safe.
There had been no word about Nick. His mother had had a phone call from him, but he had given no indication where he was. He had just wanted to assure her that he was fine. Starsky still had not gotten up the courage to tell his mom about the trouble Nick was in or what he had done to Hutch. There would be time for that later, when Nick was found. Starsky knew that as long as Nick was on the loose, he didn't want Hutch out of his sight for any length of time. It had taken a long while for Starsky to finally accept the fact that there was something terribly wrong with his brother. He knew Hutch would never lie about something like this. Now all he could hope was that maybe it wouldn't be too late for Nick to get some help.
"Hey, you ready?" Starsky looked up to see Hutch standing there grinning at him. Starsky grinned back.
"Ready when you are. How's the arm feel?"
Hutch slowly flexed his arm, "A little stiff, but good. Can't wait to stand under the shower without having to worry about the cast getting wet."
"Well, what we are waiting for then? Let's go." Starsky was on his feet and heading for exit door.
While Hutch took that much-anticipated shower, Starsky fixed lunch for them. Starsky had just finished preparing lunch when Hutch entered the kitchen. "Hey, just in time. Hope you're hungry," Starsky said. Hutch slid into a chair, as Starsky put a plate in front of him.
"Looks good, actually looks edible."
"You're real funny, Hutch" Starsky grumbled. Once they settled down to eat, Hutch listened in amazement to the incessant chatter that Starsky kept up all through lunch. With a childlike grin on his face, Starsky prattled on about all the things they were going to do now that Hutch had gotten his cast off. Hutch gave an occasional nod, but otherwise remained silent. Starsky didn't seem bothered at all that the conversation was pretty one-sided. Hutch, picking up his dirty dishes, got up to take them to the sink. "…and we're going to start tonight, Hutch."
"Start what, Starsk?"
Starsky's grin got even wider, "Getting our social life back on track, that's what."
Hutch turned to look at Starsky with a look of disbelief on his face. "Starsky...just because I got the cast off my arm doesn't mean I'm ready to jump back into a social life. I'm not ready yet, I need more time."
Now it was Starsky's turn to stare in disbelief. "Hutch, I just mean it's time to get back to dating, having some fun. Nothing serious."
Hutch shook his head, "I don't believe this. You can't seriously think that I'm ready for even that yet. Look, Starsk...I agree you should get your social life back on track. But, buddy, I'm not ready yet."
Starsky wasn't ready to give up, "Hutch, all I want is for us to go to some club and have a couple of drinks. Is that so bad?"
Hutch had heard all he wanted to hear about his social life. "Just drop it, Starsk. I said I'm not interested!" Hutch headed toward the living room.
Starsky followed quickly behind him. "Hutch, can't we talk about this?" Now Hutch was heading in the direction of the bedroom. "Hutch, would you stand still and talk?" Starsky, still following behind Hutch, now found his partner tossing his clothes into a suitcase. "Hutch...what are you doing? Hutch, you can't leave." Starsky was really getting worried. Hutch couldn't leave like this, especially with Nick still out there somewhere. But Hutch wouldn't listen, and continued to pack his stuff. He had collected his things from the bathroom and was now slamming the suitcase shut.
Hutch picked up the suitcase and left the bedroom. Setting the suitcase by the door, he walked over to the phone.
"Hutch, what are you doing?"
"I'm calling a cab; it's time for me to go home."
Starsky reached toward his friend, "No, Hutch, not yet, and not like this."
Hutch looked up and into the pain-filled eyes of his best friend. "Please, Starsk, just let me go. I need to be alone for a while. I have a lot to work out, and you need to get back to your life. I'm sure Dobey's starting to have fits because you're not back to work yet." Hutch was pacing now. He didn't want to hurt his best friend, but he had to try and work some of this out on his own. Turning back to face Starsky again, he said, "Your social life could use some improvement, too. I mean...I'm sure you would rather be cuddling up to a nice soft female body at night instead of your partner."
Starsky stared at Hutch in disbelief, "Is that what this is all about? You think I want you out of here...so that I can...? I can't believe this. Hutch, I don't want you to leave!" Starsky reached out and took hold of Hutch's arm and led him over to the couch. "Sit down." Hutch sat down but kept his head down, not wanting to look into his partner's eyes. Starsky kneeling, in front of his friend, took hold of Hutch's hands, "Hey, look at me. Did I ever say that I wanted you to leave?"
Hutch ran his fingers through his longer than usual hair and sighed deeply. "No. I just got to thinking about how much you must miss going out, that's all. You seemed real anxious for us to...."
Starsky quickly interrupted Hutch, "Hey, I was wrong to rush you into going out."
Hutch's eyes met Starsky's. "No, I overreacted. I guess I panicked a little at the thought of a social life again. It scares the hell out me, actually. I feel like everyone I run into knows...knows what happened to me."
Starsky squeezed Hutch's hands, "Nobody can tell by looking at you, Hutch. And anyway, it's not like anyone would think differently about you because of it."
Hutch's troubled eyes stared intently into the concerned eyes of his friend. "Starsk...you know yourself how some people look at female rape victims. They blame them, they think they were asking for it. People are gonna look at me and wonder why I wasn't able to prevent this from happening to me. I'm a cop, Starsky...I should have been able to stop this from happening."
"Hutch," Starsky's voice was soft. "There was nothing you could do. Remember the condition you were in? You had a broken arm, a bullet wound in your shoulder, not to mention the broken ribs and the drugs in your system. And from the looks of you afterwards, buddy, you did try to stop Jake."
"But I gave up, I just quit fighting and let him do it," Hutch said, his face showing all the mixed emotions and feelings that were running through him. "I quit!"
"Hutch, don't talk like that." Starsky rose to his feet, took a few steps, and then turned back to face his partner. "Don't do this to yourself, Hutch. I'm thankful that you did quit fighting. If you hadn't, I might not still have my partner and best friend. You're alive and that's all that matters. We've gotten through a lot of rough situations, and we will get through this one, too. Together!"
Hutch leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. "I hope so, Starsky. I don't know how much longer I can take feeling this way." Starsky sat down next to Hutch on the couch.
"Hey, I'm not sure now is such a good time for you to be going back to your place. Are you really sure you're ready to do this?"
Hutch gave a halfhearted chuckle. "No, Starsky, I'm not sure this is a good time. I'm not sure there ever will be a good time, but I can't hide here forever. It would be too easy for me to stay here and let you take care of me, but that wouldn't be much of a life for either of us, would it?"
Starsky, his face etched with concern, shook his head as he answered his friend. "Hutch, I've got to tell you that I'm against you leaving now, but if that's what you think you have to do, I'm behind you on this. But please don't try to do this on your own. I'm here for you, make sure you don't back away from me. Let me help you."
Hutch patted Starsky's leg and said, "I'm counting on you to make sure I don't back away from you. I do need you."
"Well, I guess it's settled then, but no cab. "I'll deliver you right to your door myself." Starsky tried hard to put a smile on his face, but he had so many doubts about Hutch leaving that it wasn't easy. But for Hutch's sake, he would go along with it.
~~~
"Well, here you are, partner, home sweet home." Starsky smiled in Hutch's direction.
Hutch stood and looked around him. "The place looks great."
"Yeah, the captain and Edith came in after you were attacked and cleaned up the mess. And Edith has been coming by to dust and water your plants on a regular basis."
"That's really nice of her, I'll have to call and thank her." Hutch moved slowly around his apartment. It felt strange to be back home after being away for almost two months. Looking at the couch, he couldn't help but remember being awakened by Nick and Jake. The thought sent a shiver through him.
Starsky immediately picked up on it. "You okay?"
"Yeah, sure. It's just a little strange to be here, I guess." Hutch walked toward the bedroom, still carrying the suitcase.
"How about I go and see if that heap you call a car will still start after sitting for so long?" Starsky asked.
"Probably a good idea, thanks, Starsk. Keys should be on the table." Hutch heard the door close and knew that Starsky had gone to start his car. He set the suitcase down and sat slowly on the bed. Here or at Starsky's, it didn't matter, there would always be memories of Jake and Nick. After sitting for a few minutes, he got up and unpacked his suitcase.
Just as Hutch was finishing unpacking, Starsky came into the room laughing, "I am amazed that piece of...well, it actually started right up."
Hutch turned and, with a grin on his face, replied, "I never doubted that it would start."
"You about unpacked?" Starsky asked as Hutch shut the dresser drawer.
"All done." Hutch started toward the door. "How about a beer? That's probably all I have to offer you. Guess the first thing I'll have to do is get the kitchen stocked up."
Starsky nodded in agreement. "Yeah, make sure that you do. And make sure you eat, too."
"Yes, Mother," Hutch said, as they both headed toward the kitchen.
They sat quietly drinking their beers, each lost in his own thoughts. Starsky occasionally glanced in Hutch's direction. He was still not comfortable with the idea of leaving Hutch here alone. He knew it had to happen sooner or later, but he wished that he could be sure Hutch was ready for it. He wished even more that he himself were ready for it.
They had been partners and friends long enough that Hutch felt as if he could read Starsky's mind. He knew Starsky was worried about leaving him alone. He wanted to say something to convince Starsky he was going to be all right, but since he wasn't even sure he had convinced himself, he didn't think he could do it.
Once again, Starsky glanced in his friend's direction, only this time he found himself looking directly into Hutch's blue eyes.
Hutch blushed slightly to be caught staring at his partner. "Guess we've gotten a bit quiet, huh?" Hutch asked.
"Yeah, well I guess we both have a lot on our minds," Starsky replied. "Think I'll head over and see Dobey. No reason for me not to get back to work. What do you think?"
Hutch nodded. "Yeah."
Starsky stood. He was still unsure if he was doing the right thing leaving Hutch here alone, but Hutch was a grown man. If this was what Hutch wanted, there really wasn't much Starsky could do about it. "What should I tell Dobey about you coming back to work?"
"Oh, just tell him I'll give him a call in a day or so." Hutch was now on his feet and pacing. Starsky could tell the subject of going back to work was making his friend very nervous.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine, Starsk." Hutch started toward the door. "You go talk to Dobey; really, I'm okay."
Starsky paused as he opened the door. "Okay if I call you later?"
"Could I stop you?"
Starsky laughed. "No. Guess that was sort of a dumb question. Talk to you later then." The door shut quietly, and Hutch was now alone.
~~~
Hours later, after Starsky returned home from his visit with Dobey, he found his apartment way too quiet. He turned the TV on, hoping to drown out some of the intense quiet Hutch seemed to have left behind. Starsky chuckled to himself softly. Heck, it wasn't like Hutch had been the most talkative person to have around. Must have just been the fact that he had been here. And the fact that Starsky had felt very needed. Well, come Monday morning he would be back to work, that should help keep him occupied. He hoped it wouldn't be too much longer before Hutch would feel the need to get back to work also.
~~~
Hutch was surprised to find that his first day back at home had passed rather quickly. He had kept busy the whole day. He now had a fully stocked kitchen, had gone through all his mail, had even called and talked to his parents. They, of course, knew only that he had been injured. Starsky had called and let them know that Hutch was staying with him until he recovered from his injuries. Hutch had spoken to them once during his stay at Starsky's. Thankfully they hadn't pressed for any details. They had been happy to hear from Hutch today and glad to hear he was recovered and back home. All in all, it had been a nice talk with his parents. He had even promised to come home for a visit in the near future.
Hutch sank down onto the couch as he opened a bottle of beer. Leaning back, he took a long swallow of beer. He closed his eyes, trying not to remember the events that had occurred the last time he had been in his apartment on this couch. He shook his head as if to shake loose the memories. He took another deep swallow of beer. Looking around the room, the thought crossed his mind about how good it felt to be back home. Maybe things could go back to the way they used to be, after all. So Starsky's brother held some kind of grudge against him, so Starsky's brother happened to have a perverted friend...who was now dead...and who had...Hutch couldn't even think the word. Dead because I killed him, I shot him. I shot him and I'm not one bit sorry. Should I be? After what he did to me? Hutch set the now empty beer bottle on the table next to the couch. How the hell can things go back to normal after all that has happened. Who am I kidding?
Hutch was now slowly pacing around his living room. He knew deep down inside that he couldn't hide from this, he couldn't give up. If I let this destroy me, Starsky will be destroyed, too. I have to get myself back on track. I have to keep going for Starsky's sake.
Hutch slowed his pacing, and finally eased himself back onto the couch. He needed a plan, something to focus on. First things first. Tomorrow morning he would start running again, he would have to eat more, gain back the weight he had lost in the last several months. Work...that might be a tough one. He took a deep breath. Guess I'll just have to think about getting some kind of help. Monday morning, first thing, I'll look into finding a therapist. As much as he hated the thought of having to sit there and reveal his innermost thoughts and fears to some stranger, he didn't see that he had much choice. Somehow he had to work through all the anger and fear he felt.
~~~
Starsky, not being able to stand the silence in the apartment any longer, headed out to wash his beloved Torino. The Torino had been somewhat neglected, while Hutch had been his first priority. Actually, Hutch was still his first priority, but Hutch had made it clear that he was determined to go it alone now. Starsky knew he couldn't blame Hutch. It had been Starsky's idea in the first place. Of course, Starsky hadn't felt that in order to get things back on track Hutch had to immediately move back home. Starsky knew he should be happy that Hutch was no longer fighting the idea, but he still worried about him being alone. Not that he didn't think Hutch could take care of himself, but what if he had a nightmare? What if he was scared and couldn't sleep? Starsky hated the thought of Hutch being alone and scared.
Once the task of washing the Torino was completed, Starsky decided it needed a good wax job, too. Several hours later, Starsky stood back and admired his hard work. The red Torino was spotless and had a shine that would nearly blind a person. Realizing that all his hard work had given him an appetite, he decided that food was the next order of business.
Sandwich in hand, Starsky sank down on the couch, flipped on the TV, and settled back. Soon he was engrossed in an old movie. Finishing his sandwich, he removed his shoes, made himself comfortable, and settled in to finish watching the movie. A half-hour later, he was jolted by the ringing of the phone. Hutch? He grabbed for the phone.
Starsky realized immediately, that it was not his partner on the phone. Instead, it was the soft voice of a female.
"Hi, Dave. Hope you haven't forgotten me." Recognizing the voice as that of a young woman he had been dating on and off before Hutch had been hurt, Starsky chuckled softly.
"Stacey, sure I remember you. How've you been? It's great hearing from you."
"I'm good, Dave. I was wondering how Ken's doing?
"Well, he was well enough to move back home. It will be a while before he's back at work, but he's coming along. It's been a long time." Starsky felt himself starting to relax. It felt good to be carrying on a conversation with a female.
"Yes, it has been a while. I'm really glad to hear that Hutch is recovering. Any chance you might be free for dinner for tomorrow?"
"Dinner sounds great," Starsky said. Suddenly his spirits had lifted.
"Good, are you up to one of my home-cooked meals?" Stacey asked. I thought maybe just a quiet evening in. Does that sound okay to you?"
"Perfect."
"Seven o'clock?"
"Great!" Starsky said. He was really looking forward to seeing Stacey again.
Starsky realized he probably had the biggest smile plastered on his face when he hung up the phone. But he couldn't help how good he was feeling. He thought about calling Hutch and telling him about his plans, but maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Starsky didn't want Hutch to feel left out, and he certainly didn't want to make him feel pressured to start dating again himself. Maybe he would just wait and tell him about it later.
It felt really strange not to have Hutch here watching TV with him. He wondered what Hutch was doing. God, what if he has nightmares and he's all alone there? Suddenly, Starsky began to have some real doubts about Hutch going home. Not that there had been much he could do about it. Hutch had made up his mind. Reaching for the phone, Starsky dialed Hutch's number. He just needed to hear his voice, so he could be sure he was all right.
~~~
The ringing of the phone startled Hutch, as he sat reading on the couch. Memories of the phone calls he had received before flooded over him. He sat staring at the phone, half afraid to answer it. You're being crazy, he told himself. Nick wouldn't be stupid enough to call here again. Would he?
The phone had now rung four times while he sat there staring at it. Finally, he braced himself and reached for the phone.
"Hello." Hutch knew his voice had a slight quiver in it.
"Hutch? Hutch, you okay?"
"Starsky?"
"Yeah, it's me. Are you okay? You sound like something's wrong. What took you so long to answer the phone?" Starsky couldn't keep the concern out of his voice. "Hutch?"
"I'm all right. Guess the phone just startled me." Hutch found himself struggling to regain some sort of composure. Damn it. I can't believe the phone ringing rattled me like that. Pull yourself together or you'll have Starsky camped out on your couch your first night home.
"Hutch, you want to me to come over?" He couldn't shake the feeling that Hutch wasn't telling him the truth. That maybe something was wrong. But, at the same time, he didn't want to be too pushy. He knew Hutch needed some time alone.
"I'm okay," Hutch said. He felt better now, just hearing Starsky's voice. "It's not necessary that you come over. I'm just going to try and get some sleep.
"That sounds like a good idea. But if you need anything, you call," Starsky replied.
"I will. Good night, Starsk."
"Night."
Hutch slowly hung up the phone. He was almost tempted to leave it off the hook, but he knew if Starsky called and couldn't get hold of him, he would worry. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to get up and get ready for bed. Part of him was almost afraid to go to sleep. Even though he had been sleeping better lately, there were still nights that he was haunted by nightmares. Nights that he lived the whole ugly scene over and over. It always seemed so real, like it was happening all over again. But now he wouldn't have Starsky to help him through it.
Forcing himself, he got to his feet and headed toward the bathroom. Once he was ready for bed, he found himself staring at the bottle of sleeping pills that sat on his nightstand. No, I don't need them. He sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, then stood and pulled back the covers. Just go to bed, Hutchinson. Turning off the light, Hutch slid under the covers. Within seconds, he sat up and turned on the bedside lamp. Great, a grown man who needs to sleep with the light on. Despite his apprehension, it wasn't long before Hutch fell asleep. The day's activities had taken their toll.
~~~
It turned out to be Starsky who had even more trouble sleeping. He tossed and turned, his thoughts focused only on how Hutch might be doing. Hutch is a grown man. He's gonna be okay. Quit your worrying. He didn't sound good on the phone. It was hours later before Starsky managed to fall asleep.
~~~
Hutch was surprised to find that not only had he slept through the entire night, but he had slept through half of the morning as well. He felt well rested for a change. Just as he was getting out of the shower, the ringing of the phone interrupted the quiet of the apartment. A feeling of panic welled up in him. He stood, paralyzed with fear, water dripping from his hair. Taking a deep breath, he grabbed a towel and began drying his hair. By the time the incessant ringing had stopped, he had managed to pull himself together.
Once dressed, he knew he had to call Starsky. It had most likely been his partner who was responsible for the phone ringing. If he didn't call Starsky, it would only be a matter of time before he found Starsky on his doorstep. Starsky picked up the phone on the first ring, as if he had been standing right next to the phone. Hutch couldn't help but grin, realizing that Starsky had most likely been standing there glaring at the phone after his unsuccessful attempt to reach him.
"Morning, Starsk," Hutch greeted his partner cheerfully.
"Hutch...where were you?" Starsky's voice trembled slightly with relief.
"I was just getting out of the shower. Relax, I can take care of myself."
"Sorry, guess it's gonna take me a while to get used to you being back home."
Hutch laughed softly, "That's okay. It's gonna take me a while to get used to it, too...and the phone scaring the hell out of me."
Starsky's voice became soft and gentle, "I thought it might be something like that. Hey, if you don't want to answer the phone, don't. Just call me afterwards to make sure it wasn't me. You know, while you're freaking out over the phone ringing, I'm gonna be on this end freaking because you don't answer."
"Thanks, Starsk." Hutch struggled to swallow the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. Changing the subject, Hutch asked, "So, have you made any plans for your last weekend before you go back to work?"
"I haven't made any plans other than having dinner tonight with Stacey."
Hutch could hear the anticipation and excitement in his partner's voice. "That's great, Starsk."
"What are you going to do this weekend?"
"Not too much. But I thought I might start running again."
"That's great, Hutch. What do you say I check with Stacey and see if she has a friend...."
Hutch cut him off before he could say more. "No, Starsk. Not yet."
"Okay. Sorry, I'm not trying to push you. What about a movie this weekend?"
"Just the two of us?" Hutch asked, making sure Starsky wasn't still thinking of an evening with Stacey and a friend.
"Just the two of us. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Sounds good, Starsk. Say hi to Stacey for me, and you two have a great evening."
Starsky laughed, "I plan on having a great evening." In a more serious tone, he added, "Hutch...if you need anything, you'll call right?" He felt a little guilty thinking about Hutch being all alone while he spent the evening with Stacey.
"Starsk, really I'll be okay. Have fun and please don't even worry about me. I'll see you tomorrow."
"All right, buddy. Talk to you tomorrow." Starsky hung up the phone. Things were definitely looking better. Hutch seemed to be making good progress, and he had dinner with Stacey to look forward to.
The evening with Stacey was even better then he anticipated. Stacey was really good company and the conversation flowed easily. But, as much as he was enjoying Stacey's company, thoughts of Hutch kept intruding. What was Hutch doing? Was he okay?
After dinner, they had settled on the sofa to watch an old Humphrey Bogart movie. As big a Bogart fan as Starsky was, his attention kept wandering away from the movie to the woman who was snuggled against him. Stacey, also unable to keep her mind on the movie, looked up into Starsky's face. The look on her face was one of intense longing. As her eyes met his, Starsky's large hand took her chin and, holding it gently, he leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose. Then he showered her face with soft gentle kisses as he made his way to her waiting mouth.
Her lips felt warm and sweet on his. He moaned deep in his throat as he forced her lips open with his thrusting tongue. She responded pressing her body urgently against his. His hands began exploring the soft lines of her body, moving caressingly down her back, her waist, and her hips. Her body began arching instinctively toward him, as he slowly lowered her down on the sofa. His body moved to partially cover hers. She felt his hardness as he lowered himself onto her. Starsky found himself fighting to maintain control over the arousal that seemed to consume him. It's been so long...it's been a long time for Hutch, too. It's not right...I shouldn't be feeling so much pleasure...while Hutch.... No, Hutch wouldn't want me to.... Stacey's lips had begun making a path down his neck, quickly taking his mind off Hutch.
Rolling them on to their sides, he fumbled with the buttons on her blouse. After what seemed an eternity, the buttons were undone and he slid the blouse off her shoulders and down her arms. Starsky was breathing heavily now. The thought crossed his mind that they should move to the bedroom, but he didn't know if he could last that long.
"Damn, you feel so good," he whispered as he reached behind her to remove her lacy bra. With that obstacle out of the way, he fondled one small globe, feeling the pink nipple harden beneath his fingers. Then his tongue softly caressed her sensitive and swollen nipples. First one, then the other. Starsky uttered a low, tormented groan. "I better slow down," he said, his voice shaking.
"No," Stacey whispered. She reached for the zipper on his jeans, pausing to gently fondle his straining erection. Unable to control the urge to thrust, he pushed hard against her hand. Giving him one more gentle caress, she slowly pulled the zipper down. Her arousal now matching his, she wasted no time pushing the tight denim jeans down, then the briefs.
"Oh, God," Starsky groaned, as she took hold of his engorged shaft. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. He slid his hands under the skirt she wore. The skirt had now crept up to her thighs. Tugging at the waistband of the flimsy panties, he pulled them down and then eased them completely off. She gasped as his fingers slid into her hot moistness.
"Hurry," she begged, as she slid his shirt off his shoulders, wanting to feel his bare chest against hers. Starsky quickly obliged as he turned her onto her back, lowering his body onto hers. "Now, Dave...please." A loud moan escaped from her lips as he entered her. Together they found the tempo their bodies craved.
Starsky, out of control now, thrust harder and faster into her. Sweat ran down his face, and he knew he was only seconds away from the release he so desperately needed. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to rid himself once again of the image of Hutch. He struggled to get his mind focused back on the soft body underneath him. Stacey brought him back to the task at hand. "Dave...God, don't stop now. I'm so close." Feeling a bit guilty, he concentrated all his efforts on pleasing her. His mouth once again found her breasts, and he licked and sucked at her nipples just the way he knew drove her crazy. Stacey groaned loudly, and her body shuddered as it exploded in orgasm. Starsky grinned; he had always liked the fact that Stacey was very vocal. What about Hutch, was he vocal, too? Starsky found himself curious about what that cool blond partner of his was like when he was in bed with someone.
What the hell was he doing thinking about Hutch and wondering what he was like in bed at a time like this? Starsky gasped, brought back to reality, as Stacey's hands took hold and gently but firmly fondled his balls. He was close...so close. "Man, that feels so good." Starsky was pumping frantically. Feeling as if he were about to shatter into a millions pieces, Starsky's body arched and then stilled as he came. "Oh, man, that was incredible." He kissed her and rolled off her.
"I promise I'll take it slower next time," Starsky whispered softly in Stacey's ear. "Guess you could tell it's been a while for me, huh?"
Stacey snuggled up to him, smothering his face and neck with kisses. "You won't hear any complaints from me. Why don't we move into the bedroom? Starsky watched as her naked body moved across the room. He sighed deeply. With a great looking and willing bed partner like her, why did Hutch keep intruding into his thoughts?
"Hey, why don't you just call him?" Stacey whispered into his ear, as he crawled into bed next to her. Starsky turned to look at her. Had it been so obvious where his mind had been?
"What?"
"I know you're worried about Hutch. Why not give him a call?" Stacey's eyes were full of concern. "I know how much you two mean to each other. But I have to admit I am being just a little selfish. I still have plans for us, and I want your mind totally on me." She gave Starsky a wicked little grin as she ran her hands down his bare chest.
His hands roamed intimately over her body. "I promise you'll have my complete attention." His vow was sealed with a kiss. "I can wait until tomorrow to talk to Hutch. Now what about those plans of yours?"
~~~
Starsky was feeling pretty good the next day as he bounded up the steps to Hutch's apartment. The night with Stacey had been just what he needed. He whistled cheerfully as he waited for Hutch to open the door.
The first thing Hutch noticed when he opened the door was the huge grin plastered on his friend's face. He couldn't help but grin in return. "I take it you had one heck of a good time last night?"
"Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I think I had the best sex of my life last night. Actually, I had the best sex of my life several times last night." Starsky's grin widened even more.
Hutch just shook his head and laughed. "You're disgusting. Are you going to just stand there all day, or you going to come in and disgust me some more with the details of your evening with Stacey?"
"There was nothing disgusting about last night." Starsky moved into the apartment closing the door behind him. "You really need to try it yourself. It'll make a new man out of you. Really, Hutch, how about Stacey fixing you up with a friend?" Starsky in all his enthusiasm missed the pained look that Hutch's once grinning face had taken on. "Hutch…you just need to...."
"Starsk, please…I know you mean well. You just had a night of incredible sex and you're feeling pretty good. But sex…well, it's just not real important to me right now. What happened to me...." Hutch's voice started wavering. "I just can't forget what he did to me. It's changed me, Starsk. I can't stand the thought of anyone touching me like that." Hutch turned as if looking for a means of escape. "I'm sorry, Starsk..." Hutch's voice trailed off and he turned away.
"Hutch, it's okay. God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you like that." Starsky couldn't believe how insensitive he had been. Hutch stood silent and unmoving. Starsky hesitated, wanting desperately to reach out to his distraught friend, but unsure just how welcome his touch would be. Unable to stand there and do nothing, he stepped behind his partner. Reaching out, he wrapped his arms around Hutch, pulling him closer as he hugged him. Afraid that his partner would pull away, he was relieved when Hutch's body relaxed and he seemed to welcome the contact.
"Forgive me?" Starsky half whispered the words.
"Nothing to forgive," Hutch replied, as he reached for Starsky's hand, giving it a tight squeeze. "I know you only want to see me get my life back on track. I'm sorry I can't seem to get it together faster."
Starsky felt Hutch's body relax even more as he sagged into Starsky's arms. Keeping a tight hold on his friend, Starsky moved them toward the couch.
"Let's sit down." Starsky maneuvered them onto the couch, as he searched for the right words to let Hutch know he was proud of how far he had come after what he had been through. Afraid his insensitive remark may have hurt Hutch and caused some setback for him, he knew he had to say just the right thing.
They sat on the couch, Starsky still holding Hutch tightly. Hearing Hutch take a deep breath, Starsky found himself holding his own breath, as he waited for the words he knew Hutch was getting ready to say. He couldn't shake the idea that maybe.…
"I'm sorry, Starsk. I'm trying. Really I am. I'm sorry I've disappointed you."
"Hutch, you've never disappointed me. I know how hard you're trying, and you've made a lot of progress, too. I'm proud of you." Starsky kept up an endless flow of words, hoping he would cover everything…say everything that Hutch needed to hear. "I think we both have to remember that some things just take a little more time. I shouldn't try to push you. You'll know when you're ready."
"Sometimes I wonder just how much time it's going to take." Hutch's tone held a tinge of bitterness. "I'm not always so sure I'll make it back...." His voice trailed off.
"Hutch, you're one of the strongest people I know. My God...you survived the horror Forest and his goons put you through. You...you almost sound like you're giving up." Starsky changed position so he could look directly at Hutch's face. "Tell me you're not giving up."
Hutch winced at the mention of Forest. He would never forget how his life had been shattered by his forced heroin addiction. But it wasn't because he was strong that he survived.
"No, I'm not giving up. I'm just saying there are times that I wonder if I will ever be the person I used to be." Hutch leaned his head back against the couch, "I'm not really all that strong. I only survived what Forest did to me because you were strong enough for both of us." He shuddered to think about what would have happened to him if Starsky hadn't been there.
"I don't believe that for a minute," Starsky said, watching Hutch's face closely. "But I am still here for you."
Hutch opened his eyes and found himself looking into the deep blue, very concerned eyes of his best friend. "I know that. You've always been there for me."
"Always will be, too." Starsky attempted a feeble grin.
Hutch felt tears forming in his eyes as he attempted to return the grin. "God, Starsk, I really do need you...but I also need to find some of that strength you seem to think I have." The tears fell as he was pulled back into the safety and comfort of Starsky's arms.
"Hey, partner, any time you need me, you call. And if I'm being a mother hen, you just gotta tell me to get lost. Whatever you need." Starsky ran his hands slowly up and down the blond's back, as he listened to Hutch's slightly ragged breathing and waited for the tears to subside. He didn't have to wait long.
"Starsk...I do miss it. Not the sex so much as just being close to someone. Don't take this the wrong way, buddy, but just having your arms around me feels really good. Guess that sounds kind of strange, huh?"
"Nah, it's not strange; it's just the way we are." Starsky tightened his hold, happy to know that he could give Hutch some comfort and make him feel good.
"Starsk, a lot of people would say that we are strange."
Starsky could hear the slight chuckle in Hutch's voice. "Well, I don't think we are. Sometimes I think it's everyone else that's strange."
"You would," Hutch laughed.
"What do you say we pull ourselves together and go get a burger and maybe catch a movie?" Starsky asked, relieved that they seemed to have survived his insensitive remarks.
Hutch, somewhat reluctantly, moved from the comfort of Starsky's arms. "What about Stacey? Don't you have plans with her today?"
"Nope, I'm all yours. Thought we could do something together today, since Monday I go back to work. Won't have as much time then," Starsky gave Hutch a grin. "But don't worry, I do have plans with Stacey tomorrow."
"I'm sure you do." Hutch smiled as he got to his feet. "So where're we going for this burger? Huggy's?"
"Sounds good to me." Starsky was surprised but happy Hutch had mentioned going to Huggy's. He knew Hutch hadn’t felt too comfortable around Huggy or Dobey recently. It bothered him that they knew what had happened to him, and he had been avoiding seeing them as much as possible. Yep, Hutch was trying.
Pulling to a halt in front of Huggy's, Starsky turned to his partner. "You ready for one of Huggy's special burgers?" Starsky found his friend looking nervously in the direction of the Pits. "Hutch, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I was just wondering...does anyone besides Huggy and Dobey know?"
Starsky didn't have to ask know what; he knew what was on Hutch's mind. "No, only Dobey and Huggy. You know they wouldn't think of telling anyone else. Hutch, I wouldn't have told them if I hadn't needed their help."
"I know that. Okay, let's go."
Once inside, Hutch seemed to relax, and he joked back and forth with one very happy Huggy. Huggy had been thrilled to see the both of them. They were quickly settled at a table, and Huggy hustled off to get their food. Seconds later, Diane arrived at the table with a couple of beers. She gave Hutch a huge smile. Huggy's best waitress had always had a soft spot for the blond member of the partnership.
"It's good to see you, Hutch."
"Thanks, it's good to see you, too." Hutch gave her a somewhat nervous smile.
Starsky couldn't help notice that Hutch looked almost terrified of Diane. With some relief, Starsky watched as Diane walked away. The thought had crossed his mind that if Diane had made a move to touch or hug Hutch, he most likely would have bolted right out the front door.
Once the food arrived, Hutch relaxed and lost the terrified look. He even seemed to enjoy his burger. Sliding his now empty plate away, Hutch looked at his partner.
"Starsk...I sort of feel like I'm letting you down."
Starsky, now on his second burger, looked up with a puzzled expression on his face. "What are you talking about?"
"You're going back to work on Monday. I'm your partner; I should be with you."
"Hutch, don't worry about it. You'll be back soon."
Hutch's face clearly showed that he still had doubts about Starsky going back to work without him. "It's not right. We've always been able to count on each other."
"Yeah, and I'm counting on you getting back to work real soon. I'm also counting on you to quit worrying about letting me down. You never have and you never will. You've got enough to deal with without worrying about me. Understood?"
"Understood."
"Good, now I'm going to the little boys' room. How about ordering me another beer when Diane comes by again?"
"You got it." Hutch watched with a smile on his face, as Starsky made his way toward the men's room. Thank God for Starsky.
After ordering the beers, Hutch headed over to the jukebox. As he stood making his selections, he heard a soft voice ask, "Do you come here often?" He turned to find himself face-to-face with one very attractive looking young woman.
She gave him a dazzling smile, "Did that sound too much like a pick-up line?"
Hutch found himself intrigued by the young woman. Starsky's words echoed in his mind as he stared at the shapely young thing that stood before him. You really need to try it yourself. It'll make a new man out of you. Hutch swallowed hard. For the briefest second, the vision of him and the young woman, naked and making love, flashed into his mind. He even felt that familiar surge in his groin. Then another image appeared--this one of Jake. Hutch closed his eyes tightly, trying to rid himself of the image of Jake and the feel of Jake's hands on his body. The surge he had felt in his groin had disappeared, and now all he felt was sick to his stomach. The feeling of nausea grew stronger. He had to get out of there, away from this woman. Without a word, he turned and bolted for the door.
Starsky, who had returned to their table, watched as his friend made his hurried exit. Throwing some money down on the table, Starsky ran after him.
Starsky's eyes quickly scanned the parking lot. "Hutch. Hutch, where are you?"
Starsky moved toward the Torino. Glancing quickly toward the car, he could see that Hutch was not there. He stood surveying the parking lot. He knew Hutch couldn't have gone far. A movement at the corner of the building caught his eye, and he saw the blond head of his partner. He was kneeling at the corner of the building. Starsky hurried toward him. As he approached, the sounds of retching and gagging could be heard. Hutch, with one hand on the building to keep himself upright, was on his knees in the dirt, vomiting. Kneeling beside his friend, he instinctively reached out to Hutch.
"Hutch, what's wrong?"
"Don't touch me. Please, just leave me alone."
Starsky felt as if he had been slapped. Hutch now sagged weakly against the building. Starsky took in the anguished look on the pale face that was drenched in sweat. "Hutch, tell me what happened.
Hutch shook his head and then leaned over, as the heaving and gagging once again wracked his body.
"Hutch, please let me help." Starsky couldn't bear to stand by helplessly while Hutch suffered this way. This time, when he reached out for his partner, he was determined not to be stopped. Hutch flinched when Starsky took hold of him, but didn't have the strength to argue. Supporting Hutch around his stomach with one hand, the other hand reached up to gently hold his forehead. The heaving finally stopped. Starsky fumbled through his pocket with one hand, looking for a handkerchief, keeping hold of Hutch with the other hand. Hutch's breathing was heavy and his body trembled uncontrollably.
"Easy, Hutch. What happened?" Starsky wiped Hutch's face with the handkerchief he had finally managed to pull out of his pocket.
Hutch looked around the parking lot, then back at Starsky. "I'm pathetic. Puking my guts out in a dirty parking lot. Some partner you have, huh?" Hutch's face clearly showed the disgust he felt for himself.
"You're not pathetic, and you're the best partner a guy could have." Starsky hated to see Hutch reduced to such a distressed and deplorable state. This wasn't his Hutch.
"Starsk, get me out of here." Hutch uttered the words in a defeated tone. "Please, just take me home."
"Okay, buddy. You feel well enough to stand?" Starsky released his hold on Hutch long enough to get to his feet. Then with one hand on his friend's waist and the other holding his arm, he pulled the still badly trembling body to its feet. "You okay?"
Hutch nodded, and they started the slow trip to the Torino. With Hutch settled in the passenger side, Starsky pulled slowly out of the parking lot. He found himself driving with one eye constantly on his partner. He would never admit it to Hutch, but pathetic was a fitting word for the way he looked. He watched as silent tears began to slowly slide down Hutch's face. By the time they pulled up in front of Hutch's apartment, the silent tears had turned into sobbing. Starsky felt his heart breaking into a million pieces, as he listened to the tortured crying of his best friend.
Getting Hutch from the car and upstairs was not an easy task, but after much effort on Starsky's part, they made it. Easing Hutch down on the couch, Starsky went to the bathroom, returning with some cold wet towels. The sobbing had slowed to just an occasional tear sliding down the pale face. "Feelin' better?" Starsky asked, as he wiped the tears and sweat from Hutch's face.
"Nope. Don't think I ever will feel better." The same bitterness that had been in Hutch's voice earlier that day had returned. But the bitterness now also had an added defeated sound to it.
"Things will get better. It just takes time." Starsky tried to sound encouraging.
"Shut up." Hutch was on his feet. "You don't know what you're talking about." Hutch seethed with the mounting rage he had held inside for so long. "Time is not going to change a damn thing."
"Hutch, calm down, buddy. I didn't mean to make you mad." Starsky couldn't believe the anger that was evident in the blond's eyes. Jekyl and Hyde came to mind as he watched Hutch. Quiet and crying one minute and now his features contorted with rage.
"Mad. You're damn right I'm mad. You'd be mad too if some dirty pervert...." Hutch was so angry, he was choking on his own words. He glanced around the room, his eyes blazing. Making his way to the kitchen table, he sent everything that was on it hurling to the floor.
"Buddy, you've never seen me as mad as I am now. Damn it, Starsky, you don't have a clue what it was like. Face it, partner, unless you have a magic wand, there is nothing you can do to help me. My life as I knew it is gone. Destroyed. No more making love to some pretty young stewardess. Kind of hard to make love when you're busy puking your guts out." Hutch pointed toward the door. "Get out, Starsky. Just get the hell out of here."
"Hutch, can't we talk this through?" Starsky's heart was pounding, as he stood face-to-face with his angry partner.
"Talk? You wanna talk? Why? How is talking going to help? I spill my guts to you and you say what? What can you say to make things better? I don't want to hear any more of your 'it just takes time' crap." Hutch's tone was full of contempt.
"Hutch, don't do this. You've got to calm down." Starsky's voice broke. He didn't know what he was supposed to do to make things better.
Hutch chuckled nastily. "Calm down, talk. What exactly do want from me? Fine, I'll talk. What do you want to hear? You want to hear about me being terrified of a ringing phone? How about the nightmares? Maybe how powerless and helpless I felt while your brother's friend, Jake, shoved his prick into me. Is that enough for you, or do you want to hear more? You want more? How about how I'm scared to death of intimacy, scared of just being touched by someone? How about how fucking depressed I am most of the time? And how tired I am of trying to pretend everything is okay so you'll think I'm doing good. Or better yet, how about how I sit here and think about just blowing my brains out and completely escaping the pain I am in?"
"Shut up, Hutch." Starsky's voice shook with mixed emotions. How could he have not noticed all this anger in Hutch?
"What? You don't want to hear the truth? You want to pretend everything is going to be okay." Hutch whirled around shaking from the unleashed anger. "Isn't that what we've both been doing, just pretending that everything's okay? Well, surprise, partner, everything is not okay. Now get out of here and just leave me alone."
Starsky stared in disbelief at his partner, the man he thought he knew. "Damn you, Hutchinson. How dare you stand there and talk about pretending everything is okay for my sake. I don't need you to protect me. And damn you to hell for not telling me how bad things are. Blowing your brains out...my God." Just saying those words out loud seemed to propel Starsky's rage to the breaking point. Before he even realized what he was doing, his fist connected smack in the middle of Hutch's face. "You want me out of here...I'm outta here."
The blow sent Hutch reeling, he fell back against the coffee table and then onto the floor. He lay sprawled on the floor, blood flowing from his nose, as Starsky slammed the door behind him. Hutch groaned as the pain made itself known, but he made no effort to get up from the floor.
~~~
Starsky stood outside Hutch's door, still shaking from the anger that had consumed him. As strong as the anger was, it was quickly replaced by fear. Fear of what was going to become of Hutch. Fear of what was going to become of their friendship. And then there was the shame. The shame of what he had just done. As if Hutch hadn't been through enough, his best friend--the person he had always been able to count on--had just smashed his fist into his face and left him lying on the floor. Starsky turned and looked at the closed door. It was awfully quiet in there. He didn't hear any sounds of Hutch moving around. Could he just leave without checking on Hutch? Hutch's words came back to haunt him again. How about how I sit here and think about just blowing my brains out and completely escaping the pain I am in? Those words would always be seared into his brain. No, I can't leave him alone.
~~~
The realization that he was alone hit Hutch hard. His face hurt, but it wasn't the physical pain that was ripping away at him with such force. What the hell had just happened? As if my life wasn't screwed up enough, I have to make things worse by sending the one good thing in my life away. What if he doesn't come back? That thought tore at his insides. Without Starsky...nothing mattered. "Starsk...Starsk."
The sound of Hutch calling for him was all it took. Starsky was through the door instantly. The sight of Hutch still on the floor brought the shame he felt rushing back in full force. Then the thought that he might have seriously hurt him chased all other thoughts from his head. Kneeling on the floor next to his friend, he hesitated, unsure of what to do or say. He didn't know what Hutch was feeling now.
"Hutch?"
"Starsky...I thought you left."
"I'm here, Hutch. I didn't leave. Come on sit up, buddy." Starsky pulled Hutch to a sitting position, shifting him so that he was propped up against the couch. Surveying the damage to his face, Starsky gently ran his fingers across Hutch's nose. "I don't think it's broken." Hutch winced slightly at Starsky's touch. "Let's get you cleaned up and get some ice on it."
"Starsk, why did you come back?"
"I shouldn't have left like that. And I shouldn't have hit you. I'm sorry." Starsky patted Hutch's leg. "I'll get some ice."
Once Starsky had the blood cleaned off Hutch's face, he helped him onto the couch and applied an ice pack to the now swollen and bruised area around the nose and eyes. "Looks like you're going to have a couple of black eyes." Looking at the damage he had done, Starsky shook his head sadly. "I never should have hit you."
"I deserved it. I shouldn’t have blown up like that." Hutch did his best to flash a weak smile, but his face hurt too much to manage more than a pained grimace.
"Why not? You certainly have plenty of reason to blow up. Maybe you should have done it a long time ago. Blow up, I mean, not hit me." With a slight grin, Starsky took the cloths he had used on Hutch's face and left to place them in the laundry. Returning, he found Hutch pacing around the living room, the ice pack discarded and lying on the coffee table. "Hutch, lay back down and get the ice pack back on your face."
"Starsky, you ever think about how many times we've told a rape victim everything would be okay? Words, just words that don't mean a damn thing. We give them a little pat on the head, and send them on their way. We just put them out of our minds. Do you ever wonder what happens to any of them?"
"Hutch, come put the ice back on your face." Starsky feared that Hutch was getting himself worked up again. "We're both going to have a whole new slant on rape and the victims now. But there's no reason for the guilt trip." Managing to get Hutch once again onto the couch, he replaced the ice pack.
"Hutch, I wish I knew how to help you. You know I would do anything for you."
"I know that, Starsk, and it's the only thing that has kept me functioning this much. Just don't give up on me, okay?" Hutch sat up and once again took the ice pack off. "Why don't you see if Stacey is free and maybe you two could get together? You really don't need to sit here with me. Go have some fun."
"I'm not going anywhere tonight," Starsky stated firmly. "We had plans to spend the evening together, and that's exactly what we’re going to do."
"Starsky."
"Nope, I don't want to hear it. Put the ice pack back on and shut up and listen. I have one more thing to say and then I'll shut up, too." Starsky watched his friend, waiting for another blow up. "I want you to get help. Talk to someone who knows how to deal with what you've been through. If you want me to, I'll make some calls and see if I can find someone qualified. But you need to get some help." After saying his piece, Starsky sat quietly, waiting for Hutch’s reaction.
Hutch didn't say anything at first. He sat quietly, as if looking for just the right words. Finally, taking a deep breath, he replied. "The truth is, Starsky, I've been thinking about going for some help, but I'm scared. What if it doesn't do any good? Then what?"
"Then we think of something else. We don't give up. Time is the key, Hutch. It's just going to take time. Don't try to rush it. Take it one day at a time. Keeping yourself busy probably wouldn't hurt either. Tell me you're gonna try."
"I'll try. You make some calls, and I'll go see whoever you come up with. Now, can we change the subject for a while?"
"Subject is now changed." Starsky pushed his partner back down on the couch and replaced the ice pack. "I guess neither one of us feels much like going out to a movie. How about we find something on TV and I'll make us some popcorn? We can still salvage our evening."
The two watched TV and ate their popcorn in a familiar silence. The movie they had been watching ended, and Starsky stretched, yawning as he looked over at the couch where Hutch lay now sound asleep.
Starsky found himself drawn to the sight of the sleeping blond. So many different emotions flooded through him. The strongest of which was love. He loved his partner, his best friend. The urge to wrap his arms around the sleeping man was suddenly so strong. More than anything, he wished he could keep him safe. Safe...and happy. Would Hutch ever be happy again? Or was it too late? Forcing his thoughts back to the present needs of his partner, Starsky knew Hutch would sleep better in his own bed. "Come on, Hutch, time for bed."
A bleary eyed Hutch struggled to his feet with Starsky's help. "Where we going?" Half asleep, Hutch stumbled toward the bedroom. Starsky kept a grip on him with one hand, while turning off lights with the other.
Once in the bedroom, a still groggy Hutch clumsily pulled of his clothes, tossing them on the floor. "You're not leaving are you?" He had noticed that Starsky hadn't made any move to get undressed.
"Planned on it, but wasn't sure how you felt about it."
Hutch pulled back the covers on the bed. "I want you to stay." Hutch slid under the covers as Starsky began undressing. "Thanks, Starsk."
Hutch was asleep almost before Starsky had slid into bed. The warmth of Hutch lying next to him brought back memories of the night he had spent with Stacey. Just thinking of Stacey's soft, warm body, Starsky could feel himself begin to harden. Then the thought of Stacey's body was quickly replaced by the image of Hutch on his knees in the alley throwing up. Hutch's words earlier that night echoed in Starsky's mind. How about how I'm scared to death of intimacy, scared of just being touched by someone? How about how fucking depressed I am most of the time? And how tired I am of trying to pretend everything is okay so you'll think I'm doing good. Or better yet, how about how I sit here and think about just blowing my brains out and completely escaping the pain I am in?
I couldn't imagine feeling the way Hutch feels. And the thought of sex making him sick to his stomach...? I've never even tried to imagine what Hutch went through that day with Jake. Rape. I know what that is. But I've never envisioned Hutch being raped. Guess I didn't want to. Couldn't face it? But I expect Hutch to just carry on like nothing happened. Could I?
Closing his eyes tightly, Starsky forced himself to picture what had happened to Hutch. Putting the actual image of Hutch being raped into his mind, he could hear Hutch last night screaming the words, "Maybe how powerless and helpless I felt while your brother's friend, Jake, shoved his prick into me?" Starsky felt his stomach churn. Hutch had been practically helpless at the time of the attack. Seeing Hutch's violation in his mind was almost more than he could handle. Reaching out, he pulled Hutch tightly to him.
Hutch stirred, then settled comfortably into Starsky's arms. Starsky was thankful that Hutch would at least allow physical contact from him. Hutch's life will be so empty if he can never allow himself any physical intimacy. I can't let that happen. First thing Monday morning I am going to make those phone calls and find someone who can help him. Starsky couldn't keep a small smile from his face thinking of all the disappointed women there would be if Hutch didn't get things worked out. Hutch didn't talk much about his sex life. Oh, no, he was much too reserved for that. Starsky now grinned widely. Hutch might come off as quiet and reserved, but from the remarks he had overheard, his partner was anything but reserved in the bedroom. Obviously, Hutch knew how to please the women he slept with. Wonder what pleases Hutch? Starsky drifted off to sleep wondering what exactly took Hutch from reserved to turned on and totally out of control.
~~~
Hutch woke feeling more safe and secure than he had in a long time. The reason being that he was wrapped warmly in Starsky's arms. It felt good. But in reality, he should be sharing a bed with the pretty young woman from Huggy's this morning. A woman so terrified me that I bolted outside to throw up. And here I am sharing a bed with my best friend. Starsky seems to think that good sex might just be the thing I need. Hutch let his hand slide down and over the slight bulge in his briefs. As if testing to see if it would still respond, he slowly guided his hand inside his briefs and took hold of the slightly aroused organ. Feeling himself harden, he had a sudden urge to masturbate himself to an orgasm. Not now. Not here in bed with my partner's arms wrapped around me. Feeling as guilty as a teenager caught in the act, he withdrew his hand and sighed deeply.
Starsky, who was awake but had not moved for fear of waking Hutch, knew what had had just happened or, more accurately, what had almost happened. He felt Hutch's need as if it were his own. He closed his eyes and could feel the soft touch of Stacey's hands. Hutch needs to feel that same kind of physical love. He doesn't trust anyone but me. Do I dare try to satisfy him? Can I satisfy his need?
It was just a matter of sliding his hand over Hutch's hip. They had spent the night on their sides, with Starsky spooned around Hutch. His hand slid over the too slim hip--the lost weight another reminder of all Hutch had been through these last few months. Starsky's hand paused. What am I doing?
Hutch felt Starsky's hand move slowly down his hip and then stop. Tremendous disappointment swept over him, almost causing him to cry out in frustration. What's wrong with me? The thought of a woman touching me makes me sick and brings back the disgusting images of Jake, but my partner's hand on my hip and I'm…I'm getting hard. I actually wanted Starsky's hand to keep moving. I want to feel something besides all the pain. His need taking control, Hutch reached for Starsky's hand, slowly guiding it to his now throbbing erection. He held his breath, eyes tightly shut, waiting. Would Starsky jerk his hand away in disgust? No…Starsky's warm hand took hold and began a gentle stroking.
Hearing Hutch moan with obvious pleasure, Starsky's hand moved to the waistband of Hutch's briefs and slid them slowly down his legs. He paused for a second, waiting to see if Hutch would protest. When no protest was forthcoming, Starsky once again began stroking Hutch's cock. He had no experience knowing how to give another man a hand job. Shouldn't be much different from doing myself. Feeling Hutch harden even more, Starsky knew he was on the right track. Within seconds, Hutch was thrusting furiously into Starsky's hand. I want this to be so good for him. I want him to feel something other than pain and fear for a change. Touching Hutch like this somehow feels right. Not repulsive at all. Sort of a natural thing to be doing. Feels so good I'm as hard as Hutch is.
Hutch's mind was jumbled with so many thoughts--most of which he didn't want to deal with right now. He just wanted to enjoy all the attention Starsky was showering on his cock. His cock and the orgasm he knew would soon be rushing over him. He groaned loudly as Starsky fondled his balls. Damn, I shouldn't be feeling this good. How can I let Starsky do this? I should stop this....
Hutch's thrusting turned almost frantic, and Starsky tightened his grip. It wouldn't be long now. He felt Hutch's body tense, heard a long, almost tortured sounding moan, and then felt the warm sticky fluid fill his hand. Hutch's body trembled and then seemed to totally relax. Wiping the sticky mess on the sheet, Starsky pulled his partner tightly against him. "Hutch, it's okay."
"I can't look at you. How can you even want to look at me? I disgust myself. I let Jake...and then I force you to...." Hutch attempted to pull away, but Starsky kept a tight hold.
"Don't even start that guilt crap with me. I wanted to do it. You didn't force me and I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of what I did. And don't you ever let me hear you take the blame for what Jake did. You didn't let him do anything. So help me God, Hutch, don't make me punch you again." Starsky, taking hold of Hutch's shoulder, forced him toward him. "Look at me. No, better yet, feel this." He grabbed Hutch's hand and forced it down to the still hard bulge that his underwear barely concealed. "Does that feel like I have any regrets?"
Hutch's confused blue eyes looked directly into the determined eyes of his partner. "Starsk?"
"I don't have any answers, Hutch, so don't ask me any questions now. I just know you needed me and I wanted to be there for you. It was just one of those 'me and thee' times, buddy."
Hutch looked down at his hand that Starsky still held against his groin. "Starsky, I don't understand any of this." Starsky released his hold on Hutch's hand, but Hutch made no effort to remove it.
"I don't think either of us should try to understand it right now. It's just something that happened. Guess the only thing we do know is, it happened out of love and caring." Starsky reached out and touched the blond's bruised and swollen face. "I do care about you."
Hutch swallowed nervously, "I care about you, too." He moved his hand, slowly caressing Starsky's erection through the underwear. He looked questioningly at Starsky, "Do you want me to show you how much I care?"
Starsky wasn't sure the best way to respond. If I say no, Hutch could take it as a rejection. If I say yes, I'm putting him in a situation he may not be able to deal with. "How about showing how much you care for me by making me breakfast?" Starsky grinned.
Relief seemed to wash over the bruised and battered face of the blond. But the blue eyes still revealed some doubt. "Starsk...are you sure?" Don't say no just because you think I can't deal with this.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm starving." Seeing the look of relief on the blond's face, Starsky knew he had made the right decision.
Hutch fumbled awkwardly around the bed, looking for his underwear. Locating them, he slid them on, keeping his back to Starsky. It was obvious Hutch was feeling uncomfortable. "Hutch, don't do this."
"Do what?" His tone sounded almost apologetic.
"Make more out of what happened. What are partners for if not to lend a helping hand?"
Hutch turned to see the grin that had spread over Starsky's face. He felt himself relax a little at the sight of that familiar grin. "Well, partner, even for you, that was above and beyond the call of duty."
"It just goes to show you, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my partner. I mean it's not like I would do something like that for just any partner, but you're my best friend, too."
"Starsk, this conversation is becoming bizarre, even for you." Hutch couldn't keep a small chuckle from escaping. The mood had been lightened. "Well, anyway, I guess I owe you one."
"I'll remember that, but for now how about that breakfast?"
"Mind if I shower first?" Hutch asked as he headed toward the door.
"Nope, but before you look in the mirror, I think you should keep in mind that I'm really sorry I hit you. And it might not hurt if you'd also remember that you said you deserved it."
"I look that bad, huh?" Hutch paused and turned, grinning at the sight of his partner still tangled in the sheets and looking like he was planning on staying that way.