Comments on this story can be sent to: t6166@aol.com
THE TRUE BROTHER
by
Abigail Crabtree
Part Six
Starsky opened his eyes and looked around. Then closed them again as he experienced the relentless pain in his head. Where the hell am I? What happened? I remember...I was going to Hutch's. Nick...he had a gun. Where's Hutch? I was trying to get to Hutch. A car...a car hit me. But where's Hutch? Did Nick shoot Hutch?
Convinced Hutch's absence meant only one thing, Starsky reached for the call button. He wanted answers now. No, he wanted Hutch now. Please, don't let Nick... He couldn't even finish what he was thinking. Grabbing hold of the side rail on the bed, he groaned as he pulled himself into a sitting position. Damn...broken ribs.
"Just what do you think you're doing?" Starsky turned to find a nice, motherly looking nurse scolding him. "You are not to get out of that bed for at least twenty-four hours. Now let's get you settled and then I'll get you something for the pain."
"No…I don't want anything. I want to get out of here."
"What seems to be the problem here?" Starsky recognized the doctor's voice.
"Our patient seems to want to leave us, Doctor." Despite Starsky's protests, the nurse continued her attempts to get her patient settled comfortably.
"I need to know how my partner is."
The doctor addressed Starsky. "Mr. Starsky, if you are referring to the tall blond that came in with you, other than being worn out from worry over you, he seems just fine. I assured him you would be all right and I sent him home to get some rest. Now you need to do the same. If everything goes okay, we'll discharge you in the morning."
Before Starsky could respond, he felt a needle slide into his arm. "That's to help you sleep," the nurse said as she patted his arm. "I'll be back with something for the pain."
"I'll return in the morning to check on you, and if everything checks out all right, you can go home. If you have any questions or need anything, don't hesitate to call me." Starsky watched as the door closed behind the doctor.
Damn, I've got to talk to Hutch. I have to warn him about Nick. The sedative was already taking effect. Starsky could feel himself slipping into oblivion. The doctor said Hutch was going home to rest...what if Nick gets to him while he's sleeping? Starsky drifted into sleep with the image of Nick, gun in hand, standing over a sleeping Hutch.
~~~
As the elevator doors opened and Hutch stepped out, he stood looking about wildly. He knew he should stop now. He should wait for back-up to arrive. But he couldn't stop himself. Nick Starsky was his. I deserve this...I've earned it. It's time for him to pay.
Hutch knew he was out of control, but didn't care. Reaching room 308, he didn't bother to knock; one swift kick and the door flew open. A very surprised Nick watched in horror, as the crazed detective lunged at him. Hutch went for his throat, fingers tightening firmly and then squeezing. Hutch's opponent was not going to go easily, though. The rage in Nick matched Hutch's, and, using all the strength he had, Nick managed to throw Hutch across the room. Before Hutch could react, Nick was on him, his fists pounding into the face he so hated. Nick's own face turned red, as the veins in his neck stood out in livid ridges.
The taste of blood in his mouth and images of a beating weeks earlier, propelled Hutch to fight back with a vengeance. Now it was Nick on the receiving end, as Hutch's fists connected with his body over and over. The sound of sirens in the distance told Nick it was now or never. He had to kill Hutchinson now. The adrenaline kicked in and he fought back with all his strength. He needed a chance to get to the gun he had left on the nightstand. Knowing time was running out for him, Nick grabbed the blond by the hair and began to slam his head repeatedly against the side of the dresser.
A dazed Hutch watched as Nick lunged at the nightstand. Realizing Nick was going for a gun Hutch fumbled for his Magnum, but before he could get it out of the holster, Nick fired a shot at him. The bullet slammed into the dresser just above Hutch's leg. Trying to pull himself in closer to the dresser, Hutch took aim, but looking down at familiar brown curls caused his hand to tremble. We're both sitting ducks here. It's him or me.
Nick fired again. This time, the bullet grazed the side of Hutch's head. Forced to return fire, Hutch fired two shots in Nick's direction and watched as Nick's body slumped across the bed.
Hearing the sound of help arriving, Hutch collapsed against the dresser, letting the Magnum fall from his hand. Staring at Nick's body, the full realization of what had happened hit him, and a glazed look of despair spread over his face.
"Hutch, are you okay?" Hutch looked up to see his captain peering anxiously down at him.
"Captain, he's dead," one of the uniforms that had arrived with Dobey said, as he knelt next to Nick's body.
Hutch groaned at hearing the officer's words.
Dobey took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped at the blood on Hutch's face. "Hutch, talk to me. Where are you hurt?"
"Hurt?" Hutch sighed heavily, his voice filled with anguish. "I just killed my best friend's brother. I should hurt, don't you think?" Hutch pulled himself to his feet, swaying slightly.
"Where are you going?" Dobey asked, reaching out a steadying hand.
"I'm going down to the station and write up my report. You won't have to bother suspending me for this, Captain, I'll turn in my resignation while I'm there." Hutch pulled away from Dobey and, taking one last look at Nick's body, left the room.
"Hutch, what about Starsky?" Dobey followed after him.
"What about him? I'm sure he won't be in any hurry to see the guy who killed his brother." Hutch turned, and Dobey could see the eyes darken with pain. "Tell him I'm sorry, and as soon as I get up the courage to face him, I'll be by to see him."
~~~
Captain Dobey made his way down the corridor to Starsky's room. He wasn't looking forward to this visit. He'd never gotten used to the heartbreaking task of notifying the next-of-kin of the death of a loved one, but this one would be the most difficult of all. It's bad enough to be the one to tell Starsky his younger brother had been killed, but then to have to tell him his partner, his best friend, was the one responsible...
Dobey stood outside Starsky's room, trying to find the right words, even though he knew there were no right words for something like this. This was going to be rough on Starsky, but after the initial shock, Hutch--as always--would be Starsky's main concern. Dobey had always known that the bond between Starsky and Hutch was closer than most brothers. The relationship between Nick and Starsky had been strained for some time, and Dobey could only assume that it had gone downhill with Nick's involvement in the attack on Hutch. Dobey sighed heavily as he pushed open the door to Starsky's room. So much for both of them to deal with.
Starsky's eyes flew open, expecting to see Hutch coming through the door. He was more than a little surprised to instead see their captain. "Hey, Captain, thought you might be Hutch."
"Sorry, Starsky, it's just me." Dobey moved closer to the bed. "How are you feeling?"
"I have one terrific headache and I'm sore all over, but other than that, I guess I just feel pretty lucky."
Lucky? God, this is so hard. Dobey began to pace, still struggling to find the right words.
"Where's Hutch? I thought he'd be here by now."
Dobey swallowed hard, feeling the sweat run down his neck. "Starsky...I wish there was an easy way to tell you this...."
The look on Dobey's face sent a cold chill down Starsky's spine. Hutch...Nick got to Hutch. "Captain, talk to me. You're scaring the hell out me here. What happened...where's Hutch?"
Dobey could see the fear in Starsky's eyes and knew it was time to tell him. "Dave, I've got some bad news for you. There was a shooting, and your brother Nick was...killed." Dobey took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face.
"Nick's dead?" Starsky was stunned. He didn't know how to feel. "What happened?" Starsky's mind was trying hard to grasp what Dobey had said. It's Nick that's dead, not Hutch....
"Starsky, I'm really very sorry for your loss." Dobey watched the conflicting emotions playing across Starsky's face. "Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like me to notify your mother?"
"Where's Hutch?" Starsky knew something wasn't right about this situation. "What happened?"
"Starsky, I don't have all the details yet. I only know that somehow Hutch tracked down your brother in a hotel a few blocks from where Hutch lives. It seems there was a fight and shots were fired."
"So, Hutch shot and killed Nick. Where's Hutch?"
"He said he was going down to the station to fill out his report...."
"Captain, is Hutch okay? Why didn't he come here first?"
"He's feeling pretty bad, Starsky."
"I've got to see him. We need to talk." Starsky threw the blanket aside and began the slow and painful process of getting out of bed.
"Starsky, you stay put in that bed. I'll go talk to Hutch."
"No deal, Captain. It's me that Hutch needs. We need each other. If you want to help, just get me my clothes and help me get to Hutch."
"I suppose it's pointless to argue with you," Dobey said, looking around for Starsky's clothes. "I'll let them know you're leaving, and I'll call the station to see if Hutch is still there."
After Dobey left the room, Starsky sat on the bed and let the tears he had been struggling to control slide down his face. Nicky's dead...my little brother. This is gonna kill ma. What the hell happened to change you so much, Nick? I gotta call ma and tell her.
Pulling himself together, Starsky finished dressing, then dialed the phone. He couldn't put it off any longer. This would be the hardest phone call he'd ever had to make.
~~~
Pulling up outside Hutch's for the second time that day, Dobey hoped this would be the end of the pain for these two for some time. They had been through more than their share in the last few months. "Starsky, if either of you need anything, you call. I mean that."
"Thanks, thanks for everything." Starsky patted Dobey's arm. "You're a good friend."
Dobey watched as Starsky slowly made his way to the entrance of Hutch's building. It was obvious that he was in pain. Darn, stubborn fool should be in the hospital. But they'll take care of each other.
Every step Starsky took up the stairs caused his ribs to hurt. By the time he got to the top of the stairs, he was exhausted. He took a few seconds to catch his breath and then knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked louder this time. Still no answer. Fumbling in his pockets, he came up with his keys. Letting himself in, he found the apartment empty. No sign of Hutch.
Where the hell are you, Hutch? They told Dobey you had left the station. Starsky's head was pounding and his ribs throbbed with every little movement. Realizing it had been some time since he had had anything for pain, he reached for the bottle of pain pills in his jacket. Settling himself on Hutch's couch, he waited for the medication to take effect. A nap sounded good, but he wanted to be awake when Hutch finally arrived. Checking his watch, he found it was getting late. A lot had happened since he had left home this morning. Where are you, Hutch?
~~~
Hutch shuffled along the sidewalk. He had been walking for hours now. He knew he should go home. Go home and what? Call Starsky and tell him how sorry I am? Gee, Starsky, I'm really sorry I killed your brother today. What the hell was I thinking, going after Nick like that? I should have just called Dobey and told him where Nick was. Did part of me really want to kill him?
Hutch continued his aimless walking until he realized it was beginning to get dark. Looking around to see where he had wandered to, he realized he was just a few blocks from home. Picking up the pace, he knew it was time to go home.
Opening the door, Hutch was surprised to find the lights on. And even more surprised to hear, "It's about time you got home." Starsky sat on the couch rubbing his eyes. "I've been waiting for you."
"Why aren't you in the hospital?" Hutch said as he moved past the couch and toward the kitchen. He couldn't bring himself to look Starsky in the eye.
"I got tired of waiting for you to come and see me." Starsky watched with a sinking heart, as his friend marched past him. "I think we need to talk."
"What's to talk about?" Hutch stood head down. "The only thing I can say is, I'm sorry. Sounds pretty inadequate to say to someone whose brother you've just shot and killed, don't you think?"
"How can the truth be inadequate? Do you really think I would believe that you wanted to kill Nick?" Starsky started to get to his feet, but changed his mind when his ribs protested.
"Starsky, you should be in the hospital." Hutch was quickly at his partner's side, adjusting the pillows. "Is that any better?"
"No, I shouldn't be in the hospital. I should be right here with you." Starsky patted the couch, "Sit down."
Hutch hesitated, then eased himself down on the couch, trying not to cause Starsky any additional pain. "I am sorry...if there was any way I could undo it, you know I would... God, I can't believe I killed your brother." Hutch's chest heaved as he struggled to hold himself together.
"Hutch, it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry Nicky's dead. It's gonna take some time to accept all that's happened. But I know it wasn't your fault. If you're looking for forgiveness...there is nothing to forgive." He reached out and took Hutch's hand. "Look at me.... It's not your fault."
Hutch's hand now clenched Starsky's tightly. "Not my fault...nothing to forgive...." Hutch seemed to almost choke on the words. "I don't even know what I was thinking today. Everything seemed to happen so fast. It scared the hell out of me when that car hit you. And when the doctor said you were mumbling something about Nick and a gun, I think I just sort of snapped." Hutch pulled away from Starsky, got to his feet, and moved toward the window.
"Hutch, don't you think it was kind of understandable that after all you've been through you might react that way?"
"Right. That's what all the killers say--'I couldn't take anymore...I was pushed too far.' We've never believed that was an excuse have we?" Hutch turned to look at his partner.
"No, we've never believed that. But neither have we ever sat and waited for someone to kill us. You and I both know Nick was planning to kill you. There was a warrant out for his arrest. No one can blame you for what happened. You found him, things got out of hand, and it was you or him." Starsky struggled to his feet, wanting to be closer to Hutch.
Seeing the pain that flashed across his partner's face, Hutch was reminded who the real victim had been that day. "Starsk, you need to rest. Come on, let me help you get settled in bed." Hutch put an arm around Starsky's waist and proceeded toward the bedroom. Hutch took it slow and was as gentle as he could be, easing Starsky down onto the bed, but he still heard a small whimper of pain. "Damn, you should have stayed in the hospital." Reaching down, Hutch removed his partner's shoes and socks. "Better?"
"Yeah, that's good."
Hutch busied himself making Starsky as comfortable as possible. "Can I get you anything?" He pulled the blanket up around his friend. "Something for the pain maybe?" Hutch could tell Starsky was hurting.
"There's a bottle out in the other room in my jacket pocket."
"I'll get it." Hutch started to leave to retrieve the bottle of pills, but Starsky reached out and grabbed his hand.
"Wait a minute, Hutch." Starsky pulled him toward the bed. "Sit down for just a minute."
"Starsk..."
"Just listen for a minute, okay?" He noticed the dried blood and bruising where the bullet had grazed the side of Hutch's head. Starsky slowly shook his head, as he gently touched Hutch's face. "You could have been killed today."
Hutch pulled away from his partner's touch. "Would you stop it...please?"
"Stop what?"
"Stop worrying about me. Stop trying to make me feel better. I shot and killed your brother. 'Nothing to forgive,' you tell me." Hutch was on his feet, emotions running high. "You explain to me how I'm supposed to forgive myself?" Hutch turned to leave the room. "I'll get your pills."
Starsky sighed and closed his eyes. Damn, he hurt. But it wasn't the physical pain as much as the overwhelming grief. Grief for his brother and his mother. And grief for Hutch. Letting out another long sigh, Starsky opened his eyes to see Hutch standing in the doorway watching him.
"Here're your pills." Hutch moved closer and handed him the tablets along with a glass of water. "Starsk...I'm sorry. You get some sleep, and in the morning I'll help you make the necessary arrangements. I don't mean to make things harder for you. I hope you know that."
A huge lump formed in Starsky's throat as he listened to Hutch. "Hey, it's okay. You look like you could use some sleep, too. How's your head?" The sight of where the bullet had grazed Hutch's head brought a pained look to Starsky's face. He could have died. And he would never have known about my feelings for him.
"I'm okay, Starsk." Hutch opened the closet and pulled out a pillow and blanket. "If you need anything, just yell. I'll be out on the couch."
Starsky, with tears in his eyes, watched as his friend left the room.
~~~
Starsky tried to get comfortable in his seat, but his ribs prevented any real relief. His plane would be taking off any minute, and with a little luck he could catch a nap. Yesterday had been spent making the arrangements for Nick's body to be sent home. Hutch had handled everything, including all the expenses. Not only had he paid for Nick's body to be sent home and Starsky's plane ticket, but also had insisted on paying for the funeral. Starsky had tried to refuse, but Hutch had held firm. Fastening his seatbelt for takeoff, Starsky leaned back and closed his eyes. He wished Hutch was making the trip with him, but he had understood when Hutch had quietly announced that he didn't feel he could handle going to the funeral. Starsky knew how tough it had been for Hutch to face him; he could only imagine how hard it would be for him to deal with his mother. I know it will be difficult for me to face her. Sort of feel like I let her down not taking better care of Nicky. Within minutes of takeoff, Starsky had fallen asleep.
~~~
Hutch had waited for Starsky's plane to take off before leaving the airport. It felt strange to be driving the Torino, but Starsky, in his typical fashion, had insisted on going to the airport in his car. For a brief second, it had seemed like old times. Now sliding into the Torino, Hutch felt nothing but sadness and grief. Would things ever be the same?
~~~
Hutch paced the living room. He found himself at loose ends without Starsky. Starsky had been gone for eight days now. Deep down, Hutch knew he should have faced up to things and gone with Starsky to the funeral. Does making the arrangements for Nick's body to be sent home, and paying for Starsky's plane reservation and the funeral, really make up for not being there?
Starsky had quietly accepted it when Hutch told him he wouldn't be going with him. But he hadn't so quietly accepted the check for Nick's funeral expenses. Despite the fact that Starsky knew Hutch had money from his family that just sat in the bank, he didn't feel right taking money from Hutch. But Hutch had insisted and held firm, so Starsky finally gave in, but not without a bit of a battle. What was I thinking? Paying for the funeral expenses will never make up for taking the life of his brother.
Sitting down, he picked up a book he had started weeks ago, and tried to get involved in it. But it was no use. His mind kept drifting back to his partner. Starsky had called him every day since he'd left. It was always good to hear his reassuring voice. And it was relief to know that Starsky seemed to be holding up well. I wonder what Starsky would think if he knew how close I came to drinking myself into oblivion after his plane left? Guess the important thing is, I settled for one beer and then put in a call to Dr. Hanson. I think it might be helping a little, too. It should, all the time I've been spending with the doctor. Starsky wouldn't believe it. I've been to see Dr. Hanson four times since he left. Hell...I can't believe it.
Tossing the book down on the table, Hutch looked at the phone. The idea of spending the evening alone had become very unappealing. He needed to feel the warmth of another person. He had spent too much time alone already. Maybe I'll see if Ann is free for dinner. Probably not much chance of her having dinner with me since I haven't called her in months, but it's worth a try. He dialed her number with a trembling hand, holding his breath as he listened to the ringing of the phone. The phone was picked up on the third ring.
"Hello," a female voice answered.
Struggling to find his voice, Hutch managed a weak, "Hello." Get on with it, Hutchinson. "Ann, it's Ken. Ken Hutchinson."
"Ken, it's good to hear from you. I heard you'd been injured. I would have come by, but Dave said you needed lots of rest."
Hutch smiled, picturing Starsky in the role of mother hen. "Well, I think I've had about all the rest I can handle for a while. I don't even need the services of Nurse Starsky anymore." He heard Ann chuckle on the other end of the line.
"Yeah, Dave sounded like one tough nurse."
"Look, I know it's short notice, but is there any chance you'd have dinner with me tonight?" Once again, Hutch found himself holding his breath. He wasn't sure if he was more afraid she would say no, or more afraid of her saying yes.
"Ken, it just so happens that I am free tonight and I would love to have dinner with you. I've missed you."
The trembling in his hands increased as he considered the fact that Ann had just agreed to have dinner with him. "That's great. How about seven o'clock?" As he hung up the phone, he smiled. I did it.
~~~
Unable to deal with the thought of Hutch alone after all that had happened, Starsky changed his return flight to an earlier one. Starsky knew his mother had friends and relatives to help her cope. But Hutch was all alone. Not wanting to argue with Hutch about his early return home, he decided to just surprise him.
As the cab pulled up outside Venice Place, Starsky smiled at the sight of his Torino. Then he noticed Hutch's car was gone. He paid the cab driver, patted his beloved Torino and headed through the door and up the stairs. After letting himself into Hutch's apartment, he made himself at home. With beer in hand, he planted himself on the couch and settled in to watch some TV while he waited for Hutch.
I wonder what he's up to tonight. The two of us are going to have to have a long talk. But first, I need to know what's going on in that mind of his. Can he handle what I have to tell him? Can I handle it if he doesn't feel the same way? And why should he feel the same way? Hutch has always loved women. Hell, I've always loved women. Maybe I shouldn't say anything yet. What if my feelings aren't really what I think they are? I mean, what if this is just a temporary thing. Maybe just a result of my concern for Hutch the last few months. Damn, now I'm starting to confuse myself.
Getting up to get another beer, he checked his watch. It was almost midnight. Trying not to worry, he wondered where Hutch could be. He's a grown man, and I've got to stop this constant worrying about him. He can take care of himself. And that's what he wants to do...take care of himself. My worrying is not doing either of us any good. Maybe I should just go home and call him in the morning. Surprising him might not have been such a good idea. Just then, Starsky heard a key in the door, and he felt somewhat awkward sitting there like he was waiting up for his partner.
"Starsk...what are you doing here?" Hutch appeared taken back by the fact that Starsky was sitting in his living room.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I had this sudden urge to get home and hopped on the first available flight. Guess I should have called to let you know."
"No, it's okay. I'm glad you're home...I've missed you." Hutch's face showed such a mixture of emotions, and Starsky couldn't tell for sure what Hutch was feeling.
"I've missed you, too. You okay?" As soon as he uttered the words, he was sorry. Damn, why did I ask if he was okay? I always sound like I think something's wrong and he won't be able to handle it. But he does look like kind of...strange...tormented?
"I'm fine. Did you save me any beer?" Hutch moved toward the kitchen.
Starsky watched his partner, still trying to figure out what was going on with him.
Hutch returned with beer in hand and sat down next to Starsky. "How are you doing? How's your mother?" Now it was Hutch's turn to study Starsky's face. Is he really okay?
"Hutch, I'm fine. And my mother's fine. She's known for some time now that Nick was heading for big trouble. I think she sort of expected something like this."
"Yeah, she mentioned that on the phone. That was really nice of her to call. She didn't have to do that." Hutch had been surprised when Mrs. Starsky had called. She had wanted Hutch to know that she didn't blame him for Nick's death.
Starsky didn't want to talk about his mother or his brother right now. He wanted to ask where Hutch had been, but he didn't want to sound like he was prying.
Hutch got up and took his empty beer bottle to the kitchen.
Starsky knew Hutch was just going through the motions. Hutch said what he felt was expected of him, and answered what he thought Starsky wanted to hear. It was clear that something was troubling Hutch. Was it Nick? Was he unable to let it go?
"Hutch, you're not still blaming yourself about Nick's death are you?" Starsky had held back as long as he could.
"I'm dealing with it, Starsky. Really I am," Hutch answered with an abrupt tone. "Damn, I'm sorry." Hutch's tone was now apologetic. "I shouldn't take my bad mood out on you. It may not seem like it, but I am glad you're home. I really have missed you." Hutch sat back down on the couch next to Starsky. Sighing deeply, he leaned his head back against the couch. Looking over at Starsky, Hutch said, "Seems like I take one step forward and two steps backward."
"Life is like that sometimes, Hutch. Sooner or later you'll quit going backwards." Starsky patted Hutch's arm. "Wanna talk about it?"
"You amaze me sometimes, Starsk. How do you do it? Why do you do it?"
"Hutch, what are you talking about? Why do I do what?" a puzzled Starsky asked.
"Put up with me. Haven't you wanted to just walk away from me and my constant stream of problems?"
"No, you mean too much to me to ever do something like that." Starsky's voice had softened. "You've always been there for me, why wouldn't I do the same for you? Let me ask you something. Would you walk away from me?"
"No…not ever…but I've been so much trouble for you."
Starsky grinned, "Yeah, you've been some trouble, no doubt about that. But I love you." For a second, Starsky had the urge to tell Hutch just how much he loved him. But he knew now was not the time. "Do you want to talk about whatever it is that has so you looking a little like you've lost your best friend? Which, of course, we both know will never happen."
Hearing those words, even Hutch had to smile. But then the smile left his face. "I think I was starting to feel like I needed someone...something, I don't know. Just lonely maybe." Hutch took a deep breath and then was silent.
Starsky waited, knowing Hutch would do this at his own pace. I should have been here for him.
"I should have just gone to Huggy's for a burger and a couple of beers." Hutch stood up, and Starsky knew the pacing was about to start. "But I needed more than that. I wanted to be close to someone, to feel some human warmth." Hutch stopped his pacing and turned to look at Starsky. "Was that so wrong?" Starsky felt as if he had been stabbed in the heart. It hurt to hear Hutch sounding so empty...so broken.
"No, Hutch, nothing wrong with that." Starsky found it hard to speak around the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. I should have known better, though." Hutch's tone was filled with contempt.
"Sit down, Hutch." Starsky motioned to the vacant spot next to him on the couch.
Hutch sank down onto the couch. Starsky could see all the pain of the past few months in the blue eyes that stared sadly in his direction. "Go on, Hutch, tell me what happened."
Starsky watched as Hutch's body stiffened and his face became flushed.
"I had dinner with Ann…and…things were…going well." Hutch could hear the nervous stammer he hated so much. "I thought I could handle it.... How could...I have been so wrong? It was so humiliating..." Hutch looked as if he might bolt from the room at any second.
Starsky felt a small stab of jealousy at the thought of Hutch with Ann. He quickly pushed it aside as Hutch turned away, trying to hide the embarrassment that had turned his face a deep shade of red.
"Hutch, don't look away. Hey? What is it? It's me you're talkin' to. It can't be that bad."
"Yes it can! Starsk...I couldn't...it wouldn't...I'm afraid to take a woman to bed anymore.... Humiliation isn't my idea of a nice time...and what if I can never...? Damn it!"
"Hutch, it's okay. It happens to everyone."
"Not to me. It's never happened to me before."
"But, Hutch, think about what you've been through. I'd be more surprised if you didn't show some effects of all that's happened to you." Starsky hated to see Hutch beating himself up over something like this. Something that he was sure was only a temporary problem. Something that Starsky knew was not unusual under the circumstances.
Hutch's face showed confusion, as if he were tying to work out something in his mind. "Starsky, do you remember that morning...?" The nervous stammer was back. "You know…that morning when you...lent a helping hand, so to speak?" Hutch's red face showed his embarrassment.
"Yeah, I remember. Why?" Starsky asked.
"It's...well, it's just...that everything seemed to be working fine then." Hutch nervously ran his hand through his somewhat shaggy blond hair.
Starsky wondered where Hutch was going with this line of conversation. Is this the chance I've been waiting for? Do I tell him about my feelings now?
"Starsk, I don't know if I should say this or not, but I can't keep it in anymore. I think I might have liked it a little too much. I've been having some strange thoughts since then."
Hutch was on his feet and pacing again. Starsky watched as he moved toward the window. He spends an awful lot of time staring out of that window. It's like he's looking for something he's lost.
Nick's not out there anymore. The memories of standing there looking out and wondering where Nick was were still fresh in his mind. Hutch sighed deeply. "Starsk...I'm sorry about Nick. I wish things could have turned out differently."
"I know that. We all wish things had turned out differently. But in the end, it was Nick who determined the outcome." Don't change the subject, Hutch. Tell me about those thoughts.
Needing to know what was going on in his partner's mind, Starsky got up and moved to the window. Standing behind Hutch, he reached out and gently massaged the blond's tense shoulders. "Talk to me, Hutch. Tell me what you've been thinking."
"I don't know if I can. Don't know if I should." Hutch's voice had become a whisper.
Hands still gently massaging Hutch's shoulders, Starsky slowly turned him around so they were facing each other. "Would it help if I told you that I've been having some of those same feelings?"
"I don't believe you." Hutch stared at his partner, trying to determine if Starsky was playing some kind of game with him.
"Hutch, I've been wanting to say something to you about it, but I didn't want to make things any harder for you than they already were. But it's the truth. I quit seeing Stacey because of it. It wasn't fair to be making love to her and thinking of you."
Hutch moved away from Starsky, as if trying to give himself some distance. "Do you understand any of this? Why...why now?"
"I'm not sure anyone ever really understands love. It just happens. Men and women can be just friends for years and then suddenly realize they are in love with each other. And we've always loved each other; it’s just changed to a deeper love." Starsky's legs were trembling and his hands were sweaty. Things were out in the open now, but he still didn't know what Hutch was really feeling.
Suddenly Hutch felt as if his legs might give out on him. "I think I better sit down."
"Hutch, relax, huh?" He looks like he could pass out on me any second now. "You okay, buddy?"
"I'm okay. Starsk...these feelings...are you okay with them?" Hutch took a deep breath and tried to calm down.
"Yeah, I am. Earlier tonight I was wondering if I was feeling the way I am because of all the worry and concern about you. Maybe I was confused about my feelings. But tonight when you walked in here, I knew my feelings were real. I'm in love with you. How do you feel about that?" Starsky hoped he hadn't pushed things too far.
"I think my shrink will be needing a shrink when he's done with me." A faint smile appeared on Hutch's face, then suddenly, he grew serious. "I feel confused...happy...scared...happy. Happy is not something I really expected to feel again."
"Happy's good." Starsky was feeling pretty happy just hearing Hutch say the word. "Maybe we can work on that confused and scared stuff together, huh?"
"I like the sound of that." Hutch flashed a weary smile at his partner. "But I'm wondering...where do we go from here, partner?"
Starsky glanced at his watch. "How about we get some sleep? It's after three o'clock. After a few hours' sleep, we'll be better able to decide where we go from here."
"You're not leaving, are you?" Hutch didn't want to be alone with all these new emotions rushing through him.
Standing up, Starsky reached down and pulled Hutch to his feet. "Nope, I'm not going anywhere. Let's go to bed. We're both dead on our feet."
Hutch stood, taking in the sight of Starsky. Trying to picture him as more than a friend and partner. It still seemed hard to believe that their relationship was about to change course so dramatically. Will it change so much? We've always loved each other. The only difference now will be that we'll show that love in a physical way. And I do want that.
"Hey, are we going to bed or are you going to stand there and stare at me all night?" Not waiting for an answer, Starsky pulled Hutch into a hug. "Not having any second thoughts, are you?"
"No second thoughts." Hutch allowed himself the luxury of being held in Starsky's arms. This was what he had been craving for so long. Somehow, it felt right.
"Come on, buddy, we need some sleep." Starsky hated to release his hold on Hutch, but they were both about to pass out from fatigue. "Go on, I'll turn off the lights and lock up."
Hutch undressed and slid under the covers. It had been an exhausting evening.
The apartment began to darken, as Starsky turned off the lights. He stood in the doorway of Hutch's bedroom, noting how the soft light from the bedside lamp illuminated the fine, blond hair that streamed across the light blue pillowcase. The lines on Hutch's face appeared to have softened, as if some of the pain of the last few months had eased somewhat. Love and hope for the future filled Starsky, as he gazed at the face of his partner. There was no doubt in his mind that he was in love with Hutch. All he hoped for in the future was that Hutch would find happiness. Of course, he hoped that some of the happiness would be the result of a relationship between the two of them. If Hutch will give me the chance, I'll do my best to make him happy. That's all I want is to make him happy and take care of him. And if at all possible, I want to keep him safe from any more pain. He's been through enough.
Starsky undressed and slipped into bed beside his sleeping partner. Before turning off the light, he couldn't resist once more studying Hutch's face. God, how I love this man. I get such pleasure just from looking at him.
A shiver ran through Starsky and his pulse quickened. I want him so much. His fingers ached with wanting to reach out and caress the blond. Not now. Don't rush this. Give him time.
Hutch stirred and rolled onto his side. Sighing, Starsky reached out and turned off the light. He needed to be close to Hutch and so he spooned himself against his partner, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Hutch didn't seem to mind as he snuggled in closer to Starsky. Starsky felt his body relax, as exhaustion caught up with him.
Just before Starsky dozed off, he heard the whispered words, "I love you." Smiling, he pulled the blond tighter to him and let sleep take over.
~~~
The bright sunlight streaming in through the gap in the bedroom curtains told Starsky it was late morning. He found himself alone in bed. Stretching, he yawned widely and then threw back the covers. "Hey, Hutch, where are you?" Getting to his feet, he wandered out to the living room. "Hutch?" Still no answer. Maybe he went out for his morning run. He found fresh coffee in the kitchen and poured himself a cup. Taking a few swallows of the hot liquid, Starsky decided to take a shower and get dressed. Hutch would want the shower when he got back from his run.
Starsky sat on the edge of the bed, tying his trademark blue Adidas. Hearing the front door open, he yelled, "Hey, Hutch, is that you?"
"Are you expecting someone else?" Hutch yelled back.
"Nope, just you, blondie. Where ya been?" Starsky followed Hutch as he headed for the kitchen.
"Had a doctor's appointment this morning. Then decided to run a couple of other errands while I was out. You didn't look like you were going to be waking up anytime soon." Hutch grinned at the sight of his partner, hair still wet and shirt unbuttoned. "Hungry?"
"Of course, I’m hungry. Did you really have to ask?"
"Nope." Hutch set bacon and eggs on the counter and pulled out a couple of frying pans. "I'm feeling so good this morning, I'm going to cook breakfast for you. Just don't expect this all the time."
"I take it the visit with the doctor went okay?" Starsky was thrilled to see Hutch in such a good mood.
"Yeah, it was okay. It's still hard to talk about everything, but I'm trying. I think it's helping."
"That's good. Where else did you go?"
"I picked up groceries so I could make you this feast, and then...I...went to see Dobey."
"You went to see Dobey?" Surprise was evident in Starsky's tone.
"Yeah, there was a little matter of my resignation we had to talk about." Hutch had his back to Starsky, as he worked on preparing their breakfast.
"Hutch?" Starsky's voice showed more than surprise at hearing the word resignation. "What the hell are you talking about? You can't resign! I need my partner! You'll see, Hutch, everything is gonna work out okay. But you can't resign!"
Hutch turned to face his partner. "Relax, I'm not resigning. I gave Dobey my resignation the day I killed your brother. I went in today to tell him I wanted time to reconsider. As a matter of fact, I told him I wanted to come back to work in a week or two and see how things went."
Relief swept over Starsky. "You had me scared there for a minute."
"Like I said, relax. Your breakfast is almost ready." Hutch set the table and poured orange juice. "Starsk...I am a little nervous about going back to work. What if I can't handle it?"
"You'll do fine. I'm real proud of you, Hutch. Any problems that come up, we'll handle together. Now, you relax."
As they sat down to eat, Hutch looked at Starsky, "Are you really proud of me?"
"You better believe it. I knew you were no quitter and I was right." Starsky laughed. "Guess it just took you a little longer to remember you weren't a quitter."
"Yeah, I guess so. Just remember, Starsk...I still have a ways to go."
"I know. But I can already see the changes in you. The old Hutch is almost back." Starsky started clearing the table. "You sit; I'll do the dishes." Starsky filled the sink with water and started washing the dishes, as Hutch sat sipping a last cup of coffee. "Hutch, you still having nightmares? I mean are you sleeping okay now?"
Hutch joined Starsky at the sink and began to dry the dishes as Starsky washed them. "I sleep good most of the time. I still have nightmares, but not as often."
"It will take a little more time, Hutch, but you're gonna be okay."
Once the dishes were done, the two detectives settled down on the couch. "Starsky, we still haven't talked about where we're going now. I mean, about what we're going to do about these new feelings."
"I can only speak for myself, Hutch. I'm in love with you. I want it all. I want a physical relationship. But you have to want it, too. And you need to understand that if you don't want the same things I do, it doesn’t change anything. You're still my best friend. You're my true brother, buddy. I'll always love you. Nothing is going to change that."
"You're getting kind of mushy on me, Starsk." Hutch smiled. "I love you, too. I'm just a little worried, I guess. I mean, this is kind of new to us. What if it doesn't work out? What then?"
"Then, we go back to just being best friends and partners. I promise you nothing will end our friendship."
"I hope you have a lot of patience left, buddy. I think you're going to be needing it. I just don't know...I mean, I don't want to disappoint you in any way, but what if I'm not ready?" Looking at Starsky, Hutch's doubts suddenly seemed so foolish. The love seemed to shine in Starsky's eyes. What more could anyone want or need?
"Hutch, no pressure. We'll take it slow." Starsky took Hutch's face in his hands and gently lowered his lips to Hutch's. The kiss was gentle, but slow and thoughtful.
The touch of Starsky's lips sent shock waves through Hutch's entire body. He felt himself responding as he returned the kiss. This was so right, so natural. Breathless, he pulled away.
"Starsk...let's not take it too slow though, okay?"
"Whatever you say, partner." Starsky's lips swooped down to recapture Hutch's once again.
THE END