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Lost In The Night

By

Anne S

   It happened so fast it made my head spin. We were on routine patrol one night, joking about how mind-numbing things were getting, when we got a call that there was a "rumble" going down very close to where we were. We got there in a hurry. Two groups of young kids, around Kiko's age, dukin' it out, over, God knows what. We waded into the middle of things and tried to get them settled down, but all of a sudden a gun came out and it was pointed in my partner's direction. I knew he didn't see it, so I jumped without even thinkin' into its path. I felt a white-hot pain in my chest, but it was gone as quickly as it came.

   I was relieved to hear the sirens, 'cause we were getting nowhere, and a few black-and-whites rolled in, causin' everybody to scatter in a hundred different directions, cops and kids alike. Everybody, except Hutch, that is. He was left sitting there on the ground, holding me in his arms. I didn't know what to make of that, he was holding me, his hands in my hair, rocking me back and forth, crooning and moaning words I couldn't understand. I went over to him and put my hand on his shoulder, or tried to, but my hand went right on through. Then I saw all the blood and it dawned on me that I was a spectator here, no longer a participant. I must have died instantly when that bullet got me, probably right in the heart, from the amount of blood there was. That caused me to sink down right beside Hutch in a hurry. I felt so sorry for him. He was cryin' and pleadin' with God and beggin' me not to leave him. As if there was anything that I could do about it besides watch all this pain and want to put my arms around him and hold him. For the first time in my life, I was helpless. My luck, that Huggy always said would run out, had evidently done just that! And now Blondie was having to pay the price for it.

   I was real happy to see Cap'n Dobey charge outta one of those squad cars, 'cause I could see Hutch was losin' it and I figured, if anyone could hold him together, Dobey could. He took one look at the blood and all, and put his fingers on my neck to see if I had a pulse. I coulda told them nobody was home, but they couldn't see or hear me. In fact, when they brought the gurney in, they walked right through me. That was kinda a bizarre feeling, I'll tell you.

   Dobey knelt down by the Blintz, in all that blood, and put one arm around him and one around me. I swear, there were big tears in his eyes. I could see he was hurtin' for us, one of "his boys" was gone and the other was in so much pain.

   "Hutch, he's gone," he said softly. "You need to let them take him. They can't bring him back this time."

   He tried to pull my partner away from my body, but he wouldn't let me go. I started wonderin' if that was the reason I was still here, Hutch's love for me was so strong that he held me bound to the earth and when they pulled me away from him, I would just go floatin' free. After all, he'd brought me back almost single-handedly the last time I'd died, respectfully, with help from the big guy upstairs. Well, I just wasn't ready to go yet. I had to stay and see if there was anything I could do to help Blondie get through this. I know if it was me, I'd be a basket case or worse. Hey, I was beginning to feel like one myself and I was dead. The longer it took Hutch to realize I was gone and he couldn't bring me back, the harder it would be for him. I hoped they wouldn't have to yank me away. It was important that he give me up himself. So we waited.

   I looked around and saw several cops there, hard-nosed guys I'd worked with, Babcock, that old softie, even had tears streaming down his face. A couple of them had their juvenile offenders waitin' in their cars, but were stayin' around to see if there was anything they could do to help. There was hardly a dry eye in the place.

   The paramedics were getting' antsy, but Dobey growled at 'em a couple times and they retreated.

   Finally, the blond head came up and Hutch squared his shoulders and sat up straighter. He motioned the paramedics over and between he and Dobey, they lifted my body onto the gurney. I expected to fly away when he finally let go of me, but I didn't. I stayed as rooted to the earth as I'd ever been. I wondered what was going on. Why was I still here? Where was the sense in all this? Had I been left behind to work out some kinda bad karma? How could I work anything out when I couldn't do anything? Was hangin' around to watch my partner's pain and anguish a punishment for something I'd done?

   I guess Blondie and I accepted at the same time that what was on the gurney wasn't me anymore, but we always did have a little mind meld goin'. He smoothed my hair back and arranged my hands on my chest and was the one who pulled the sheet up over my face. I was so proud of him at that moment, I think I coulda burst! Dobey grabbed him at the last minute or I think he woulda fallen as he turned and let the big man lead him back to the squad car, where he got him seated in the back. It almost broke my heart, "I gotta stop thinking' in terms like that", to see him. He was pale as a ghost, "good analogy, Starsky, what am I?", covered in blood and looked like he might be going into shock. I hopped into the car with them and was happy to see that Dobey did the right thing and got him to the hospital. They hauled him into the ER and piled warm blankets on him and gave him something to knock him out for a little bit. I stayed there in the cubicle with him and watched him sleep like I'd done so many other times. It was the first time I'd had to think since it happened and I started to realize that I was really dead, as in, this partnership was over. I wanted to howl in pain. I wasn't ready, dammit! And not with a lousy low-calliber pistol shot by some snot-nosed, gang-banger. That wasn't the way I thought I'd go out.

   Blondie was resting kinda uneasy, thrashin' his head back and forth and mutterin' "No!" under his breath. I was wishing somebody would come see if he was all right, when the curtain moved and Huggy was there. He slumped down in the chair, sat right on me. It seemed like today was the day for soapy scenes. He was trying hard, but the tears were blindin' his eyes, too. If I coulda only told 'em I was still there. Huggy laid his hand on Hutch's arm and he calmed down a bit. Then he settled in to wait for the big lug to wake up.

   The service was really nice; honor guard, 21-gun salute, lots of old girlfriends, every minute I expected to go off flyin' toward the clouds. I thought maybe they let you hang around to see how much everybody loved you, then let you go, but I stayed right there, followin' Hutch around, watchin' him go through hell, tryin' to drown himself in a liquor bottle, shovin' everyone around him away. Of course, I would've done the same thing, God knows, but I thought it was kinda unfair that we both had to suffer. Hutch told me once it was much harder on the one left behind. I was hurtin' plenty watchin' what he was doin' to himself.

   I'd been doin' some experiments and discovered animals could sense my presence, but not people. I got to thinkin' maybe I could fine-tune this a little and reach the big Viking, considerin' the way we used to think alike, but nothin' had fallen into place yet. Occasionally I saw others who seemed to be "like me", but there appeared to be no communication between them and I was about half-scared to talk to them.

   Everything died down a little, but that make it worse for Hutch. He sunk deeper into his bottle and I was worried sick. I figured if I'd been alive, I woulda gotten an ulcer by now. Dobey and Huggy tried to stay close, but they had lives of their own. The Cap'n invited Hutch over all the time, but he just wouldn't go. I cursed his folks for their "warmth and sensitivity". I think he would have gone home like a shot, if they'd have given him any encouragement or love, but an occasional phone call was all he got from that direction.

   Well, after a couple months, he got around to going back to work, which I took as a good sign. Frankly, I was getting sick of hangin' around his apartment watchin' him screw up his life and knowin' it was because of me. There was a big skirmish about a new partner, of course. He wouldn't accept any of the cops Dobey suggested to him, wanted to find his own replacement. Dobey, knowing that in Hutch's eyes nobody'd ever be right, assigned him a rookie, green as grass, who was struck blind with hero worship and only wanted to get out there and get the bad guys. Scott was a good kid and tried hard, but the Blintz wasn't givin' him an even chance in hell. I could see they'd be good for each other in time, but didn't know what to do about it. The big dummy just didn't get it. I was gone and life went on and he'd just have to accept it.

   It was about this time that he started playing with his gun a lot. He'd get plastered at night, then get the Magnum out, clean it and just hold it. Finally he'd put it away. This went on and on, until one night, he lifted the gun to his head. If I'd still had my heart, it would've stopped still. I put my hand on his arm. It still went right through, but this time he jerked his arm like he'd felt something. He put the gun back down. He tried it again and I touched his arm again. His arm jerked like it was in spasm. He put the gun back in his holster and hung it up in the closet. He went to bed right after and I could see that he was puzzled and shaken.

   That night in his sleep, he called out to me and I was there, whisperin' to him, tellin' him things would be all right. I think subconsciously he must have heard me, because he started to turn the corner. He even invited Scott to Huggy's for a beer after work one night. While they would never have the kind of partnership we'd had, I knew things were gettin' better.

   I'll admit, I was a little tired of the whole situation. I mean I loved Hutch and all, but to be there and not be an active part of his life was no fun. I started roamin' a little, trying to find out what I had to do to get myself released, or whatever you want to call it. I didn't go far, though.

   It was about six months after my death that I found him in the cemetery, just sittin' there by my grave. I was still plenty worried about him, 'cause he wasn't eatin' and was still residin' in the depths of a bottle a little too much. I didn't think he'd given up the idea of killin' himself entirely, either. I stepped around in front of him and he looked up at me.

   "Starsk?" He looked like he'd seen a ghost, no pun intended. I knew that somehow, some way he was seein' me, plain as day.

   "Yeah, it's me, Blondie, I've been here all along, ya just couldn't see me."

   "Like, what are you now, my guardian angel or something, partner?"

   Oh, it felt good to have him call me that. I almost puddled up. "Hutch, you know I ain't no angel, guardian or otherwise. I just haven't left yet. I don't know why they're letting' me hang around, maybe I'm just workin' off some bad karma by havin' to look at your face all the time."

   "But, this is great, Starsk, to have you back in my life again."

   "Don't get used to it, Hutch, I think this is just their way of letting us say goodbye. You know, I've been watchin' you, and I know what you've been thinkin'; don't do it, babe. There's people who would really miss you if you were gone. You're the brains, Blintz, you know it's not the right thing. Besides, I've got a sneakin' suspicion there's somebody out there for you and you're gonna find her soon. She's something special, Hutch, hang in there. Hey, I love you, partner."

   I knew that he'd stopped seeing me. His face got all confused and he started to panic, looking all around him. He was distracted by a lady coming up to him, a really lovely lady, at closer look. She had this dark, curly hair, incredible deep blue eyes and a kinda one-sided grin. She looked like she'd be fun to be with. Her eyes twinkled like stars.

   "Hi, I wonder if you could help me out? My car won't start and, I hate to bother you here, when you're obviously grieving. Was it a relative?"

   "My best friend. He died saving my life."

   "I'm so, so sorry. I'm visiting a friend, too. She died in a car accident a year ago. If I'm disturbing you, I can walk through the woods there to town. I love the woods."

   "No, of course, I'll help you. Just hang on a minute till I put these roses in water." Hutch stuck the yellow roses he'd brought me in the urn and turned to the young lady. They went walkin' down the path talkin'.

   I gotta admit I felt a little jealous, but I felt damn good, too. I could tell she was a caring person and they'd make a good couple. I let myself relax.

   "Time to go home, David," said a sweet melodious voice beside me. I turned to see a young man with longish hair in a white robe.

   "I guess there's no use in arguing, is there? Can you tell me, is it because he found someone else to love, is that why I'm leavin' now. He's no longer holdin' me here?"

   "He never was holding you, David, you just loved him so much that you couldn't leave. You had to know he was going to be all right first."

   "And is he? Can you show me how things are goin' to go for him. I can leave happy if you could just convince me."

   "I wouldn't do this for just anyone, but there's so much love there, I'll give you a little taste of the future for your friend, then you can watch the rest of it unfold from upstairs."

   Immediately, they were in a hospital. Hutch was there and the lady he'd just met. They were holding a newborn baby out to him, telling him "It's a boy, just like you wanted, David Michael Hutchinson!

   Starsky felt the picture begin to fade a little, but as things began to blur around the edges, he saw Hutch cradle the baby to his chest and heard him say, "C'mon, partner, it's never too soon to start hearing some stories about your old uncle Starsky."

THE END