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Cheryl T

   Hutch swore softly under his breath as he paced around his apartment. Where's Starsky? Of course, Hutch knew that it was not unusual for Starsky to be late. Actually, it was pretty normal. But not this late! He glanced at the clock once again. Enough was enough. Grabbing the phone, he dialed Starsky's number. He tapped his foot impatiently waiting for Starsky to pick up the phone, but to no avail. The phone just continued ringing. Where the hell is he?

   Now Hutch was worried. Starsky should have picked him up almost forty-five minutes ago. Something had to be wrong. Taking his car keys from his pocket, he headed out to look for Starsky. Hutch pulled away from the curb and into traffic. His first stop would be Starsky's.

   Starsky knew that Hutch was going to be madder than hell. Checking his watch once again, he knew he was really late. He hadn't meant for this to take so long. He had only meant to stop and pick up some donuts. But he had gotten sidetracked when he looked in the window of the toy store next to the bakery. He hadn't planned on stopping to look at the toys in the window. It had just happened. And he certainly hadn't meant to go inside when the owner arrived to open his store. But here he was. Could he help it if he had never outgrown his fascination for toys? He was not looking forward to explaining to Hutch why he was late.

   Hutch stopped as the light turned red. Starsky better have a darn good reason for not showing up this morning. He didn't know if he should be angry or worried. The light turned green and Hutch started through the light. That was the last thing he remembered, as the sounds of shattering glass and crushing metal echoed though the morning.

   The sounds of sirens in the distance brought Starsky back to reality. The sirens reminded him of where he was supposed to be. Saying good-bye to Hank, the owner of the store, Starsky made his way outside and headed toward the Torino. Pulling out of the parking lot, Starsky's thoughts were centered on the explanation he would soon have to come up with for Hutch. He knew that Hutch was going to be furious, but he also knew that he would get over it.

   He was now only two blocks away from Hutch's place. Starsky knew that his friend would be cranky the rest of the day. Hutch hated to be late. He wished that the jelly donuts in the bag next to him would somehow appease his partner, but he knew better than that. Noticing flashing lights up ahead, he hoped that he wouldn't be stuck in traffic for long. That's all he needed. Traffic had now come to a complete stop. Ahead, Starsky could see several uniformed officers attempting to direct the backed up traffic. He stuck his head out the window, hoping to get a view of what was causing the hold-up. So far, all he could see was a semi-truck. By now, Starsky was getting very impatient. It was bad enough that he had already wasted a good hour, but now this. Curiosity getting the better of him, he got out of the car.

   As Starsky neared the scene, he could see that a car was pinned underneath the semi-truck. A chill ran through him as he thought of the poor driver of that car. The driver of the truck stood looking around as if in a daze. Starsky flashed his badge as he approached a uniformed officer that was attempting to question the truck driver.

   "What happened?" Starsky asked the officer, as he took in the dazed appearance of the truck driver.

   "This guy over here," the officer said as he pointed toward the truck driver, "ran a red light at a high rate of speed. The poor guy trapped under his truck didn't have a prayer."

   Starsky turned his attention back to the accident scene. "What about the other driver?"

   "We won't know for sure until we can get him out of there, but it doesn't look good."

   Starsky found himself compelled to take a closer look at the accident. Moving closer, he could see that the car was really wedged underneath the large truck. The car reminded him of...oh, my God...it looks like...no, it couldn't be Hutch's car. Hutch was at his place waiting to be picked up. He couldn't be here buried under this truck. Starsky felt his world begin to crumble. No matter how much he wanted to deny that it was Hutch's car, he couldn't. He would know Hutch's car anywhere. That dented up piece of...oh, God...it was Hutch's car.

   *****

   Starsky stood frozen in one spot as he watched the rescue team attempting to free his partner. He needed to do something. Anything to try and help. But he couldn't move.

   "I don't think there is much chance that guy's alive." Starsky turned to find the officer he had spoken to had followed behind him.

   "Don't say that!" Starsky said as he turned back to stare in horror at the events going on taking place. "Please don't say that."

   "Detective, do you know the victim?"

   "The victim...the victim is my partner." Starsky choked out the words. "He's my best friend. Please don't refer to him as 'the victim.' That's Hutch...Detective Kenneth Hutchinson."

   "I'm sorry, sir. Is there anything I can do for you?" The officer could tell the detective was close to the edge. "Is there someone you want me to call for you?"

   "Dobey...call Captain Dobey. Tell him Hutch has been in a bad accident."

   Starsky wanted to help, really he did. He knew he would be in there helping if it was anyone but Hutch. But he just couldn't stand the thought of watching them pull Hutch's body out of the wreckage. This is all my fault. I didn't need donuts, and I should never have gone in that toy store. This should never have happened. Oh, Hutch, what have I done?

   Despite his feelings of not wanting to watch them as they pulled Hutch's body out, Starsky found himself moving closer. I should be watching when they pull out my best friend's body. I should feel the pain and I should witness first hand what I did to my partner.

   Starsky was so busy burying himself deep in his guilt and despair that he hadn't realized that the officer had returned.

   "I made that call for you, Detective. Your captain said to tell you that he's on his way." The young officer hoped the news would bring a little comfort to the distraught man.

   "What?" Starsky said in a lost tone.

   Before the officer could repeat that Captain Dobey was on his way, the rescue workers yelled that they had reached the victim. He cringed a bit knowing that to this anguished man standing next to him it wasn't just a victim, it was his friend. But Starsky didn't appear to have even noticed. All he heard was that they had reached Hutch.

    Starsky could no longer stay back. That was Hutch and there was no way he could stay away. No matter how much he feared seeing what his irresponsibility had caused, he had to be there.

   "You're not going to believe this, but we have a pulse," the stunned rescue worker yelled out.

   Starsky was quickly pushed aside as the paramedics went into action. He watched as his partner's body was slowly pulled out of the wreckage. If the car hadn't told him it was Hutch, the sight of that blond head would have.

   "Did you hear that? They found a pulse. Your partner is still alive." Starsky turned to once again find the uniformed officer at his side.

   "Yeah, I heard." Starsky knew that even though Hutch was still alive, that he had to be badly hurt, and could still die. But the officer seemed to want so much to offer some hope to him, that he didn't want to disappoint him. "Hutch is tough and he's a real fighter." But despite his good intentions to sound optimistic, his voice wavered, and tears welled up in his eyes. Hutch is hurt really bad, and this is all my fault.

*****

   Feeling as though he was in the middle of a bad dream, Starsky watched as the paramedics worked on the lifeless body of his partner. Pulse or no pulse, he knew that Hutch was barely hanging on. He watched as an IV was inserted and a bandage wrapped around his friend's bleeding head. Hutch's neck and back were stabilized, then he was lifted gently onto a stretcher.

   As Hutch was lifted into the waiting ambulance, Starsky felt a gentle hand on his arm. He turned to find Dobey standing next to him. "Come on, Dave, you ride with me to the hospital."

   Starsky could only nod as he took one last look at the ambulance as it pulled away. "This is my fault, all my fault. I don't know if I can ever face Hutch again. Maybe he won't want to see me either. I wouldn't blame him one bit."

   "Starsky, this was an accident. Do you understand me? Nothing more than an accident." Dobey steered Starsky in the direction of his car. "We should get to the hospital now."

   Starsky remained silent as he settled into Dobey's car. To Dobey it might have been an accident, but Starsky knew it was the result of his own childish actions. Now he felt as if he couldn't even look at his partner. What could he say? I'm sorry just wouldn't be enough.

   Once at the hospital, they began the long wait. Dobey had once again steered Starsky into a seat. Dobey was very concerned about Starsky. It was if he had already given up on Hutch. The silence was so unlike him. Normally, he would be pacing about and demanding to know what was taking so long. This puzzling behavior of Starsky's actually scared Dobey. Something was just not right.

   Several hours passed before they were able to learn anything about Hutch's condition. Doctor Martin, a tall, slightly stooped, middle-aged man, had filled them in on Hutch's condition. He had explained that they had succeeded in getting Hutch stabilized, but there were several areas of concern. Hutch had regained consciousness briefly. The biggest concern was the fact that Detective Hutchinson was paralyzed from the waist down. At this point, they had no way of knowing if it was permanent or not.

   Dobey didn't know exactly what reaction he had expected from Starsky, but he certainly never thought he would stand in stunned shock and watch as David Starsky, without saying a word, walked out of the hospital. Starsky leaving Hutch now was just unthinkable. What the hell was going on?

*****   

   Paralyzed. The word kept repeating itself over and over in Starsky's head. Not Hutch...I couldn't have done this to Hutch. Starsky had been walking aimlessly since leaving the hospital. Now looking up, he realized he had walked several blocks from the hospital, but he didn't stop, he just kept walking.

   Dobey had quickly put in a call to Huggy and filled him in on what had happened. Huggy had promised to track Starsky down and get to the bottom of things. Meanwhile, Dobey stayed with Hutch.

   Dobey sat next to Hutch's bed. Looking at the pale and battered face of the young detective, he wondered how he was going to explain the missing Starsky when Hutch did wake up. He knew the first thing Hutch would be expecting to see would be the face of his partner. He was totally mystified by Starsky's behavior.

   Starsky's aimless walking eventually brought him home. He managed to make it to a chair, his heart was hammering and his breathing ragged. Everything was going so wrong. First, he was the cause of Hutch's terrible accident, then he only stood and watched as they pulled him from the wreckage...he should have been in there helping. What's wrong with me? And now to make matters worse, I just walked away from my partner...my best friend. How could everything have gone so wrong in such a short time? How can I ever face Hutch after all the horrible mistakes I have made?

   An hour and several beers later, Starsky still sat, jaw clenched, trying to keep himself from letting go and sobbing uncontrollably. Just thinking of what Hutch would soon have to deal with nearly shattered Starsky. His insides felt as though they had been ripped apart.

   A loud pounding on the door jolted Starsky from his depressing thoughts. "Go away." He didn't feel like any company now. He just wanted to be left alone with his guilt.

   "Starsky, you open this door now!" the voice of Huggy Bear shouted. "Right now, Starsky!"

   He was tempted to ignore Huggy and hope that he would go away, but he knew there wasn't much chance of that.

   "All right, all right." Starsky pulled himself from the chair and made his way slowly to the door.

   "Hurry up, Starsky." Obviously he wasn't moving fast enough to suit Huggy.

   Starsky unlocked the door, but before he could open it Huggy was already shoving his way inside. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Huggy demanded. "Why aren't you at the hospital with Hutch?"

   Starsky turned without answering and sat back down in his chair. Huggy took in the empty beer cans on the table next to the chair. "So this is what you've been doing while your partner...your best friend..."

   "Don't say anymore. I know where my partner is and I know why he's there. And don't tell me I should be there with him. Believe me, the last thing he needs is me around." Starsky's voice sounded bitter and angry.

   Huggy stared in disbelief at Starsky. "Care to explain all that to me?"

   "This whole mess is my fault. I should have picked Hutch up an hour before he had that accident. If I had been where I was supposed to be, Hutch wouldn't be where he was. Pretty simple, don't you think? He wouldn't have been under that truck." Starsky was now on his feet and pacing. "Just leave, Huggy. Get out of here and leave me alone."

   "Just leave, huh? Fine, you sit here and feel sorry for yourself. But I have just one question for you. What are we supposed to tell Hutch when he asks where you are? You want us to tell him the truth? His good buddy, Starsky, is sitting home feeling sorry for himself and drinking beer. You want us to tell him that you're not gonna be there for him?" Huggy was more angry than he could ever remember being. "Hutch deserves better, Starsky, and you know it. You know damn well, he would never leave you alone to face what he's gonna be facing." Huggy turned and started toward the door. He turned one last time and looked at Starsky. "I thought I knew you, but I guess not." The door closed and Starsky stood there alone with Huggy's words still echoing in his mind.

*****   

   Huggy headed for the hospital after leaving Starsky's. If Starsky wasn't going to be there for Hutch, Huggy would be. But he knew he'd be no substitute for Starsky. He hoped that Starsky would come to his senses soon.

   At the hospital, he found Dobey sitting quietly at Hutch's bedside. The sun filtering in through the blinds cast a gentle glow on Hutch's face. But despite the gentle glow, Hutch's face still showed the signs of bruising that the accident had left. Dobey was looking almost as bad as Hutch. Huggy really hated having to tell him that Starsky was not coming. Dobey looked questioningly in his direction, as if waiting to see Starsky coming in behind him. Huggy could only shake his head sadly. Dobey stood and motioned to Huggy to follow him outside. Once out in the hallway, Dobey demanded, "Where the hell is Starsky?"

   "Cap'n, it's the weirdest thing. Starsky blames himself for the accident and seems to think that Hutch would be better off without him around."

   "That makes no sense at all, " Dobey replied glancing in at Hutch. "And just what am I supposed to tell the badly injured young man in there, when he wants to know where his partner is?"

   "I wish I knew. Hutch is gonna have enough to deal with, without having to deal with his best friend walking out on him. And I'd bet my life that Hutch would never dream of blaming Starsky for this accident."

   "Why on earth does Starsky blame himself?" a puzzled Dobey asked.

   "Seems Starsky was supposed to pick Hutch up, but never made it. He didn't give me any details. Just said that if he had picked Hutch up when he was supposed to, none of this would have happened." Huggy shrugged. "Like I said, it's weird."

   "Huggy, can you sit with him while I make a couple of phone calls? I need to call the station and Edith. Edith will want to know." Dobey hated having to call Edith. He knew she would take it hard. She was just as fond of the two young detectives as he was.

   "Sure, I'm not going anywhere." Huggy watched as Dobey's sad figure made its way down the corridor toward the phone. Despite the gruff exterior that Dobey always tried to project, Huggy knew how much he cared about his two detectives.

   Once seated at Hutch's bedside, Huggy looked around the bare, sterile looking room. Shaking his head, he couldn't help think how his two friends spent way too much time in these surroundings. Hutch looked so pale and fragile lying there. The stark, white blanket pulled up around him seemed to match the pallor of his face that even the bruises couldn't mask.

   Even before he opened his eyes, Hutch knew something was very wrong. Where was he? As his eyes opened, he found everything was blurry. Gradually, his eyes began to focus and he could make out the figure of someone sitting next to him. Starsky?

   Hutch tried to move himself closer to that figure, so he could see who it was. But...he couldn't move his legs--couldn't move the lower part of his body. What's wrong with me? What happened? Starsky? Where's Starsky? Had something happened to Starsky, too?

   He moved his hand toward the figure sitting there. His eyes still didn't seem to focus clearly. He tried to call out to Starsky, but he didn't seem to have a voice. Panic was quickly setting in.

   Huggy turned and found himself looking into blue eyes that seemed to be searching for someone. Stark fear showed on Hutch's face. "Hutch, it's okay." Huggy moved closer to Hutch and took hold of his hand. "Everything's going to be okay."

   Hutch's eyes acknowledged Huggy, but kept moving around the room. His vision was more focused now, and he could see that Starsky was not in the room. The room...a hospital room? Again he attempted to speak, but was unable to. He wanted desperately to ask where Starsky was and if he was okay. Why couldn't he talk?

   Huggy watched helplessly at Hutch's futile attempts to speak. Starsky, he needs you! "Hutch, just take it easy." Huggy wished he knew what to do or say. This was not a situation that he was used to being in. Starsky should be here.

   Hutch's eyes filled with tears. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak. Where was Starsky? God, Starsky, I need you! Something had to have happened to Starsky. Why else wouldn't he be here?

   The door opened and Huggy watched Hutch's eyes as they looked hopefully in the direction of the door. The dejected look on his face told Huggy that it was not Starsky who had come through the door. Hutch sadly turned his head away and closed his tear-filled eyes. He had no interest in who had come through the door. Something was very wrong.

   The young blonde nurse who had entered the room attempted to make some conversation with her patient, but he refused to even look at her. After checking his IV and the bandage on his head, she patted his arm. "The doctor will be in soon to see you."

   Huggy was at a loss as to what to say to Hutch. Hutch lay with his head turned away as if to say, "Leave me alone." Maybe he did need to be alone for a bit. Damn it, I wish I knew what Starsky would do in this situation. Well, Starsky is gonna get in here and take care of his friend, and that is all there is to it. Hutch needed him!

   "Hutch, I'll get Starsky. Hutch, do you hear me? I'll get him. Everything's going to be okay." Huggy stood, waiting for some response from Hutch. Something, anything. Huggy waited. Slowly, Hutch turned his face back to look at Huggy. The tear-stained face clearly showed the fear and frustration he was feeling. "You do want to see Starsky, right?"

   Hutch shook his head nodded his head, as more tears slid down his face. He opened his mouth, his lips moved, but no sound. He clenched his fists tightly. Damn it! What's wrong with me? What happened? Were we in an accident? Did something happen to Starsky, is that why he's not here? No! Huggy said he would get him.

   "Hutch, take it easy." Huggy hit the call button. He felt so helpless. Where's that doctor? It made no sense that Hutch couldn't speak.

   This is so wrong! What the hell am I doing? Starsky paced his apartment, pausing occasionally to run his hands through the thick, dark curls. If only I could do this whole morning over. If only...if only. Too late for such thoughts. The damage was done. And I'm continuing to cause damage.

   His pacing had led him into his bedroom. He stood staring at his dresser where the newest addition to his toy collection--a shiny new caboose for his train--sat. He had been so excited the day he had brought that home. Damn! Why don't I just act my age? Seething with mounting rage at himself, Starsky brought his arm down and sent the toy caboose and everything else on the dresser crashing onto the floor. The sound echoed through the quiet apartment. But it wasn't enough. The closet was his next target. Opening the door, he reached up to the top shelf and brought the contents tumbling to the floor. Needing to release more of his pent up anger and fear, he stomped and kicked at the pile of remote control cars and models that lay at his feet. As the pieces flew across the room, he collapsed down to his knees. Suddenly, he felt an acute sense of loss. He knew he couldn't handle the loss of his partner. Not like this. I can't lose Hutch. Maybe I am to blame for his accident, but can I let my guilt drive me away from him...leave him to deal with this all alone? NO! I need him as much as he needs me now. I need him and I owe him! Starsky sat quietly on the floor, tears leaving their mark on his face.

*****   

   Huggy stood outside Hutch's door having just finished a conversation with Hutch's doctor. As Doctor Martin moved on down the corridor, Huggy was glad to see Dobey coming towards him. Dobey could stay with Hutch, while Huggy went off to bring Starsky to the bedside of his partner. By force if necessary. Huggy didn't have a clue as to how he would manage that feat, but one way or another Starsky was going to get his sorry ass in here!

   "How's Hutch?"

   "He's still without his partner, still paralyzed and he can't speak. How do you think he is?"

   Dobey sighed heavily. "No word from Starsky?"

   "Nope. Hutch is withdrawing more and more every second Starsky isn't here. He's terrified."

   "Any ideas on how to get Starsky in here?" Dobey asked.

   "Force, if need be. I'm gonna go back to his place and I'm not taking no for an answer." Huggy sounded as if he meant business."

   "Huggy, if Starsky still refuses to come to the hospital, you tell him I won't hesitate to bring him here in handcuffs."

   "You gonna stay here with Hutch?" Huggy asked. He didn't like to think of Hutch being alone.

   "Yeah, I'm staying. Edith will be in later, too. As a matter of fact, tell Starsky if he doesn't get in here, I'll send Edith with the handcuffs."

   As serious as the situation was, Huggy couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of Edith Dobey dragging Starsky into Hutch's room in handcuffs. "Well, that certainly ought to get him in here."

   Dobey, with a slight smile on his face, couldn't resist adding, "You just let me know if you need Edith for back-up."

   "Count on it."

   Starsky pulled himself to his feet. He had wallowed in his guilt and grief long enough. It was time to get to the hospital and support his best friend. If Hutch's condition turned out to be permanent, he would have to start making plans. Stepping around the broken pieces of what used to be some of his favorite things, Starsky made his way into the bathroom.

   Just as he had finished splashing some cold water on his face, he heard loud pounding on his door. Tossing the towel in the direction of the towel rack, he went to see what all the commotion was about. Please, not more bad news. Surely they would have called if Hutch had taken a turn for the worse. The racket at the door started again. Starsky yelled, "I'm coming. Hold on." He barely had the door open, when Huggy came barreling in. Before Starsky had a chance to react, Huggy had taken hold of his arm.

   "Sit down, shut up and listen to what I have to say." Huggy's tone was one of great determination.

   A shocked Starsky found himself quietly doing as he was told, backing up to sit down on the couch. But he couldn't remain quiet. "Is Hutch worse? What's wrong?" This was something new to him. Huggy taking control like this.

   "Oh, now you want to know how your partner is doing? Good, because you're going to the hospital with me now. I won't take no for an answer. And I'm not about to listen to any of that crap about this being your fault and Hutch being better off without you. You got that?"

   Starsky stood and reached for his jacket. "Where do you think you're going?" Huggy barked at him.

   "To the hospital. I was just getting ready to go check on my partner when you started that God awful pounding on my door. Are you coming with me or not?"

   Huggy stood, mouth open, as Starsky headed out the door. Damn, I really wanted to see Edith Dobey in action!

*****   

   Hutch gazed at the sterile environment he once again found himself prisoner in. God, he hated hospitals. Doctors and nurses always poking and prodding at you. The feeling of humiliation he always had when he couldn't do things for himself. But it was so much worse this time. This was total humiliation. He really couldn't blame Starsky for not wanting to be here. Not wanting to see him like this. But, God, how he missed him. He was starting to feel drowsy. They had given him something to make him sleep. The doctor felt he was getting too agitated. Too agitated? Didn't he have reason to be agitated? Wouldn't they feel the same if they were in his place? Waking up in a hospital, unable to talk...unable to move...all alone. Okay, he wasn't alone, he had Dobey and Huggy. But as close as he was to them, he couldn't let his true feelings show. He didn't want them to know just how terrified he was. Only with Starsky could he demonstrate his real feelings. His eyelids were getting heavy, but he tried to fight it. Huggy was going to return with Starsky. He wanted to be awake when Starsky got here. Within minutes, the drugs won out and Hutch was out like a light.

   Captain Dobey paced the corridor outside Hutch's room. He hoped Huggy would be returning with Starsky at his side real soon. The responsibility of filling in for Starsky was more than he could handle. Nobody could take the place of one of them with the other. It just couldn't be done.

   Seeing Huggy coming toward him without Starsky, Dobey felt his spirits drop even lower than they had been since this whole mess had started. "Huggy?"

   "Relax, Captain. He's here. He just stopped to talk with Hutch's doctor."

   "Oh, thank God!" Dobey breathed a sigh of relief.

   "How's Hutch doing?" Huggy asked, glancing through the open door of Hutch's room.

   "He's sleeping now. How's Starsky?"

   "Well, he's determined to be here for Hutch. He's scared to death and still feeling guilty, but I think he'll manage okay. We both know when it comes to Hutch, he'll do whatever it takes. This thing with Hutch being paralyzed hit him pretty hard."

   Dobey nodded his dark face, showing the strain of the last few hours. "Yeah, it's hit us all pretty hard. I'm praying that it's just a temporary situation. Otherwise, I'm afraid this might just destroy them."

   "Captain, you know better than that! As long as they're together they can handle anything."

   "I hope you're right," Dobey said as he noticed Starsky coming down the corridor. "Here's Starsky now."

   "It doesn't look like the doctor had any good news for him," Huggy said, taking in the slumped shoulders that appeared to be carrying an even heavier burden than earlier. "Starsky, what'd he say?"

   Starsky looked at the pair, his face showing the despair he was feeling. "How did a perfectly normal starting day end up like this? This morning when he got up, Hutch could speak and he could walk." The desperation in his voice was not lost on his two friends. "Why? Why did this have to happen to Hutch?"

   Taking Starsky by the arm, Huggy led him to one of the empty chairs that sat against the wall. "Sit down and tell us what the doctor told you.

   Taking a deep breath, Starsky looked up at the two anxious faces that were watching him intently. "The doctor went over his injuries with me. Along with the spinal injury, he has some broken ribs." Starsky's voice trailed off a bit as if he were having trouble focusing on what he was saying. "Head injury's not too serious...twenty stitches. His face is bruised and has some cuts, but... Damn it! I can't think clearly."

   "Take it easy, Starsk. Just try to stay calm." Huggy rubbed Starsky's taut shoulders. "What did he say about Hutch not being able to talk?"

   Starsky sat silently looking for the right words, but there were no right words. "Would you believe there's no medical reason for it?"

   "I don't understand. What do you mean no medical reason?" Huggy had a very vivid memory of watching the blond struggling to speak.

   Starsky's expression was grim as he replied, "It's psychological. Hutch is experiencing something the doctor called anxiety hysteria."

   "And what are they are going to do about it?" Dobey asked. He had been quietly listening to what Starsky was saying, but somehow the thought of Hutch having any kind of problem the doctors would refer to as 'psychological' seemed totally off base. Not Hutch of all people.

   "Right now, they're not going to do anything. In a few days if Hutch is still not speaking, they'll decide what kind of treatment would be best. He did say Hutch's speech could return any time." Starsky got up from the chair. "I think it's time I went in and spent some time with my partner."

   "Yeah, and I better get back to the Pits and take care of business. You call if you need anything." Huggy put his arm on Starsky's shoulder. "I mean it, you call. Promise me."

   "You're a good friend, Huggy. I promise I'll call."

   "Edith and I will come by in the morning. In the meantime, if anything changes or if you need anything, you just call." Dobey wished he could think of something to say that would give some comfort to the young man whose world had suddenly turned upside down.

   Starsky did his best to put up a brave front. "Thanks, Captain. Thanks for everything. And I'm sorry about walking out of here earlier and leaving you to handle everything. Everything's going to be okay now. I'm here for Hutch."

   "The important thing is you're here now. I know you'll take good care of him."

   Starsky stood outside Hutch's door, his hand on the door handle. He prayed he would be strong enough to help Hutch. Taking a deep breath, he turned the handle, opened the door, and quietly entered the room.

*****   

   Starsky stood at the foot of Hutch's bed. The need to reach out and touch him was so strong, but he held back. Maybe he didn't have the right to touch him, to feel that familiar closeness. I walked out on him today. I turned my back and I walked away from him. But I did come back. I'm here now, Hutch. And I'm not leaving you. That I promise you.

   He moved to Hutch's side and slowly eased himself down onto the bed. The need to touch won out over his fear, and he softly laid his hand on top of Hutch's. His other hand gently touched the badly bruised and swollen face. He felt warm and alive. Starsky knew it had to be some kind of miracle that Hutch was alive. He knew no one at the accident scene had expected Hutch to be alive. No matter what, we've both got to be grateful that you're alive, buddy. Easing himself off the bed, Starsky reached behind him and pulled the chair closer. He settled himself in the chair without ever removing his hand from Hutch's.

   Hours had passed since Starsky had taken his seat next to Hutch's bed. Nurses had been checking on Hutch every hour. Starsky had passed the time deep in thought. There were so many plans that needed to be made. First, he'd have to talk to Dobey about a leave of absence from the department. He wanted to be here for Hutch full time. Even if they were lucky enough to receive another miracle and Hutch's situation was only temporary, he would still require a lot of care in the coming weeks. And if they had run out of miracles...well then major plans would have to be made. He'd have to find a small house for them. Something with no stairs. He'd have to learn how to take care of Hutch. There would be much that needed to be discussed with Hutch. Starsky couldn't help wonder what frame of mind his partner would have when it came time to make the really important decisions. Not that it really mattered. Whatever needed to be done would be done. Hutch could fight all he wanted.

   It had been a very long day and Starsky found himself beginning to nod off. He fought it as long as he could and when he could no longer resist, he rested his head on the edge of Hutch's bed and drifted into a somewhat troubled sleep.

   Hutch woke slowly, feeling confused as to where he was. But it wasn't long before everything once again slid into place. Part of him wished he could just stay asleep and not have to deal with anything. As he nervously moved his hand across the blanket, he was startled to find someone's head resting on his bed. Starsky? It had to be Starsky. Who else would be sleeping with their head on my bed? He touched the head gently.

   Starsky stirred, realizing that something had disturbed his sleep. Hutch? Starsky raised his head off the bed, and found himself staring into the Nordic blue eyes of his partner. Blue eyes full of emotion. Starsky could see the fear, pain and uncertainty in those eyes. But at the same time, Hutch offered the faint trace of a smile. A smile that told Starsky he was forgiven. Starsky returned the smile, as his hand found Hutch's hand. Hutch squeezed his hand tightly, as if he never wanted to let go.

*****   

   Starsky once again sat on the edge of Hutch's bed. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Not needing any words. But for Starsky, the time had come to let Hutch know how sorry he was about what had happened. It was also time to admit and accept his responsibility in the day's events. Starsky cleared his throat and searched for the right words. Sadly, Starsky knew there were no right words. 'Sorry' was really a pretty inadequate word for something like this. Something that may have changed Hutch's life forever. Something that would never have happened if I had been on time picking Hutch up.

   Hearing Starsky clearing his throat, Hutch looked expectantly at his partner. He knew something was coming. Bad news? Starsky turned as Hutch's hand closed on his arm. Not trusting that his ability to speak had returned, he simply shook his head no.

   "Hutch." Hutch shook his head again, this time with such force that it made the throbbing in his head worse, and brought on a rush of dizziness that caused him to fall weakly back against the pillows. "Take it easy, buddy. Just let me talk, okay? There are a few things I need to say. Please just hear me out."

   Not having much choice in the matter, Hutch remained still as he watched his partner now pacing around the bed. "It's now or never," Starsky thought to himself. He stopped his pacing at the side of Hutch's bed. Sitting down, he took hold of Hutch's hands again. Seeing how nervous Starsky was, Hutch knew that whatever it was his partner had to say had to be bad. Had the doctors told him something?

   Seeing the fear in Hutch's eyes, Starsky knew what Hutch was thinking. He thinks I'm going to dump more bad news on him. He thinks his condition's even worse than he's been told. "Hutch, it's okay. I just want to tell you I'm sorry." Confusion had replaced the look of fear in Hutch's eyes. Hutch wanted to tell Starsky he didn't understand.

   "Hutch, I know this is all my fault. If I hadn't stopped on my way to pick you up, this wouldn't have happened." The words just started tumbling out of his mouth; he had to make Hutch understand. "You have to understand how very sorry I am. You have to know that if I could change things I would. Forgive me...please forgive me, Hutch." Taking a deep breath, Starsky continued on, "I'm sorry I walked out on you, too. I just didn't know how I could ever face you."

   Feeling very frustrated, Hutch shook Starsky's arm to get his attention. Starsky had kept his eyes downcast as the words had spilled out. Hutch needed to make eye contact with him. It was his turn to make Starsky understand. Starsky raised his tear-filled eyes to find the blond slowly shaking his head no, as his own tears flowed down his face. Then feeling his heart shattering into little pieces, Starsky watched as his partner struggled to speak. His lips moved to form the words, but nothing happened. Finding himself still unable to speak added to the trauma of the day's events, then watching his partner's tear-stained face as he begged for forgiveness became too much for Hutch. With both fists clenched tightly, he began slamming his fists on the bed--his anger and frustration evident each time his fists connected with the bed. But it just wasn't enough. The fists moved, making their new target his own body. The pain he felt as he struck his broken ribs didn't matter. Nothing mattered other than the fact that he couldn't communicate to his best friend that forgiveness was not necessary. He couldn't speak, he couldn't do anything for himself. He couldn't express his feelings to Starsky.

   Stunned at the extent of the rage Hutch was feeling, it took Starsky several seconds to react. Grabbing his partner's hands, he attempted to restrain them. Hutch struggled, and Starsky was surprised that even in his weakened condition Hutch could put up such a fight. He knew Hutch was reacting to the anger he was feeling. "Hutch, please don't do this. Don't hurt yourself. I promise you, everything is going to be okay." It took a minute, but finally Hutch had completely given up his struggle. Starsky wrapped his arms around his friend and pulled him tightly to him. "I know this isn't easy. Just try to be a little patient, huh? The doctor says you'll be talking again in no time. I know there's probably a lot of things you'd like to say right now, questions you want to ask." At this point, even Starsky was beginning to find it difficult to speak. "Hey, hold on, buddy. I'll be right back." He gently laid Hutch back against the pillows. "Be right back, promise!"

   Before Hutch could even wonder what his partner was up to, Starsky was back at his bedside. Grinning like he had made some magnificent discovery, he held out a pad of paper and a pencil. "Here, this'll work until your speech comes back." Hutch hesitated for a second and took the paper and pencil from Starsky's hand. He knew he should be grateful, but part of him still couldn't help feel humiliated.

   Starsky watched like a proud parent as Hutch began writing on the pad of paper. After looking it over, Hutch handed the paper to Starsky. Hutch had written in large letters: Don't do this to yourself. Please! It was an ACCIDENT!! Starsky found Hutch's blue eyes practically imploring him to believe what he had written. Starsky nodded, "Thanks."

*****   

   The next half hour passed calmly. Hutch, using his notepad and pencil, had asked several questions about his accident. He was relieved to hear that no one else had been hurt. After a while, though, Hutch seemed to tire and he put the notepad and pencil aside. As Starsky retrieved the writing material and placed it safely on the bedside table, two nurses entered the room. They greeted their patient and his guest with smiles, but Starsky noticed that Hutch did not return their smiles. As a matter of fact, he seemed to be more than a little dismayed to see them.

   "I'm sorry, but we're going to have to ask you to leave the room for just a bit," the taller of the two nurses said to Starsky. Looking over at his friend, he found Hutch with his eyes tightly closed, looking even paler than he had earlier.

   "Sure, I'll wait outside," Starsky said, as he motioned to the taller nurse that he wanted to speak to her outside. He didn't understand what was going on. What were they going to do to Hutch that seemed to cause him so much anxiety? The nurse followed Starsky out into the corridor. "What is going on? Starsky asked, not wasting any time and asking in his usual outright, blunt fashion.

   "You realize that your friend has no control of his bodily functions due to his paralysis? We need to change him now, and we're going to have to catheterize him. Starsky paled as the words hit him. "God...I didn't even think."

   "Most people don't think about it." She patted his arm, knowing how much this must hurt him to see his friend reduced to such a thing.

   The nurse went back into the room, as Starsky sagged against the wall outside. Saddened, he feared that Hutch would rather die than live in this degrading, humiliating and weakened state. The thought crossed his mind that he himself might rather die than watch as his once strong and active friend was reduced to this. Hutch may have forgiven me, but I'm not sure I can forgive myself. I've got to be strong for him, but it's going to be so hard.

   Hutch wanted nothing more right now than to just plain die. He knew tears were running down his face. He was lying in his own waste, while two nurses cleaned him up. He had attempted to put up a bit of a fight, hoping maybe they'd go away and leave him with some dignity. But that was one more battle he had lost. Was this all that life held for him now? If so...he wasn't sure he was all that interested.

    Being the trained professionals they were, the two nurses had him cleaned and catheterized in no time. They left Hutch on his side, pillows keeping him in place. "Can't even choose your own sleeping position," he thought bitterly. They had him facing away from the door so his back was to Starsky when he returned.

   Starsky stood just inside the door, not knowing what he should say or do. The only thing I can do...is be here for him.

   "Hey, buddy. You sleeping?"

   Moving his chair so that he could be facing Hutch, he sat down. Hutch's eyes were still tightly closed. "Hutch?" He knew Hutch wasn't sleeping. He couldn't begin to imagine what Hutch was thinking right now. He carefully brushed the fine strands of blond hair off Hutch's bandaged forehead. He knew the hair was just an excuse to touch his friend. Seeing tears sliding from the tightly closed eyes made Starsky feel so helpless. Taking a tissue from the bedside table, he gently wiped the tears away. "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Buddy, if I could I'd trade places with you... Thinking that maybe Hutch needed some closeness, Starsky moved from the chair to the edge of the bed. "Hey, how about I rub your shoulders for you, huh?" Knowing Hutch probably wouldn't attempt to respond in any way, Starsky started gently massaging his partner's tense shoulders. "How's that? Feel good?" Starsky kept up a steady stream of soothing words as he continued massaging his friend's shoulders. It wasn't until much later when a nurse came in to check on Hutch, that Starsky realized his partner was sleeping peacefully.

*****   

   Starsky stood and stretched as he walked over to look out the window. It looked like it was going to be a nice day. The sun felt good coming through the window. He had barely left Hutch's hospital room in three days. And he had not left the hospital at all. He had been prepared to put up a fight with the hospital staff about him staying at Hutch's side, but somehow Dobey had pulled some strings and it had become understood that Starsky would not be leaving any time soon. The hospital had even gone as far as to bring in a bed for the dedicated detective. And good friend, Huggy, kept Starsky supplied with clean clothes, toiletries and hot meals.

   Hearing Hutch stir behind him, Starsky put a smile on his face and turned to face his partner. "Good morning!" The only response to his cheerful good morning was a weak attempt at a smile by his blond partner, which Starsky figured was better than nothing. The last couple of days had been a bit like being on a wild roller coaster ride. One minute Hutch was calm and rational, and the next his rage and despair completely took over.

   "Good morning." A cute young nurse came in carrying Hutch's breakfast. She smiled at both of them as she set the tray down. "Please try and eat something this morning, Mr. Hutchinson. How about you, Mr. Starsky, can I bring you a tray?"

   "No thanks. I'll get something later." Starsky smiled at the nurse. He felt kind of sorry for Hutch's nurses. Hutch certainly was not a model patient, and he had been taking a lot of his anger out on the hospital staff.

   "Well, just yell if either of you need anything," she said as she left the room.

   "Well, what do you say we get you set up here for breakfast?" Starsky adjusted the pillows behind Hutch, and soon had him sitting up ready for breakfast. After placing the tray in front of Hutch, he took his usual seat. "Come on, Hutch, it doesn't look too bad this morning. Try and eat something."

   Starsky was beginning to know what it felt like to be a parent. A parent with a difficult child. He watched as Hutch just stared at the food in front of him. He practically had to bite his tongue to keep from screaming at Hutch to just eat. Finally, Hutch, knowing that Starsky was watching him, picked up the glass of juice and took a couple of sips from it. Hutch tried to eat, but ended up just picking at his food. Everyone was telling him to eat, but the truth was he just didn't have an appetite. Pushing the tray away, he hoped it at least looked like he had made an attempt on his breakfast.

   Starsky wasn't fooled, but he let it slide. "All done, partner?" Starsky moved the tray out of the way. "Those pretty nurses should be here any minute to get you ready for the day."

   Hutch reached for the paper and pencil. Starsky could tell from the furious motion of his hand while he was writing that Hutch was upset. Finished, Hutch let the pencil fall and shoved the paper at Starsky. Starsky thought he might choke, the lump in his throat seemed so large. Hutch had written: Do you think that pretty nurses make my humiliation any less? They don't! I hate this!

   "Aw, Hutch, I hate this, too. But you can't give up. This may only be a temporary thing. You just can't give up, Hutch!" Starsky was realizing just how helpless he was in this situation. He didn't have a clue what to say or do to help Hutch. That wasn't Hutch lying in that bed, it was some stranger. Hutch had never been a quitter. Starsky moved closer to the bed and reached to take the hand of his partner, wanting to offer some comfort. But Hutch didn't want comfort, he jerked his hand away and closed his eyes. "Hutch, don't do this, buddy. Let me help you."

   Hutch opened his eyes, retrieved the pad of paper and the pencil from where he had dropped it on the bed earlier, and scribbled another note: I know you want to help, but you can't. Go home.

   Starsky shook his head as he read the scribbled message. "I'm not going home! I'll go get some breakfast, and then I'll be back. You better understand something...I'm not leaving you. No matter what you say." Without another word or glance in his friend's direction, Starsky turned and walked out of the room.

*****   

   Hutch watched sadly as his partner left the room. He knew Starsky was upset with him. This whole situation hurt like hell. It wasn't just the humiliation of the nurses seeing him like this, he hated Starsky seeing him like this. If this turned out to be a permanent thing, he didn't want Starsky devoting the rest of his life to him. He couldn't stand that.

   Hutch's thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the two nurses who took care of him during the day. Starsky was right, they were pretty. And they seemed like very nice young women. Under different circumstances, Hutch didn't doubt that he would have asked the blonde out.

   The two young nurses kept up a steady stream of conversation as they took care of their patient. Though they knew he wouldn't respond, they at least hoped it would distract him from the unpleasantness of the situation. Hutch knew what they were trying to do, but their efforts were not very successful. He found himself breathing a sigh of relief as a clean sheet and blanket was tucked back around him, and the pretty blonde nurse began preparing to give the patient a shave. This he could almost enjoy.

   Starsky ate a large, leisurely breakfast in the hospital cafeteria, then stopped and picked up some magazines for his partner. He hoped that maybe the magazines would occupy Hutch for a bit, maybe take his mind off things. Starsky wished he could somehow distract his own mind for a while as well. But he knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

   Hutch was facing away from the door when Starsky entered the room. The bed had been adjusted so that he was in an upright position. The blinds had been closed, the sun being kept out. "Hey, buddy, how about we let some of that nice warm sunshine in?" Starsky moved around the bed to get a look at his partner. He placed the magazines he had brought for Hutch on the table. "How about it, partner? No point in being in the dark. It's a beautiful day out there."

   Hutch shook his head and reached for the pencil and notepad. Why couldn't Starsky have just gone home like I told him to? Since he wasn't able to reach it, Starsky leaned over, picked it up and handed it to him. Hutch gave a slight nod in thanks. He hoped that Starsky wouldn't take what he was about to say the wrong way. Hutch quickly finished and handed the note to Starsky.

   I told you to go home! I need to be alone for a while. Please don't be upset with me. I just need some time alone. There's no reason for you to sit here day and night anyway. Please. Starsky finished reading the note and turned toward the window, his back to Hutch. He felt so helpless. He wished he knew what he was supposed to do in this situation. Was it right for him to leave Hutch alone? He already felt at times that Hutch was withdrawing from him. He had made himself a promise that he wouldn't leave Hutch again. But what choice did he have? Sighing deeply, he turned back to face Hutch.

   "You sure that's what you want?" Starsky asked searching Hutch's face for any little sign of doubt. But Hutch only nodded, lowering his anguished blue eyes so he didn't have to look at Starsky. "Well, if that's what you want, I guess I don't have much of a choice do I, partner?" Starsky let out a long audible breath. "But only for a while." Starsky's voice was shakier than he would have liked. He didn't want Hutch to know how hard this was for him. How much it hurt.

   But Hutch did realize how difficult this was for his partner. He knew how hard it would have been for him if their places were reversed. But he knew he had to push Starsky away. He couldn't let Starsky settle into a life of taking care of him.

   It just wouldn't be fair.

   Starsky forced himself to the door. If Hutch wanted to be alone, he could be alone. But Starsky had no intention of leaving the hospital. He fully planned on being close if Hutch needed him. He would give Hutch a couple of hours, but that was it. He turned for one last look at his friend, but found that Hutch had turned away from him. Stomach clenched tight, Starsky silently went out the door.

PART TWO