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T6166@aol.com The Accident - Part Two byCheryl T
Tiring of his continued pacing, Starsky finally sat down in one of the chairs in the waiting room. Now he sat nervously tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair. What was taking so long? Hours had gone by since they had started running tests on Hutch, taking him here...taking him there. Please, God, let there be an end to all of this. Let it be good news. He was scared to death of how bad news would affect Hutch. The last few days, Hutch had been alternating between pushing Starsky away and then suddenly, desperately clinging to him.
Last night, as Hutch held him tightly, Starsky could feel the fear that filled Hutch's body. He was terrified of what his future held. Starsky couldn't blame him for that, he was terrified, too. This whole thing seemed like a nightmare. This morning the fear was still there, but Hutch withdrew and wouldn't reach out to Starsky. Starsky hated that anxious, scared look that was always present in Hutch's eyes. This morning, Starsky had wanted to reach out to Hutch, wanted to try and comfort him. Not just for Hutch, but for himself, too. One look at Hutch, though, and he had known that was not going to happen. What the hell is taking so long? Starsky was once again pacing. Feeling too confined in the small waiting room, he headed out to the corridor.
"Detective Starsky?" Starsky turned to see Nancy, one of Hutch's nurses, coming down the corridor behind him.
"Hi, Nancy, how's it going?" Starsky asked as he slowed his pacing so she could catch up.
"Things are good, Detective. I just wanted to let you know that Detective Hutchinson is back in his room. The doctor is still with him, but he shouldn't be much longer. I knew you'd be anxious to find out what the results of the tests were."
"Any chance you could give me any hints?" Starsky smiled at the young nurse.
"Sorry, I really don't know anything. We're all keeping our fingers crossed, though."
"Thanks." Starsky watched as the pretty young nurse made her way down the corridor.
Now that the time was near, Starsky didn't know if he was ready. Could anyone prepare for something like this? If what they had been fearing the most came true, what would he say to Hutch? What could you say to someone who had just gotten news that he'd never walk again?
Starsky watched as the doctor left Hutch's room. Starsky forced himself to move toward Hutch's door. His stomach was churning, his heart was pounding. He stood outside Hutch's door, struggling to get himself together. Trying his best to smile, he pushed open the door and went in.
One look at Hutch's face, and he knew all he needed to know. There was no need for Hutch to speak at all. "Hutch?" Starsky found himself struggling to breathe as he moved toward his partner. Reaching the bed, he pulled Hutch close and held him tightly. Hutch didn't pull away as Starsky had feared he might. Starsky sat stroking the fine blond hair. "It'll be okay." The words seemed so inadequate. They sat quietly, Starsky stroking the blond's hair, as they fought the fear and despair that wanted to engulf them both.
"Hutch." Starsky moved so that he could look into the face of his friend. Stark and vivid fear glittered in the blue tear-filled eyes that looked back at Starsky. Starsky picked up the notepad and pencil. "Tell me," Starsky whispered. He needed to know what the doctor had said-what, if any, hope they had.
Hutch's hand trembled as he took the pencil and paper from Starsky, tears now flowing down his face. Taking a tissue from the table, Starsky wiped the tears from Hutch's cheeks. Hutch held the pencil, but sat unmoving. "Tell me, Hutch." He nudged Hutch's hand.
Hutch's hand shook as he wrote. Frustration showed in his face. He scribbled a few more words, then the anger he felt took over and he flung the paper and pencil across the room. "Easy, buddy." Starsky rubbed Hutch's shoulder. When Hutch had calmed a bit, Starsky retrieved the pencil and paper from where they had landed across the room.
"What?" Starsky stared at the words on the paper. No medical reason for any of this. It's in my mind. Am I crazy?
Starsky looked up at Hutch, "No, you're not crazy. I'm gonna talk to your doctor." Starsky was confused, but at the same time he felt a glimmer of hope. No medical reason...that had to mean that Hutch would walk again. Didn't it?
Hutch pointed to the paper and pencil. Understanding that there was something more that Hutch wanted to say, Starsky gave him back the pencil and paper. Hutch quickly wrote five words and handed the paper to Starsky. I want to go home.
"I know you do, buddy. I'll talk to the doctor. In the meantime, I think you should get some rest." It had been a long day full of tests and disappointment, and the fatigue clearly showed on the face of the young detective.
Starsky helped Hutch get comfortable. "I promise while you're resting I'll talk to the doctor. We'll see about getting you out of here. Starsky had no doubts that if Hutch's mind was the key to getting him better, then the sooner they got him out of this cold, sterile environment the better. Starsky settled into his chair. He wouldn't leave until Hutch had drifted off. Then he was going to get some answers from that doctor.
*****
Starsky had waited, and when Hutch's breathing had evened out signaling that he was asleep, Starsky pulled the blankets up around his friend. Now he would find the doctor and demand some answers. It didn't make sense. There was no medical reason for Hutch to be unable to speak or walk. Hutch is in a terrible car accident, lucky to be alive, and they say there's no medical reason for his condition? And Hutch thinks he's crazy?
Looking at Hutch as he lay sleeping, Starsky couldn't help worrying about how his friend would deal with what was ahead. Funny, Starsky thought to himself, I always figured Hutch for the stronger of the two of us. Upon further reflection, Starsky realized that the times Hutch's strength had really shown itself was when Starsky himself had needed that strength. Good thing we have each other for the times we can't be strong for ourselves. "Sleep well, I'll be back soon," Starsky whispered.
Fifteen minutes later, he had tracked down Doctor Martin. The doctor hadn't been a bit surprised to see him. It hadn't taken him long to see the close relationship the two young detectives shared. He supposed that was important in their line of work.
"What can I do for you, Detective Starsky?" The doctor motioned Starsky to a chair across from his desk. Starsky ignored the chair and remained standing.
"You told Hutch there was no medical reason for what's wrong with him, right? Can you explain that to me?" Starsky began to pace the sun-filled office. "This just isn't right. Now he's starting to think he's crazy." Bringing his pacing to a halt, Starsky sank down into the chair. "He's not crazy, is he?"
"No, he's not crazy, nor is he doing this on purpose. Actually, your partner is trying very hard to move and to speak. Remember when I explained about anxiety hysteria? Well, that is what we're dealing with here. Something in his subconscious is keeping him from speaking and moving his legs. At this point your friend doesn't even know what it is. Is there something traumatic that happened in his past? Another accident, maybe something that might have happened when he was quite young? Something so painful that he's buried it deep inside of him?
"Nothing. I can't think of anything. If something traumatic happened when he was younger, I don't know about it. And to be totally honest with you, Doc, there's not much we don't know about each other. No secrets." Starsky sat slumped in the chair, his face clearly showing deep thought. Sighing loudly, Starsky stood back up. "I just can't think of a thing. Do you think it could be something involving our job? Maybe a case that really got to him?"
The doctor shook his head. "I wish I knew. There's just no way to know right now what's going on deep in his mind. Ken could simply start speaking and moving his legs at any time."
Meanwhile, what are you people here going to do for him? We just can't give up on him and leave him to sit silently in a wheelchair the rest of his life. You don't know him. That'll kill him!"
"We can start right away on hypnosis and psychotherapy."
"NO!" Starsky was immediately standing face-to-face with the doctor. No one is going to start messing with Hutch's mind. I know him; he won't go along with anything like that. He'll just withdraw more. I'm the only one he'll trust; I'm the only one who'll be able to get through to him."
"Detective Starsky, there is only so much we can do for him right now. But believe me, we have no intention of giving up on him. He'll get the best possible care." The doctor wished with all his heart that he could promise the young man before him that his partner would be like new in no time, but he couldn't. "We have to at least try hypnosis and psychotherapy. We have to give him every possible chance." Looking at the determined dark-haired man standing across from him, the doctor couldn't help thinking how his patient in some very important ways was a very lucky man. The friendship and devotion he was witnessing here was something very rare.
"When can he go home?" Starsky demanded. "I've got to get him out of here."
"Detective, I don't think you understand what kind of care is going to be required for your friend. Caring for him will be a full-time job. He needs trained professionals taking care of him." The doctor was beginning to realize that he was fighting a losing battle with this man.
"Doctor, I know you want what's best for Hutch, but you've got to understand, I know him. He's humiliated that pretty young women he would normally be asking out on dates are cleaning him up and seeing him in such a degraded state. He's lost everything...his pride...his legs...his manhood. Hell, he can't even communicate how he's feeling to anyone. If he stays here much longer, he's just going to give up. I can't sit back and watch him give up and do nothing." Starsky was trying very hard to keep his emotions under control, but he knew he was failing. This was too important. Every second that passed, Hutch was getting more depressed and withdrawn.
Realizing that he had indeed lost the battle, the doctor simply threw up his hands. "You win. But you've got a lot to learn before you leave here with him. You're going to have to learn to deal with things you can't even imagine."
"Don't you worry, Doc, I'm a fast learner. The sooner we get started the better." Starsky flashed the doctor a wide grin.
*****
Several hours and many phone calls later, Starsky felt satisfied that things were coming together. Getting Hutch out of this place was his top priority. Huggy had a lead on a nice little house near the beach. The rent was a little steep, but the place had no stairs to speak of. Being near the beach was an added plus, he knew Hutch would like. His talk with Dobey had gone well. Dobey had immediately put in the paperwork for Starsky's indefinite leave of absence. And Dobey and Edith had both volunteered to help any way they could with Hutch's care. Starsky had his doubts as to how that would go over with the patient. Hutch didn't like being fussed over or taken care of. Starsky had figured out long ago that Hutch was better at being the caretaker. But whether Hutch liked it or not, Starsky planned on taking real good care of his partner. Hutch was going to walk again even if it meant Starsky had to take a firm hand with him. Something was buried deep in Hutch, something that hurt so bad...maybe something Hutch felt he needed to be punished for? Whatever it was, Starsky had to pull it out of Hutch. Not right away, but soon.
As soon as Hutch woke up, Starsky would give him the news that soon he'd be able to leave the hospital. He wasn't sure how Hutch was going to react to him helping the nurses take care of him. The doctor wanted him to work with the nurses so he would be prepared to take over the job of caring for Hutch. Of course Hutch was going to have his work cut out for him, too. He would have to learn to do some things for himself. He would have to learn how to get himself from the bed to the wheelchair. That shouldn't be too hard. The bigger issues would be for Hutch to learn how to deal with bowel control and how to catheterize himself. Starsky had a feeling these issues were only some of many hurdles to come. Dealing with the Hutchinson/Starsky battle of wills was always a challenge.
Watching his partner sleep, Starsky realized he could use a little nap himself. Settling on the bed the hospital had generously furnished for him, Starsky chuckled silently, thinking about how Dobey probably hadn't given the staff much choice in the matter. Thanks to their captain, Starsky pretty much came and went as he wanted. Not that he went too far. But it was kind of nice not to be getting thrown out by some strong-armed nurse when visiting hours were over. Hutch didn't really show it, but Starsky had to believe that Hutch was grateful, too.
Hutch opened his eyes. Realizing Starsky was not in his usual spot in his chair next to the bed took him by surprise for a second, and if he were to be honest it kind of scared him. Despite the fact that at times he tried pushing Starsky away, deep down he knew if he ever succeeded he'd be lost. It would all be over for him. So why do I do it? Because I'm scared, and I do stupid shit when I'm scared. And because deep down I know that he knows I really don't want to push him away. Hutch's eyes scanned the room and found his partner sleeping peacefully in the next bed. Knowing Starsky was there in the room with him, Hutch felt a sense of security come over him. His eyes slowly closed and he drifted back into a light sleep.
A loud female voice jarred Starsky from his peaceful, much needed slumber. Looking quickly over to his partner, Starsky found Hutch cringing back against the pillows, looking highly irritated. At the foot of Hutch's bed stood a young nurse's aide, who seemed to think the note on the patient chart that read 'patient unable to speak' meant she should speak loudly to the patient. Starsky found that this highly irritated him, too. "Hey, quiet down a little. Have a little respect. He's not deaf. You can speak in a normal tone to him." Starsky launched himself from the bed and brushed past the flustered and much embarrassed young lady. "It's okay, buddy." Starsky sat on the edge of the bed and smiled at this friend. The embarrassed nurse's aide quietly made her way to the door, breathing a sigh of relief as the door closed behind her. Hutch gratefully lay his head against the offered shoulder. His shattered sense of security was once again wrapping itself around him. Just being close to Starsky seemed to make everything better.
"Hey, I've got some news for you. If you behave yourself and we both pay close attention to the things we need to learn about your care, you'll soon be out of here." Starsky watched Hutch's face carefully trying to gauge his partner's feelings. Hutch's face revealed nothing, but he gave Starsky a slight nod.
*****
The next morning, Starsky and Mary, one of the nurses from the nightshift, headed to the cafeteria for some coffee and a crash course on taking care of Starsky's paralyzed partner. Starsky had liked Mary from the first night he had met her. She was older than most of the nurses caring for Hutch. She was always cheerful, and never once did she talk down to Hutch. And most importantly to Starsky, she never discussed Hutch as if he were not in the room. Hutch even seemed to like her and relaxed more when she was around.
Starsky refused to be daunted by the ongoing list of things Mary rattled off. The obvious things he already knew about: turning and positioning Hutch in bed to prevent pressure sores, motion exercise to help maintain muscle tone. But there were other things Mary had brought up that he knew they would both find embarrassing at first. They would both just have to deal with it.
"Dave, I think what you're doing is just wonderful. He must mean an awful lot to you." Mary stirred her second cup of coffee with a sad look on her face. "You know, I've had some patients like Ken that ended up all alone. No one could be bothered with them."
"I promise you Hutch will never be alone. We've never let each other down. No matter what, we've always been there for each other. I can't count the times that Hutch has nursed me back to health from one thing or another. Guess you could say we mean a lot to each other. Starsky smiled at the nurse sitting across from him. "Of course we've had our share of disagreements, but nothing major."
"You know, you and Ken have a long, rough road ahead of you. It's not going to be easy, Dave. I've got to warn you, there'll probably be days when the two of you will actually hate each other. That's why so many patients like Ken end up alone. It's just not easy. Try to imagine what it's like for Ken. He has so many changes to deal with. Be patient, Dave." Mary patted his hand. "Something tells me you two will survive this."
"You've worked with a lot of patients like Hutch. What do you think his chances are of walking again?" Starsky fidgeted nervously with his coffee cup.
"Dave, with there being no medical reason, it's kind of hard to say. But with you and Ken working together to find out what it is that's keeping him from walking, he's got a good chance. But like I said, it won't be easy. I've got a lot of material here that you and Ken both need to read. Starting tonight, Ken will have a new nurse. I'll be taking over on days so that I can work with the two of you. So, I guess that's it for now, Dave. We'll get started in the morning."
"Thanks, Mary. I'm glad you'll be working with us. I'll start reading this material right away, and I'll make sure Hutch reads it, too." Starsky stood and picked up the stack of books. "Thanks again."
"Good morning, Sunshine!" Starsky found Hutch picking at his breakfast tray when he arrived back at the room. Hutch looked questioningly at his partner as if to ask 'why the good mood?' Starsky laughed, "You're wondering why I'm in such a great mood this morning, right?" Hutch nodded. "Because it won't be long, buddy, and we'll be leaving this place. What do you think of that? Now quit picking at your food and eat." Hutch's answer to that was to shove the tray away. "At least drink your juice," Starsky said, pushing the tray back, his arms still full of books. "If you don't start eating this healthy food, I'll have to start force-feeding you some good ole' junk food. How about tacos and some candy bars?"
Hutch shook his head in wonderment. Starsky was gearing up for something. Holding up the books, Starsky announced, "We have some homework to do. Start reading, buddy. Tomorrow we start working together on what it's going to take to get you out of here." Starsky placed a few of the books on Hutch's lap, the rest he stacked on the bedside table. "That nice night nurse, Mary, she's gonna be working with us starting in the morning." Starsky took his seat next to the bed and reached for a book. Hutch still sat quietly with the books in his lap. "You do want to get outta here, right?" Starsky asked as he flipped open his book. "Hutch?" Finally, the blond nodded his head. Starsky smiled, "Then get reading."
Twenty minutes or so had passed when Starsky's train of thought was interrupted when the book Hutch had been reading flew across the room and landed loudly against the wall. That book was quickly followed one-by-one by the others that Starsky had placed on the bed. "I take it you're done reading?" Starsky said, as he looked over at his partner. "Hutch?" Hutch's face had gone pale and tears slid quietly down his cheeks. "Hutch, I know it's not very pleasant reading, but we've got to face these things." Starsky had moved and was now sitting on the edge of the bed. Taking Hutch's hand in his, he said, "Some of that stuff's kind of gross, huh?"
Hutch opened one eye and looked at his dark-haired partner with an expression that clearly said gross was an understatement. Only Starsky would describe what was in those books as gross. Hutch couldn't hold back a small grin.
"Yes, I said gross," Starsky replied to that one-eyed look he'd received from Hutch. Starsky returned the grin. "Hey, you did say you wanted to get out of here, so maybe we should talk about some of the gross stuff. I mean...it's not...well it's not like we haven't...well, you know." Starsky was now stammering in embarrassment. "What I'm trying to say is, well, we've seen each other's bare parts before."
Hutch reached for the notebook and paper. With a slight smile on his face, he wrote his reply to Starsky. Gross? Bare parts? Your vocabulary as always never ceases to amaze me.
"Very funny!" Starsky said with a wounded tone, but was soon laughing. And it felt really good. "But seriously, Hutch, we do need to discuss a few things. What I need to know is if you want me involved in...the gross part of caring for you, or if you would rather have a nurse? Which would you be more comfortable with? I know you don't like it when the nurses have to..."
Hutch looked up at his friend with a large grin on his face and handed him another note. Glad to see someone else feeling embarrassed for a change. I know we've seen each other's bare parts before and we've taken care of each other, but are we ready for something like this?
"I am if you are. It's your call. I just want what's best for you." Starsky rubbed Hutch's arm encouragingly. "Well, you think about it. You might be done reading, but I'm not." Starsky got up to move back to his chair, but stopped when he realized that Hutch was pointing at the books he had scattered across the floor. "You're not going to throw them again are you?"
Hutch grinned and shook his head. Starsky retrieved the books and they both settled back to read, each one occasionally sneaking peeks at the other from the corners of their eyes. After a while, Starsky noticed Hutch nodding off. Reaching over, he placed Hutch's books on the table. Hutch stirred, gave Starsky a small grin, and handed him a note that read: You and gross go so well together. No nurse. Before Starsky could think of a comeback his partner was fast asleep.
*****
Hutch tossed and turned, his thoughts on his partner. Was it fair to expect Starsky to get so involved in his care? He worried that Starsky would devote so much to his crippled partner that his own life would be pushed to the side. It just wasn't fair.
Sounds of Starsky moving around on the other side of the room alerted Hutch that his partner was also restless. He could tell that Starsky was out of bed and quietly pacing. Listening to Starsky's pacing, Hutch felt so helpless. It was not a good sign when Starsky started pacing. Something was nagging at him. Then abruptly the pacing stopped. Hutch strained to hear what Starsky was doing now. At the sounds of Starsky's ragged breathing, Hutch knew Starsky was crying. He wanted so much to tell his friend that everything was going to be okay. The words flowed through his mind--all the things he wanted to say to his best friend. "Starsk...it'll be okay. I promise I'll work real hard. Together I know we can do this. Starsky don't cry." The words kept repeating themselves over and over in his mind. He couldn't stand hearing Starsky in such pain and not be able to comfort him.
Hutch didn't even realize his words were audible, until he heard Starsky gasp, "Hutch...Hutch...you're talking!" He then immediately found himself wrapped tightly in Starsky's arms. They both sobbed with relief, the sobbing quickly turning into laughter.
"Starsk...I really did it!" Hutch pulled out of Starsky's grasp to gaze up into the blue tear-filled eyes of his partner. "I'm really sorry about all this." Hutch shook, filled with so much pent-up emotion. "So sorry."
"God, it's good to hear your voice, babe. And you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing!" Starsky knew there were no words to express how happy he felt when he heard Hutch speaking. "One down, one to go. I know without a doubt that you're gonna be walking in no time."
"I hope so, Starsk. But I've been thinking, maybe it would be better if I had a nurse when I left here. I can't ask you to...well to take care of me. It's just too much to ask of anyone."
"I don't recall you asking me. As a matter of fact I was always under the impression we didn't have to ask, we just did it. That's just the kind of friendship we have. So okay, we'll be a little embarrassed at first. We'll get over it and move on. The important thing is to remember we have a goal: getting you back on your feet. Should we really be worrying about being embarrassed? I don 't think so!" Starsky found himself once again pulling Hutch tightly to him. "We agree on this, right?" Starsky rubbed Hutch's shoulders as he waited for a reply.
"Yeah, we agree. You'll be my new nurse. May even open up a whole new career for you." Hutch grinned at his partner. "You better brush up on your bedside manner."
"Just what do you mean by that remark? I'll have you know I've never had any complaints about my bedside manner."
"I'll be the judge of that, starting tomorrow."
"Speaking of tomorrow, we better get some sleep." Starsky said as he tousled the fine blond strands of hair on his partner's head. "Can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Good. Now just go to sleep. No worrying! Tomorrow will be a piece of cake. It will be clear sailing after that and we'll be out of here before you know it." Starsky's spirits were high.
"Good night, Starsk."
"Good night, blintz."
The room was soon silent, and the two friends slept peacefully for the first time in long time.
*****
"Good morning, Ken. Good morning, David." Mary came through the doorway pushing a wheelchair. "Today, young man, you are going to get out of that bed. We've got lots of work to do. Your friend thinks it's time we got you ready to leave this hospital. First things first, though, let's get you cleaned up and ready to start your day." Mary kept up an endless line of chatter. Always taking time to give Hutch an encouraging smile.
"Well, then, Mary, let's get started." Hutch flashed the nurse one of his brightest smiles.
Mary's face lit up with an equally bright smile as she heard her patient speak for the first time. "Oh, Ken, this is wonderful." Looking at Starsky with his face glowing, she felt very happy for the two. Happy and confident they would come through the ordeal that lay ahead. "Time to get to work, guys."
Mary bustled about, gathering supplies for Hutch's bath. Returning with a warm basin of water, she instructed Starsky to wash his hands so they could get started. Starsky quickly washed his shaking hands.
"Okay, Ken, you know the routine by now, but your friend is going to need our help this morning." Seeing a touch of apprehension in her patient's eyes, she patted his arm. "I promise I'll keep a close eye on your friend. Make sure he doesn't drown you."
"Thanks, Mary," Hutch whispered, wishing he were anywhere else but where he was. Hutch watched and listened as Mary explained the routine to Starsky. Mary then began the process of bathing her patient, putting Starsky in charge of drying him off. Finishing with the upper half of Hutch's body, Mary covered his chest with a clean, dry towel and then removed the sheet.
Hutch was beginning to feel like maybe he had been too quick to agree to Starsky being in charge of his care rather than a nurse. Damn it! This was going to be way too embarrassing. He broke out in a cold sweat. He closed his eyes and tried to control the feeling of nausea that seemed to claim control of his body.
Starsky could tell from his friend's pale face that things were beginning to get uncomfortable for him. "You okay?" Starsky leaned closer to his friend. "Relax, babe, remember it's just me. I'm not seeing anything I haven't seen in the locker room." Starsky tried to keep his tone light. He knew that there was a big difference in seeing Hutch in the locker room and what was going on now, but he just wanted in some small way to comfort his friend.
"Other than feeling a little sick, I'm just fine, partner." Hutch tried his best to put a smile on his embarrassed face. "You're doing just fine, Starsky. Don't worry about me." Somehow while trying to reassure his friend he found himself relaxing a little.
An hour later, clean, shaved and hair neatly combed, Hutch felt relieved that they had survived their first day with Starsky as his nurse. He didn't know which one of them had been more embarrassed when Mary had launched into her lesson and presentation of the proper way to catheterize the patient. At one point Hutch thought he was really going to be sick to his stomach. But when his eyes connected with Starsky's blue, horrified-filled eyes, he couldn't help but laugh when his partner mouthed the word "gross". Once the tension had been broken, Starsky continued with his wise cracks, "Hutch, I promise I'll still respect you in the morning." Somehow they had both made it through some of the most embarrassing moments of their partnership.
"So how's my bedside manner?" Starsky asked as the two sat finishing up breakfast--a breakfast which Starsky was pleased to see that Hutch had actually managed to eat most of.
"Not bad, Starsky, not bad. But you're really going to have to do something about your cold hands."
"I'll see what I can do about that," Starsky laughed. He was just so relieved that day one was over. It had to get easier. "Hey, don't forget, Mary will be back later to get you out of that bed."
"Yeah, but just think of what we have to look forward to tomorrow," Hutch said as he tossed aside his napkin.
"What's that?" Starsky asked as he gathered up the breakfast trays.
"Potty Training 101 starts tomorrow." Hutch's voice held just a bit of bitterness, but he was trying to make the best of what had to be done.
"Hutch, your sense of humor gets worse all the time. But seriously, buddy, I've had to teach you practically everything else since becoming your partner, I guess I can handle this, too."
*****
Starsky bounded up the stairs to Hutch's apartment. It felt good to finally be out of the hospital. Hutch would be leaving in a few days and taking up residence in their new home. Starsky was hoping to be able to afford to keep both Hutch's apartment and his own until they were ready to return to them. The added expense of the little house Huggy had found for them was bound to be a huge strain on their budgets. But neither of their apartments would have been suitable for Hutch while he remained in a wheelchair, which Starsky was determined would not be for long.
Once inside the apartment, Starsky grabbed a suitcase from Hutch's closet and began filling it with Hutch's clothing. That job finished, he looked around to see what else Hutch might need. Seeing Hutch's guitar sitting forlornly in the corner, he knew that was something Hutch would be happy to see.
After taking the clothing and guitar down to his car, he wandered around Hutch's apartment. It was strange being there without Hutch. The apartment felt empty and cold. Huggy had been by and picked up Hutch's mail and watered his plants. His plants! The plants would add a nice touch to their new home. Starsky made several trips to the car carefully carrying Hutch's prized plants. Everywhere Starsky looked, his eyes seemed to connect with more and more items that he was sure would make Hutch feel at home. By the time Starsky left Hutch's, his car couldn't have held one more thing.
Starsky spent the next couple of hours busily getting Hutch's room ready for him. He had given Hutch the room that faced the beach. Hutch loved the sand and water. Heck, Hutch just loved being outdoors. Hutch's room had a small table near the window that could double as a desk. Starsky had measured and the wheelchair would work perfectly with the table. He had also measured all the doorways. He was taking no chances on anything being wrong. Looking around the bedroom, Starsky mentally checked off the list he had made. The hospital bed would be delivered tomorrow. They would be bringing the wheelchair home with them. And Mary had said she would take care of all the miscellaneous items they would be needing. Some of the gross things, Starsky thought as he laughed to himself.
Starsky left Hutch's new room, and after checking out the house once more, ended up outside. The late afternoon sun felt good on his face. Thinking of Hutch still back at the hospital, Starsky felt a slight tinge of guilt. But Hutch had insisted that there was no need for Starsky to sleep at the hospital these last couple of nights. He knew Hutch just wanted to give him a bit of a break. He had to admit that he was grateful for the time alone, plus he wanted to make sure everything was perfect for Hutch's homecoming. He had assured both Mary and Hutch that he would be there first thing in the morning to assist with Hutch's care. Mary was fast becoming a good friend to both of them. She had volunteered to come out to the house and lend them a hand getting Hutch settled in. Starsky could tell that she had a genuine affection for Hutch, and she really wanted to make sure that he was getting the best care.
The lure of the sun and sand became too much for Starsky, and he sank down onto the beach to relax for a bit. He still had plenty of time to pack up the things he wanted from his place. He would sleep there tonight, and after spending the morning with Hutch, would come back to the house and get his belongings settled into their new home.
Thinking back to the events of the last few days, Starsky's thoughts kept returning to the first time they had gotten Hutch out of bed and into a wheelchair. Mary, with Starsky's help, had gotten Hutch up and into a sitting position. After giving Hutch a few minutes to adjust to the new position, they had then maneuvered him so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Starsky had kept a firm hold on his partner. Starsky, looking into Hutch's eyes, could read the distress there. Feeling a sudden rush of sympathy, Starsky tried to massage a bit of the tension from Hutch's taut shoulders. "It's gonna be okay, Hutch. Promise ya, buddy, I won't let you fall."
Hutch's blue eyes looking up at him had glowed with such complete and utter trust it had nearly broken Starsky's heart. He had tightened his hold on Hutch as if to reassure him his trust had not been misplaced. After a few minutes, Mary, with Starsky's help, had slowly eased Hutch to his feet. Starsky kept his arm around Hutch's waist and his eyes on his face. Then he watched in horror as the blood seemed to drain completely from Hutch's face, and his body went limp. It took the strength of both Mary and Starsky to get Hutch back onto the bed. Mary, seeing Starsky looking almost as pale as the blond, quickly explained that Hutch had only passed out. "Dave, Hutch hasn't been in an upright position in some time. When we got him on his feet, his blood pressure dropped, that's why he fainted."
"So, he's okay?" Starsky pulled the chair he sat in closer to the bed. Hutch fainting like that had really rattled the dark-haired partner.
"He's just fine, Dave." As if to prove that fact, the blond's eyes fluttered and then slowly opened. He looked around the room, confusion evident in his pale face.
"Welcome back, partner." Hutch looked up to see Starsky's relieved face grinning down at him.
"What happened? You didn't drop me, did you?"
"Thought about it, but didn't have to. You did it all on your own." Starsky smiled as he ruffled the blond's hair.
Mary laughed as the two young detectives joked back and forth. "You rest a few minutes and then we'll give it another try. And you," pointing her finger at Starsky, "don't drop him this time. I'll be back in just a few minutes, you two behave yourselves." Mary was still laughing as she shut the door behind her.
The next attempt was successful. Hutch was finally settled into the wheelchair. Watching Hutch, Starsky could tell that being seated in that wheelchair was tough on him. Like it had suddenly all become so real...no denying it now. After a few minutes, Hutch said, "I'd like to get back into bed now."
"Not so fast, Ken. You can't spend your whole life in bed. You're going to have to get used to being in the wheelchair," Mary replied, using her firmest tone. Hutch looked like he would have liked to argue the point. Starsky smiled, thinking about how Hutch had balked later when Mary had started explaining the details of what Hutch referred to as his potty training. He had out and out flatly refused to participate. Mary had quickly let Hutch know who the boss was. Just another reason Starsky was becoming so fond of Mary--she knew just when to take a firm stand with Hutch.
Starsky knew he'd have to be firm with Hutch, too. He still didn't have a clue as how he was going to get whatever Hutch had buried so deep out into the open so they could deal with it. He'd have to take it slow and easy. It wasn't always easy for Hutch to open up.
The sun was sinking lower and Starsky's stomach was telling him it was time for dinner. Checking his watch, Starsky confirmed that he had been lost in thought for quite a while. Time to get back to work.
*****
Hutch had pretty much spent the day quietly alone in his room. Starsky had stuck his head in the door several times attempting to start some conversation, but had struck out each time. Beginning to worry, Starsky entered Hutch's room to find him staring blankly out the window. The book Hutch had been reading earlier had slid to the floor unnoticed. "You okay?" "Hutch?"
"What?" The blond jumped in surprise, not realizing that his friend had entered the room. "Sorry, what did you say?"
"I said are you okay?" Starsky reached down and picked up the book, placing it on the table next to Hutch. "You've been kind of quiet all day. What's wrong?"
"Guess I'm just kind of tired. Don't worry so much." Hutch reached for the book and, ignoring his friend, went back to his reading.
Starsky tried to tell himself that Hutch was just tired. Coming home from the hospital yesterday and then the company they had had last night had probably tired him out. Starsky wished now that he had told the Dobeys and Huggy to hold off coming by for a day or two, but everyone had been so excited about Hutch's homecoming he hadn't wanted to disappoint them. Hutch had seemed okay this morning. After breakfast, they had worked on the motion exercises that Mary had instructed them to do four times a day to maintain the muscle tone in Hutch's legs. And without even being reminded, Hutch had worked on strengthening his arms. Thinking of all that had gone on in the last 24 hours Starsky decided that that must be it, Hutch was just tired. "Want me to help you into bed?"
"No, I'll manage when I'm ready." Hutch's tone clearly indicated that he wanted to be left alone.
"Well, just let me know if there's anything you need. I'll be in the kitchen." Starsky did his best to keep his tone light and cheerful. With one last look at his partner, he turned and left the room.
As Starsky left the room, Hutch wiped at the tears that had started to slowly slide down his face. He wanted so much to believe that he would walk again. But somehow Hutch had never taken as much comfort in the fact that his condition was not physical as Starsky had. I want to walk...this makes no sense... He had searched his mind, trying to think of something, anything, that could be the cause. If he couldn't come up with anything, how could he ever expect to walk again?
Starsky sat staring at the phone. Three weeks had gone by and no change in Hutch. No change except that Hutch seemed to be giving up. Not that he didn't do everything he was supposed to do, but he was just going through the motions. He was withdrawing more and more. He spoke when spoken to and that was about it. He no longer had much interest in being out on the beach. Taking a deep breath, Starsky reached for the phone. He needed to have a long conversation with Hutch's parents. Hutch refused to let his parents come and visit. He had assured his parents he would be fine and there was nothing they could do for him. But Starsky was not so sure there was nothing they could do. Starsky nervously tapped his fingers on the table as he listened to the phone ring. Damn it! No answer.
Determined to get some answers one way or another, Starsky quietly peeked in on Hutch. Satisfied that Hutch was sound asleep, Starsky pulled the bedroom door halfway shut and returned to the phone. If he assumed that whatever had happened to Hutch in the past involved an accident, he would also have to assume it had happened when Hutch was young and still at home. It was a place to start. A quick call was made to Captain Dobey. Dobey promised to put in a call to the Duluth Police Department and would get back to Starsky as soon as possible.
Starsky was just starting breakfast the next morning when the phone rang. He grabbed it on the first ring hoping it was Dobey, but it was only Huggy. "Hey, Starsk. Just thought I would check in and see how my two favorite detectives are doing."
Although a bit disappointed that it was not Dobey on the other end of the line, Starsky was happy to hear Huggy's voice. "Hey, what's up? You're up kind of early."
"Well, some days one just has to get moving early. Thought since I would be out and about that I'd check and see if the two of you needed anything?"
"Thanks, Hug, but I was thinking that maybe Hutch and I would get out and about ourselves today. I think we both could use a change of scenery." Starsky finished setting the table for breakfast as he continued his conversation with Huggy. "Stop by later if you have time. We could use the company."
"I'll see what I can do," Huggy promised as he hung up the phone.
With only a little resistance from Hutch on the planned outing, it didn't take Starsky long to get Hutch settled in the Torino and the wheelchair stowed in the trunk. "Any place you'd like to go?" Starsky asked as they pulled away.
"No. I thought we were just going to get some groceries?" Hutch replied with very little enthusiasm.
Starsky looked over at his partner who was just staring out the window straight ahead. "I thought maybe there might be someplace you'd like to go. You must be getting kind of tired of sitting around at the house."
"Starsk, what difference does it make where I sit? Am I getting tired of sitting...? Yes! But I might as well get used to it."
"With that kind of attitude, yeah, I guess you'd better get used to sitting." Starsky's voice shook with anger, but he struggled to keep it under control. Now was not the time to get into anything heavy. Not another word was spoken during the drive to the grocery store.
Once at the grocery store, Starsky got the wheelchair out of the trunk and brought it around to the passenger side of the car. He reached to open the door, but Hutch beat him to it. "I can do this myself."
"Fine." Starsky stepped back from the car and watched as Hutch struggled to get himself into the wheelchair. The temptation to help was almost more than Starsky could stand, but Hutch had made his feelings clear.
Face pale and glistening with sweat, an exhausted Hutch was finally seated in the wheelchair.
"You're one stubborn son of a..." Starsky muttered under his breath, as they made their way into the store.
The shopping completed, Starsky decided on a long, scenic drive home. It looked like the ride home would be as silent as the ride there had been. He had hoped that maybe the change of scenery would be good for Hutch, maybe put him in a better mood.
"Starsk?" Hutch's voice was low and filled with sadness.
"Yeah." Starsky turned, briefly looking in Hutch's direction. The brief glance showed him a very defeated and sad man sitting next to him.
"I'm sorry...I don't mean to be...such a bastard. Really...I don't."
"I know. Feel like talking?" Starsky knew that unless Hutch started to open up to him, they'd never uncover whatever it was that was keeping him from walking.
"I don't know..."
Starsky turned off the road and pulled over. "What are you doing?" Hutch looked over at Starsky, wondering what he was up to now.
"Thought maybe we could talk now. Nice view here and it's quiet. And this talk is way overdue." Starsky turned off the engine and turned in his seat to face Hutch. "Why don't we start with what's turned you into such a bastard the last few weeks?"
Sighing deeply, Hutch leaned his head back against the seat. He was silent for a few moments, then replied, "Fear, buddy, total fear. You don't want to hear this, but I don't believe that I'll walk again." Hutch closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look on Starsky's face. "The thought of never walking again...scares the hell out me. But what scares me even more is that I'm supposed to know what's preventing me from walking. I've racked my brain, Starsk, but I can't come up with the answer." Hutch's voice shook, but he continued on. "I think I could handle not walking again because of something physical, but this...I don't know what to think."
For the first time, Starsky began to worry that maybe he had made a mistake in thinking he was the one who could help Hutch. "Hutch, maybe the doctor was right about hypnosis and psychotherapy being the answer." The words rushed out of Starsky's mouth. Afraid of what Hutch's reaction might be.
"No! I'm not ready for that, at least not yet. Starsk, I'm kind of tired, could we continue this later?" Hutch asked in a voice that was really showing the fatigue he was feeling.
"Sure, it's been a long day. We can talk later after you've rested." Starsky started the car and headed for home. He couldn't shake the idea that somehow he had made a mistake and that he should have listened to the doctor.
Once home, Starsky helped Hutch get settled in bed for a short nap before dinner. He had just finished putting the groceries away when he heard someone at the door. Starsky quickly made his way to the door, not wanting Hutch to be disturbed by the knocking. Outside stood a uniformed officer. "Detective Starsky?"
"That's me. What can I do for you?"
"Captain Dobey asked me to make sure that you got this." The officer held out a large brown envelope. "He said he thought this might be exactly what you were looking for."
"Thanks...good-bye." Starsky stared at the envelope in his hand. Could the answer really be in here? Ripping open the envelope, Starsky found a copy of a newspaper article along with a copy of a police report. The article was from a Duluth paper and was dated September 28, 1960. The headline read: TWO TEENAGERS KILLED IN CRASH. ONE PARALYZED. Starsky quickly skimmed the article. "Kenneth Hutchinson, age 17, was the lucky one of the group. Hutchinson suffered minor injuries, a broken arm, and several broken ribs, in addition to minor cuts and bruises." Skimming the rest of the article, Starsky noted the names and ages of the other boys, and the fact that they were all high school friends. Starsky also noted with relief, that the driver of the car was the young man who had been paralyzed. Moving to the police report, Starsky found that the young driver of the car had apparently run a stop sign and been hit by a truck. Starsky sank into a chair, still trying to absorb what he had just read. Guilt, it was guilt pure and simple. Hutch felt guilty because he survived, while two of his friends had died and one had been paralyzed. Now what do I do? He's blocked this out for so long. How do I bring it up now?