Hutchshoney

(Timeline -- after "The Fix", before "Shootout")

   Starsky came roaring up to Hutch’s canal side cottage in his bright red Torino. In the glow of the streetlight, he could see his blond partner pacing back and forth, like a caged animal.

   "Uh oh," he said to himself as he brought the car to a screeching halt.

   Hutch heard the car approach and walked over to the passenger side.

   "Hey, Hutch."

   Hutch got in and slammed the door. "Starsk," Hutch said with an edge to his voice.

   "It’s only 11:40, plenty of time to get to the docks. We won’t be late," Starsky said, trying to placate his angry partner.

   "What?" came the distracted reply, "Oh, I wasn’t worried about that."

   "What’s wrong?" Starsky asked as he put the car in gear and backed out to the street.

   "I’m just tired," Hutch said with a sigh. "I’m not getting along with my new neighbor."

   They stopped for a red light near a brightly-lit service station, and Starsky got a good look at his partner. There were dark circles under Hutch’s eyes, and his skin looked even paler than usual. He had a haunted look about him. Of course he looks awful, after Forest’s men abducting him and addicting him to heroin. That’s something you just don’t get over in a few weeks.

   "You look terrible, Hutch, did you get any sleep today?"

   Hutch stretched and rubbed his eyes. "No, it was too noisy. This neighbor, he’s got a teenaged son. The old man works the nightshift. He comes home in the morning, puts in earplugs and goes to bed, and then his kid plays ear-splitting music all day. I think it’s Led Zeppelin played backwards at 78 rpm. He probably uses it for background music for performing whatever satanic rituals he’s into. I went over and asked him to turn it down. He flipped me off, went back in the house and cranked it up louder."

   The light changed and they continued on their way.

   Starsky shook his head, "Tsk, tsk, tsk, these kids today. No respect for the elderly."

   Hutch glared at him, "That’s ‘no respect for their elders’. "

   Then Starsky got serious, "Are you sure you’re up for this stakeout tonight? You could call in sick…"

   "No, Starsk. It’s a stupid assignment, but I’m not leaving you without backup."

   "Okay, Hutch, it’s your call."

   Hutch said, "You know I’m getting awfully sick of Captain Lawson and his grandstanding. Maybe we’ll be lucky, make a big bust and Lawson will get promoted and transfer out of our district."

   Starsky shook his head in disgust, "Lawson. What a piece of work. I can’t stand him. He struts around like a … like a big, fat turkey!"

   Then Starsky started gobbling like a turkey, making Hutch laugh. Starsky’s joking lightened the mood, and Hutch felt much better.

   As the Torino entered the shipyards, Starsky said, "Oh, by the way, your car isn’t running."

   "It isn’t?"

   "Yeah, I went to the station to pick up Lawson’s "Stakeout 101" manual and our new radios. When I got back to the parking lot, there was a note on my car sayin’ I couldn’t bring it tonight because it was ‘too conspicuous’ ".

   "We use your car all the time on stakeouts. It’s just another of Lawson’s power trips," Hutch said.

   "Right. Well there’s no way I’m leavin’ my car at home." Then he said with a laugh, "Anyway I figured it wouldn’t be hard convincing people that your rustbucket wouldn’t start."

   "Cute, Starsk. Where’s that stakeout manual that you mentioned?"

   Starsky parked the car and handed Hutch a thick binder with over 100 pages in it.

   Hutch read the title aloud, " ‘Official Stakeout Procedure’. Is this for real? ‘Chapter One, Concealment, proper attire. One must blend in with the natural environment.’ Does he expect us to dress like trees?"

   Starsky laughed, "Just wait, it gets better."

   " ‘Chapter Two’," Hutch read, " ‘Surveillance. It is important not to be observed by the subject under surveillance.’ " Hutch rolled his eyes, "If this wasn’t so stupid, it would be funny."

   "It goes on and on like that," Starsky said, "Apparently Lawson has never heard of the ‘Reader’s Digest’ version."

   Hutch slapped the book shut. "Well, it’s thick enough. Maybe we could burn it for heat?"

   Starsky laughed, "We’d better get in there."

   *******

   The meeting place was a large warehouse. Starsky and Hutch walked in and were amazed at the number of police officers standing around.

   Hutch gave a low whistle, "This thing must be big, it looks like half of the force is here."

   Starsky complained, "There’s so many of our guys here, someone is liable to get hit in the crossfire if something goes wrong. I hear that Lawson even called Dobey in on this."

   "Dobey on an all night stakeout? He’ll miss his beauty sleep."

   Starsky snorted, "He can’t afford that."

   They walked further back. Starsky stopped dead in his tracks. Hutch didn’t notice and bumped into his partner. Starsky openly stared at Lawson, who was dressed in black pants, a black turtleneck, black boots, black gloves and a black cap. The look was completed with the liberal use of black face paint.

   Hutch looked at Starsky and elbowed him in the ribs. "Careful," he warned, "one laugh and he’ll have us downtown writing parking tickets."

   Starsky whispered, "What does he think he is, a freakin’ Navy SEAL?"

   Hutch grinned, trying not to laugh out loud, "You’ve got to admit he does have a flair for the dramatic."

   Captain Dobey came up to them. "’Evening, Starsky, Hutch. I want you two to be on your best behavior."

   Both detectives nodded.

   Captain Lawson spoke, "If everyone will gather around, please."

   The room fell silent, and the police officers formed a semi-circle around the Captain. He was standing at a round table with charts and maps laid out on it. Behind him was a bulletin board with a sheet covering it.

   "We received a tip. At precisely zero two hundred hours, a moving van will arrive on Pier 31. The truck will be carrying stolen weapons – cases of handguns, high-powered rifles, and night scopes. We believe that the merchandise is from the TNT Gunworks factory robbery. A buy will be made, and the guns will be loaded onto the ship, the Juarez. I want you all working in teams. Some of you will be watching the pier, some of you will be watching the ship."

   He turned to the bulletin board and removed the sheet that had been covering it. A large map of Pier 31 and the buildings surrounding it was revealed. On the map were pushpins in various colors, with colored string wound around the pins.

   "You’ll be working in pairs on this. Each pair will be assigned a code name and a quadrant to patrol. Divide your quadrant in half, and each person takes half." Captain Lawson handed a stack of folders to an officer nearby. "If you’ll distribute these, please." Then he continued addressing the group. "In these dossiers you will find your code name, your quadrant name and your quadrant color. Each color corresponds with the color of pushpins on the map. The strings that encircle the pushpins indicate your area…"

   Starsky leaned over and whispered to Hutch, "What the hell is he talking about?"

   Hutch whispered back, "Zone defense".

   "Oh," Starsky said, catching on.

   The officers around Starsky and Hutch murmured that Hutch cleared things up for them as well.

   "What’s all this talking?" Captain Lawson demanded.

   Starsky replied, "I was tryin’ to figure out what color of pushpin I was. I always thought of myself as a blue pushpin, not an orange one."

   A ripple of laughter floated through the crowd.

   Captain Lawson turned to Captain Dobey, "Can’t you control your men?" he snapped.

   "Starsky," Captain Dobey said, in a warning tone.

   Starsky gave an apologetic shrug. The officer that had been handing out the files came by and handed the detectives their folder. Hutch looked over Starsky’s shoulder as he skimmed through the pages.

   Starsky whispered, "I think less planning went into the Normandy invasion."

   Captain Lawson’s voice rang out again, "Does everyone understand their assignment?"

   There were murmurs to the affirmative.

   "Then take your positions."

   The two detectives were heading for the door when Lawson called out, "Starsky, Hutchinson. I’d like to speak with you."

   The partners exchanged irritated glances as Lawson walked up to them.

   "I didn’t want you two on this gig," Lawson complained.

   "Well, that makes it unanimous then," Starsky said with a look of defiance.

   "I want you two to split up and cover your own areas. I don’t want to see you two hanging around talking to each other all night. This isn’t a cocktail party."

   Starsky ran his eyes up and down Lawson and said, "This isn’t a Halloween party, either."

   Hutch choked back a laugh, making sure he didn’t look at Starsky and risk losing it completely.

   Lawson pointed at Hutch, "Get rid of the jacket."

   "What?" Hutch said, glancing down at his letterman jacket.

   "Didn’t you read my stakeout manual?"

   "No," Hutch said sarcastically, "I was waiting for the movie to come out."

   Lawson looked flustered for a second, then he barked, "I’m ordering you to get rid of the jacket. White sleeves are not appropriate for stakeout duty."

   Starsky angrily protested, "Come on Lawson, have a heart. It’s freezing out there."

   Lawson wouldn’t budge, "Maybe you’d both like to be put on report?"

   Hutch reluctantly slipped his jacket off, and the two detectives headed for the door.

   "You want to put this in the car?" Hutch asked, handing the jacket to Starsky.

   Starsky got out his car keys and told Hutch he’d meet him out on the dock.

   *******

   Hutch found a hiding place behind a row of stacked wooden shipping crates. The line of crates ran parallel to the roadway and the edge of the dock. If he stood on tiptoe, he could see over the crates and have a 180-degree view of the water. He heard Starsky’s footsteps approaching.

   Starsky handed him a sweatshirt with a BCPD logo on it, and an old jean jacket. "It’s the best I can do, pal. You’ll be pleased to know that the sweatshirt was actually washed within living memory. The jacket kinda smells like the spare tire it was sitting on, sorry." He tossed Hutch a black knit cap, "Here, Goldilocks, we wouldn’t want you getting into any more trouble with Lawson."

   Hutch laughed, "Thanks Starsk. Can you do anything about this hard pavement I have to stand on?"

   "Sorry Blintz, I’m good but I’m not that good."

   Starsky looked around for a hiding place. He decided on the roof of a shack that was built against a large warehouse. There was an air vent on the flat roof, big enough to sit behind without being seen. He climbed up on an oil barrel next to the shack and hoisted himself onto the roof. He waved to Hutch, who was about forty feet away, to the right and a little bit ahead of Starsky’s position. The two detectives began the systematic task of scanning the docks.

   *******

   An hour passed, then two. No one showed up for the buy that was supposed to go down at 2 am. Starsky was lucky, he was able to sit behind the ductwork and watch the pier. Hutch had to remain standing to see over the crates.

   Starsky felt sorry for his partner, who, even under the poor lighting, looked cold, tired, and miserable. He watched as Hutch stamped his feet and stuck his hands in his jacket pockets.

   Starsky spoke into the radio, "Hey."

   "Hey back."

   Starsky said, "Didja hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the farmer’s daughter, and the duck?"

   Hutch laughed at the title of the joke. "No, tell me about the priest, the rabbi, the farmer’s daughter and the duck."

   Lawson’s voice came on the radio, "Omega team, you are to be observing radio silence."

   Starsky was angry. He turned around and kicked the ductwork.

   He grabbed the radio and played dumb. "What’s radio silence?"

   Hutch’s voice replied, "He wants us to stop talking, so I think we should stop talking."

   "What, right now?"

   "Yeah, I’m going to stop talking right now."

   "Okay, I guess I should stop talking, too."

   "Are you?"

   "Am I what?"

   "Are you going to stop talking?"

   Captain Lawson shouted, "Stop that right now! Both of you!"

   Starsky’s voice came on the radio again, "Sorry, can’t talk right now, Cap’n, we’re observing ‘radio silence’. " Starsky put the radio down and strolled over to the edge of the roof.

   Hutch looked up at Starsky doing what he assumed was his impression of a turkey walk.

   *******

   Hutch watched as the sky turned from black to pink. He was exhausted and his back was sore from standing on the hard concrete.

   The radio crackled, and Lawson’s voice came on the air, "I heard a noise. Delta team, come with me and we’ll check the compound behind warehouse 34."

   The radio fell silent again.

   Hutch heard a low, menacing growl behind him. He turned and saw a large black dog. The dog snarled, revealing a set of sharp yellow teeth. The blond detective stood as still as a statue, hoping that the dog wouldn’t attack.

   Starsky watched with horror. He grabbed his gun, but couldn’t get a clear shot at the dog without risking hitting Hutch.

   Suddenly, a burst of static came on the radio, startling Hutch. He jumped, and the dog lunged at him. Hutch leaped up on the stack of crates, but the dog caught the back of his leg, just below his knee. Hutch yelped and scrambled up to safety.

   Two uniformed officers came running, guns drawn, and pumped round after round into the dog.

   Starsky leaped from the roof and ran to the crates. He helped his very pale and shaky partner down. Hutch sat down on the ground and pulled up his pant leg. There were four red slashes on his calf. He pulled out a handkerchief, and dabbed at the blood. Starsky crouched down beside his partner, looking concerned.

   Captain Lawson and Captain Dobey came speeding up in an unmarked police car. The men got out and hurried over.

   Captain Lawson shouted, "Hutchinson, you blew this stakeout! How can we watch unobserved with you making all this noise?"

   Starsky growled, "Can it, Lawson! This stakeout was bogus and you know it!" Starsky looked around at the crowd of police officers gathering and yelled, "Which one of you geniuses let the guard dog out of his compound?"

   Captain Lawson snapped, "Are you questioning my authority?"

   "No," Starsky shouted, getting in Lawson’s face, " I’m questionin’ your sanity. You should have known that there was a guard dog in that compound and had its handler here, making sure that no one got hurt."

   Lawson clenched his fists and was about to reply, when Captain Dobey stepped in, "That’s enough, Starsky. Take your partner to the hospital. Phipps and Saunders, get that dog down to the lab and have it tested for rabies."

   Hutch spoke, "It’s… it’s not that bad. I’d rather go to my own doctor. Starsk, can you just drop me at home?"

   Starsky said, "Wait here, and I’ll bring the car."

   *******

   Starsky drove Hutch back to his cottage. Hutch sank down onto the couch, glad to be off his tired feet. Starsky brought him water, a washcloth and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. While Hutch cleaned up his leg, Starsky cooked them both an omelet for breakfast. The blond detective looked like he was going to fall asleep in his breakfast. The phone rang, and Starsky went to answer it. He returned, shaking his head.

   "Who was it?"

   "That was Huggy. He left us three messages at the station last night, but he couldn’t reach us. Apparently there was a big drug buy down at the bus station last night. At 2 a.m. While half the police force was playing ‘hide and seek’ at the docks."

   Hutch rolled his eyes, "That was some tip that Lawson got."

   "Yeah," Starsky said, "I’m going home to get some sleep. Don’t forget to call the doctor."

   "Yes, Mom."

   *******

   Starsky left Hutch’s cottage, but he didn’t go to his car. He crossed over to the neighbor’s house and knocked on the door. Nothing. He knocked again. After a few minutes, the door opened. A tall, thin, sleepy-looking teenager wearing holey jeans and no shirt stood in the doorway. His greasy blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Starsky flashed his badge. The teenager grabbed the door with both hands, trying to slam it shut. Starsky stuck his foot against the door and shoved it back open. The detective entered the house and walked into the living room. The boy slouched against the wall, glowering.

   "What’s your name?" Starsky demanded.

   "Justin," the surly teen replied.

   "Well, Justin, from now on there’s going to be a lot less noise comin’ out of here. You wanna play loud music, get yourself some headphones. Got it?"

   "I don’t have to listen to what you say, pig."

   Starsky grabbed the ponytail with his right hand and put his left forearm across the boy’s throat, pinning him to the wall. He leaned in until he was eye to eye with the boy.

   "Yeah," Starsky snarled, "you do have to listen to what I say. I’ll bet they know you real well down at Juvie Hall, Justin. I could get the police lab guys down here to look around." He paused to sniff the air, "I don’t think cherry incense is the only thing I smell in here."

   Justin’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head.

   "However," Starsky continued, "if the noise were to stop, what goes on here will be between you and whatever brain cells you’ve got left."

   Justin was frozen to the spot.

   "Nod ‘yes’ if you understand."

   Justin nodded.

   Starsky patted the boy on the cheek. "I’m so glad we had this little talk, Justin. I just love bein’ a mentor."

   Starsky released the boy and strolled out of the house.

   *******

   At noon, Hutch’s phone rang. He picked it up, "Yeah?"

   "Hey Hutch, what did the doctor say?" Starsky asked.

   "I haven’t gone yet – I just woke up."

   "When’s your appointment?"

   "Uh… four o’clock."

   "Oh, okay. How’s the noise from your neighbor’s?"

   "It’s unbelievable, Starsk, it’s been quiet all morning."

   "Maybe ‘Welcome Wagon’ paid them a visit."

   "You didn’t?" Hutch said with a grin.

   "Let’s just say that I don’t think little Justin will be playing anything for your listening displeasure anytime soon. Satan’s disco is officially closed. I’m goin’ down to the station for a while to write my report. I’ll talk to you later."

   "Okay, Starsk."

   *******

   At 4:05, Starsky pulled up to Hutch’s cottage and saw the LTD sitting there. He didn’t need to feel the hood to know that the engine was cold. Shaking his head, he walked up to the doorstep.

   Hutch reluctantly answered the door, "Hi, Starsk."

   "Here to the doctor and back in under five minutes. That must be some kind of a world record."

   "I didn’t go," he said softly, avoiding eye contact with his partner.

   "No kidding. What I want to know is why you didn’t go."

   Hutch looked up, "What if the dog has rabies?"

   Starsky sighed, "Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to borrow trouble? It wasn’t a stray that bit you; it was a mean old guard dog. It’s probably been vaccinated. Besides, the lab’s gonna tell you if it was rabid, not the doctor. What’s this really about?"

   "It’s stupid," Hutch mumbled.

   "I don’t think it’s stupid. Tell me what’s wrong."

   Hutch started pacing. Finally he said, "I don’t want to go. He’s going to give me a shot. I don’t think I can stand seeing a needle coming at me… after what Monk did."

   Starsky put his arm around Hutch’s shoulders and waited for him to calm down. "My doctor is really good. Tell ya what, how ‘bout I get you an appointment, and we can go over there."

   Hutch glanced at the wall clock and assumed that Starsky wouldn’t be able to get an appointment to see the doctor today.

   "Okay, Starsk."

   "Good," Starsky said, pleased with himself. "C’mon, your appointment is at 4:45."

   "What? You made an appointment already?"

   "I know that if I wait any longer, you’ll come up with an excuse not to go."

   Hutch grumbled all the way out to the car.

   *******

   They arrived at the doctor’s office, checked with the receptionist and took their seats in the waiting room.

   "I can’t believe you did that," Hutch complained.

   "Ma used to do this all the time. I was terrified of dental appointments, still am. Anyway, I wouldn’t sleep for days before I had an appointment. I’d wander around the house at night, and it would wake Nicky up. I could hardly eat; my stomach was in knots. It got so bad that finally she stopped tellin’ me in advance. It made it a lot easier."

   The nurse picked up a file and said, "Ken Hutchinson? The doctor will see you now."

   Hutch immediately tensed up. He got up from his chair and knocked over the magazine rack next to him. After he picked it up, he turned and started walking towards the exam room. He was surprised to see Starsky get up and follow him.

   "I don’t think there’s a back door, buddy. So I’m stuck here."

   "I’m not lettin’ ya go in by yourself."

   "Yeah? Won’t it look silly – two grown men walking into the doctor’s office together?"

   "I don’t care what other people think."

   Hutch shrugged and led the way back to the office.

   The doctor came in. He looked sixty-something and had graying hair and brown eyes. His appearance and mannerisms reminded Hutch of Danny Kaye.

   "Hello, David."

   "Hi, Doctor Sussman."

   "I wondered where you were. You’re overdue for your check-up. The reason they call them annual physicals is because you’re supposed to have them once a year."

   Starsky blushed slightly and said, "I’ve been meaning to get in, but I’ve been real busy."

   Hutch was amused at Starsky’s discomfort and decided he liked Doctor Sussman.

   Starsky continued, "This is my partner, Ken Hutchinson."

   Hutch and the doctor shook hands.

   "I’ve heard a lot about you from David. Didn’t you bring him in a couple of years ago, with a dislocated shoulder?"

   Hutch looked embarrassed. "Yeah, I was the one who dislocated it."

   "If I remember correctly, you were saving David’s life at the time."

   "Oh yeah," Starsky said, "that was when the Cooper brothers couldn’t get the floor safe open, so they decided to throw it out the second story window. I was underneath the window, on the street. Hutch saw them and pushed me out of the way."

   "I know a lot about you already, Ken. I also know that you don’t like needles."

   Hutch looked panicked, and turned to glare at Starsky.

   "Don’t worry, Ken, everything David told me is confidential. I’m going to make this as quick and painless as possible for you. Why don’t you sit up here?" The doctor gestured at the exam table.

   Doctor Sussman checked the leg wound. "It doesn’t look too bad, more of a tear wound than a puncture wound. Bruising, but not a lot of swelling. You won’t need stitches. I’ll just clean it up and bandage it."

   The doctor put the last piece of tape on the gauze bandage and said, " Just the tetanus shot and you’ll be all through." He helped Hutch down.

   Hutch swallowed, but his mouth was dry.

   Starsky leaned over and put his hand on Hutch’s shoulder. "I’m here buddy."

   The doctor got out the syringe, "If you’ll turn around and drop your pants."

   Hutch reluctantly obeyed. At the split second the doctor injected Hutch, Starsky reached over and pinched Hutch’s arm.

   Hutch turned his head towards Starsky and was about to ask him why he did that, when Doctor Sussman said, "All done," and replaced the cap on the empty needle.

   "Done? I didn’t feel a thing," Hutch said, incredulous.

   "That’s because David distracted you. He did a fine job."

   Hutch looked from the doctor to Starsky, his eyes wide with disbelief.

   "Close your mouth, Hutch, flies will get in," Starsky teased. When Hutch didn’t move, Starsky said, "You wanna put your pants back on so we can get out of here?"

   Hutch reached down and pulled up his pants.

   Starsky patted the doctor on the back, "Thanks, doc."

   "Yeah," Hutch said, "uh…thank you Doctor Sussman."

   The two detectives left the doctor’s office and headed for the car.

   Starsky put the key in the ignition and asked, "What kind of treat would you like?"

   "What?"

   "Ma always got me a treat when I went to the dentist. So what’s it gonna be? A new plant for your jungle? A book? Hey, there’s a foreign film fest at the Broadway. We could go there."

   "You don’t have to do that," Hutch protested.

   "I want to. Besides, if we pick the right film, there just might be some gratuitous nudity. It makes up for all the boring parts. We can grab something to eat and get there in time for the early show."

   "Thanks, Starsk."

   "Hey," he said with a smile, "that’s what partners are for."

THE END