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There's Always Hope

By

Jerrye

   The call, always expected and still a shock, finally came.  I mean you can't do the job as well as those two and not be a constant irritant to some mighty hunks of power.  Guess they've just been damn lucky, 'til now.  More like they've watched each other's backs carefully.  Watched mine too. My working with them hasn't always put me in the best graces with the other side.  Hey, I'm not complaining.  They're my friends.  You know? Really friends.  Sure haven't many of those, not the kind that count.  Anyway, not to be soapy, never man, I sleep better knowing they've gotten some of the dirt off the street.  Okay, okay, nice to know the Bear helped that happen.

   Well, the call was a real kick in the gut.  Minnie`s voice was breaking up.  She didn't tell me where or how.  Just who and very critical.  Happened hours ago and hours of surgery, already over, and again, very critical.  She was trying to tell me to hurry.  Maybe already too late.

   Anita came quickly to me.  Guess I looked like I had been kicked in the gut.  Gave me a drink. Said, "go, everything here is cool. Please call, let me know."  She loves him too.

   It took awhile to get there.  Traffic at its worst.  By the time I hurried down the corridor, I was numb. 'Til I saw them.  Dobey standing, hardly breathing, staring at the separating glass.  I knew it was bad, maybe too bad, by looking at him.  Then at the partner.  Oh my God!  Oh my man,
Hutch, this may be more than you can handle.  Then, through the window, I really can't say much here, I just can't come out with the words. Only one comes to mind. Cold, everything seemed so cold.  All the stuff, even the team trying to get him settled, stable, give him a chance.  They did their jobs, they couldn't get involved, really didn't think he would be here tomorrow to care for. All the stuff in the room, on him, in him, cold.  Horrible nightmare, dark curls and pale, pale skin. The rest was covered with coldness, and I just wanted to wake up.  All  the tubes the...give me a minute, please.

   "Captain?" I asked Dobey.

   "A couple of guys dressed up like officers.  He's lucky to be alive."   Dobey was breathing in shallow breaths, trying to hold up to his pain.

   Hutch, sitting in front of the window, watching, glanced my way, took no comfort in my presence. Just staring.  His hands clasped together, helping hold him together.

   "He's going to be okay."  It was all I could say.  I thought by saying it, somehow it would have to be true.

   His words are etched into my soul. "He's dying."

   NO!!! "No," That was unacceptable, no Hutch, no.

   "He, he suffered massive damage.  A body can only withstand..."  Hutch couldn't say more.  He was just trying to keep breathing himself.

   The silence for the next few seconds lasted a lifetime.

   "There's a chance, there's always a chance."  I said, knowing it had to be true.

   "Of course there's always a chance.  There's always a chance," Dobey said.  Two of us saying it, had to make it true.  It had to.  Starsky is the most alive person I know.  He does everything wholeheartedly.  He even does bored with zeal.

   Hutch just sat silent and waiting.  Finally the doc came out.  He had some information, Hutch didn't wait.  He looked hard into the doc's eyes, saw all he needed to.  So little chance.  He hurried into the room.

   "Hey doctor..." Dobey begins.

   The doctor is not hopeful.  "He's in a coma."

   Doc's telling us "very little chance, but of course there's always hope.  Miracle he came this far.  If he makes it through the next twenty-four hours, his chances will improve dramatically".

   Then I feel drawn again to that glass window.  The only thing harder than looking at my friend's torn body, is the face of his partner.  There I see a torn and dying spirit.  He reaches out a little as if to touch, but can't.   Maybe he was afraid of somehow hurting him more.  Maybe he was afraid that if he touched his best friend, he couldn't keep it together to finish what had to be done. Afraid that touching, always holding such comfort, would make this all too real and he would never wake from the nightmare we were all having.  Hutch had no hope in his face, only pain and shock.  I knew it wouldn't be long for something else to show in that anguished face, fury.  Fury for not watching his partner's back, at Starsky for not letting him watch his back well enough, fury with being so helpless.  Fury for who was responsible.  Just please be able to hold on to that one for awhile.  When it was gone.... He'll never let anyone comfort him then.  We'll lose them both.

   "Okay my man, hold on to that anger.  I know the feeling of helplessness to.  For Starsky and my man Hutch, for you."       

********

   I knew Huggy was there. It surprised me though that Hutch glanced at him.  He had been so frozen to that glass window, to the view of his broken partner, to his own Hell.  I needed someone else to be here.  If the, the worst happened, I didn't want to try to hold on, and hold on to Hutch, by myself. Hutch loved Huggy.  Starsky loved Huggy.  The look on the lean black man's face told his feelings.  Somewhere I had learned respect of this man of so…ah…many talents.   Huggy was always there for his friends, sometimes even putting himself in danger. Respect came first, but fondness wasn't far behind.  Now I play pool, relax with them, the three of them.  I wondered if we would ever do that again.

   Always hope.  Hutch says Starsky's dying, and so is Hutch, and I can't do anything about it. These two that have become like my sons.  If someone had told me I would have ever felt about them like that years ago, I'd've bellowed them out of my office.  Well, actually Edith, my very wonderful, very perceptive wife told me how I felt about them long before I knew it. She loves them too.  My kids think they hung the moon.  I just know they're dedicated and special.  They care.  They're good at what they do.  They're good, period.  

   The doc`s out now.  Hutch just looks at him, and goes to his partner.  

   I'm going to the chapel.  I'm going to talk to my Lord.  He knows how good they are too.  

   I ask Huggy to wait there, to be there when Hutch is able to come out.  Or can't stay in any longer. I'm beyond worrying about Huggy seeing my tears.  He's having trouble seeing through his anyway.

   There's always hope.

********

   "David, we're taking you down now.  We'll get you settled and your partner can be with you."

   Becky knew she couldn't cry, not yet.  Nurses can't on the job.  Anyway, what if somehow David could hear her.  He would be so scared.  Not that he would ever show it.  He never had, in all the times he had been hurt.  Only for his partner had he ever shown fear.  They were fast becoming a legend at Memorial.  Both so handsome, brave, and such charm.

   As Becky did final checks on IV connections, brushing at his hair where a some blood had dried from the cuts, "If anyone ever had a chance, let it be you.  There's always hope David."

********

   Yes, I knew him when they brought him in.  Been here before, both of them always beating the odds, until this time...How we want him to live!

   "Everything we can do for now is done.  The rest is up to him, but I don't know how any body that damaged can survive.  He's as stable now as possible.  A drug will keep him in a coma till, well it'll give his body whatever chance it has to begin healing."

   "Massive damage,  surgical teams worked well and quick.  He'll be in ICU soon.  Wish I could offer more hope.  Someone stay close.  God I didn't want to face those anguished eyes again."

   I see the last drug put in into the IV.  Check the dressings and vitals, the equipment, more than really needed.  I guess I'm putting off, as I often do, the hardest part of the job, of my life. Listening to his chest, I wrench my eyes from that face.  I turn to go out that door and turn the world of the ones who love him inside out.  And I try to remember that there's always a chance.

   They're waiting. Breaths are being held.  "He's in a coma." The partner has looked deep in my eyes and sees all. He goes to the other part of his soul.  I answer their captain and good friend, trying to give what I can.  There's little they don't know.  He's as near death as you can get.  If somehow he can make it through the next 24 hours, he has a real chance.  I offer little hope, for this is hard enough for them.  There is very little hope.  We'll do all we can.  The captain is going to the chapel. The other is staying close by.  They are doing all they can.  And we wait for another miracle, always hope.

********

   So alone, so alone...I don don't want to be alone.  Let me in Starsky.  I don't want you  alone. Please buddy, You're not being fair. I'm so mad Starsky. I was going to take you wherever you wanted to eat.  Maybe someplace where you'd wear a tie even, no jeans either.  I would order wine and how about prime rib.  You wanted that last week.  I haven't cleaned up that root beer you left in the freezer.  What a mess, Starsky, it broke and spewed all over. I'll have to clean the whole thing out.  Oh God, babe I can't  catch my breath.  I hear you, deep breaths keep breathing, just keep breathing.

  You're not really there.  This is the first time.  I'm only hearing you in memories.  You're already a memory.  Oh, Oh I can't breath.  I want to cry.   

   The sound of your heart.  It's in a machine.  The roar of it.  It hurts my ears.  If it stops...oh I hurt Starsky, I hurt so much.  It's so loud.  It's like your screaming for me and I can't help.   

   You're so broken, I could nearly believe it isn't you.  There's that wild mop of yours.  I've always seen that first in a crowd or on the street.  If I could see your eyes, I'd know it was you.  But I'll probably never see them again, indigo eyes. Telling all, at least to me.  Never again.  No, no, let me lie there.  This pain is too much.  Oh what I 'd do to change places.  But I wouldn't want you to go through this, no Starsky I wouldn't.  And I'll be wherever you are, here or in a new life, soon.

   Huggy...Huggy's here.  Huggy make this go away. "He 's going to be okay."

   No Huggy, nothing, nothing will ever be okay. Never.  "He's dying.  He suffered massive damage.  A body can only withstand..."A heart can only withstand.  Our heart...

   "There's always a chance."  Saying it won't make it true Huggy.

   "There's always a chance."  Shut up!  Both of you.  I can't hear that.  I can't feel him.  He's alone.  I'm alone.    

   A coma, doc's eyes tell me, a death coma.  Just move out of my way.   

   Starsky, don't do this.  Don't do this to me.  I want to touch you, if I do, I'll stop breathing.  Then I won't be able to... Oh God I feel sick.   

   God I'll do anything.  Are You there.  Listen to me.  I'm mad, do You hear me?  Listen to me.  Oh Please, please let there be some hope.  Oh God I'm afraid.  Please.

   Is he feeling anything? What if he feels fear?  I can't be there with him.  I'm the only one he would ever let into his fear.  He trusts me completely.  I didn't do anything to save him.  A stupid yell, I yelled.  Starsky is this the way you're getting back at me for not backing you up.  What partner, are you going to die instead of me?  That's not fair.   

   I want to touch you babe.  I want you with me.  Starsky, when you're gone, and whoever did this to you, I'll take care of him babe, don't you worry, I'll take care of all your matters and mine too.  Then, I'll stop all the pain this breathing is causing.   

   He's alone.  I'm alone.  Starsky, I just want to be with you, then we won't be afraid.  Wait for me babe.  But maybe, just maybe, a chance. Please, somehow. Dobey and Huggy's usually right.

   Maybe just maybe, there's always hope.

********

   Dobey prayed a long time before he returned to the watch. He received comfort and hope, and now he could stay strong. The Lord told him to go to his boys, stay near. Let them know there's a chance.

   Huggy had barely moved the hour, or many hours, Dobey had been away. Hutch sit as unmoving as his partner. Time seemed to have held still. Reality, a shadow in a nightmare.

   "Huggy," just a whisper, but Huggy jumped. He had never heard Dobey speak so soft.

   Turning, grim dark eyes meeting, "It's...I..." Huggy, gregarious Huggy, was at a loss for words.

   "I know son. Why don't you get some coffee?" Dobey knew Huggy had to get away from the pain on the other side of that glass. They would both have to keep it together to make it through this.

   "Yeah, I won't be long. You'll..."

   "Of course," the question needed not be asked. "Any change, I'll get you."

   Dobey couldn't watch the hell any longer either. He found chairs nearby.

   Later he heard Hutch's slow footsteps echoing loudly. Everything seemed so loud and bright. Hutch eased himself in the chair beside Dobey. The raw pain and frustration taking its toll fast. He released a little, slamming his fist into the chair. Never feeling the pain, wanting to feel the pain.

   Dobey had already came to one decision, he would stay, he wouldn't leave. What if they lost him? He couldn't stand the thought of Starsky being alone if he left them. Hutch would need him close by...yes, he would stay. Right now he must remove Hutch from this, for a while, at least a little distance. He was in shock.

   "Why don't you wash up? Get something to eat?" Dobey asked and was a little surprised when Hutch agreed. Probably just had to move. Or wanted someone to give him some direction.

   Water mixed with tears, but it made Hutch feel a little better. Then, reality hit hard. In the mirror, a body. Someone else had got in a devils way. Starsky, they're after me and Starsky. That thought moved Hutch and filled him with unnatural fury.

   Sitting ducks, Captain, you just watch after Starsky. Dobey couldn't stop him. An army couldn't stop him. Dobey sent him Huggy. Huggy who knew him so well. Huggy who cared for him so.

   It was good having Huggy there understanding. More than understanding. Fury was in his eyes also. Yes, Huggy I can't save my partner, but they don't have me, and I can damn well do something about it. He felt beyond the pain of his soul dying, he now felt cold blinding fury.

   Pulling the trigger, the goon actually felt the wind of the bullet. Hutch's eyes had the look of a madman. The blue, dark, like deep still water. Hutch knew the man gave only the truth. He didn't know he had wet his pants. Hutch finally felt the pain of the cut and his own blood brought back the rest of reality. And now he had a name, Brown, Jennie Brown.

   Hutch was in near panic. He had been away from his partner an eternity. He found and grabbed the phone. Put the call through, hurry, God what if...

   "I think you better get down here right away, Hutch...Hutch...Hutch..."

   NO, NO. God no! Please, no! I'll do anything! No! Everything is moving too slow. Oh Starsky, please, hold on, please, I'm coming, Oh God! Slamming through the doors, Starsky I felt something. Hear me. I'm here babe.

   "But I'll be damned if isn't alive." Starsky those are the most beautiful words I ever heard.

   Hutch went back to Starsky and set, Still with pain and worry. He'd left the fury outside for now. In here there was too much love. Finally, he could touch and find and, he knew, give comfort. He touched his partner, felt the life there, and lightly rubbed his arm. The tears flowed easily now, as he felt the hope.

   You're holding your own now babe. There was always a chance, I should have known. You've always been the most stubborn man alive. And the most special. I'll find out who did this, it will be taken care of. You have the most important job though. We're here. We love you and waiting for you to come back to us. The doctor said they stopped the drug keeping you asleep.

   Starsky, open your eyes. It's time to start the climb. It's going to be hard and I don't know what's on the other side, but it'll be me and thee, us all the way. Open your eyes babe, so we can do this together.

THE END