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Kathy Kellenberger

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
            Roberta Flack

   It was a silly argument, down right stupid. We were ending a fourteen day stretch of work, crime, and the streets. We were both beat, exhausted, and irritable. That day it was my turn to drive, and as I was dropping Starsk off at his apartment I got distracted and ran right into the back of his car. I don't think I've ever seen Starsky so mad...not at me anyway.

   We had words. He yelled at me. I yelled at him. We yelled at each other. He insulted my car. I insulted his car. I told him I didn't need this. He told me he didn't either, and to just get the hell out!

   We've had arguments before, but Starsky's words cut into me like a hot knife. I had nothing left to say...I couldn't... my voice was gone. I left.

~~~

   "Charlie, another beer, huh?"

   "Sure, Hutch. You look like you just lost your best friend."

   "Maybe I did." Hutch hung his head, not wanting the bartender to see the wetness in his eyes. The aching in his heart.

   I was so sorry even before I turned my back and left Starsky. I was too proud to say anything...angry at the time...but hurt, too. I don't even know what happened. Yeah, I ran into his car. Didn't damage it. I'm sure Starsky is still inspecting it for a scratch. I was sorry... Oh, Starsk...

   I could feel the tension mounting in the last week. We were both tired, in need of some major R&R. Why do we push ourselves so hard? Is it worth it? After I almost lost my friend at the hands of Gunther, I promised myself that I would always be there for him, never hurt him, always protect him. What happened? Since the shooting we became even closer than I thought possible. Did Starsky really mean what he said? The words "get out!" rang over and over in my head.

   I left the bar, my beer half full, and began to walk and walk and walk, eventually finding myself down at the docks. I stood, looking at the sun setting over the water and thought of all we had been through together.

   I'll never forget those two weak words. God, how I prayed he would still be alive when I got to him. I had no idea what happened to him...what he went through, but I knew it was bad.

   I just held my friend. I couldn't do anything to help his torment and I hated it. All I could do was watch him suffer and deteriorate... I'd have taken his place in a minute...but we made it...together, we made it.

   I remember the first time I saw his face...at the academy in the gym. He was the life of the party. I stood alone. Felt I didn't fit in. I felt an arm... "Hey? I'm David." He brought out the best in me from that day and every day after that. I felt it. He felt it. We felt it. I can't really explain it. The bond was created. I've never felt alone since that day. Never been alone since that day. Neither has Starsk.

   Oh God, Starsk. Always the light of my life. I could never refuse you anything...although I should have that night.

   I didn't think we'd make it out of that one alive...but once again we did it, we made it...together. Starsky never knew how scared I was for him.

   The sun was sinking, almost below the water's horizon. It felt like forever since I'd left Starsky's place. It was at least three...four hours. I liked it here at the docks. I could think, but did I want to?

   Starsk held me for hours...rubbed my back while I was heaving into the toilet...cleaned me up when I was a mess. Loved me. Encouraged me. Made me believe in myself again. He never left me. Aw, Starsk...I can't stand this... I hope you aren't really mad at me. I am sorry. Still don't like your silly car, but I am sorry.

   God, I couldn't have forgiven myself if you would have gotten sick, too. You risked your life coming in to see me all the time. You never gave up on me buddy...even when they told you I had almost no chance of surviving the night. I remember you sitting with me, holding my hand. Yeah, I knew you were there...so did the nurses, but they had given up telling ya to leave. I needed ya Starsk, then...and now.

   "No!" Hutch did not realize he was speaking aloud.

   "No what?"

   "Starsk? How'd you find me? Doesn't matter... I'm just glad you're here."

   "Me too, buddy, me too."

   "Starsk? Please forgive me, huh? And if you don't love me...lie to me...cause you're the one thing I believe...I love...I need."

   "Nothin' to forgive, Hutch. We both had a rough week, tired, irritable... What I said was uncalled for, and God knows I didn't mean it. I do love ya, blondie." Starsky tousled the light blond hair as they embraced.

The first time we embraced,
I felt the earth turn in my hand
            Roberta Flack

THE END