Kathy Kellenberger

Hold on, hold onto yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell. 
Hold on, hold onto yourself, you know that only time can tell. 

You know that you're my best friend, 
You know that I'd do anything for you, and my love, 
Let nothing come between us, 
My love for you is strong and true.
Sarah McLachlin

"Stay with me buddy. Huggy and I are gonna get you upstairs…somewhere safe, somewhere no one's gonna find you. I'm gonna help you Hutch. I know you're hurting buddy. Just hold on. Hold onto me Hutch."

Starsky's POV

   God, I didn't know if Hutch was even gonna make it, but I was gonna do everything humanly possible for him. He'd been through hell…beaten repeatedly, starved, bound, degraded and worst of all had been forced into a heroin addiction. He had no choice, he had no control, he was forced! They took everything away from him! Well, damn it, they weren't going to win. They weren't getting his spirit! I'd make sure of that. I wanted to find them and kill them, whoever "them" were…that I didn't' know just yet.

   Hutch was in bad shape, hurting, withdrawing. God it hurt to see him like this. I don't think he even knew I was with him in those first hours after I found him. He was sluggish, chilling and his ability to reason was gone. He was so sick… the tremors seemed to be the worst part when I found him, but soon the nausea, vomiting and pain consumed him. I got him into Huggy's upper room, with Huggy's help, but when the retching started, Huggy was out of there. I thought he would be sick himself. It wasn't a pretty sight, but this was Hutch…my Hutch, and I'd be there for him no matter what. He just wanted to curl up on the floor and hold onto his stomach. I finally gave in and let him rest on my lap, on the bathroom floor, as he held onto his sore stomach with one arm, and onto me for dear life with the other. I know he knew somehow that I was there with him and could feel him relax just a bit. I rubbed his arms, stroked his neck, face and forehead…anything to let him know he was safe and that he was loved. He had to know he was "worth it." He'd experienced so much hatred in the last few days. Hatred, evilness, sensory deprivation, pain, confinement and abandonment. The "highs" were high I'm sure, but the "lows" were low, so very low. He was coming down hard now. I assessed that his last fix might have been about at least 14 hours ago, judging from the extreme withdrawal symptoms and the dilation of his pupils. My partner was in trouble. He needed a FIX! I could have taken him to a hospital, but I knew he'd be kicked off of the force. Hell, I didn't care about that. I just wanted my best friend to be all right. But I knew that Hutch would care. I prayed I would be enough for Hutch. Enough to help him kick this damn thing. 

   We'd always been enough for each other before, but this would be the ultimate test. As I held him in my arms on the bed, he looked into my eyes, said my name for the first time since I found him and asked 'me' to help him. He wanted 'me' to help him. I just couldn't stick him in some detox center. I couldn't hand him over to strangers. I couldn't let him go through this alone. I was real "me and thee" time. I guess I was being a bit selfish too, cause I wasn't about to let him go. I'd hold onto him for as long as it took. I knew this was only the beginning. Hutch and I had worked these cases before and we both knew the damage an opiate, "smack, horse, junk, H" or whatever the name for it on the streets was at the time, could do, and what the addiction and withdrawal was capable of. We'd seen enough overdoses through the years. We both hated it, but I had never hated it as much as I hated it right now. Seeing my partner suffer like this was too much, but I had to remain strong, for Hutch needed me now and would need me in the days to come, like he'd never needed me before. He was going to kick this thing and I'd be with him every minute. Together we could do this.

   I also knew that the worst part was still to come. Over the next 24 to 72 hours, I could expect to see Hutch's withdrawal symptoms peak. We'd seen it before…the muscle and abdominal cramps, fever, severe tremors and twitching, not to mention the severe nausea and vomiting we could expect. I knew he would be irritable too. Sometimes it was hard to handle one of Hutch's bad "morning moods." How are we gonna handle these buddy? You're gonna have the worst mood swings you've ever had…and I guess that means that I'm gonna too huh? Oh buddy. Who could do something like this to you? I'll get them for you partner…I swear I will! You just hold on…hold onto me…I'm right here.

My love, you know that you're my best friend, 
You know that I'd do anything for you. 
Sarah McLachlin

Huggy's POV

   I'd seen people hurtin' before, comin' down, but it's different when it's one of your friends. Especially curly or blondie. Yeah, I've known these two clowns for years now. Guess I could say that they're my best friends. They sure are loyal to me… never forgettin' a birthday, special occasion… they're just always there. I'm damn lucky to have them and proud to call them my friends, even if they are cops. They're two of the nicest and fair guys I've ever known. Can't understand why they'd want me for a friend, other than to supply them with endless information, but that's not it…no, they'd probably give their lives for me if it came down to it… and I know I'd give mine for them. Why life has been so damn unfair to them at times I'll never understand. They do right by people. I know they don't make much money doin' the crappy job they do, but they seem to love it. More than that though, they love each other. I look at one who is blond, the other one dark… one who try's to have class and the other who is proud to show he doesn't. Yeah, one without the other is like an apple pie without the apples. It just ain't a happenin' thing. Together they're the strongest men I know. Alone, they're just one half of a lost soul. Unfortunately I've seen it too many times. When one is sick or hurt or missing…well the other one too is sick, hurting and so lost. They need each other. Brothers. Family. Friends…the best.

   When Starsk brought Hutch to my place after he found him in the alley, strung out, sick, hurting… well, I wasn't ready for the pitiful sight that Starsky carried to my room upstairs. Hutch has passed out on the way to my place and I honestly thought he was dead as his head lolled in Starsky's arms. His clothes were covered in vomit and other bodily fluids stained his clothing, bruises covered his body and his little boy, once innocent face. No doubt he'd been through hell. I'd never seen curly so afraid. Yeah, he'd never admit to that. He was determined to save his friend. Gotta say I was really scared too, for I'd never seen Hutch so messed up. I had my doubt's that Hutch could make it through the withdrawal. I even suggested once that we give Hutch just a little fix…let him come down slow. Starsky said "NO! He's gonna be okay Hug. Just help me huh? We're gonna get through this together. I'm gonna help him." I saw the unshed tears in Starsky's eyes, tears of anger at whoever did this to Hutch, tears of joy at finding him alive and tears of sorrow for his friend who had obviously been put through hell. Tortured. Drugged. Beaten. Dying? God, Hutch couldn't die. I knew if he did, Starsky would surely follow him somehow. I was scared for my friends. Really scared.

   Starsky laid Hutch on the bed and Hutch stirred as he did so. I watched as my blond friend curled up into a ball of agony in the middle of the bed. He didn't know where he was. Hell, I don't even think he knew who he was at the time…but he seemed to know Starsky. He knew Starsky was safety, protection, and love.

   Starsk, he needs a fix bad. I've seen this kind of thing Starsk, he's gonna be hurting even worse than he is now in just a bit. He's gonna be so sick. He's gonna fight you with any strength he has, you know that don't you? And he's gonna start beggin' for you to get him a fix. You gonna be able to handle that? He's comin' down hard, crashing.

   Starsky just held on tight to his shaking friend and told me to get some coffee and a lot of sugar. Hutch had fallen into a light sleep. He held onto Hutch like a baby, rocking him slowly, soothing, comforting…holding on…. - I nodded. I'd do whatever I could.

Am I in heaven here, or am I in hell, at the crossroads I am standing. So now you're sleeping peaceful. 
I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow and we will see another day 
And we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face. 
Hold on. Hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell.
Sarah McLachlin

Starsky's POV

   Huggy was right. As Hutch became more alert, he was hurting more, sweating profusely, trembling uncontrollably and he was sick…so damn sick! I wasn't gonna get him a fix. Not even a small one. Hutch would never be injected with that damn stuff ever again. Not as long as I had breath! I held him tight and could only be there for him as he heaved.

   Hold on buddy. Hold on to it. I know this isn't any fun and I know you're hurting something awful, but no Hutch, I'm not gonna get you any "medicine." You're gonna fight this…we're gonna fight this babe. I promise, it'll get better, but you're gonna feel like hell for a while. I'm here. I need you to trust me Hutch, trust me like you never have before. We're gonna beat this…together…"me and thee" partner.

   Words. Only words. I knew I probably wasn't getting through to him, but I hoped that my love for him was. I looked up, trying not to let Hutch feel how afraid I was for him. For us. Trying not to let go of the tears that threatened to pour out. God, help him! We need your help…please!

   I'd never seen Hutch in so much pain, physically, emotionally, spiritually. This wasn't the Hutch I knew, but it was still the Hutch I loved. It was going to be a long night.

   As the hours passed, Hutch only hurt more, and as he became more alert he also got more angry and demanding. I knew I had to be strong. He fought me at times, begged me at times, screamed at me. It was hard, but I wasn't giving in.

   If you were my friend Starsky, you would HELP me! Why won't you help me?

   He'd yell and try to get out of the room one minute, then collapse in my arms and cry in the next minute. He was on an emotional roller coaster.

   I do love you Hutch, and I am your friend. It's because I love you so much that I'm keeping you here. You can't have anymore "stuff." I know you don't understand now, but you will.

   God, the way he looked at me. Like I was the cure-all. Like maybe I could work miracles! He was so torn… he was getting the power to reason back and knew that he couldn't have the drug, but wanted it so badly he thought he'd die without it. We had a long way to go.

   Get the hell out Starsky!

   Hutch was sick and had slammed the door to the bathroom shut. I stood on the other side of the door, listening to my partner lose anything he has left in his stomach. I opened the door slowly and sank down beside him when I heard him start to cry.

   It's okay buddy. It's gonna be all right. I promise.

   He was so thin and weak. I'm sure the goons that took him didn't think of giving him any food. That would have been too much of a luxury. He was dehydrated too. He let me hold onto him this time and didn't push me away. I let him cry and cry and cry.

   Help me…Starsky…help me. Make it stop, please make it stop!

   He held onto me for dear life. I would have taken it all for him if I could have. I sat on the bathroom floor, holding onto my friend until the sobbing slowed and Hutch started nodding off. I got him back to bed, got a basin of warm water and smoothed the cloth over his face, neck, chest and arms. He seemed to relax just a bit. He never asked me again to get him a fix. Reality was coming back. We knew we had a long road ahead of us, but Hutch was going to make it. He was so weak, but the worst was over. I held him as he fell into a more restful sleep and started to doze off myself. I held on to my friend and knew when he held onto me in return that we were going to make it. His muscles were twitching badly, especially in his legs. He was kicking the habit.

   I love you Hutch. Glad to have you back… you big lummox you.

THE END