Kathy Kellenberger

   It had been a particularly grueling month for the two detectives. They were assigned an unusually heavy case load, working 14 to 16 hour days.

   Captain Dobey informed them they would have to work the weekend in addition to the horrendous week they had already been through. They were exhausted, feeling burned out and irritated. They needed some time off desperately.

   It was Friday afternoon and they were on their way to Huggy's for a bite to eat for lunch. Starsky grabbed the radio to tell the dispatcher that they would be logging out for thirty minutes for lunch. The message was never delivered as they were directed to a hostage situation at a bank two blocks from their location. They responded that they were on their way.

   There were black and whites surrounding the building. when they arrived. Communication had been created between the police and the offenders. The demands of the criminals were high and unreasonable. The plan was to free the hostages without harm and arrest the men holding them. Starsky and Hutch had a bad feeling regarding the entire situation. The last contact from the men in the bank told them that these were definitely crazy but very intelligent men with a well thought out plan.

   Hutch found his way into the bank through a small window in the back. The plan was for Hutch to distract the men away from the hostages which would let Starsky get in through the front. It all happened so fast.

   A couple of Rookies thought they had a better plan as they barreled in through a side door. The three masked men went ballistic and started shooting. The first to fall were the two rookies. Starsky was careful to get most of the hostages out through the front while the men were focusing on the corpses they just created.

   There was a woman and two children that were near the back of the bank and were not able to get out with the rest. Starsky saw Hutch emerging from the back and watched as his partner motioned the woman and two children toward him. It was the only way out for them at this point. Hutch's eyes met Starsky's momentarily before he moved the three to the safety of a small office in the back and told them to wait very quietly for him to come back for them. Hutch then went toward the teller area where the two rookies lay dead. The three masked men were discussing their options. They were wired and angry as their plan was not working out as they had planned.

   Hutch was behind the teller counter thinking of his next move. Their plan was not working as planned either. Starsky was getting very worried about his partner from whom there had been no contact in thirty minutes.

   Starsky used the megaphone to get the attention of the men left in the bank. Two of them peaked through the drawn blinds in the front of the building. Hutch thought all three were focused on the commotion calling them from the front as he went to get the three innocent people out of the little office in the back and get them to safety. Hutch did not see the third masked man coming up behind him.

   Hutch was told to drop his gun. He obeyed. The man cuffed Hutch's hands behind his back using his own handcuffs. He then saw the three innocent beings in the small office and went crazy. Hutch was thrown down forcefully to the floor where the man began to kick at him fiercely. Hutch could hear the cracking of his ribs. He then screamed as his capture shot him twice, one bullet lodging itself in his left thigh and the other grazed the left side of his head. Hutch heard the man threatening the woman with her two children. He heard him say he was not going to go to jail and that they were all going to die together. He pulled a grenade and slid it into the back office.

   Hutch was horrified as he could see down the hall at what just took place. He put his head down and closed his eyes as he heard the horrific screams of the woman and terrifying cries of the children.

   The last thing Hutch remembered before blacking out was the explosive bang.

~~~~~~~~

   Starsky broke free of the hold that Captain Dobey had on him and ran into the now partially collapsed building. It was difficult to see anything as smoke and debris still filled the air. He went toward the back in a desperate search for his partner. He tripped over something and fell to the floor. He heard a soft cry and what sounded like someone trying to call his name. He had tripped over Hutch. Starsky screamed for an ambulance. He reached for his partner, reminding him that he was with him and that help was on the way. As the air cleared Starsky could see that Hutch's hands were bound behind his back and looked at his own hands, which to his horror were covered with his partner's blood. Hutch was able to get only small sounds out, no words. Starsky just held him, pleading with him to 'hang on...to please stay with him and hang on'. "I need help in here!" he screamed again.

   Hutch managed to say what Starsky thought sounded like, "the kids...the kids...are they ok? before he lost his battle with consciousness all together.

   Starsky rode with Hutch in the ambulance. He could only watch as the paramedics started IV's and placed oxygen onto his partner, applied pressure to the leg and head wounds and examined severely bruised rib area. Starsky was more focused on Hutch's chest, making sure it was rising and falling. He feared it may stop in any moment.

   Once at the ER, Hutch was rushed into the trauma room. The Dr. yelled "I need help in here now! We have a GSW times two!"

   Starsky paced the waiting room anxiously awaiting word on his friend. The Dr. arrived to meet with Starsky about two hours later.

   "Detective Starsky?"

   Starsky rose to meet the Dr. "How is my partner?"

   "Mr. Hutchinson was very lucky. The bullet that hit his head actually just grazed the scalp. We sutured that area and he should have no complications of after effects from this besides a bad headache. He has only a mild concussion. The gunshot wound to the leg was a bit more complicated. We took him to surgery and removed the bullet. He lost a lot of blood and the bullet did fracture the bone. He will be in the hospital for about a week, then I want him on crutches for at least 6 weeks more at home. We can help him get muscle strength back into his leg with physical therapy. This will be very important if he wants to walk without a cane and get back to normal. He will be very sore for a while also. The x-rays show four broken ribs. We taped his chest area to minimize the pain and allow him to heal. He may need a lot of support for a while."

   "I'll do anything I can for him doc. Can I see him now?"

   "He will be taken to the second floor as soon as he is out of recovery. Give him about an hour."

   "Thanks doc." Starsky was relieved that his partner would be ok, but disturbed thinking about his injuries.

~~~~~~~~

   Starsky walked into Hutch's room and sat in the chair next to the bed, watching his partner sleep. He didn't want to wake him but instinctively took his hand when he began to moan.

   "Hey Hutch. You're gonna be ok. Just try to stay still. I know it hurts buddy."

   Relieved that Starsky was with him, Hutch drifted back into sleep. Exhausted, Starsky did the same.

   Starsky was startled awake at 5am to the sound of his partner screaming and thrashing in his bed. He was up and sitting on the bed with Hutch immediately.

   Two nurses appeared in the doorway immediately after hearing the commotion.

   "I'll take care of it" Starsky told them. "He had a nightmare. We're gonna be ok."

   The nurses nodded "ok" but told him to use the call bell if he needed anything.

   "Starsky put his hand on Hutch's shoulder's and spoke to him softly in an attempt to calm his shaking partner. "It's gonna be ok Hutch. I'm right here with you and I'm gonna stay right here if you need me." Starsky was concerned as he knew it was more than just physical pain Hutch was in. He saw a flood of emotional pain as well. He wiped at the tears that silently fell down his partner's face. Hutch then closed his eyes and turned his head away, not saying a word. Starsky knew it was too soon to push his partner for an explanation of what was going on inside his head.

   The Dr. came in at 8am to check on his patient. Starsky found some coffee and waited for Hutch to wake. He didn't have to wait long as the Dr. began to examine his partner. He first checked the stitches in Hutch's scalp, then felt around his bandaged ribs which made Hutch wince. It wasn't until the Dr. removed the dressing and probed around the leg wound that he began to moan loudly. The Dr. rang the nurses bell and through the intercom ordered pain medication for his patient immediately.

   Starsky held Hutch's hand as the Dr. told him that he expected that he would have a lot of pain, considering the way the bullet had entered his leg. Only moments later the nurse was ready to deliver the pain med. Hutch screamed as he had to be moved onto his side for the shot.

   Hutch was beginning to get drowsy from the pain med as Starsky continued to talk soothingly to him.

   "I don't want any more medicine for pain. I just want to go home." Hutch said in a defeated voice.

   "Hey partner, you'll be home soon enough. We gotta get you better first."

   "I don't deserve to get better Starsk! Those kids are never going to get better. They are never going to grow up. What was wrong with me? I should have been able to protect them, not get them killed." Hutch was shaking and crying. Crying tears he hated himself for.

   "Hutch" Starsky was firm but gentle. "You did all you could do. There was no other place you could have put them. You only had one choice and that was that back office. You did everything right buddy."

   "I should have died with them...instead of them."

   "Hutch. Listen to me buddy...you're not thinking straight right now. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You couldn't have saved them and I don't want to hear you talking about dying ok!" Starsky had tears in his own eyes now.

   Starsky knew it was not going to be easy to reach his partner. He became very concerned about his emotional well being.

   The pain med soon took over as Hutch fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~

   After reminding Hutch that he would be back, Starsky went home to get cleaned up and then to the office to fill out his report of yesterday's occurrences. It was difficult for him to concentrate as his thoughts were of his partner. Starsky was very concerned about his friends peace of mind.

   Later that day Starsky walked into his partner's room at Memorial only to find that his wrists and ankles had been restrained to the bed. Without saying a word he went to the nurses station and demanded an explanation. The Dr. arrived about the same time Starsky did.

   "Mr. Starsky, Mr. Hutchinson..." The Dr. was cut off mid sentence.

   "Listen Doc. I am Dave and my partner is Ken!"

   "Ok Dave, your partner Ken became very agitated earlier. The nurses found him on the floor. It took three orderlies to get him back into bed. He was combative and said he was leaving. We had to give him a sedative to calm him down."

   "Do you have to restrain him doc?" Starsky hated seeing his partner immobilized and could only imagine what it was doing to him mentally.

   "Yes, he could have hurt himself more than he already is. I don't want him trying to get out of bed again. He has a serious leg wound among other things. Until he calms down I don't want to take any chances with him. Also, I want Ken to have a psychiatric evaluation. I am very concerned."

   Starsky accepted all the doctor had to say and just put his head down. "Thanks doc, I need to be with my partner now."

   Starsky walked into the room to find Hutch staring out the window.

   "Hey buddy."

   Hutch did not answer or look at his partner.

   "Hutch...what's going on? Why did you try and get yourself up? You're hurt and you're weak."

   Hutch turned to look at Starsky with pain and torment in his eyes. "I want to go home Starsk. I just want to be left alone." A tear ran down his face.

   Starsky sat in the chair next to the bed and took Hutch's hand. "Why the tears buddy?"

   "I don't want to talk about it Starsky."

   "You'll be out of here real soon, but you're hurt and you need help right now."

   "I don't care. I don't want to be here."

   "Hutch...talk to me will ya? Come on, it's me. We talk about these things right?"

   "I don't want to talk!" Hutch was getting agitated again. "Starsky, I just want to be alone now ok? Please just go." Hutch was breathing heavier. Starsky was really getting worried about his partner. He attempted one more time to talk with Hutch, feeling scared seeing him so shut down, angry and depressed.

   "Please just go Starsky! Get out of here will you!"

   Starsky could only look into Hutch's eyes, saddened at the pain he saw in them. Hutch didn't even asked for the restraints to be removed. It was as though he had given up. Starsky knew this was serious. He turned to walk away with tears in his own eyes.

~~~~~~~~

   The day came for Hutch to be released from the hospital. He was still not communicating with Dobey, Huggy, the nurses or even Starsky.

   Starsky came to take his partner home. They rode in silence. When they got to Hutch's apartment Starsky pleaded with his partner to stay with him for a while. Hutch refused. "Thanks Starsk, I just want to be at home and get some rest. I'll be ok."

   He did allow Starsky to help him up the stairs, which was difficult with the crutches. Starsky wanted to stay. He missed his friend, but felt unwelcome to do so. Starsky was hurting too, but Hutch was not giving in. He just wanted to be alone.

   Hutch settled himself in a chair after Starsky left. He didn't move for hours. He didn't eat, didn't turn on the TV, he just stared and cried. He later managed to get to the kitchen and poured a glass of Vodka. He drank it straight, then poured another. He continued until he passed out. He didn't know how else to shut out the pain and guilt he was feeling so deeply. He slept in the chair, not elevating his leg as he was instructed and neglecting the medication he was instructed to take.

   Hutch found that alcohol was the best thing he could do to make him feel better, or so he thought. He began to drink in the mornings and continued throughout the day until he eventually passed out in the afternoon or night. Alcohol had replaced the pain, emotionally and physically, replaced eating and living. It had replaced Starsky.

   Starsky stopped by a couple times a week. He noticed that Hutch was losing weight, his mail was in a heap on the floor unopened, even his plants, what he treasured most, were dying. Most of the time Hutch was drinking while Starsky was there...he didn't seem to care anymore. Hutch was limping, as he never attended the physical therapy appointments and his physical appearance was deteriorating. Hutch would get upset and even told Starsky to 'get out' when he told Hutch he thought he may have a problem with the alcohol. Hutch was shutting everyone out of his life, including himself. He didn't recognize that he did indeed have a problem. He was in major denial. He was hurting and was angry.

   Six weeks went by and Hutch should have been returning to work, but the Dr. said he would need additional time as his leg was not healing as he had hoped. The Dr. lectured him on not going to his physical therapy sessions and was concerned about his patients loss of weight and general sick looking appearance. Hutch was suffering from malnutrition by now. He gave the Dr. every excuse in the book and said he would do better with the PT and take better care of himself. Neither of which he did.

~~~~~~~~

   The incident at the bank had been almost two months ago. Hutch was killing himself slowly. He started having blackouts where he would not remember what happened for days at a time. He was getting second notices on unpaid bills which he discarded onto the pile on the floor. He continued to consume his Vodka and found that he would tremble, feel panicky and sick when he went too long without a drink. He started to hide or sneak the alcohol when Starsky would drop in and tried very hard to hide his shaking hands in front of his partner. He was a bit nicer to Starsky, mostly when he was intoxicated.

   Starsky was at a loss of what to do for his friend. He missed Hutch so much and feared he may never get him back. He couldn't believe that Hutch left himself get into the state he was in. When Hutch went to the bathroom on one of Starsky's visits, his concern urged him to look around. He looked in the frig. It was almost empty but for a six pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes. He found Hutch's alcohol supply under the kitchen sink. He had the urge to dump it all down the drain when Hutch came up behind him and asked his partner what the hell he thought he was doing.

   "I'm concerned buddy. I'm scared for you...and for me...and for us! Why don't you have any food Hutch? And when did you start to smoke? Look at you! What the hell do you think you are doing? Hutch, you're gonna die if you keep this up. Has it ever occurred to you that I need you? I need you back! I need us back! I need my friend and not a freaking bottle! You need help buddy. Please let me help you."

   Hutch stood, holding onto the kitchen table for balance, closing his eyes for a moment, then quietly asked Starsky to leave and that he would call him if he needed anything.

   "Hutch. Please don't do this. I love you buddy, but I don't know who you are anymore."

   Starsky walked past Hutch and out the door. He got in his car and slammed his palms into the steering wheel. He took one last look up at the outside of Hutch's apartment and tore off with tears in his eyes. He felt so alone and abandoned. He didn't know who to turn to. He always turned to Hutch with everything and now he was not there for him. At this moment he loved Hutch and hated him at the same time. He hated the freaking alcohol. He had to do something, but had no idea what.

   Starsky stopped in at Huggy's to unwind and he needed someone to talk to. He was only there 15 minutes when the phone rang. It was captain Dobey.

   "Starsky, you better get over to Hutch's right away!" Panic tore through him. He was afraid to ask why but knew he had to. "What's wrong Cap't?"

   Dobey replied, "Starsky, Hutch's apartment building is on fire."

~~~~~~~~

   Huggy drove Starsky back to Venice Place as he was in no condition to be behind the wheel now. He could see the smoke from a block away. My God...Please leave him be ok...I shouldn't have left him...especially the way I did...Oh God... Starsky was frantic with worry.

   The fire was out by the time Starsky arrived back at Hutch's place. He saw the firemen escorting people out of the building. Before anyone could stop him, Starsky was on his way to his partner's apartment. The door was jammed. Starsky swore and kicked it in. He found his partner lying on the bedroom floor, semiconscious.

   "Starsky, I tried to eat like you told me. I put a TV dinner in the oven and ...I don't know... I think I passed out. I don't even think I set the temperature right."

   Starsky wet a cloth and smoothed it over his partner's smoke covered face. He took a quick look around and saw what happened. Hutch had put the TV dinner in the oven, but turned the top of the stove on which had towels and a bag of chips on it.

   Luckily there was no damage to the other apartments and no one was seriously hurt. Hutch was taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation. Starsky could not help but think that this may be a blessing in disguise. He rode in the ambulance with his partner.

   Hutch was shaking pretty bad by now and was sweating. He was scared.

   "Oh my God Starsky! Did I hurt anyone?"

   "No buddy, the only damage was to your apartment. Everyone else was evacuated due to the smoke. You're gonna be ok too pal."

   "Thank God...I couldn't take hurting anybody else." Hutch began to sob.

   "Hutch, you didn't hurt anyone! Not today and not at that bank. How can I make you believe that buddy?"

   Hutch looked up at Starsky and continued to cry harder. Starsky held onto his partner tightly. He was glad that he was finally showing some emotion. These tears have been building for a long time he thought. "It's ok buddy, you need to get this out. I'm right here and I'm gonna help you if you'll let me."

   Hutch gave a weak smile and said, "I just want to sleep now ok?" Hutch turned his head away from Starsky and closed his eyes.

   Starsky stayed by Hutch's side throughout the night. He didn't care if Hutch did object, he was not leaving him. He didn't try to make Hutch talk about it. He knew it would just upset him and he knew his partner was on the edge as it was.

   Starsky woke in the early AM as he heard his partner mumbling. Hutch was in a restless sleep and seemed to be having a bad dream. He woke his friend. "Hey buddy...wake up. Come on...wake up for me." Hutch woke. He was trembling fiercely. There was a look of terror in his eyes.

   "Get um away from me! Starsky...get um away from me!!!" Hutch was screaming and swatting at the air. "Stop that noise...it's hurting my ears." Hutch continued to scream and sobbed as he then held his hands over his ears. "Please help me! Please!" Hutch was now hysterical.

   "Hutch... Hey Hutch...it's ok...it's ok...there's nothing gonna get you here and there's no noise. Calm down...come on babe...calm down." Starsky was beside himself. He didn't know what to do for his partner. He was scared and thankful for the flood of nurses and orderlies that ran into the room. The orderlies immediately grabbed Hutch's arms and legs and held him down while the nurses applied the leather restraints and yet another nurse sank a needle into his arm.

   "What's that you gave him?" asked Starsky who was now as pale as a ghost. He felt as thought he would be sick. "What's wrong with him?"

   The doctor arrived as Starsky's questions began.

   "Mr. Starsky, your friend is having DT's...delirium tremens, also called alcoholic hallucinations. We found a high level of alcohol in his blood stream, and from his exam I know his drinking did not just start.

~~~~~~~~

   Hutch was still screaming and fighting against the restraints. The doctor took Starsky into the hall. Starsky thought he would pass out. He never saw his friend so hysterical, so helpless, so desperate. He thought back to what Forrest did to his partner and the hell Hutch went through after he found him. "My God doc, what's gonna happen to him?" Starsky was now crying as he was so afraid for his partner and felt so powerless to help him. He told the Dr. about their ordeal at the bank and what happened with Hutch since that day.

   "Doc, he doesn't eat, he sits alone in the dark, he won't talk to me or anyone, the only thing he does is drink. He won't let me help him. We're always there for each other and...he wont' let me help him. I don't know what to do. I just want my partner back." Starsky was feeling so defeated.

   "Calm down Mr. Starsky."

   "Please call me Dave."

   "Listen son, we can help your friend. You can help your friend. We need to do an Intervention. I want to send Ken to a rehab for alcohol rehabilitation. He'll be there for about a month, longer if needed. Ken is in no condition to make this choice now and his denial would prevent him from doing so. He doesn't think he has a problem. Dave, he has a disease called alcoholism. He needs help. He needs all the support he can get as this won't be easy. From what I've heard about the two of you....he needs you."

   The doctor continued. "I want him moved to the Maxwell Foundation. We can move him today. I need your ok on this."

   Starsky looked into the room at his restrained partner who was struggling and crying weakly as the shot was taking affect. He knew Hutch could not go on like this anymore. "Yes. He needs help. I'll do whatever I can to help him. Tell me he's not dying doc."

   "No Dave, he is not dying now, but if he continues to drink, it will kill him."

   "No! He's not gonna die! I won't let him. I want him to get help as soon as possible. Can I ride with him to the rehab?"

   "Sure, it's ok son. He's going to need you. This won't be easy by any means for him, or for you."

   "I want to tell him where he is going". Starsky tried to compose himself. Hutch was awake but no longer screaming and struggling. He was softly crying. A look of relief came over his face as he saw Starsky coming toward him.

   "I'm so scared Starsk. Why won't they let me up?" Hutch must have forgotten about his recent behavior Starsky thought.

~~~~~~~~

   Starsky placed a hand one his partner's shoulder and stroked at his hair with the other as he told him that he was going to be moved to a place that could help him and that he was going to be there for him to help him get through it. Hutch was too drowsy and exhausted to fight, physically or verbally. He just looked into Starsky's eyes as he fell asleep.

   Hutch was admitted into the detox area of the rehab. He was given a physical examination by Dr. Larson, a doctor who had been on the staff at Maxwell for five years. Hutch slept through most of the exam as the med he was given at the hospital was still in effect. He just stirred a bit as the doctor examined the injury to Hutch's left leg.

   Dr. Larson went to meet Starsky in the waiting area. "Mr. Starsky...Dave, I am Dr. Larson. I have been assigned to your friends case. We're going to take good care of him here. If you want to, you can be a major part of his recovery. He is going to need a lot of support and it is vital that it comes from someone he trusts very much."

   "Doc, I'll do anything I can. I just want him to get better. I don't know what happened to him. One day we were at work discussing cases, going to lunch and kidding around and it was all taken away so suddenly. Doc, we're best friends and have known each other for years. He's never shut me out before. I don't...don't know how to handle this. I want...him back." Starsky was trying to be strong, but he too was exhausted and feeling so lost.

   "Dave, we are going to do our best. Ken is going to have to work very hard. He's going to have a very difficult time of it for the next 48 to 72 hours as he goes through withdrawal from the alcohol. He's gonna be sick." Oh God... Starsky thought of Hutch's ordeal with Forrest and the withdrawal from the heroin. He thought of how sick Hutch was, fearing he would lose him. "What happens doc?"

   "Well, we have your partner in the detox area. We will need to keep a very close eye on him for a while. Going through alcohol withdrawal can be devastating. We will be giving him Librium to help with the withdrawal. You can expect to see your partner being very sick physically with nausea, vomiting, shaking, perspiring and fever. Psychologically he will have an even harder time as the nightmares get bad. The hallucinations have no mercy for someone going through DT's. He may become very agitated, restless and even combative. Do not take anything he may say to you personally. People always seem to hurt the ones they love, the most. We will need to restrain him if it gets bad and will give him medication to relax him. It's not an easy thing to watch someone you love got through this. Starsky knew that all too well. Will you be ok if we allow you to stay with him?"

   Starsky's face was pale and he was feeling lightheaded himself. "I'll be ok doc. When can we begin?"

   "We already have Dave." The doctor put a reassuring hand on Starsky's shoulder. "A lot of rehabs have the patient totally isolated from friends and family during the detox period. Does he have any family that should be notified?"

   "I am his family doc, and he is mine. We have each other. There is no one else I want to call except our Captain and a friend we call Huggy."

   "We have found it beneficial to have someone close to the patient be with them. You will have to let us do our job though Dave and not interfere even if you don't agree with our methods...because they work."

   Starsky was lead down a long corridor, where the doctor unlocked the door to Hutch's room. Hutch was becoming more alert as the meds were wearing off. He tried to get up but could not as the restraints stopped him.

~~~~~~~~

   Starsky went to his partner's side. "Hey buddy." He just looked into Hutch's eyes and smiled.

   "My head hurts Starsk. Where am I"?

   "It's ok buddy, you're at the Maxwell foundation...it's a rehab to help you get better."

   "There's nothing wrong with me, I don't need to be here." Hutch struggled to get up again.

   Hutch did not remember being so combative or the hallucinations.

   "Hutch, I want you to meet Dr. Larson. He's gonna help you, but you need to let him buddy."

   "I don't need a doctor. What is happening!" Hutch started sobbing. "Why won't you let me up!"

   Dr. Larson spoke to Hutch and reminded him of why he was there, that he needed to cooperate and that they were going to help him.

   "I don't need help. Please let me go...please."

   Hutch was getting agitated again as he demanded and begged that the restraints be removed. He told the Dr. he had to go to the bathroom, thinking that would get him out of the restraints. He was more than disappointed when an orderly came back with a urinal.

   "NO! I won't use that! I want to get up now dammit! NOW! Starsky, make um take these off!" Hutch demanded as he struggled to get free. His voice was hoarse from yelling. Starsky stroked Hutch's forehead.

   "Not now buddy. Just try to relax."

   It was not long after the Dr. left the room that a nurse came in. Starsky was still trying to comprehend his partner's behavior and felt so helpless. He kept trying to calm his friend. He hated it that he could not do as Hutch requested. He realized that this must be what they call "tough love".

   The orderly held Hutch down more securely and turned him a bit as the nurse injected another sedative. Hutch just cried. He stopped struggling after the nurse was finished. Starsky was now alone with his partner. He had to do something to help him but what he thought. Hutch seemed suddenly so defeated and continued to sob with his eyes closed.

   "Hutch. Don't give up babe. It's gonna be ok I promise. I'm not going to let you push me away this time. Buddy, you need to start talking about this." Starsky took Hutch's hand in his and to his surprise his partner returned the grip.

   "I'm sorry Starsk. I don't know what's happening to me and I feel like such a mess. You don't have to stay Starsk."

   "Buddy, I'm staying. You're stuck with me ok?" Starsky winked at his friend.

~~~~~~~~

   The nurses brought juice for Hutch to drink as his blood sugar was low due to not eating. He got only a couple swallows down before he said "no more...I'm gonna be sick." The nurse held the basin for Hutch as his stomach emptied itself.

   Hutch had become severely weak and frail. He was dreadfully thin, his ribs were totally visible and he looked a bit emaciated with dark circles under his eyes. He rarely if ever was able to stop the tremors. The nightmares and hallucinations continued to be pretty severe for the next couple days. He went from panic to an almost catatonic state and continued to be restless and even combative at times. The restraints were removed when Hutch was more calm, but quickly replaced as his emotions and anger took over more strongly.

   Nearing the end of the 72 hours in detox, Hutch had quieted down. He wasn't getting sick nearly as much. The hallucinations stopped although the nightmares still plagued him. He no longer needed to be restrained.

   Starsky was giving 110% to his partner. He was determined to get his partner back.

   Hutch was moved out of detox to the treatment center. Dr. Larson informed Starsky that Hutch would need to handle this next step of his treatment without him. He would be allowed to visit him on the weekend.

   He did not like the idea of leaving his partner alone for days, but he knew it was part of his getting better. He knew this would be difficult as Dr. Larson told him about the intense individual and group therapy that Hutch was about to begin.

   "Can I call him doc?"

   "No Dave. We need to work with him alone without any distractions for a while. You can call me anytime and I'll let you know how he is doing and if need be, I'll call you."

   Starsky nodded in understanding and went to say good-bye to his partner. He found him sitting on the edge of his bed, rocking slowly, looking down.

   "Hutch... I have to go. They're gonna be keeping you pretty busy here. I'm not far away and if you really need me, Dr. Larson said he would call."

   "Starsky, don't go. I'm still so scared." Hutch reached for his partner with shaking arms. Starsky held his friend close.

   "You can do this Hutch. I'm not that far away. You're gonna get better here buddy. I know you can't feel it now, but things are going to be ok.... I have to go now." Starsky smiled reassuringly at his partner then left the room.

   Starsky stood outside in the hall for a few moments trying to hold back the tears. He felt like he was abandoning his friend. He just wanted to run back into the room and take Hutch away from all the torment and sadness his partner was experiencing. He had to be strong about this...for Hutch's sake.

~~~~~~~~

   A social worker saw Starsky standing, looking forlorn with tears on his cheeks. She saw this many times with family and friends of the patients.

   "Hi, I'm Libby, one of the social workers here at Maxwell." She extended a hand to Starsky.

   Starsky felt ashamed that he was caught crying and wiped the tears away before extending his hand to her.

   "Hi Libby, I'm Dave." Starsky said in a sad low voice.

   "That your friend in there?" Libby pointed toward the door of Hutch's room.

   "Yeah, my best friend." Starsky was still working on his composure.

   "I know how you are feeling. Why don't you walk with me and we'll talk?"

   If Starsky ever needed someone understanding to talk to it was now. Libby explained how alcoholism not only affects its victim but also severely affects those who care about them. She also recommended several books for Starsky to read on this subject and asked him to attend a support group for the family and friends of their patients at Maxwell.

   The next day Hutch began group therapy. He didn't want to listen to the other's stories, fears and experiences. He just wanted it to be over so he could go back to his room.

   "Mr. Hutchinson. Why don't you tell us why you're here?" The therapist wanted to get him involved and open him up.

   "I don't know. I don't belong here!"

   The other patients joined in and in a teasing type way said they don't belong there either, that they were there for lack of something better to do and they didn't need help either. One man told Hutch that he had to admit he has a problem, that it is the first step toward recovery. Another encouraged him to talk about his childhood...what happened to build up to where he was now. Yet another told him he had to admit he was an "alcoholic."

   After a couple days of this, Hutch lost his patience with the group and the therapist. Hutch lunged at a man who made insinuations about abuse that he was sure Hutch endured as a child. It took three men to get Hutch off of the man.

~~~~~~~~

   Hutch once again woke to find himself in four point restraints and groggy from something they must have given him.

   The therapist came into Hutch's room. They exchanged looks. The therapist began to speak. "Hutchinson...is this what you want? You like being tied down huh? You need to give it up man! You do have a problem, a disease, it's called alcoholism. The sooner you admit to it, the sooner you'll be getting back to your life." The therapist put a hand on Hutch's shoulder, then turned to leave.

   "Wait!" Hutch pleaded. "I don't know what I am supposed to do. What I'm supposed to say. Why do I have to relive what happened when I was a kid? I was never a kid! My father made sure of that. I had to be perfect. Anything less than perfect I was punished for. Sometimes I think that man had no mercy. His favorite tools were the belt or a piece of wood that he drilled holes into. Oh God it hurt so much. I don't think he realized I was only a kid. He would use the belt or the paddle on my back, behind and legs where no-one could see. I learned to sleep on my stomach a lot cause it hurt so much. I remember days when I couldn't even sit on the chairs at school cause it hurt so bad. Of course I had no choice. It was horrible and I knew if I got anything less than an "A"...he'd just hit me again. I was so afraid of him and I couldn't tell anyone. To everyone else he seemed to be a nice man, well known in the community and on the outside he acted like a wonderful father. He was really good at humiliation too. He'd punish me even if I had friends over, sometimes right in front of them. I stopped inviting friends to my house." Hutch was sobbing by now and trying to catch his breathe. "Then there was the dinner game. So many times I sent to my room with no dinner. Other times I'd have to sit at the table till I finished something he knew made me sick. I remember sitting there all night one time. I fell asleep in the chair. I couldn't eat it. He pulled my head back with my hair, slapped my face hard and told me to eat the food now or I'd get the worst beating I ever endured. I forced it down...I was so afraid of him. I threw it up right on the floor. This seemed to anger him even more. He made me clean it up and then sent me to my room. I hated him for it...I just hated him!!! I swore that I would do anything I could to protect children from that point on. When I couldn't save those kids in the bank I lost it. I was supposed to be able to help them. They trusted me"

   Hutch was sobbing uncontrollably now. "I don't understand why he seemed to hate me so much. I was a good kid. I wanted him to love me...and...he never did. I tried so hard."

   Mark, Hutch's therapist, wiped at Hutch's tears with a tissue. "It's ok Ken. Well, it's not ok. What your father did to you was very wrong, but you've made a start." Mark gave Hutch a reassuring smile. "We're gonna talk more about this. For now I want you to get some rest."

   Hutch nodded "yes" as he continued to cry and feel the pain of remembering such things. It hurt him now as if it only happened yesterday.

~~~~~~~~

   The next day Hutch returned to the group. He sat away from the others against the wall. This time he listened. He realized that he was not so different from them. He felt their pain, and felt less alone than he had for a while.

   As the therapy continued Hutch began to open up. He started to remember a lot of things that he had repressed because it was just too painful. He got to know and love the others in the group. They accepted him just as he was. He was missing Starsky desperately though and could not wait to see him.

   Hutch was sitting in the lobby when Starsky arrived. He stood and watched as his partner came closer. They embraced each other and held on for a long time. They had both missed each other so much. Starsky began to feel the Hutch he knew returning to him. He held his partner at arms length to get a good look at him, then hugged him again.

   "It's good to see you buddy."

   "Oh Starsk, it's good to see you too. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, why don't we get out of here so we can talk?"

   They walked the grounds of the rehab. Hutch had a lot to tell Starsky about his week and he desperately wanted to apologize to his best friend for hurting him so badly with his behavior. He was so sorry. He wondered if Starsky could forgive him. Hutch desperately wanted the closeness he and Starsky shared back. He had no reason to be afraid as Starsky longed for the same. They walked and talked for hours. Starsky told his partner about all of the books he read and all he learned about the disease on how to deal with it for its victim and for those who genuinely cared about them.

   "Hutch, we're gonna do ok with this."

   Hutch felt comfort as he once again heard the word 'we' from his partner. For the first time in a long time he felt like things just might be ok. He had hope, something he thought was gone for good.

   "Starsky? Next Thursday night is family night. There's gonna be a big AA meeting. Do you think you could come?"

   "Of course buddy. I wouldn't miss it and you are my family...I'll definitely be there."

   "Starsky, you're my family too. Actually, I consider you my only family. I love you Starsk. I would never have gotten through this without you. I now I was...I was horrible to be around and you never gave up on me." Hutch had tears in his eyes. "You saved my life buddy. I don't know how to thank you."

   "You just get better blondie, that's all I want."

   The weekend went fast for both of them. Hutch continued to work hard with the group. He never knew the damage that had been done to him as a child could be so powerful in his life now. He knew he had to 'feel' the anger and the pain that he was left with and also learned that in order to really get his life back, he had to forgive. Forgive the man who literally tortured him for so many years when he was too young to defend himself. Most of all he needed to forgive himself. He had been punishing himself for years for things that were out of his control. Blaming himself for things he'd never done. He knew this would be difficult and thanked God he had his best friend, who he knew had enough love for both of them till he could find it in his heart to love himself.

~~~~~~~~

   Thursday night finally arrived. Hutch was so glad to his partner once again as Starsky was in return overjoyed to see his. Hutch wondered what he ever did to deserve such a friend, such love. He silently thanked God once again.

   The meeting began in the smoke filled auditorium. It was a good meeting, a lot of good words said, a lot of truth and a lot of emotion.

   The meeting was soon to come to an end as Hutch went to the podium and announced himself.

   "My name is Ken...Hutch...peop...people I know call me Hutch."

   Hutch suddenly seemed frightened as the room grew silent. He looked up to see Starsky's eyes planted on his own. Starsky smiled and gave a nod of 'yes, go on buddy, you can do it and I am right here with you.' Hutch absorbed the courage and strength his partner was able to relay to him. He gathered his breath and was able to go on.

   "My name is Hutch." He looked at Starsky once more who winked at him as if to say, I love you Hutch, you can do this babe...go on.

   Hutch began to share his story with the large crowd that was gathered together to share their own experiences, strength and hope. He went through a bit of his childhood then onto growing up. He talked about the shame and guilt that so often plagued him and talked about forgiveness. He then focused his eyes upon his partner's and went on with his speech.

   "I know I have hurt a lot of people because of my actions and anger toward myself."

   Both Starsky and Hutch knew this had now become a personal conversation between the two of them. Starsky's eyes began to fill with tears, never taking them off of his partner's who were doing the same.

   "I am one of the lucky ones." Hutch grinned. " I've been fortunate to have been given a wonderful friend, the best friend any man could ask for. He stood by me when I could not stand by myself. I was pretty mean and said some really nasty things to him, things I hated myself for saying. I didn't know how to take those words back at the time. I was never angry with him, I was angry with myself. The more I needed him, the more I pushed him away. God that hurt, and I now know that I probably hurt him more than myself. I'm so sorry for what I've done."

   Both Starsky and Hutch now had tears streaming down their face. There was not a dry eye in the crowd...there was only love and understanding.

   Hutch ended his speech with, "I really am so lucky and hope to God I have not destroyed my friends trust and faith in me. I've learned so much about life and love and how important it is to believe in yourself. Life really is worth living, especially when you have someone who really believes in you...sometimes more than you believe in yourself."

   Hutch left the podium and was met by his partner and best friend in an embrace that told him that he had not lost anything that he and Starsky had built between them, but possibly gained even more.

   Hutch's support group knew how hard this was for him and started a standing ovation as the feelings he left them with were so sincere and electric.

THE END