Kathy Kellenberger

Nothing I must do…
Nowhere I must be…
No one in my life…
To answer to but me.

   He sat on the sand, looking out into the sunset over the sparkling water and waves. It could have been a beautiful scene under different circumstances, but it was not, and never would be again for Detective Kenneth Hutchinson. He watched and listened as the waves rolled in and out, his longer blond hair sticking to the tears on his face as the ocean breeze and the rest of the world went on as usual.

   It had now been three weeks since he and Starsky spent their last day together. Who would ever have thought that a day full of sunshine and escape to their favorite spot at the beach would end in such disaster. They spent most of the day just taking in the rays, talking, laughing, napping and being content to have the day off and to have each other. Starsky went into the water first, Hutch feeling tired just watched his playful partner dive into the waves over and over again.

   C'mon Hutch…get in here…water feels great…not too cold. Get off that lazy butt of yours and come in.

   If only he would have listened to his energetic partner…if only, maybe today would be different. Maybe the sun would still shine, the birds would still sing, the world would still have meaning and color. His world now held no meaning, no enthusiasm, no life, only an emptiness that burned through his heart and soul…his entire being.

No more candlelight…
No more purple skies…
No one to be near…
As my heart slowly dies.

   Hutch watched the little boy come out in his friend, wondering where he got all of his energy. It really was a beautiful day. Hutch unconsciously thanked God for all of the gifts he had been given, including this day off and most importantly, for his partner and best friend David Michael Starsky. He laid back onto the quilt and closed his eyes, mustering up the energy to "get his butt" into the water and join the little kid that kept calling to him, making snide remarks and laughing.

   Just a minute Starsk…I'll be in soon…just give me a minute you silly kid you….

   It took less than a minute for Hutch to fall asleep under the warm sunshine, on the comfortable quilt, the ocean smells, listening to the seagulls. He faded out listening to Starsky's continued beckoning for some company in the water. It was a good day.

~~~~~~

   Hutch woke with a start, feeling something was terribly wrong. He felt empty, realizing he was alone. How long did he sleep? And where was Starsky? Where the hell was his partner!!!

   STARSKY!

   The beach was deserted now and so were the waves. His partner was gone. Starsky's towel was dry and untouched…he never got out of the water. The sun was setting, telling Hutch that he must have slept for hours. He dove into the water in search of his friend, screaming his name over and over, plunging into the waves time after time after time, finding nothing. Unable to go on he ran to the car and screamed into the radio for help before going back into the water once more in search of the other half of his heart.    

If I could hold you one more time…
Like in the days when you were mine…
I'd look at you till love was blind…
So you would stay.

   The beach was now crawling with police and a rescue team. They searched for hours, into the night until they could no longer see and had to stop. The search was futile, Starsky was gone…probably drown is what they told him, captain Dobey was there and Huggy who had wrapped a blanket around a defeated, trembling Hutch, putting an arm around him for support and to hold him up. Hutch was in shock. He didn't…couldn't hear Huggy, Dobey…he only heard Starsky calling him into the water. He did hear the rescue captain tell him they were ending the search… the undertow was bad…body probably taken out to sea…sorry for your loss.

   The funeral was small, just close friends, fellow officers, Mrs. Starsky and a picture of Officer David Michael Starsky, as the body was never found. It was so final. Condolences were offered, flowers everywhere, a eulogy given by captain Dobey. It was the first time Hutch had ever seen his superior cry. There were many tears, words of comfort, and a tall very lost and distraught blond man unable to take his eyes off of the picture of the dead man whom he loved so much. He looked into that picture for what seemed like hours, not noticing much else. Hutch felt Starsky was with him somehow and felt his presence as the eyes in the picture and the eyes of the blond did not part. Huggy had to help Hutch out of the church , but not before Hutch spent some time at the alter, silently talking to his friend. He sank to his knees, not wanting to let go.

   Hutch's life became hollow. He took a leave of absence from work, not intending on ever going back. He slept when he could, ate when he had to and was functioning at the barest minimum of existence. He would look at the phone, thinking of how often Starsky used to call him to talk or for no reason at all but to know his friend was close. It became too painful to watch sports or movies on TV that he used to watch with his partner. If he only had one more time to enjoy these small things with his friend. Life was draining slowly from the lonely, grief stricken blond. He now sat in the dark, no more TV, no more playing his guitar, no more pizza's or Monopoly games, no more comfort...alone. Darkness and silence were his only companions now. His eyes no longer sparkled, he no longer smiled. His emotions became limited to grief, despair, crying, sobbing and remembering. He was dying a slow and agonizing death called loneliness and he no longer cared.

   Huggy and captain Dobey were very concerned about their failing friend, but they were not surprised. Both knew that one would not last long without the other. They did their best, but Hutch's apathy continued.    

I'd say a prayer each time you smiled…
Love each moment like a child…
I'd stop the world if only
I could hold you one more time.

   It was a rare occurrence for Hutch to leave his apartment, but he wanted to feel close to Starsky, he had to be closer to him. He left his dark apartment and went to the beach, finding himself on the sand, staring into the ocean where his friend had disappeared.

   Starsky can you hear me? I'm sorry…I let you down buddy, I should have gone into the water with you…I should have been there for you…I should have been there to save you. Did you call for me? Did you yell for help and I didn't hear you? Were you scared? I know you must have been scared. What happened buddy, you were such a good swimmer. I miss you Starsk. I miss you so much. There's nothing left for me now. I called your ma last night, she's doing as well as you could expect. Don't worry Starsk, I'll look after her for you. I know Nick won't, and I know how much you loved her. I started calling her every week at the same time you used to call her. I hope that's okay Starsk. It just feels right. It feels like you're there. I've been keeping up the rent on your apartment…I just can't let it go…its so you, and I'm taking care of your car, don't worry. Oh God Starsk, if we only had one more time together…I'd cherish each moment…this is just so damn hard. I don't think I can do it Starsk. God I miss you.

   Hutch wrapped his arms tightly around his drawn up knees and let his head sink onto them. Feeling, wishing and remembering. Listening to the ocean that took his friend away from him.

I've memorized your face…
I know you touched my heart…
The love in your embrace…
I dream of where you are.

~~~~~~

   "Hutch! Hutch? Son, can you hear me?"

   Captain Dobey found Hutch asleep on the sand.

   "Hutch, wake up son…we've found him! Hutch…Starsky is alive!"

   Hutch didn't want to open his eyes. Was he having another nightmare…another hope? Reluctantly he did open his eyes and looked up to see his captain looking down at him.

   "What? How'd you find me captain? Why are you here?"

   "It's Starsky, he's alive Hutch. He must have been taken away with the current. Luckily there was a boat...they found him floating and the skipper knew CPR. Starsky has been in a hospital down in Redondo Beach. He was unconscious for a long time. He woke up last night. The doctors and nurses say he's been calling for you. He needs you Hutch. They apologized for not contacting us sooner, but Starsky had no identification on him. They didn't know who he was. C'mon son, lets get you to him."

~~~~~~

   Hutch walked into Starsky's hospital room…their eyes met…no words were needed. Arms locked around each other, absorbing each other's tears, taking in the love emanating from the other. They had received what they needed…One More Time.

"One More Time"
Lyrics by Richard Marx and Laura Pausini

THE END