Hush now don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in you're head.
           Queensryche

   Starsky's POV

   What's going on?

   She's dead Hutch...Grossman killed her.

   God, I didn't know how I was gonna tell Hutch that the woman he loved with all of his heart and soul was dead. Killed. Murdered.

   I should have seen it coming and maybe could have even prevented it. All of this signs were there. They were so damn clear. Could things have been different if I had acted sooner? Maybe. I just didn't want to hurt my friend, but I was gonna tell him if she didn't. She never had a chance...so I had to.

   I knew he loved her, but I misjudged a bit on just how much. Looking back I realize that I had not seen Hutch so happy in a long time, such a smile, such love. The kind of love that you feel once in a lifetime if you are among the lucky. I had my chance...I know.

   Hutch knelt beside Gillian and cried like I had never seen him cry before. His universe had just been shattered along with his heart. I wanted to help him but knew that no one could fill the void of a lost love and this was so final. It was death, Gillian's and in part Hutch's. I could only be there for him and love him enough for both of us till he could see the sun again and pick up the pieces. He would not have to do it alone. I didn't. Hutch was there for me all the way and I know I would have died without him. There were times that I considered leaving this earth to find her, but Hutch would never let me do that and because of him, I didn't want to.

   He cried and held onto Gillian's body and cried some more. Yeah, he hit me, but I knew he didn't mean it, he was so lost. We usually do take things out on those who are closest to us. Why? I don't know. Maybe because we know deep down that they won't leave them no matter what. I would have let him hit me again and again if it would have helped his pain, but it wouldn't. Only time and lots of love would help his heart to mend. It was gonna take some time, and I'd give him all of the love.

   The scene at the theater was both repulsive and humiliating for my friend. Seeing Gillian in action on the movie screen was too much. I thought he would crack. But he didn't. God love him, he made it through, did what he had to do and didn't let his feelings get in the way even once. Personally I would have wanted to kill Grossman and I am sure Hutch did too, but he didn't. Hutch is a good cop, the best. It was after we left the theatre that I began to worry about my partner. He was shutting down. I think he was in shock initially, but his spirit had been broken, his heart dismantled.

   Its all my fault Starsk. Grossman knew I was a cop. A couple times Gillian tried to tell me something, but I was to focused on loving her and being happy to listen. If I only would have listened Starsky she wouldn't be dead! Damn it! Why didn't Grossman just kill me? Why did he have to kill her?

   Hutch, stop talking like that. This was not your fault.

   It broke my heart to see my partner falling apart like this and what hurt even more was that I couldn't stop his pain. I couldn't make this one better.

   Hutch insisted on going home to his apartment that night. I agreed, but only on the condition that I would stay with him. He agreed. It was a long night. He cried. I held him. He had nightmares. I woke him and held him some more. We both dozed off here and there, but not for long. I could see my partner slipping away into a place where even I could not reach him. The next morning he told me he needed some time alone and would call if he needed me. I made him promise. I was uncomfortable leaving him, but knew he needed some time to sort things out. God how I wanted to do something, anything to help him. He was in so much agony.

   I called him. He said he was okay and still needed some time. I desperately wanted to be with him. He said he needed more time. He was pushing me away, not intentionally, but he was hurting. His dream had died and I knew his spirit was dying along with the dream.

   He answered the phone less. Didn't call me. Didn't call Huggy or Dobey. He was sinking. After four days I couldn't stay away any longer. He didn't answer his phone or his door, so I let myself into his apartment. I didn't care if he got angry with me. I had to know that he was okay. I knew he wasn't.

   Hutch? No answer. No dirty dishes in the sink, he had not been eating. His plants were wilting, they had not been watered. Everything was as it was when I left four days earlier. Then I found him. He was lying so still in his bed. He had not even changed clothing since I last saw him. I don't think he even moved since that night.

   Hutch! Buddy...look at me! He was lying in his bed, half dazed, thin, dehydrated and I found a bottle of pain killers on his bedside table. Seconal, it was a barbiturate. I remembered the doctor giving them to him for his back when the pain was so bad that he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't take them then...still afraid of addiction. He was using them now. He didn't care anymore. The cap was off of the bottle and all of the pills were gone. I wasn't sure if he was taking them over the last four days, or if he just took all of them together. My instincts and his symptoms told me that he took all of them at one time, recently. I smacked at his face to wake him, unsuccessfully.

   Hutch! Wake up damn it! Don't do this to me! What the hell did you do buddy!

   I knew I should have been there, and I'll probably never forgive myself for not staying with him. I should have insisted, but my partner can be so stubborn. He was nearly unresponsive, he only moaned slightly when I shook him. His face was flushed, pulse was slow and his pupils were dilated and were reacting very sluggishly to light. Hutch had overdosed on the damn pills. Near as I could figure, he might have taken them no more than a few hours ago. I pulled him up and drug him into the bathroom. I forced him to drink Alka-Seltzer. Its all I could think of at the time. I knew he hated it, but I knew it would make him throw up. It did. I would give him royal hell later, but I just wanted to save my friends life right now. He heaved and heaved. I forced more Alka-Seltzer into him. He tried to fight me, which was a good sign, at least he was coming around. I stayed with him until he had nothing left in his stomach and then sat him at the kitchen table while I made some coffee... Lots of coffee.

   Hutch...listen to me! Wake up! You need to wake up so I can kick your ass.

   I didn't want to be yelling at him. He was obviously in so much pain as it was. But now I was too! I was not going to lose my partner, my best friend, over some girl, hooker, prostitute or whatever the hell you want to call her. She just was not worth it! I poured the coffee into my partner until he was once again vomiting. I walked him around the apartment to wake him up. His knees kept buckling and his head was falling forward, but I was not gonna let him fall back into a sleep. I wasn't sure he would wake up if I did. He finally seemed to be coming around.

   Starsky? It was but a mere whisper.

   He was crying again. I was glad to see some kind of reaction.

   I'm sorry Starsk. I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't take the pills to kill myself, I just wanted to pain to go away. Please believe me Starsky. I felt like I killed her. That she died because of me. Cause I was a cop and Grossman found out. If I did that, then I don't deserve.....well, I miss her...Oh God Starsky, I miss her.

   I know. I know buddy. We're gonna work this out. You're gonna get some counseling outside of town, privately. I don't know what drove you over the edge like that, but even a girl is not worth your life. Our life buddy. No one but you and I need to know about what happened here today. I'll be with you all the way, but don't ever do something so damn stupid again. Do you understand me Hutch? You've always trusted me in the past, you gotta trust me now.

   Hutch was sorry for his actions. He went to the counselor twice a week for a while. I went with him. He began to feel better. The pain was still there, but it was becoming less and he was so ashamed and remorseful for what had happened. I knew he would never try something like that again, even if it was accidental. We had a lot of talking to do to sort things out.

   Its only in being truly honest with ourselves that we can find true happiness and only we have ultimate control over our lives. Either we rule the world, or the world will rule us. Hutch and I had many long talks after that and he once again opened up the door he had shut...had slammed in his face. It took time, but Hutch began to laugh again. My friend was back and

   I was never letting him go again.

   We were gonna be okay.

There's a place I like to hide
A doorway to run through in the night
Relax child you were there
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the tears
and....
I will be watching over you,
I'm gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you....in Silent Lucidity
            Queensryche

THE END