DISCLAIMER: Written for entertainment only - not meant to infringe on rights held to Starsky & Hutch.
NOTE: Pre-slash. 
Comments about this story can be sent to mariodee94@yahoo.com

Heart to Heart at Huggy’s

by 

Marlene S.

   Sharply dressed in a red satin shirt and tight black jeans, Huggy sauntered over to a booth at the back of the Pits. He put on a bright smile and leaned over in front of the blond man sitting there.

   "You wan’ another beer, my friend?"

   Hutch looked up at him with a blank look. His gaze went to the empty glass in front of him, then back to Huggy. "Uh, no thanks, Hug. I’m fine."

   "Well, that’s a matter of opinion, if ya ask me." When he didn’t receive a response to his joke, he added, "Can’t have ya sittin’ here takin’ up space and not spendin’ any of that green stuff."

   Hutch was just staring into space as if he’d forgotten Huggy was even there. After a look around the nearly empty bar, Huggy decided this particular customer could use some extra attention. He slid into the booth across from his friend. "C’mon, Hutch, what’s eatin’ you, man?"

   Hutch focused on him then, and shook his head. "Nothing. I’ll be okay," he said, knowing it was a lie.

   "Where’s Starsky?" Intuition was definitely one of Huggy’s strong points.

   Hutch’s face clouded over even more so, if that was possible. He picked at the label on the empty beer bottle in front of him and didn’t say anything for a long time. But Huggy was a patient man – he just waited.

   Finally, Hutch said very quietly, "He asked for a new partner."

   "What?"

   "He requested a new partner this afternoon," Hutch said more clearly this time.

   "Yeah, I heard ya, man. Why would he go and do somethin’ like that?"

   Hutch just shrugged.

   "Somethin’ to do with that blond beauty in here yesterday?

   Hutch sighed and then nodded.

   "Looked to me like you two made up?"

   Hutch had thought so too, but . . .

   "Just because of that little show in there, don’t think that means I’m done bein’ mad at you." Starsky’s words yesterday after they had walked out on Kira at the Pits.

   Hutch had wanted to ask if he was "done being mad" at Kira, but Starsky was in his car and driving away before he could ask. Seemed like Kira was getting off pretty easy, but then again, she didn’t have the history he and Starsky had together. It only made sense that Starsky would expect more from his best friend than from a girlfriend he’d only known a month.

   Of course, it wasn’t even really about Kira anymore. Maybe it never had been. Hutch knew that Starsky was angry because he felt betrayed.

   "He says he can’t trust me. Can’t be partners, if he doesn’t trust me." After a pause, Hutch sighed again. "I guess he’s right."

   "That’s nuts, and you know it," Huggy said slapping his hand loudly against the table. "If he can’t trust you, he can’t trust nobody."

   Hutch looked a bit startled by the sound, or maybe by the compliment. Finally, he said quietly, "I fucked up one too many times with him, Huggy."

   "You make it sound like ya killed somebody."

   Hutch didn’t answer, but the look on his face said he might as well have.

   "Hutch, . . . " Huggy leaned over the table a little and put a hand on Hutch’s arm. "man, you made a mistake. Everybody does sometimes. That don’t make you a bad partner. Hell, he can’t ask for no better."

   Hutch still didn’t say anything.

   "After he thinks about it, I’m sure Starsk’ll see it that way too. Give ’im some time. He’ll come around."

   "I don’t think so, Huggy."

   They sat it silence for a few minutes, Huggy’s hand still on Hutch’s arm.

   "What did Dobey say?" Huggy said finally, trying a change in subject.

********

   That is, until he saw Starsky standing to the far side of the office, his jaw set in a determined scowl. He didn’t even turn around when Hutch came in. Something about the body language – or maybe it was that sixth sense they seem to have between them – told Hutch that something major was going down.

   He pulled his eyes away from his partner to look at the paper and felt like someone had punched him in the stomach as the words "Request for Reassignment" jumped off the page. Starsky’s signature was at the bottom. Hutch's stomach was turning and he thought he might be sick right there in the office. He could feel the blood drain from his face and suddenly felt light-headed. His knees nearly gave out before he could sit – or "fall" may be a more accurate description – into the chair behind him.

********

   "He was pissed," Hutch said in answer to Huggy’s question. "Said we were acting like children and put us on desk duty for a week. He wants us to think about it ‘long and hard’ because, as he says, he isn’t going to ‘play musical partners – it’ll be a permanent decision’."

   Huggy’s estimation of Dobey went up another notch, "Smart man," he mumbled.

   Hutch didn’t hear – or chose to ignore the mumble – and continued. "He wants to talk to us individually in a couple days. Says we both have to agree to a change, or he’ll send us to the department psychiatrist to work it out."

   Huggy smirked a little at what he imagined Starsky’s reaction had been to that. Out loud he just said, "In other words, he’s givin’ you a choice in it, too?"

   Hutch clinked the bottle against the table in exasperation, "What real choice do I have, Huggy? If he wants a new partner, I can’t very well go against him on it."

   "Why not?"

   Hutch looked at him for a long minute as if that thought would never have occurred to him. Finally though, he just shook his head, looking defeated.

   Huggy patted Hutch’s arm where his hand was still resting and asked softly, "How long you guys been together?"

   Hutch shook his head again, and blinked a couple times. Huggy thought he might start crying, but he just answered in a husky voice. "Almost eight years as partners."

   "And even before that, you were friends."

   "We met at the academy."

   "Yeah, I remember when he first tol’ me ‘bout you.’"

   "I’ll bet."

   "You say that like ya didn’t hit it off so good?" Huggy said, a bit puzzled, since he didn’t remember it that way at all.

   "No, it wasn’t that." Hutch said with a faraway look. "We got along pretty well right from the start. We didn’t even argue much." Like we do now. "It was just . . . we were so different."

   "I remember when I first met him. We were assigned as roommates. He was in the room, unpacking, when I got there. He stopped what he was doing, came right up to me, . . . so close, I took a step backwards and nearly tripped over my own feet." Hutch blushed slightly at his own clumsiness. "Then he introduced himself and reached out to shake my hand. When I put out my hand, he took it with both of his . . ."

********

   "Hutchinson, that’s a mouthful. You need a nickname." Starsky turned back to his haphazard unpacking, trying out various goofy nicknames while Ken wondered what was wrong with using his first name. He didn’t say anything though. He didn’t have a chance – Starsky was still rambling twenty minutes later.

********

   Returning to the present, Hutch looked up at Huggy, "No one ever shook my hand like that – I mean he did it like he really meant it."

   "Sounds like Starsky. He’s always been like that – real intense, if you know what I mean?"

   "Yeah, he never does anything half-way."

   They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Huggy seemingly changed tracks again. "Talk about intense, you shoulda seen him after he came back from Nam," Huggy paused reflecting. "We used ta hang together before that. One day he came around tellin’ me he got drafted. Made it sound like a good thing. I mean, he really thought he was gonna go over there and make somethin’ happen – like it was gonna make a difference or somethin’."

   Huggy was quiet again for a few minutes. "But when he got back, . . . the guy I knew was gone. Not a kid anymore . He was real quiet too – sullen – ya know? Hardly said two words to me when I went to see him. He never did talk to me about it." Huggy paused again.

   "I lost touch with him again for awhile, but then all of a sudden, one day he looked me up. And he was back – the same old Starsky. Chattering on an’ on ‘bout how he was goin’ to the police academy. He was gonna be a cop like ‘is ol’ man. ‘Gonna make him proud of me,’ he says."

   Huggy looked up, and seeing that he still had Hutch’s full attention, he continued. "Still don’t really know how he came out of it, but that’s just the way he is. He bounces back, ya know."

   Hutch nodded but didn’t say anything. Huggy was right about that. Starsky was very sensitive and felt things very deeply. Sometimes, he would fall into his own little world for awhile because of the intensity of those feelings. But he wasn’t just burying the feelings like Hutch did. Instead, Starsky really let himself feel whatever it was. It was almost like he was studying the emotions and thereby dealing with them head on. Like he deals with everything. When he had things figured out, he’d come back. It was a resilience that Hutch envied.

   "He came by a few weeks later," Huggy continued, "but then all he talked about was you, man. He was talkin’ for ten minutes before I had a chance to ask ‘Who’s Hutch?’"

   Hutch looked back at the beer bottle, but Huggy thought he saw the corner of his mouth turn up for a second.

   "I was about ready to barf with all his talk about how smart you were and how so-phist-i-cated," he dragged the last word out sarcastically.

   The smile was definite now.

   "So I says to him, ‘Sounds kinda wimpy ta me,’ . . . just to get him to shut up for awhile."

   Hutch laughed softly.

   "So he comes back with, ‘No way, Huggy. Hutch ain’t no wimp. He’s tough. You sure don’t wanna get him mad.’" Huggy paused a minute and added, "He talked about ya for three hours straight."

   Hutch was working on the beer bottle label again. He was still smiling a little and sort of shaking his head. "You’re exaggerating, Huggy."

   "Really, man, . . . I think I finally had to offer to buy ‘im a burger jus’ ta get off the subject."

   Hutch sobered a little, "Guess you won’t have that problem again."

   "I’m tellin’ ya, man. He’ll come around. Jus’ give ‘im some time."

   Hutch sat staring at the table. "Why should he?" he asked with a hopeless tone in his voice. His blue eyes were cloudy with guilt as he looked up at Huggy, "I fuck up everything I touch."

   Huggy was silent for a few minutes. He somehow had to make Hutch believe in himself enough to keep trying. Huggy cared about his friends and knew them well enough to know that they shouldn’t let something like this bust up their partnership. Finally he said, "Well, the least you can do is make sure he knows what he’s losin’."

   "Not much. I’m the one who’s losing, Huggy."

   Huggy’s dark eyes met Hutch’s blue ones in a strong, steady gaze, "Yeah, well whatever it is you know you’re losin’, you can be sure he’s losin’ the same."

   Hutch didn’t respond, but Huggy could tell by the thoughtful look on his face that his point had been made.

   Huggy took another look around the bar noticing a few more people had come in. He patted Hutch’s arm again, and said. "Well, man, if you’re not gonna drink, I’m gonna havta go take care a my payin’ customers – if ya know what I mean."

   As he started toward the bar, Hutch called out after him, "Okay, Huggy, one more beer."

   Huggy grinned and continued on his way.

********

   As he brought the beer back to the booth, he nearly collided with the evening’s subject of conversation. "Well, if it isn’t the devil himself," Huggy said. "Be careful, there, bro, you’ll be wearin’ the brew."

   Starsky just gave him a dark look that said clearly, Don’t mess with me, Huggy.

   "Hey, man, you ran inta me, remember?" Starsky still didn’t say anything, so Huggy asked, "Are ya gonna stand there gawkin’ at me all night, or do ya want somethin’ to drink?"

   Starsky glanced away, catching sight of Hutch in the process. "Beer," he said abruptly, as he headed toward the booth.

   "Man, some people have all the charm," Huggy mumbled as he went back to the bar for another beer. "And then there’s those like him."

********

   Starsky slid into the booth across from Hutch without a word. Hutch looked at him, but didn’t say anything either.

   After a few minutes of silence, Huggy brought over two beers and a couple frosted glasses. He didn’t have any smart remarks for a change, but he exchanged a look with Hutch. Starsky didn’t seem to notice it.

   Hutch poured his beer into the glass and took a drink. He finally broke the silence with a quiet "Hey, what’s goin’ on?" But he wasn’t sure what else to say. He was a little surprised to see Starsky here at all, much less sitting at the same booth. After the scene in Dobey’s office, Hutch had managed to ask if he wanted to go get a beer, but Starsky’s mumbled reply had sounded "iffy" at best.

   Starsky was staring at the bottle of beer, which he hadn’t bothered to pour into the glass. He also hadn’t taken a drink of it. "We gotta talk."

   They had barely spoken to each other in the past day and a half and especially not after the meeting with Dobey. He had tried to apologize several times before that, but was met each time with the great brick wall of Starsky.

   "Why, because Dobey said so?" Hutch said, a little angry that Starsky wouldn’t talk to him until Dobey had practically ordered them to.

   "No," Starsky looked up at him then, on the defensive already, "I don’t do everything Dobey tells me."

   Great, we’re already under each other’s skin. Hutch thought.

   But Starsky’s words reminded him of one important time Starsky had disobeyed Dobey’s direct order – when he was supposed to bring Hutch in for Vanessa’s murder. Always trust Starsky, a little voice in his head reminded him. Very softly, he said, "Yeah, I know that."

   Starsky looked back at the bottle in his hand, but still didn’t drink any. Finally, with a tone of voice matching Hutch’s soft one, he said, "Look, I don’t wanna get into this whole thing all over again. We both know what happened. There’s no reason to go over it again. It just happened and now we gotta get passed it and go on."

   Hutch wasn’t sure he was following the line of thought. "You really think the way to ‘get passed it’ is to get a new partner?" he asked quietly, no accusation in his voice.

   "I already told ya. How can I be your partner when I don’t trust you?" Starsky asked, raising his voice just slightly, and Hutch didn’t miss the pain in the dark blue eyes.

   "Starsk, I know I fucked up in the friendship department, but I’ve always been a good partner." His voice was quiet, but fervent. "Haven’t I?"

   Starsky didn’t look up, but he nodded.

   "You know you can trust me when it comes to watching your back. The one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other."

   "It does have something to do with it," Starsky said quietly, still staring at the bottle in his hand. "You can be partners with a stranger. Hell, you can be partners with someone you don’t like very much, but you can’t be partners with someone who used ta be your best friend."

   Hutch flinched at the words themselves and the matter-of-fact tone Starsky had used because it sounded so final.

   "It just won’t work," Starsky added a bit hopelessly, like he wished it could be different but didn’t believe it could,

   Hutch just shook his head, and took another drink of beer. Finally, he realized Starsky was looking at him, waiting for a response. He tried to avoid the steady gaze, thinking What do you want me to say? And please stop looking at me like that . . . on second thought, please don’t ever stop . . .

   "Well . . ."

   "Well, what?" Hutch said slightly exasperated.

   "Am I right?"

   Hutch looked up then into the steady gaze of sapphire blue and answered firmly. "No, you’re not right. For one thing, it’s not true that I ‘used to be your best friend,’ because I never stopped being your best friend. And if you want me to agree with you and say that asking for a new partner is a good idea, I’m never going to do that."

   Starsky just looked at him, with his mouth open a little. "You gonna make me talk to a shrink."

   Hutch looked away at that, shaking his head. After a few minutes of silence, he asked quietly, "Is that all you really want to know is what I’m going to say to Dobey?"

   "That’s not fair."

   "And this is?"

   "Huh?’

   "This is fair – asking for a new partner?"

   Starsky just continued to look at him. Still doin’ it, Buddy, looking right through me. God, those eyes! Hutch thought, taking another drink of his beer to avoid the gaze. Like when he found me at Kira’s, and I couldn’t look at him. Ironic that those wonderful eyes that had always made him feel so . . . loved, could make him feel so uncomfortable lately.

   Finally, Hutch said softly, "Starsk, I know I fucked up, but it was a mistake." He glanced up for a second to find the dark blue eyes boring into him, then looked down again. "I didn’t purposefully set out to hurt you. It’s not like I planned it out or anything. It just happened."

   "So because it wasn’t premeditated, that’s ‘sposed to make it better?" Starsky said the anger and pain evident in his voice.

   "I didn’t say that," Hutch said, shaking his head in frustration "I’m not making excuses. I know I fucked up. I know what I did was wrong, . . . really wrong. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, but . . . it just doesn’t seem fair to me. I mean, is what I did so bad that I deserve . . ." His voice was getting husky and he almost lost it completely at the end. " . . . to lose my partner."

   Starsky still didn’t say anything, and Hutch didn’t look up this time, so he didn’t see that the hard-edged look had softened slightly.

   Finally, Starsky said quietly, "This isn’t about punishing you."

   "Isn’t it?" Hutch was very slowly pealing the label off his beer bottle. "Whatever reason you have, it still amounts to the same thing. If I lose you, that’s . . . " He paused a minute to correct his shaky voice again, "the worst thing . . ." He couldn’t finish out loud. But his thoughts continued.

********

   They had always had a different sort of relationship than most guys. They loved each other – it was as simple as that. But exactly when it had become more than friendship, Hutch couldn’t really say. At first, it’d been a stray thought here or there, quickly pushed aside. But the thoughts came more and more now, and it was difficult, sometimes impossible to push them away or bury them inside.

********

   He felt Starsky’s eyes on him, but he kept staring at the beer bottle. Trying to remember where the conversation had been going before he got lost in thought. Oh, yeah, fairness.

   He cleared his throat and continued in a firmer tone, "It’s just . . . I don’t understand how this is fair. I mean, it’s like giving a guy the electric chair for committing a . . .a robbery or something."

   "The electric chair?"

   Hutch looked up then and his eyes met the startled ones of his friend. "Yeah."

   "You mean . . . you trying to say . . ." Starsky gave up and started over, "You’re comparing getting a new partner to . . . getting . . . the electric chair."

   Hutch didn’t look away from those eyes this time. That’s about right, he thought. He just nodded in response.

   "You really mean that." Starsky said, more a statement than a question, since he could see the sincerity, and the pain, in the sky blue eyes.

   "Of course, I mean it. Isn’t that what it feels like to you?"

   Starsky rubbed his eyes and finally took a drink of his beer. "Well, it doesn’t feel good, but I don’t know if I’d go that far."

   Hutch swirled the remaining beer around in his glass and didn’t say anything.

********

   Huggy’s chose that moment to drop by and check on them. His timing was excellent as usual.

   "Well, Blondie, looks like you could use another, but Starsky, my man, you are not keeping up!

   Starsky just rolled his eyes, and Hutch said, "No more for me, Hug."

   Huggy just shook his head. He was mumbling something about "Big-time spenders and small-time tippers," as he strolled back over to the bar.

   Hutch smiled at that, and Starsky rolled his eyes again but he was smiling too.

********

   After a few minutes, Hutch said, "Before you came in, I was talking to Huggy about the first time I met you. At the academy?" He looked at Starsky, who nodded even though he was wondering why they had been talking about that. Looking down again, Hutch continued. "You know I can hardly remember what you said to me, but I really remember the way you looked at me." A long pause followed, then he took a deep breath, and met Starsky’s eyes. "You looked right at me like you could see what was really there."

   Starsky didn’t say anything. It’d been a long time since he’d had a real conversation like this with Hutch. It wasn’t always easy to get Hutch to talk like this, and he didn’t want to interrupt the flow. Lately, I don’t hardly try to get him to talk anymore," he thought.

   "Most of my life before that, I spent trying to be someone else. Trying to be what my father wanted me to be, or what I thought my friends expected me to be, or what Vanessa wished I would be," Hutch continued.

   "But when I met you, in that first minute, you looked right at me, the real me, . . . and just like that, I knew I didn’t have to be anyone else. Not for you."

   "No one else had even cared to look before, at least not since my grandparents died, but you could see it, and somehow that made it all right . . . all right for everything I’d kept inside to come out. And it did come out, more and more, until . . .I felt human again."

   Hutch sighed and studied the empty beer bottle again, fidgeting with it. "Lately, I feel like . . . like only the ugly stuff gets out."

   Starsky was still listening, but not saying anything.

   "I don’t know what it is, but something is . . ." Hutch paused looking for a word. "I don’t know . . . "off " somehow. It has been . . . for awhile, even before this thing with Kira." His eyes sought Starsky’s again questioningly and found reluctant agreement there.

   "Half the time, I feel like I’m pushing you away, and the other half, I feel like you’re pushing me. We never used to be like this. I don’t know what happened, but . . ."

   His voice was getting husky again. He needed something to drink, but his beer was gone. After hesitating a moment, he reached for Starsky’s still nearly full bottle, took a swig and returned it. A crooked half-smile formed on Starsky’s face.

   "I don’t want to lose you." Hutch said finally and clearly, his voice back now. "You’re my humanity, Starsk. I don’t know how else to say it."

   Starsky swallowed the lump in his throat before he could speak. "Seems to me, you’re saying it pretty well."

   "I’d do anything to go back and do yesterday over, . . . or to be able to make it up to you somehow, but I just don’t know how." Hutch sighed again. "I don’t even understand why I did it I wasn’t in love with her. I was attracted to her, but I didn’t love her. Honestly, I didn’t realize that it was a choice of her over you. My God, Starsk, I’d never willingly choose anyone over you. You gotta know that."

   "You mean more to me than anyone else." Hutch paused a moment to catch his shaky breath. "You’re the only one who’s ever stuck by me . . . through everything." Hutch was staring at the table again, seemingly lost in memories.

   "That goes both ways, ya know." Starsky reminded him, lost in some memories of his own.

   "But why am I such an asshole? Why do I do the things I do to the person I care about the most?"

   "It’s like family," Starsky reflected. "The people closest get the worst of it. I do it to you too."

   Hutch cleared his throat again, shifted a little in the seat, and reached over to put his hand over Starsky’s on the table, his voice was just a whisper, "I love you, you know." He wanted to say more, confess how much he really loved him, but he was still afraid to. Anyway his throat was closing up on him again, and he felt tears in his eyes.

   "Yeah, I know," Starsky said in an equally husky voice. There were tears in his eyes too.

   They just sat in silence until Starsky finally felt able to trust his voice again. "You know, when you grow up like you did, keeping everything in, always having to be perfect, . . . it’s bound to catch up with you eventually."

   Hutch didn’t answer, but he was studying Starsky’s face.

   "Not to mention, the work we do, the kind of scum we have to deal with . . ." Starsky drank some of the warm beer, made a face, and then poured it slowly into the somewhat cooler glass.

   Hutch was still looking at him intently. Starsky looked away out into the nearly empty bar, a far away look in his eyes. "The ugliness out there, Hutch . . . it gets inside of ya." A haunted expression passed over his features. "It’s kinda like war . . ."

   Hutch instinctively leaned over the table closer, squeezed Starsky’s hand under his, and waited for the silence to pass.

   Finally, Starsky shook his head to clear away demons from the past. "The ugliness gets inside and eats away at you. I feel it in me sometimes. It all has to come out somehow and who else can you take it out on but the people closest to you."

   He looked up at Hutch then. "That humanity you were talkin’ ‘bout before. It’s not really me – maybe I help bring it out – but it’s really gotta come from inside you." His eyes were still intent on Hutch’s, "And that’s what you gotta use to fight the ugly, rotten stuff."

   They just sat for a moment, hands and eyes locked together. Finally, Hutch said quietly, "But, we don’t have to fight it alone, do we?"

   Starsky’s eyes still had a bit of that far away look, but now they were glimmering too with softness and warmth. "Is that what’s been wrong lately?"

   Hutch felt warm inside for the first time in a long time, lost in his best friend’s blue eyes. "Maybe it is." He said finally.

********

   "Look you two, either order somethin’ or get the heck outtahere. As you can see, the place is fillin’ up fast."

   They both leaned back away from each other as Hutch reluctantly released Starsky's hand.

   "Yeah, Hug, anybody could see that," Starsky said sarcastically. "There are now a total of three people in here, and when we leave, there’ll only be you." He poked a finger into Huggy’s stomach to emphasize his point.

   Huggy leaned over conspiratorially in Starsky’s direction, but spoke in a loud whisper so Hutch would hear too, "Yeah, but you don’t know about the lovely I got stashed in the kitchen." He stood up, grinning and winking at both of them.

   "So that’s why you want us outtahere," Starsky said with a grin.

   "No, my man, I wancha outtahere ‘cause it’s closin’ time," he pointed at the clock behind the bar. "One thirty-three to be exact, which is half-past closin’ time, plus three." He said holding up three fingers. "And I need my beauty sleep."

   "So, why didn’t you tell us sooner, Hug?" Hutch asked.

   "Hey, you’re my favorite customers, you can stay as long as you want," but he added a loudly mumbled "even if ya are lousy tippers," as he walked away.

   Starsky and Hutch exchanged a smile as they got up to leave. After Starsky was well on his way to the door, Hutch slipped a fifty out of his wallet, folded it once, and put it under one of the glasses on the table. Fifty doesn’t begin to cover it, he thought. But hopefully, Huggy would get the message.

   "You comin’, Hutch."

   "Yeah." Right behind you, Partner, as always.

********

   They stood outside the Pits, next to the red Torino. The street was quiet except for the sound of a forlorn stray cat coming from back in the alley. The night air was cool. Starsky was digging into his too-tight jeans pocket for his keys.

   When he found them, he looked at Hutch who was leaning against the side of the car, legs crossed in front of him, hands on the hood of the Torino behind him, staring up at the sky. The moon was full, and yellow, and made weird shadows against the city buildings, but its light was caught up in Hutch’s blond hair. Starsky’s heart skipped a beat at the sight. With that glow, you look like an angel, Buddy. A little lost looking right now, but still an angel.

   It wasn't the first time he’d had this type of thought about Hutch. It scared him sometimes because he couldn’t quite classify the feeling behind the thoughts. He knew it was more than friendship, but what? Love, maybe? He was a little surprised at that thought, although not as much as he would have thought. I don’t swing that way, he had told himself before. And he was pretty sure Hutch didn’t either. But somehow, with Hutch, it just seemed right. And just a few hours ago, I was so mad at him I thought we couldn’t be partners anymore.

   Starsky wondered at how this man could take him through such a range of emotions when Hutch himself seemed so thoroughly in control of those feelings. No one else could make him so boiling mad, so frustrated at times, and yet so overwhelmed with warmth and love at other times. It was a little unsettling that one person could have so much control over him. He was able to admit to himself at least, that the intensity of his feelings for Hutch was a scary thing. Maybe that’s why I pull away from you sometimes.

   Starsky leaned against the car too, next to Hutch, their arms and shoulders touching. "Somethin’ else on your mind, Blondie."

   Finally, Hutch said very quietly, still not looking at Starsky. "Do you still want a new partner?" He didn’t realize it, but he was holding his breath.

   Thought we settled this, Starsky thought as he glanced sideways at Hutch. Guess you still don’t know where we’re going. For that matter, I guess I don’t either. One thing he was sure of though, "You’re my partner, Hutch."

   Hutch let out the breath he was holding and smiled a little, but he still looked a little uneasy. After a moment, he asked hesitantly, "Am I still you’re best friend?"

   Starsky turned and punched him lightly on the arm. "Who else would put up with me?" Hutch didn’t laugh though, and the smile disappeared. He seemed to be waiting for a real answer.

   Starsky moved in front of him and put a hand on each of Hutch’s arms. "Hutch, . . .look at me."

   A bit reluctantly, Hutch’s sky blue eyes met his.

   "No matter what happens," Starsky promised. "No matter what you say or do. I’m not gonna let you push me away, and I’m not gonna push you away anymore. And I’m not gonna let anybody else get between us. What we got is too important."

   Starsky’s determined eyes caught a glimmer of moonlight as he continued. "Yes, you’re still my best friend, and nothin’s ever gonna change that."

   Hutch sighed then, and looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around Starsky and hugged him tightly. The vague but masculine smells of after-shave and beer and the feel of tight muscles against his body sent a slight tremor up his thigh. His heart beat faster. His hand moved up to gently touch the dark curly hair. "I’ll try to do better, Buddy. I promise," he whispered.

   "We’ll work on it together, partner," Starsky said as he returned the hug. He could feel Hutch’s heart beat faster and knew his own was matching the pace. Hutch’s fingers in his hair sent shivers down his spine and to some other places. He pulled away a bit to look into the sky blue eyes. He saw a hint of fear, mingled with a longing look. He wants me too. Starsky moved his arms from around his partner’s back to rest his hands on Hutch’s shoulders instead. The blond hair still caught the moonlight and made the man shine with light. Need to lose that mustache, Buddy. Or maybe not. Starsky thought with a mischievous gleam in his eye. With Hutch leaning against the car, and Starsky standing at his full height they were at just the same level.

   Starsky leaned close and touched his lips gently against Hutch’s, closing his eyes just before the contact and opening them again just before the kiss ended. Your lips are so soft. The mustache tickled a little, but it wasn’t bad. The kiss was light and gentle almost not even sexual, but somehow every nerve in his body felt alive.

   Hutch could barely remember to breathe. The surprise – almost shock – was fading, and now he just felt so free . . . so alive. He feels the same way I do. The thought made him feel like anything and everything was a possibility.

   He opened his eyes after the kiss, to look into Starsky’s sapphire blue ones, nearly dark as the night sky above them, but now with a fire brighter than day. His hand was still in Starsky’s hair and with just a slight pressure he pulled that beautiful dark head close. Their lips met again and . . . (Well, if this were a movie, there would have been fireworks exploding in the dark sky above them.)

********

   You’ve been my best friend all these years.
   Kept holding on to me through all the trials and tears.
   Only you and I could know
   All the sacrifices that let this feeling grow.
   There were so many times we could have said good-bye
   Could have called it quits, but Honey you and I,
   We’re Survivors. We made it through the storm.
   When I needed shelter, I found it in your arms.
   Survivors. In love enough to fight.
   Together in this thing for life.
   There were times I lost my mind.
   Took some wrong turns -- you got me back in line.
   There were times you lost control,
   But I stood by you and loved you heart and soul.
   When faith was tested and dreams were fading fast
   We held each other close, until the rain had passed.
   A little time and tenderness has seen us through the years.
   We'll still be side by side when the final smoke has cleared.
   We’re Survivors. We made it through the storm.
   When I needed shelter, I found it in your arms.
   Survivors. In love enough to fight.
   Together in this thing for life.

   Survivors by Jim Daddario & Scott Wray, from Collin Raye The Walls Came Down
   Copyright 1998 , Sony / ATV Songs LLC / BritStar Music Publishing, Inc. (BMI)

THE END