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REWARDS: Epilogue to Running

By

Mer

After Kiko left, I ordered pizza and listened as Starsky plotted how to distribute Dobey's "business cards". It was good to hear him laugh - he'd been pretty torn up about Sharman, giving everything he had to turn her around. It had paid off - she was sober and safe now - but he had really been put through the wringer on this one.

I wish to God I'd been able to help him more. I hate having to watch him bleed from the sidelines, but the only thing I could do was keep on the case while he looked after Sharman. I'll be honest, I thought he was crazy to take her in like that, to risk his job, but it would have been pretty hypocritical of me to tell him that. After all, he risked that and more for me not too long ago.

I did joke and suggest he open a private treatment centre for junkies and drunks, but he failed to see the humour. "You were never a junkie, Hutch," he said seriously, with just a hint of reproach. That's my partner, always defending me, even from myself.

I wonder if it reminded him of those days in Huggy's apartment when he helped me kick the heroin addition. It reminded me, but then again just about everything does. Some days I think I've finally put it all behind me, but then I'll see a junkie sweating for a fix and the memories sweep over me like a freezing wind. Those are the nights when I lie awake willing the craving to subside, fighting the shame and fear until it gets too much and I reach for the phone to call Starsky. I don't have to say a word and he's on his way, no matter what time it is. How do you value a friendship like that? You don't. You just hope you never do anything to destroy it.

Funny. He was really mad at Kiko. Couldn't forgive him for choosing his friends over me. Hell, he's just a kid. Hard to know at that age that it doesn't have to be either or. But he came through in the end and I'm proud of him.

"Hey Starsky," I called, the proverbial light bulb flashing above my head. "Got any plans for the weekend?" I was pretty sure he didn't, but keeping track of Starsky's social calendar can be a full-time job.

"Not yet," he replied encouragingly. "Whatcha thinking?"

"I was just thinking how proud I am of Kiko," I said. What I really wanted to say is how proud I am of him, but it would just make both of us uncomfortable. There's a lot of things we don't say to each other, don't have to say, because why repeat what you already know? I don't need Starsky to tell me how he feels about me and I'm pretty sure he doesn't need to hear those words from me - Starsky, you're my best friend, I love you like the other half of my soul. I mean you just don't drop something like that into casual conversation. You prove it day in and day out.

"It's not easy fighting peer pressure," I continued. "Every kid just wants to fit in."

Starsky grunted in what I assumed was agreement. He knows more about that than me. After all, his mother sent him to live with relatives partly to keep him out of the street gangs. Me, I grew up in suburbia. My biggest crime spree was stealing some polished stones from the back yard of my preschool. Sure, I was only four, but I knew they weren't mine. They were pretty, though, and I wanted them. I don't know if I was even caught, but I learned my lesson anyway. Even now, more than 25 years later I still feel a tug of shame at the memory.

"Anyway, I thought I would treat him to something special. Sort of a reward for making the right decision." I could tell I had his attention now. He was trying to work out what this had to do with him.

"What did you have in mind?" he asked cautiously. He was undoubtedly worried that I would con him into accompanying us on a tour of Bay City's art galleries, or worse, into the woods on a camping trip.

"Disneyland," I said, watching for his reaction. His eyes light up when he's happy - really they do - and it's great to watch. "You, me, and Kiko. My treat," I added, and was rewarded with a broad grin.

"Really?" he asked, as if he were afraid I'd suddenly snatch back the offer.

"Really," I confirmed. "You'll have to get up early though, if we want to take full advantage of the day," I warned. Starsky's not much of a morning person, but I know he'd have no trouble getting up at the crack of dawn for the Magic Kingdom.

Which is how a couple of days later I found myself driving down to Anaheim with two excited kids. I was even starting to get caught up in their enthusiasm, until they started to sing "It's a Small World". I had to draw the line there. I know a guy who got stuck on that ride. He told me that after hearing that song for thirty minutes he was ready to abandon his kids and swim out on his own. I don't think I'd have lasted that long. I'd take a bullet for Starsky, but he'd be on his own in Small World.

As appeasement, I struck up my own personal favourite Disney song. I figured it would go over well, since Starsky loves making the ape noises during the chorus.

Oh, oobee doo

I wanna be like you

I wanna walk like you

Talk like you, too

You'll see it's true

An ape like me

Can learn to be human too

We were all laughing by the time the song was over and Kiko and Starsky kept up the monkey sounds for the next couple of miles until I decided to cut in with another song. I like to play the cynic, but I must have seen every Disney movie growing up, so I've got a store of songs that could have kept us going well into Mexico. I'd slaughtered a few of the Disney hit parade when Starsky interrupted me.

"How about the one about the birds?" he asked.

"The birds? Could you be a bit more specific?" I ran through some lyrics. "You mean 'Zippity Doo Dah'?"

He shook his head. "No. That one's good. I mean the nice one. From 'Mary Poppins'."

I thought again - Starsky had insisted on watching it with Kiko the last time it was on television, so I remembered most of the songs. He was right. It was a nice one. Always choked me up a bit when I heard it. I wasn't too sure about the verses, so I started on the chorus.

Feed the birds,

tuppence a bag,

Tuppence, tuppence,

tuppence a bag.

Feed the birds,

that's what she cries,

While overhead,

her birds fill the skies.

I remembered a couple of verses after that and Kiko helped out in a few places where I stumbled over missing words, then sang the chorus again a couple of times to finish off. I glanced over at Starsky and saw that he was smiling wistfully out the passenger window.

I reached out, tugging on a couple of curls. "Thinking about Sharman?" I asked softly, wishing I could wave a magic wand and make the world right for my softhearted partner.

He turned, an expression of surprise transforming into the full wattage of a Starsky grin. "Sharman? Naw, I was just thinking how that song is perfect for you."

I assumed he meant the range was good for my voice, which it is. I have to strain to hit a couple of the high notes, but mostly it sits in a good register for me.

"Remember in the movie how the little boy wanted to use his allowance to feed the birds instead of starting a bank account?" Starsky continued, the smile fading a bit.

I nodded. "Then catches hell for it."

The smile disappeared completely as he searched my face for something. My words seemed to be exactly what he had expected, for he nodded to himself. "Reminds me of you," he said softly. "Bet you were just like him."

I swallowed hard and concentrated on the road, avoiding those eyes that had always seen too deeply through my defenses. "Naw," I said lightly. "Mom dressed me like a nerd, but I never had a beanie and short pants."

He let it go. He doesn't always - sometimes he tries to see how far he can get me to drop my guard. Sometimes I want him to. But not with the Kiko in the car and not when we're supposed to be going to the happiest place on earth. I could still feel him looking at me, could sense the wistful smile again, but he joined in heartily as I sang "Zippity Doo Dah".