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That Which I Need

By

Myrannda

   "….a new partner." He froze. Stopped cold. He felt flustered and unsure of himself. What in God’s name did I just say to him!? There was too much going on for him to think straight! Between the shooting and sitting in a crummy hospital chair most of the day and trying to set up a makeshift office and yet another attempt on his officer’s life, his brain just wasn’t coherent anymore.

   He had told him to be calm. CALM! It was the last thing he felt himself, so he knew that his officer definitely could not be feeling anything even close to calm. And possibly wouldn’t ever again. At least not until the world as he saw it in his cool blue eyes righted itself.

   He stared at him a moment longer feeling ashamed and looking confused. What did I just say to him? He knew, staring into those eyes that had now turned icy, what Hutch needed. And it wasn’t him talking about new partners. He realized then that Hutch might never again be the same person he was just this morning, if the other one died. The thought saddened him greatly, thinking this could be the end of….

   They had always tried to be good cops, tried to right wrongs, tried to make life better for people who couldn’t or wouldn’t help themselves. And now, here they were again. Only this time was by far the worst. Oh, the time with the poison had been bad too. No doubt about that. What was the stupid thing he had said that time? "Well, I guess that’s it, huh?" Yep, that was it. Stupid. And Hutch had given him an appropriate come back. "I don’t care if we got two minutes. We don’t give up."

   Yes, that was a scary time all right. But, back then there had been something that Hutch could do about the situation. And he had. ‘We’ hadn’t given up and ‘they’ had come out all right in the end. Again. This time was different. This time there was nothing to do but wait, and waiting did not make one calm. In fact, it tended to make him say things that he wished he could take back.

   Unable to look at that pain in his face any longer, he diverted his eyes downward.

   And what he had said this time. Oh my. How could he begin to describe his feelings, his regret at saying them, even if it was something that needed to be faced? There were many words he could use, but only one stood out. Hopelessness. What he had just said to his officer relayed the overall hopelessness of the situation. It implied his own hopeless feelings. And probably the hopeless feelings of the other officers around them. And of the doctors and nursing staff. And of Huggy. And perhaps of Hutch himself. Said out loud, exposed for all those present to hear, ponder, contemplate and accept.

   Not the best way to go about supporting one half of your best detective team in the moment of his greatest need. What did Hutch need? Oh yes… and what had I just said to him? It now seemed almost like a dream. A surreal experience, that moment when through his lips passed the most unholy of words…

   "….a new partner." Huggy stared. His breath quickened. His eyes narrowed. What the hell did Dobey just say to him? The comment took him totally by surprise. He forgot that he was trying to tell his blond friend that he had finally found some transportation for him.

   He stared at the captain a little longer, unable to believe his ears. The captain tended to be gruff with them, but now? In a situation like this one? Man, that was the lowest blow the captain could have delivered! It was not what Hutch needed to hear right now! He couldn’t believe that the captain would say those words to a person who was more than just another one of his officers. The captain’s whole family had accepted Hutch as one of their own. Both of the partners, actually. They were the type that somehow seemed to draw you into them, if they liked you. If they trusted you.

   Huggy remembered the very first time he had ever seen the two of them together. It was in the first bar he had owned. They had come bounding in late one evening, full of mischief and loving life. He had been caught up by them and their sense of oneness. They had let him be apart of that. He still felt honored to be included in their lives, sensing that together, they were special.

   But now, that was changing, and there was nothing to be done. Huggy could read the look on the captain’s face. Could see the conflicting emotions in his wavering gaze. Although he really didn’t know the captain all that well, he did know him well enough to see that as soon as those ugly words had left his mouth, he regretted saying them.

   Huggy diverted his eyes downward, unable to look at the captain’s anguished face any longer. He felt distinctly uncomfortable. Never-the-less, Huggy suddenly felt protective of his hurting and vulnerable friend. Someone had to watch Hutch’s back now that he was alone. Alone. Just the thought hurt something deep inside.

   Hutch had needed some wheels and he had asked Huggy if he could find a car for him. Huggy didn’t want to leave the hospital – just in case - and had managed to talk Dobey into letting Hutch use the captain’s car. He had felt a little apprehensive about it at first because he wasn’t sure that Hutch should be driving around at all. Not in his tired and over agitated state. But he knew Hutch needed action, needed to move, needed to be useful, needed a … well, not that. He could only watch his partner dying for so long before it would drive him over the edge. Hutch had a higher purpose in mind. He couldn’t just sit around like the captain wanted. Still, Huggy was leery. Maybe I’ll follow him around later. After things have settled down a bit.

   And now, after hearing that comment, he suddenly felt as if he was helping his friend fulfill his growing need to find out who had done this to them. Damn it! The man didn’t need to be reminded of the hopelessness of the situation! And Huggy had thought that, of all people, the captain would know, would understand the pain and grief that Hutch was going through now. The captain himself had lost a partner many years ago.

   Hutch didn’t need to be so blatantly reminded of it. What Hutch really needed instead was….

   "….a new partner." I turned and faced him, completely caught of guard. It was a turn that occurred in the blink of an eye. But to me, it lasted forever and during it, my mind’s eye saw dozens of images of us. Myself and my partner flashing before me and I wasn’t even the one d….. Or was I? Or was it those words that caused a little of my world to die around me. What the fuck did he just say to me? It was the last thing I ever expected to hear from him. Dobey had been our captain for a long time now. He had stuck with us through a lot, but I knew that through it all, in all those years, none of the situations had ever been as bad as this time. None as hopeless. But it did not give him the right! He never, never ever should of just blurted that… that out to me!

   I gave him my most withering stare, which he couldn’t hold. For a moment, he was totally at a loss for words. I heard Huggy beside me take a sharp intake of breath. Obviously, the comment made him uncomfortable too. Huggy had been trying to tell me something, but I hadn’t quite caught it. My focus was wavering. No, that wasn’t true. My focus was re-directed. It was on my wounded partner and what I could do for him. And do for me, to find the persons responsible. That’s what I needed to do. That had been my focus all day until my captain… until the captain had said that.

   I knew I really wasn’t there. I was with him. Everything that makes up me was with him. But my body, on auto-drive, was strong, steady, ready for any fight, any challenge. I just didn’t expect it to come from Dobey. From the bad guys, yes, but from him, no. Not my captain.

   A few of the officers around us glanced quickly at me with sorry eyes. Everyone was waiting for my reaction. Time was still. They knew how we were. No, not were - are.

   All this I saw and felt as peripheral sensations. I felt detached. Removed. My captain’s words were echoing around my mind. Bouncing off my walls. I felt my instincts kick in.

   What to say, what to say? What I felt. But I wasn’t sure what that was. I couldn’t possibly sum up nearly a decade of feelings and images about a person who was a part of me without hours and hours and hours to think it through. But then, thinking too much about everything had always been a problem of mine. At least according to my…

   So this time, instead of using my brain, I should…I should just go with what I felt in my gut, no, in my heart.

   Yes, I knew then how I needed to respond to those ugly words. What I needed to say. What I needed lay only yards away from me, in a little room full of life monitoring equipment and hanging on by only the barest of whispers, unable to really feel me near.

   But I still needed him.

   So I answered,

   "I already got a partner, I don’t need another one."

THE END