Pat Chachich

You're the story of my life and every word is true
Each chapter sings your name
Each page begins with you.
It's the story of our times and never letting go
If I die today, I wanted you to know.
            "The Story of My Life" words and music by Neil Diamond

~~~~~~~~

   "See, Hutch, I told ya this was a good idea," Starsky said as he reached for another handful of popcorn from the large bowl in the middle of the bed. The ending credits from the late movie showed on the TV.

   Starsky frowned at the silence that followed his statement, and turned his head to look at his partner. "Hutch? Hey, Hutch?" His face softened when he saw his partner sprawled on his back, sound asleep. Aw, Hutch," Starsky whispered. "And you were worried about me gettin' enough rest."

   He felt a stab of guilt as he noticed the dark circles under Hutch's eyes and the new lines in his partner's face. He knew they were there because of him. While Starsky was in the hospital, Hutch had been there practically every minute he wasn't at work, even sleeping some nights in the chair by Starsky's bed when Starsky started having nightmares as the doctors gradually reduced his pain medication. Now Starsky had been home from the hospital for a little over a week, and Hutch had been taking care of him, helping him with everything.

   Hutch was still so worried about him. Tonight had been a perfect example. Starsky had decided to stay up to watch a horror movie on the late show, and Hutch had tried everything to talk him out of it, arguing that Starsky needed his rest. It had taken all of Starsky's powers of persuasion to convince Hutch that he wouldn't be risking a relapse if he stayed up a little later than usual. Even then, Hutch had insisted on moving the TV into the bedroom so Starsky could watch from the bed in case he got too tired. It had seemed almost like old times when Hutch made a big bowl of popcorn and sat down to watch the movie with him.

   Starsky smiled as he thought about the way Hutch fussed over him.

   Starsky was still for several minutes, just watching Hutch sleep. Suddenly an idea came to him, and he moved to the edge of the bed. He turned on his side to reach into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. He moved slowly and carefully, partly because he didn't want to wake Hutch, but mostly because even though it had been over two months since the shooting, moving too fast still gave Starsky trouble with pain from the still healing incisions and muscles weakened by the long period of inactivity. Starsky propped some pillows against the headboard, settled himself back on them, picked up the pen, and started to write.

   ~~~~

   Dear Hutch,

   Well, partner, looks like we made it again. We beat the bad guys and beat the odds one more time. You don’t know how glad I am to finally be home. But then again, I think you probably do. I’m sorry, babe, I know this has been hard on you, too. All that time in the hospital gave me a chance to do some thinking, though...about a lot of things. (It’s not like I have the energy to do much of anything else these days.) I guess there’s nothing like dying and coming back to make you realize what’s important in your life. And what's important in my life is you, Hutch. I know that I wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for you, Blondie. When I was lying there bleeding in the police garage, everything got dark and I couldn’t really see, but I could hear you, and I could feel you holding my hand, letting me know you were there and that I wasn’t alone. If it weren’t for that, I probably would’ve just packed it in right there in the parking lot. But your touch and the love in your voice made me fight to hang on ‘cause I knew I had to see you again.

   ~~~~

   Starsky paused, staring into space as the shadowy, scattered memories of that time ran through his mind.

   ~~~~

   You’re the reason I came back after my heart stopped, did you know that, Hutch? The docs say they can’t explain why I didn’t die, but I know it was because Somebody up there listened when I said I couldn’t leave you.

   I don’t remember everything about it, but I felt like I was floating, looking down at them working on my body, just like in the books, ya know? I even saw that bright light they talk about. For a little while I was tempted to stay there - it was so peaceful, and everything didn’t hurt anymore, but then I felt you come rushing through those hospital doors and I knew I had to come back. Then when I finally opened my eyes in the ICU, you were there, the joy on your face telling me without a doubt I had made the right choice.

   And you’ve been here for me every day, supporting and encouraging me.

   ~~~~

   Starsky smiled gently at Hutch's sleeping form.

   ~~~~

   But then it’s always been that way, hasn’t it, partner? Me and thee, practically from the first time we met.

   I don’t know if I ever told you, but when I heard that my roommate at the Academy was going to be some rich kid from the Midwest, I was pretty sure you were going to be a stuck up, snobby pain in the ass. But you proved me wrong, Blintz. I don’t know how you felt about having a scruffy street kid with a chip on his shoulder sharing your room, but you always treated me like you thought I was important. You really listened when I talked and didn’t try to make me feel stupid because you had more education than I did. You took the time to look past that tough guy front I had put on for so long to see the real me behind it. I could be myself with you, and that’s something I hadn’t been able to do for a long time.

   I remember a case not long after we graduated - a lady had been killed by her boyfriend and the cop I was partnered with and I were the first ones on the scene. The guy must’ve been a real sicko, there was blood everywhere. Turns out she had two little kids who had seen the whole thing - I found them hiding in a closet, scared to death. I’ll never forget the looks on their faces.

   You and I were hanging out that night at your place and I was telling you about it, when suddenly I realized my eyes were getting blurry and my throat was getting tight. I was pretty embarrassed - I hadn’t cried in front of anybody since...well since my dad was killed. Most of the guys I hung around with when I was growing up would’ve laughed themselves silly if they had seen me like that. But you didn’t laugh. You just came and sat down next to me and put your hand on my shoulder and waited ‘til I got myself together again. I could see the concern in your eyes - concern for those kids, but mostly, concern for me. I never did tell you how much that meant to me, but you knew. Neither of us had to say a word - we understood each other perfectly.

   That’s one of the things that makes us so good as partners, ya know. I always know what you’re doing, and you always know what I’m doing. It’s almost like ESP or something. The day they finally approved us being partners was one of the best days of my life. I just hope and pray that Gunther hasn’t ruined all that and I can really be your partner again. I know what you’ll say - that I’ll always be your partner, no matter what, but I want to be out there on the streets with you, Hutch, backing you up like before.

   You know, I’ve always been so proud to tell people that you’re my partner and my best friend, but I think the time I was the most proud of you was after Forrest kidnapped you - and that time I couldn’t tell anybody. It almost killed me to watch you go through that withdrawal, babe. I would’ve given anything if I could’ve saved you from that pain. I know quitting that stuff was hell, but you made it, partner. Not many people would’ve been able to go cold turkey like you did, Hutch, but then you've always been one of the strongest people I know.

   That strength has helped save me more times than I can count. Bellamy and his poison, those crazies in the Italian restaurant, Terri, and so many other times when you were there for me to lean on. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you, babe, and I don't ever want to find out.

   It was your strength that let you hold on when that lawyer’s goons ran you off the road, and when you were so sick with Callendar’s plague. I was really scared I was going to lose you that time, buddy, but thank God you made it.

   ~~~~

   Starsky closed his eyes and breathed a silent prayer of thanks that Hutch had survived and was still here with him.

~~~~~~~~

   You and I have always had a special bond, Hutch. Nobody knows me better than you do. For a while this past year I started to worry that maybe our relationship didn’t mean as much to you as it does to me. It seemed as if there was some kind of invisible wall between us. I knew something was bothering you, but for the first time I couldn’t reach you. Then all that mess with Kira happened and I felt like the bottom had dropped out of everything. I was angry, hurt, confused...but in a weird way it was good that it happened ‘cause it forced us to take a long hard look at ourselves. We realized we had been taking each other and our friendship for granted, and we worked hard to fix things between us, because both of us knew that what we have is too important and too special to let go.

   We’ve been through some rough times together, Blintz, but this thing with Gunther was our closest call yet. It’s scary to think about, but I almost didn’t make it this time. But what really scares me is that if I had died, I never would have gotten the chance to tell you how I really feel about you.

   ~~~~

   He stopped, looking over at Hutch, then drew a deep breath and plunged ahead.

   ~~~~

   I love you, Hutch.

   I hope you’ve always known that – you’re the best partner and the best friend I could ever ask for. But I told you I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and it’s made me realize that what I feel for you is something more than friendship. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I’m in love with you, babe.

   ~~~~

   Pausing to look over at Hutch again, Starsky had to restrain himself from reaching out to stroke the soft blonde hair fanned out on the pillow next to his partner's head.

   ~~~~

   I know what you’re probably thinking - it surprised the hell out of me, too. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I must’ve always known. Too bad it took getting shot and almost dying to give me the kick in the butt I needed to finally admit it to myself. Hutch, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much.

   ~~~~

   Starsky started to shift his position, then froze, biting his lip at the twinges of pain in the muscles of his back and abdomen. He concentrated on breathing slowly and evenly, and finally found a comfortable position. Leaning back, he looked over at Hutch and sighed.

   ~~~~

   But the way things are now, I don’t know if I’ll even have the guts to show you this. You deserve more than someone who’s all patched together and can barely walk across the room to the damn bathroom by himself. I don’t know if you could ever feel this way about me, either, and I don’t want to risk our friendship, not even for this.

   I don’t know what I ever did to deserve the gift of you as a partner and a friend, Hutch, but I’m thankful for it every day. I saw something in one of those books you brought over here, A true friend is one soul in two bodies.

   ~~~~

   Grinning slightly to himself, Starsky glanced over at Hutch again.

   ~~~~

   No matter what happens, that’s us, babe. Forever.

   Love, Starsk

   ~~~~

   Starsky stared at what he had written for a few moments, then tore the pages from the pad and folded them in half. Hutch stirred, turning on his side toward Starsky, but remained asleep.

   An overwhelming rush of emotion filled Starsky as he looked at Hutch, and this time he couldn't resist reaching over to brush several strands of fine blonde hair off his partner's forehead. Starsky's hand lingered on Hutch's head for a moment in a gentle caress, then he reluctantly pulled his hand away with a sigh.

   Looking at the folded pages in his hand, he allowed himself a brief fantasy of what it would be like if he was recovered and had the nerve to tell Hutch how he felt, and if by some miracle Hutch felt the same about him.

   But then he sighed again, knowing it would never happen. Of course Hutch loved him, but as a friend or a brother. Starsky knew that that would have to be enough; that he could learn to live with that little ache in the corner of his heart. Because the alternative would be to lose Hutch completely, and Starsky knew if that happened his life would be over.

   Suddenly Starsky felt very tired. He looked at the clock on the nightstand and was shocked to see it was 2 am.

   He smiled at his sleeping partner, thankful once again that Hutch cared so much.

   Starsky moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and placed the pen and pad, with the letter carefully slipped inside the back cover, in the nightstand drawer. He reached behind himself, picked up the popcorn bowl that was still sitting in the middle of the bed, and started to lean over to put it on the nightstand.

   A sharp pain in his side forced him to gasp and double over, the bowl clattering to the floor.

   He heard Hutch startle awake. "Huh? Starsk?" Almost immediately, Hutch was kneeling behind him, grasping his shoulders. "Starsk? You okay, buddy?"

   Starsky gritted his teeth against the pain and tried to breathe. "It's...it's okay. I just...tried to reach...too far...I guess." His hand clutched at his side.

   Hutch reached down and slid one hand under Starsky's, and started rubbing slowly in circles over Starsky's ribs. "Okay, babe," he whispered. "Just try to relax. Breathe."

   Gradually Starsky relaxed back against Hutch as the massage loosened the knot in his side. Hutch sat down on the bed and wrapped his other arm around his partner and pulled him against his chest. "Better?" he asked softly.

   Starsky breathed a sigh of relief and leaned his head back on Hutch's shoulder. "Yeah, lots. Thanks, Blintz."

   Hutch continued to rub gently up and down Starsky's side, and laid his head against Starsky's curls. "I'm sorry, Starsk," he said. "I should've been there to help you instead of falling asleep."

   Starsky frowned at the guilt in his partner's voice. "Hey," he said, reaching up to hug Hutch's arm that was holding him. "The only reason you fell asleep was because you were exhausted from taking care of me. I wish..."

   "Starsk," Hutch interrupted him quickly. "Don't." He brought his other arm around Starsky and squeezed gently. "We've talked about this before. I want to be here. When I thought I was going to lose you, I was so scared..." He drew a shaky breath. "But you made it, partner, and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be able to be here and to help you like this. There's no place I'd rather be, okay?"

   Starsky smiled and leaned back more into Hutch's embrace. "Okay, Blondie," he whispered. "Thanks." He closed his eyes and concentrated on how good it felt to have Hutch's arms around him and his solid warmth against his back.

   They stayed that way for several minutes, then Hutch lifted his head. "Starsk?" he started, then hesitated.

   Starsky had been almost asleep in the comforting embrace, but he tilted his head back to look at Hutch, sleepily asking, "Yeah, Blondie?" when it seemed as if Hutch wasn't going to continue.

   Hutch looked down and met his eyes, smiling slightly. "Never mind, Gordo. I think you need to get some sleep."

   This time, Starsky didn't argue, just closed his eyes again and relaxed back against Hutch's chest, thinking he would be perfectly happy to stay just like this forever.

   "C'mon, partner," Hutch said after a moment. He gently laid Starsky back on the pillows and pulled the blanket up to his chest. His hand lingered on Starsky's shoulder, rubbing gently.

   " 'Night, Hutch," Starsky murmured as he drifted to sleep.

   He didn't feel Hutch lean over and place a soft kiss on his temple, or hear his partner's quiet whisper, " 'Night, Starsk. I love you."

THE END (???)