It’s not easy to be alone for the first time in a plane. I have to confess that I was scared. I’m a grown up woman but I couldn’t help it. I was in my seat, my eyes looking at nothing in particular when the 'Fasten Seat Belts' sign was turned on. The panic overwhelmed me and I almost cried out. One solitary tear found its way down my cheek and I held myself tight praying that everything went okay. The plane began to move slowly at first, and then the speed increased quickly and without even noticing the plane took off.

   During this procedure I had my eyes shut and I was biting my bottom lip. I don’t know how much time I spent doing that but I tasted blood in my mouth. Now, I know it was silly behavior but at the time I felt really scared. I think it was related to my emotional condition more than to a real fear of flying. I felt alone in the world. Loneliness, sadness, emptiness. All wrapped in my soul in a painful feeling. It is supposed that I had to be happy because I had won a free holiday in the most magnificent five-star hotel in Bariloche. But I felt nothing good. I wouldn’t have gone if my friends and mom hadn’t pushed me to go.

   So, there I was, flying into an unexpected and unwanted adventure.

   I must say that the flight was smooth and nice. The stewardesses were very friendly and treated me as if I were a princess. I guess they knew about my first time flying.

   Anyway, I was so tied up in my self-pity that I didn’t notice these two guys -- who were sitting in the seats next to mine across the aisle -- until the plane was almost landing. I was again in my fearful mood. They looked comfortable with each other and the general situation. I really envied them. In fact I envied all the passengers of that flight because they all looked calm.

   But going back to these men I can tell you that they were extremely cute. Even though I was in a foggy state I could admire their beauty but I didn’t give them a second thought because I thought they were married. They both wore a ring in their left hand.

   The passengers said that the landing was perfect while they were disembarking. I remained with my eyes shut until the voices became a whisper. When I opened them I was alone in the cabin and one of the stewardesses was coming to my seat. I stood up quickly and began to pick up my purse and jacket. She smiled and I felt very stupid. There was a young man waiting for me at the airport who drove me to the hotel in a car. It was a 45 minutes trip to the hotel and the landscape was wonderful.

   After I checked in, I went to my room, unpacked my luggage and decided to go for a swim before having dinner. I put on my bikini and went down to the spa. There was nobody in the pool and I felt glad. I really wanted to be alone. I swam for a long time, trying to relax and think about nothing. I was enjoying the warm water and the quiet place when I felt that I was being observed. I stopped swimming and looked around. There he was, a guy with a weird expression on his face. I didn’t know whether to stay or leave because I didn’t want to speak to anyone. He continued looking at me and I began to feel afraid. I walked to the stairs of the pool to get out when this man said that I would look prettier without my bikini. At that moment I froze. He entered the pool and walked toward me. I couldn’t find my voice. I wanted to shout and cry and run away but I was paralyzed. He was now in front of me and put a hand on my breast. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I thought that I was dreaming but when his other hand touch my hip I knew it was not a dream. His touch made me feel sick and I heaved. Nothing came to my mouth but he got angry and slapped my face. I felt blood dripping from my nose and my right eye began to swell. He tore my bra and I shut my eyes. He was saying a lot of obscenities and I was crying like a baby, feeling ashamed and afraid. I was having trouble breathing because of the blood in my nose and my legs didn’t hold my weight any more. I was falling when he pulled me up by my hair. It hurt like hell and I shouted again. As I was passing out I heard some voices but they were far away…

   I woke up feeling miserable. My body ached everywhere although I was lying on a soft bed. I couldn’t open my swollen eye, I had blocked my nose and my mouth was dry. Nice way to start a holiday, I thought. I wanted to continue sleeping but I needed to go to the bathroom. I tried to move but a soft voice said, "Don’t move". I opened my good eye to find two pairs of blue and very concerned eyes and I wanted to die right there. There they were the guys from the plane looking like gods and I knew I was looking worse than I was feeling. I hid myself with the bed sheets and began to cry. What a baby!! I said to them between sobs, "go away." Another soft voice said, "please, don’t be ashamed. You look like a princess but I’m afraid we can’t say the same about that nasty boy. We took care of him. He’ll never forget us."

   I didn’t know why, but I laughed and got out of where I was hidden. What smiles!! They were really good looking. I liked both of them instantly. I felt safe with them. In fact I was very attracted to the dark haired one. He had the most beautiful smile you could ever imagine. But the blond one had his charm too. I stopped laughing when I tried to sit up and the room began spinning. The dark haired man pushed me gently down to the bed as I tried desperately not to cry like a baby again. I couldn’t open my eyes but I had to say that I needed to go to the bathroom. I blushed all over as he offered to go with me. Suddenly a terrible thought crossed my mine. I snapped my eye open and began to mumble, "Did he… Did … he… Oh, God, I can’t remember. "

   As if he could read my mind he said, "No, he didn’t rape you, we found you before anything happened. Let me help you to the bathroom young lady."

   I tried to speak but I couldn’t. He easily lifted me up in his arms, under his partner's serious observance, and as I tried to complain he made me hush up with his eyes. I was too embarrassed but I had no choice. We arrived to the bathroom and he put me down near the bowl. I hated the situation because I had no control over it. I asked him to leave in a whisper. He hesitated but left but he stood outside of the door and said, "I’ll be waiting for you here." I nodded and shut the door. I sat down thinking that I didn’t know their names yet. I suppose I was taking much more time than expected because I heard his voice asking me if I was okay.

   I said I was okay and opened the door trying not to show it was telling a big lie. He noticed I was not telling the truth but said nothing. He helped me toward the bed and I was grateful for that. "God, this is a nightmare," I said. Smiling, I added, "well, I think it’s time to introduce myself. I’m Pat. Thanks for your help Mr…?" I was talking to the curly headed one.

   "Nice to meet you, Pat. The blond here is my partner, Detective Kenneth Hutchinson and I’m Detective David Starsky. You can call him Hutch and you can call me anything you want sweetheart."

   I smiled again. "Nice to meet you Sirs, I’m sorry about the circumstances."

   "Don’t be sorry, and we are not 'Sirs' at all, we are cops," Ken said smiling.

   At first he looked distant but in fact he was very kind. I was falling quickly for 'sweetheart' when I remembered their rings. So I said innocently, "well, I’m really grateful for your help but I think your wives must be waiting for you. Please, don’t get stuck with me."

   Ken's pale face became red instantly and he began to cough. David looked at me knowing what I meant and smiled. Then he turned to Ken and patted his shoulder. "Take it easy, partner."

   The blond calmed down instantly. "Sorry," he said as he stood up and left the room.

   I thought I had really made a mistake with that because I noticed the sad look in Dave’s eyes. "Sorry," I said.

   "Well, we are apologizing too much today, aren’t we?" Dave said. "I think you have to rest now. We’ll come back tomorrow to check up on you and to talk for a while. Try to sleep and don’t bother about anything -- the bad guy is not here anymore. If you need something we are in room 501. Don’t hesitate to call us, sweetheart," he sighed, and left.

   I could feel there was something he wanted to tell me but I supposed it wasn’t the right time. In fact, I was pretty tired and although I would like to have asked what had happened I simply did not have the strength to stay awake anymore.

   When I woke up next morning I realized that I was in my own room (not in a hospital bed) and that I was hungry. I wondered about my heroes and why they suddenly became so upset last night. I knew I shouldn’t have opened my mouth regarding their wives. What if one of them were dead? Sure that was the answer, I felt like an idiot with my flirting. What the hell was I thinking? They were cops. They were supposed to protect and save people. I wasn’t a special case for them. I was going to ask for my breakfast when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in", I said and then I noticed that I wasn’t at home so I tried to stand up, but got dizzy. "Please, wait a minute", I shouted this time.

   The door was opened quickly. I was half way off the bed leaning on the nightstand, my gown was wrinkled and my hair (I could tell you even without looking myself in a mirror) was a disaster. I really needed to take a shower and go to the bathroom. Well, I thought, I need a man in my life too, but that wasn’t my worst problem right then.

   I looked up to my guests, who looked like top models. I felt miserable and angry and stupid and I shouted again, "I said to wait a minute, didn’t I? I need to take care of myself before eating breakfast and, why and how the hell did you open my door?"

   I was furious and I didn’t know why. Maybe I knew. I wanted Dave irrationally. I didn’t even know him and I felt my legs like jelly when he was near me. Oh, God, up until then I had been having success avoiding any contact with men, but this one had destroyed all my defenses in less than 24 hours. The worst of all was that he also knew it. He looked directly into my eyes and asked, "do you feel up to taking a shower alone?"

   "I’ve been doing it for years alone…" I shut my mouth cursing myself for that ironic response. If he noticed my screwed up emotions, he didn’t show it. He turned to Ken and said, "let’s let the young lady take her bath, pal. We can come later." Ken approved of the idea and both of them left me alone with my thoughts, shame and dirty hair.

   It took a lot of time for me to get decent, but when I got to the lobby I felt near human again. All the people looked at me and whispered. They all knew about the incident. I was considering going back to my room when I heard Dave’s voice saying, "if you don’t want to have breakfast alone, we are here."

   I turned around and saw them at a table near the window. I stammered a 'Thank you' and sat with them. Then I tried to apologize for my behavior when they entered my room that morning.

   Ken said, "there’s nothing to apologize about. I always prefer a complaining ill person than a quiet one. When Starsk is ill and quiet I know we are in trouble."

   "You are worrying over me all the time, mama Hutch," said Dave, and looked at his partner with a curious light in his eyes. I couldn’t define it but, well, I should have noticed it before. But I really couldn’t have found it out until later.

   I started drinking juice, then coffee and I ate some toast. Ken excused himself and said he had a tennis match. I didn’t know why but I didn’t believe him. He left me alone with Dave. My hands began to tremble and I felt the sweat running down my back. I couldn’t look at his eyes. He was terribly sexy. His aftershave lotion was killing me and his tight jeans made me feel hot. Really hot. I was very ashamed because I felt like I had a sign over my head, which read, "I’m hot for you".

   He cleared his throat and began to speak slowly as if he were speaking to a child. "I’m glad that you're feeling better Pat, but I need to speak to you about…something…that, well it’s not easy for me to explain, since you are in some way a complete stranger to us. But, well, I’ll try to be honest and straight with you."

   He smiled about a secret thought and continued with his speech. "We…I mean Hutch and I have been friends since we were too young to remember. We went through the Police Academy together and then became partners working in the same precinct."

   I tried to say something but he put a finger over my lips to shut me up. I felt his warm skin and my heart jumped into my chest. As if he noticed my reaction he took off his finger and continued speaking.

   "Let me finish. I’m giving you a summary in order for you to understand. We went through a lot of rough times together. We have only each other; we adopted each other as family. And that bond became more and more strong with the years."

   I was having a problem following his explanation. I didn’t understand what he was trying to say or at least I think I didn’t want to know. With those first words he had a soft smile on his face, the same one that people have when in love. I could understand that friends love each other. What was wrong with that? Nothing. But then his grin disappeared and seriously his eyes met mine.

   "I could make love to you right now. I can feel your desire and need and in another time I wouldn’t have hesitated. I like you a lot and I know you feel the same about me." I was wordless and looked anywhere but him. "Look at me." he ordered and I obeyed. I saw the desire wrote over his face, but mixed with a lot of other feelings that I couldn’t recognize. "But I love Hutch. Not like a friend. He is all my life. He has given his life to me and I couldn’t betray his love. I could give you my body but not my heart." He was looking intensely at me trying to guess what I was thinking. "Could you live with only one night of sex with me?"

   I could hardly breathe. All of a sudden I wanted to accept his offer. I really needed to feel his touch again, his warm skin, his scent but then I thought about Ken and I felt like a witch. I was the 'other' in this unusual triangle. And I did not want to be such a jerk. At that moment I understood Ken’s reaction about my question about their wives and the looks they gave each other. They really love each other. And I hated myself for being so naive and I hated them for their love.

   "Are you gay?" I asked.

   "No." Short and firm answer. "I’ve never been with another man, neither has Hutch. We still feel attracted to women now and again but...that’s it. Sometimes we date women to keep our cover but we don’t make love to them."

   I was amazed. It was a weird story. Gay, homo, bisexual cops? I managed to ask another question. "What would happen if either of you fall in love with a woman?" Deep in my heart I had a hope.

   "We were in love with women and we both lost them. We suffered a lot and we...well, we were there to give strength to each other."

   I had to know so I said, "Ken knows what we are talking about now, doesn’t he?"

   "Yes, he does," answered David.

   "And how does he bear this situation?" I was feeling dizzy again and the breakfast I had just eaten was jumping in my stomach.

   "He believes in me. He is the one person who understands me and accepts me like I am. We speak about everything. We don’t have secrets."

   I had to run away from his blue eyes, from this man who affected me so much, from the pain I was feeling in my heart. I stood up but he caught my hand and made me sit again.

   "Why...why are you telling me all of this...of your..." I couldn’t find the words to put a name to their relationship. "You could lie, or tell me that officers aren’t allowed to date witnesses or..."

   He sighed and let my hand go. "You wouldn’t believe that, would you?"

   "No" I replied. My mind was racing trying to find something to say or any kind of magic solution.

   "You didn’t answer my question", he said anxiously.

   "I’m not looking for a one night stand David, and you know that. Don’t make me make a decision over something when there are no alternatives. If I touch you once I would never want to let you go and that would kill the three of us." At that moment tears were falling free over my face. I stood and as I was leaving the dining room I ran into Ken. He looked at me with a question in his eyes. I could only say, "be happy."

********

   His worried eyes followed me in my running. I felt his eyes at my back but I didn’t stop or turn. I had to get to my room. I had to hide myself form the world. I felt really emotionally and physically destroyed.

   When I arrived at my room I began to pack my clothes and at the same time I called to change my flight. I desperately needed to be far away from those men. But, at the same time I didn’t want to go. I wanted to take Ken’s place, to make him disappear. I was thinking like a bastard. Never in my life, was I so jealous or envious of someone. It had been a long time since my last sexual encounter. Fuck me! I thought. "I don’t need sex in my life, I don’t need any man to be a woman," I shouted out loud as if it could make me realize that they were real statements. My eyes were burning from so much crying, so I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. There it was the image of sadness and desperation. I shut my eyes and wash my face with cold water trying not to touch the still swollen eye. I combed my hair and put lipstick on my lips wondering why I was doing all of that. The flight would take off two hours later so I had to hang on only 120 minutes and then I would be flying home. My empty home, my cold home, my man-less home, my safe-hole-to-hide-home…

********

   I didn’t hear the door being opened neither the person coming to me until he spoke. "Please don’t go," the voice said.

   I was looking at the view outside the window and feeling small like a drop of water in the ocean. What should I do? I sighed heavily and put my arms around myself as if I were protecting myself from an invisible enemy. How could I compete with a man for the love of another man? "Give me one good reason to stay," I said with weak voice.

   "We can work it out," said my guest.

   "Who? You and me? The three of us? You and him? Who will work this out? And how, tell me how…" my voice failed. I felt like crystal ready to break to the minor touch.

   "Uh, uh, I don’t know yet, give me some time to think," the strong male voice begged.

   I couldn’t believe that the man standing behind me was a tough, brave cop during the day and a sweet lover (of another man) during nights. I could imagine him making love with women but not with his partner. Another sigh. "There’s nothing to think about," I stated bitterly and continued. "You love him, he loves you, there’s no space for me between you two. I can’t compete. I can’t fight, neither do I want to destroy the strong bond you have."

   I checked my watch, it was almost time to go and I was thankful for that because I didn’t know how much of that conversation I would be able to bear. I walked toward the bed but a strong hand stopped me. That was the first time I looked at his face and the view of him made me want to weep. If I was feeling like shit he sure was feeling desperate. Through that pain I could see all the love for his partner.

   "I would do anything for him, anything that gives him happiness. All I want in this world is for him to be happy." No selfishness. No jealousy. No regrets. Only acceptance and love and patience. "I’ll leave tonight instead of you. Stay with him. He really needs to… Wants…"

   I pulled off from his tight hold and shouted, "He wants to fuck a woman to know if he’s still a man? What does he want to prove? And how do you let him go to a woman’s bed?" I was angry and it was supposed I should be happy for his offer. He was willing to give me his beloved.

   He didn’t try to calm me down but he said in a whisper, "I could die for him and the love he gives me, in anyway he gives it to me, it’s enough. We’ve been together -- I mean being lovers -- for a year now. And this is the first time I noticed him being uneasy near a woman." No way I was going to buy that but he continued. "We had trouble over the same woman some years ago and we almost lost each other. At last, we stuck together and we promised that no other woman could interfere in our relationship. And we kept that promise even though we continued dating women. Last year our world turned upside down. He was shot and really was dead for awhile. I thought I would die, too. I wasn’t at the hospital when... when…his heart stopped beating, but I drove like crazy to get to him before… Well, he came back to me at the same time I was arriving to the ICU, and right there I knew I loved him not just as a friend. Don’t ask me why I waited almost eight years to realize I was in love with my best friend." He couldn’t stop talking and I didn’t dare to stop him. "He’s the best person I’ve ever met. He doesn’t want me to change or to be anybody else than me. And I love him for that and for staying alive for me" He was now holding himself as if to stop hurting or feeling alone. "I’ve never asked him to marry me or… Well, please don’t laugh about this," he blushed all over with this remark. I didn't have enough strength to cry or to laugh. He was waiting for my reaction and as I remained quiet he went on with his story. "I’ve never asked him to be faithful, I accepted whatever he wanted to give me. After the shooting he was so sensitive, so weak, he has no self-esteem and he seemed to have lost interest in women. And I was there to back him up, to help him to recover and to help him sleep at night. At first, nothing sexual happened but then the love I always professed to him change into something deeper and he never discouraged me."

   I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I felt my heart lurching for this man who was supposed to be my opponent. He noticed I was uncomfortable and said, "look, I knew this day would come. I can’t give him kids or a normal family so I’m just living the situations as they come. You are here now and he is attracted to you. He confessed to me that he is confused but he wouldn’t let me go. So, I’m leaving. Only one more thing, I’ll be watching you. Don’t dare hurt him or you’ll know who I am." With that last statement he left my room, and I was left there trembling, sobbing, thinking how I could not feel so hot, so needy, so eager for Dave’s touch. I knew the best thing for me was to leave, in spite of Ken's good intentions. I couldn’t be so selfish and accept that situation. I was taking my suitcase when the door began to open again.

********

    Oh God!! I thought. To the hell with intimacy. I supposed Ken had something else to instruct me about, or to order me to feel or to give me another warning. But I was wrong. It wasn’t Ken. It was Dave. Looking scared to death, confused, angry, tormented. A mix of emotions was showing on his face. His dark blue eyes were piercing me as if they wanted to take the truth from my body.

   "What did you say to make him leave?" he asked, with a voice calmer than he appeared to feel. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was arrogant and he was accusing me of what?

   "Really, it was the other way," I shouted. "He told me a lot of things without allowing me even to breathe. So, fuck you two. I’m trying hard not to be the evil of the story. Look, I’m tired and I’m hurting and… and… Please, leave. Don’t make this situation worse. Right now I’m a mess, I don’t know what to feel or how to react. I… We…could do something wrong and then we would be sorry for it."

   I tried to reach the door but he stopped me with his tall frame. His back was leaning on the door and I obviously couldn’t open it. He was staring intensely at me and I shivered. I looked down because I couldn’t stand the intensity of his eyes. His left hand touched my cheek softly. His fingertips were like a butterfly kiss on my skin and at the same time like a bolt of electricity. This man, his story, his touch, all of him was dangerous, mysterious, dual, but I was trapped like a fly in a spider web.

   He took my suitcase, which I was still holding, and put it down on the floor. Then he put his long fingered hands on my waist and at last he pulled me to his chest. I didn’t resist him. He held me tightly and said, "I needed to feel your body against mine." His hot breath in my ear made me almost shout. I was feeling so hot, so conscious of the sexual tension. I was wet, very wet and his arousal was evident through his pants. I felt his sex hard as rock on my belly and a devil smile appeared on my lips. I was doing that to him, not his "male" partner. Suddenly, I felt bad about what was happening and I tried to push away, but as if he was reading my mine, he held me even tighter and kissed me for the first time. After that I couldn’t think anymore of Ken, or the future or anything else, but his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my back. Without even noticing it, he took me to the bed and began to undress me. I was passive, looking at the scene like I was watching a movie until he begged me to touch him. Again the duality was there. The strong man, the begging kid, the dangerous lover, the innocent lover. With trembling hands I took his shirt off and I touched his hairy chest feeling the muscles, the warmth, the maleness of his body. My body was incredibly tuned to his body. I could feel his anxiety, his fear, his confusion that they were at the same level as my anxiety, fear and confusion. I was trying hard to put aside the image of Ken, but his presence was strong between us.

   "I can’t do this," I said half-convinced in a whisper. He stopped kissing my neck and looked at my eyes. He was in control now overwhelming me with his weight and male power.

   "You can’t do what?" he asked.

   "I can’t make love to you knowing that you are thinking of…"

   He didn’t let me finish. "Don’t say his name now." And he restarted kissing me, stroking me, laving me anywhere he could reach and at last I yielded to the passion. We got rid of the remaining clothes roughly like our lives would depend on it, but when we both were naked he became the most delicate man on the planet. That was the first time I felt so respected and so venerated while making love. He concentrated on giving me pleasure, in making me come, and I was reaching the edge so quickly… He knows where to touch me, I thought, feeling amazed by his knowledge and loving skills. Something was melting inside me and running down my legs. He found my wet secret spot and I cried out arching my body to his touch. I spread my legs wider and he positioned between them. I couldn’t believe that everything was going so fast. He entered me with slow strokes and he continued touching my wetness. We were both gasping for air and we knew we were close, very close. "Come with me, please" he said shakily, his eyes pleading for my release. And I exploded shouting his name, knowing he would never be entirely mine but loving that single moment of happiness. I heard my name on his lips as he came almost at the same time. I felt his hot seed filling me. He was giving his power to me and I was accepting it without reserve, without protection, without a second thought.

   When our bodies began to relax, he rearranged the bed sheets and covered the both of us. He spooned to my back and whispered in my ear, "It was just wonderful, babe. Please, don’t ruin it with words now. We can speak later, okay?"

   I could only nod in acceptance and shut my eyes holding his arms, which were around my body. I felt protected, safe, satisfied but very much alone…

********

   I woke up a couple of hours later screaming like crazy. I was dreaming I was with the bastard who had assaulted me at the pool. I felt disoriented at first but immediately two strong hands reassured me that I was not alone. "Sshh, everything is okay, it was just a nightmare," whispered Dave in my ear. I turned my body to face him.

   "And you are a dream, aren’t you?" I asked.

   He smiled but it didn’t touch his dark eyes. "I’m not a dream, I’m real and I’m here with you right now" he said softly.

   "But you are leaving soon, I know, I can see it in your eyes. I’m surprised you are still here provided that you love him. My voice sounded hoarse.

   He sighed and caressed my cheek with his left hand. His good hand. The same hand that took me high and made me melt. He didn’t deny what I had just said. He whispered, "we can keep in touch, sweetie. I really like you and I know you are a great person. We can be…"

   I stopped him saying, "don’t dare to say -- friends -- I can’t be your friend after being your lover. Dave, be honest with me and with you. You were and are thinking of Ken all the time. He never left this room. He was here 'watching' us. Silent tears rolled down my face and I shocked him with my following words, "Please Dave, make love to me one more time before you go, and then…then you can move on with your life."

   He stared at me for a while not knowing what to do. Uncertainty took control of his mind. So I guided his left hand between my legs and started kissing him desperately.

********

   Nine months later.

   "Well, lady, have you already chosen the name for your baby-boy?"

   I looked at the nurse with a blank expression on my face. I was breast-feeding the baby and I felt completely at peace because I wasn’t thinking of anything else. But her question brought me back to reality. Name. And surname. "David Michael," I said abruptly. The baby had the same curly hair as him. So it would be always a reminder of his existence in my life. "David Michael," I repeated and sounded so sweet. And my surname will be his as I was still alone. Well, not that alone, I had my baby now.

   After the only night we spent together, I left the hotel in the morning while he was fast asleep. I never regretted that night and then, when I found out that I was pregnant, I knew it was meant to be that way. Our meeting was foretold. I didn’t call him once. But I received a letter from him and Ken every month with a check included, which I sent back again. The first time a letter arrived, I was surprised, but I realized then that being a cop had its advantages.

   After David Jr. was taken to the nursery I tried to sleep for a while. I had my eyes closed dreaming a future for my little boy when I felt, rather than knew, there was someone in the room.

   Without opening my eyes I said his name, "Hi, David."

   I knew he was hesitating and I enjoyed that power a little. The power of making this tough cop become an insecure man. I turned my head to face him. He was still beautiful. I think he was more beautiful than nine months ago. He smiled shyly and I had to smile too. I couldn’t help it. His smile was devastating. It destroyed all my shields. He asked sweetly, "are you okay, sweetheart?"

   I thought I could die right then and simply said, "Yeah, I’m fine." He took a chair and sat next to my bed. "Where’s Ken?" I had to asked, I needed to know.

   "He’s in the nursery watching the baby, he’s beautiful, like you." Dave had his eyes full of tears.

   "He looks like you," I said, "and I’m glad because…" I couldn’t continue speaking. He held me tight and I held him back, God, I needed that embrace, that warmth. In that moment I knew that everything would be okay even though I wouldn’t be there to see it. "I need to speak with Ken, please," I whispered in his ear. He shivered but said nothing, he let me go and stood up. He didn’t expect me to ask for Ken. He went out of the room to look for him. After few minutes both of them were in my room with a strange look in their eyes.

   "Hi Ken," I greeted the blond man. He was uneasy not knowing how to act but he said 'Hi' with a very soft voice. He was moved because of David Jr. as if he were his own child. May be in the future he could be. I knew it would be hard for both of them to cope with the news I had to tell. But in some way I knew blondie would manage both the situation and David’s emotions.

   I looked at David and asked him very gently to leave Ken and me alone. He looked back at me, his dark blue eyes asking me a lot of questions, none of which reached to his mouth. He turned and silently left the room.

   I sighed heavily and tried to sit up in the bed. I was weak, not only from the labor, but also from the illness that was devouring my life. Ken helped me with tender hands and I could feel part of his love for David.

   "I’m scared to death, Ken," I started the conversation. "I really want to be tough in order to make this easier for you, but…" My voice trailed off.

   "What’s happened?" Hutch asked anxiously.

   "I’ll tell you now but please don’t interrupt me. Let me finish or I believe I can’t say it." I looked to my hands, clenched in the sheets and cover. I sighed again and tried to find my voice. "I’m dying, Ken."

   I felt his tremor, I heard his sob but he remained quiet. He took my hand in both of his hands. It felt warm and safe. I smiled and looked at his eyes. "You know," I said, "I don’t like soapy scenes." His face twisted with pain but he didn’t speak. "When I discovered I was pregnant, I went to my doctor and he made me run different tests. Thank God the baby was okay, but I wasn’t. You can trace my file or speak with my Doctor once this is over but the most important thing is that the baby is not infected. They told me first that if I decided to interrupt the pregnancy I would have had a possibility of surviving. But I couldn’t deny David his child. I remembered back there the conversation you and I had in the hotel. You said you couldn’t give him a baby and now he is here. So I want David to be his father and I want you to adopt him as well. I want to die knowing that my child is safe and loved." While I was speaking, Ken looked at me and held my hands. A single tear crossed his cheek and he seemed to be lost. I guess that, with their job, they really know the meaning of the word pain.

   "I’m so sorry…I don’t know what to say, I…I don’t know if I’ll be able to take care of both Starsk and your baby, and I’d die if anything bad happened to them…" By now, he was openly crying.

   "Ken, listen to me, please," I said barely resisting the urgent need to cry like him. "Ken, I have no one to take care of my child. My mom is too old and we already agreed to do this. Of course she will be the grandma, and she will help you to… to learn the basic things about babies." I was fading quickly as the pain was consuming all my stamina. "Ken, please, I don't have much time left, I need you to tell David. In the meantime, I’ll ask the nurse to bring the baby back here. I want to introduce him to his daddies." Ken looked amazed at me for my last words.

   Half an hour later the four us were at my room. It was a strange situation. You could feel the sadness but you could also feel a new mixed feeling, something between hope and faith starting to grow inside us. David took his son carefully in his arms and the baby seemed to be happy there, like I had been happy in his arms. That was a good sign. Ken, a little uneasy and not knowing what to do, chose to look through the window. Even though the silence was not uncomfortable I needed to say something.

   "Listen boys," I said and immediately both of them faced me. "I have settled with my lawyer. You won’t have any problems with the legal papers for the baby. I signed a statement where it is said that David is Jr.’s daddy and Ken is his foster parent. I assumed you would agree with this arrangement. You only have to sign the respective papers any time this week." They didn’t say a word and I was a little afraid. Perhaps I assumed too many things that they weren’t prepared to cope with. "I’m sorry," I said. "I didn’t ask you about your feelings, or if you are willing to accept this responsibility. But when I knew that I was… that I wouldn’t be here to see my son grow up, my first thought was of you two…"

   At that moment I was stuttering and shaking like a leaf. David gave Jr. to Ken and held my hands. "Sweetheart, this is not only a responsibility we are talking about, this is our son and everything related with him affects my life in a wonderful way," he said.

   "It also affects my life," whispered Ken, who was singing sweetly to Jr.

   I was so grateful because I knew they would be good parents for Jr. I closed my eyes, sighed and said, "I love you boys, I love the three of you. At the beginning I didn’t understand anything about all of this. And then, well, I simply realized that love is good, in any way you show it. Please, boys, love him and each other very much. I need to know that he will be loved. Tell him that his mom loves him deeply…"

   "We will, babe, we promise," they answered together.

   I guess I passed out because when I opened my eyes I was alone in the room and it was dark. A nurse came and checked my vitals. She left without saying a word. I took my diary again and began to write those last hours of my life. My only will for my dear son.

THE END