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Identity Crisis
The Fix Aftermath

By

Pat L & Sonja H. van Schalm

   It could have been one of those old movies that Starsky loves to watch. All the important elements were there: a damsel in distress, an evil monster, and a hero. Only, the hero couldn't save the damsel, and the monster was more hideous than anything the big screen ever saw. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I can feel the pain hiding in some dark corner of my mind, gnawing at me. Sometimes the pain is so great that it can wake me from my worst nightmares. I guess I should be grateful for that, but then the craving starts. The hunger is worse than anyone can imagine. It circles my gut and squeezes so hard that I cry out. Then the shame takes over and the hero is nothing more than a scared little boy. Because when the craving hits, there is only one thing that I can remember. I remember floating on clouds of white satin, flying to a happy Dreamland. Then, for just a few minutes, I would sell my soul to make that trip again.

   I can't believe that it's only been a year since Ben Forest kidnapped me. He wanted to know where Jeanie was.  That sounds so simple when I say it, but I knew what he would do when he found her. And I knew how much he terrified her. So my beautiful damsel in distress depended on me to keep her safe. I was her White Knight, and  I was going to save her from the evil king. Then we were going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. What else were two lovers supposed to do? Too bad Forest hadn't read the same fairy tale I did. He didn't know that I was supposed to win. I was one of the good guys, wasn't I? Instead, he sent his evil henchmen to my cottage and kidnapped me. After Monk had his fun and beat the crap out of me, Forest realized I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. So, he decided to make me an offer I couldn't refuse, sort of. I sure didn't ask for the junk he shot into my veins, but after I tasted it, I wanted it again and again. Forest was smart. He knew I'd do anything to take that ride again, even if it meant giving him Jeanie. And I did.

   I can't describe how that first ride felt. I'd spent my whole career putting junkies and dealers away. I never really thought about how it felt to BE a junkie. Although I fought like Hell against that first needle, I've never felt as good as I did then. The pain was gone, the soreness from the beating Monk gave me disappeared in a wave of euphoria. Forest didn't get what he wanted, though. At least, not then. But old Ben wasn't worried. He knew I had a long road ahead of me and he had nothing but time.

   I can remember how it felt when they moved the blindfold just enough for a bright light to shine in my eyes.

   "Get away, you lousy creeps."

   Man, I sounded so full of it. There was still some fight left in these bones. I wasn't a junkie by choice, damn it! Forest did this to me, and the drug was just as dangerous as if it were arsenic. My answer came in the form of a needle, and if I wasn't  hooked the first time, I was now. That good old feeling rushed back in like a long lost friend. I was riding again on that magic carpet to a drug induced Dreamland.

   Of course, when I crashed, I crashed hard. So hard that for the first time in my life, I went down on my knees and begged. But I didn't care. All I wanted was for the pain to stop and the ride to start again. So, what did I do? What did the White Knight do in all his glory? I threw the damsel into the arms of the evil king. She was supposed to be the love of my life, and I betrayed her. What for, did you say? A fix, of course. I gave her to him for a fix.     

   How hard had I fallen?

********

   The White Knight had fallen, but he hadn't lost all of his armor yet. Was old Ben going to be in for a surprise! With all that I had in me, I fought against evil and broke free from it's spell. I kept on running and stumbling, sick and exhausted. I hid in a dirty alley, waiting for the fairy-tale ending that I knew would never come. The world was too ugly right now to be a fairy tale. Ken "The White Knight" Hutchinson was now Ken "The Junkie" Hutchinson. Way to go, hero.

   While I lay in that alley, I prayed for the strength to get up, to just MOVE. I didn't think I had it in me anymore. I was finished. There was no "happily ever after". The bad guy had won. But, just when I thought all was lost, my strength came riding in on a red tomato with a white stripe. I never thought I'd see Starsky again, but suddenly he was there.  I wanted to touch him, to tell him that I was sorry, but all I could do was curl up against him and try not to pass out. I could hear him talking to Bernie, the cop that had spotted me, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. The need for a fix was roaring so loud in my ears that I couldn't hear anything else. I felt Starsky pull up my sleeve, and I wanted to crawl away as fast as I could. I didn't want him to see what I'd become. I knew he could never be ashamed of me, but I was ashamed of myself. Where was his partner now? I felt like I had fallen down a deep, dark hole. Would I ever be able to climb out? Through the sharp pains in my gut, and the gnawing hunger, I felt Starsky lift me and carry me to the Torino. Without a word, he drove to the only place where I would be safe, Huggy's apartment. The chills and the cramps were already starting, but he carried me up those stairs as gently as he would a sleeping child. Beneath that curly, dark hair and those caring blue eyes lay my strength and the other half of my soul.

   I had 48 hours of pain, sweat and tears lying ahead of me.

********

In Huggy's Apartment

   The first day was the worst. I never wanted the heroin. I NEEDED the heroin. I needed it to help me out of my misery. I needed a fix so badly that every corner of my brain craved it. Every part of my body was hurting for it. I was cold, so cold.

   "C..c..cold. I'm cold, Starsky. Help me, please God, help me!"

   I begged him again and again. I thought I had sunk as low as I could go, but I was wrong. I could see every lousy junkie that I had passed on the street in myself. Starsky should have left me in that alley, because that was where I belonged.    

   Starsky was stronger than I have ever seen him. He never gave in to me, no matter how much I begged. He would simply look at me through those piercing blue eyes and say "No". I felt like a caged animal, pacing around in a room that was too small. Look at the junkie! He's like a wind up toy, going back and forth, back and forth.    

   "STARSKY, IF YOU'RE MY FRIEND, THEN DO SOMETHING! HELP ME!"    

   I knew my words were falling on deaf ears, but I had to try. Starsky gave me candy bars and coffee, but he didn't give me what I really wanted. What my body was craving for.

   "One more time, Starsky, just one more time. I promise, just one more fix and I'll quit. It will make it easier."    

   Starsky looked me in the eye, "No, Hutch, that's not the way and you know it."    

   "DAMN YOU, STARSKY! DAMN YOU!"

   I turned away from him, slamming my fist into the wall. I couldn't even feel the pain. The hunger was too bad.

   Starsky's hand on my shoulder turned me around to face him.

   "Don't do that, Hutch," he said calmly. "You'll only hurt yourself."

   I snapped at him, challenging him. "If you really care that much, why don't you HELP ME?"    

   "When this is all over, you'll understand, Hutch."    

   "What if I don't want it to be over? Did you ever think of that? It felt so good to be up there. It felt so damn good! Can't you see? I understand now, Starsk."    

   Starsky looked like I had punched him in the stomach. His face paled and he was trying hard to keep himself under control. He spoke with a voice that had turned to ice.

   "If that's how you feel, then you're not the Hutch I know. The Hutch I know wouldn't give up on everything he believed in. The Hutch I know is a cop. He's MY PARTNER, not a GOD DAMNED JUNKIE! Is THAT what you want to be, Hutch? A junkie? You want to be a junkie?"    

   Suddenly our roles were reversed. Starsky was standing in front of me, breathing heavily on my face, forcing my back against the wall.    

   "You tell me, Hutch! You wanna be a JUNKIE?!"    

   The turmoil inside of me made it almost impossible for me to comprehend the meaning of Starsky's words. The way he had said "Junkie", with so much contempt in his voice, echoed through my mind.    

   Oh, God, I was hurting! I couldn't think straight. Why was Starsky doing this to me?    

   "I'm waiting for an answer, PARTNER!"    

   That was it. With all the strength I had in me, I pushed Starsky away from me.    

   "NO, I DON'T WANNA BE A JUNKIE. OPEN YOUR EYES, STARSKY! I ALREADY AM A JUNKIE! I WANT A FIX, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD! LOOK AT ME, STARSKY. HERE I AM! YOUR PRECIOUS PARTNER IS A JUNKIE!"    

   In front of Starsky's eyes, I broke down and fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. My body started trembling again. I couldn't control it. I was cold, so cold.    

   Starsky helped me up and guided me to the bed. I laid down on my side in a fetal position, holding my stomach.

   "Oh no, not again. Not again!"

   But my stomach was already empty.

   Spasms were shooting through my legs, making it impossible to lie still. So I sat up, folding my legs underneath me in an attempt to sit still. I rested my head in my hands and moaned.

********

   Here the nightmare always ends, and I wake up in a cold sweat, trembling, hurting, but most of all craving. It's been a year. In the beginning I woke up almost every night. The nightmares revealed the horror of what had happened to me, forgotten moments of the time I spent at Huggy's place. I couldn't believe the sad, pitiful creature I remember was actually me.

   Starsky insisted on "sleeping over" at my place. He ended up staying for a couple of weeks, not letting me out of his sight for one minute. It did feel good having him around though. It felt kind of safe and secure. I never woke up alone. He was always there, holding me, talking to me. We spent a lot of time playing Monopoly, and of course he won. I didn't let him win. It was his own victory. My concentration was zero. I could only focus on one thing: the intense craving of my body. Thanks to dear old Ben Forest. Not only did I lose Jeanie, I lost myself. For weeks I didn't dare to look in the mirror, afraid I wouldn't recognize the face that I would see. Everything I felt, everything I did, it was so different from what I used to feel and what I used to do. I remember getting angry at the world but mostly at myself. According to Starsky I'm very good at blaming myself for things. If only I had this. If only I had done that. If only this was a perfect world. If only I could go back to the way it was.    

   "If....if...if....Yes, if you'd told Forest Jeanie's hiding place before he drugged ya, you wouldn't be alive right now. Forest would have let Monk finish you off, even before you had a chance to escape." was what Starsky said.    

   I lost it all: my dignity and my self respect. I didn't know who I was any more. The White Knight had fallen off his horse, and if it wasn't for Starsky and Huggy, I would have never had the strength to climb back on that horse again. The only "horse" I wanted was the one that looked like pure white snow. God, I wanted to ride THAT horse again! I know I've come a long way, but what's a year for someone who once was 'a junkie'? Time has no meaning any more. It's one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one step at a time. Starsky is always there, cheering me on, and catching me when I fall.

   I still have nightmares. That's not surprising, I guess. I don't have them as often as I did, but still so intense that I wake up, scared that one day I will give in to the craving and ruin my life for good. I can't bring myself to look at the junkies on the street. I envy them sometimes. Yes, I'd sell my soul for just one more fix. But, NOT Starsky's soul.

   Starsky knows, I've told him. I had to promise him that when ever I have this nightmare again, I would call him. And that's what I do. Sometimes we just talk and sometimes he comes over to my place.  Things haven't always gone smoothly between Starsky and me this year, mainly caused by my 'identity crisis',  but he stood by me every step of the way and helped me find myself again. Maybe there is no such thing as "happily ever after", but I'm sure glad there is a "Starsky".

********

A Friend in Need    

THE END